Monday, December 29, 2014


I should be on my way to Denver right now but I do not like flying. I would take the bus but it cost twice as much to take the bus then to fly.  Oh well, it gives me more time for me to study which I hate to say I have been lacking it. I am afraid to know what is going to happen if I don't pass.  It would be nice to go to Denver to see the snow and family but it is also nice to have me time. I can focus on studying, getting ready for next semester, and clean my room. 

Ben is also sick. We probably won't get any time for us before we both go back to work. I still have his presents too. If I had money I would ship it and surprise him but I am broke. My store credit card bills came this week also and I am afraid to see how much damaged I did. I need to be saving my money not spending it!!! I did send Ben a Christmas card which he got Christmas eve (perfect timing). He loved it and he even sent me a picture of it. Now I wish I had money to send his package but the electric razor is heavy and would cost a lot to ship it. Maybe I will drive down and surprise him one of these days with his present. And then after I give him his Christmas present I then have to start looking for a birthday and Valentine's Day gifts too. Unfortunately, I don't think I'll have time this year to plan a birthday or Valentine's Day surprise or have the money either. Hopefully, I can scrap some money up together before then and treat him to a birthday or Valentine's Day dinner. I really want to do something special for him since he means so much to me and he does a lot for me.  Maybe if I can't when it is his birthday or Valentine's Day I will in the future, maybe at the end of the school year. Also, I hate to think this but we never had a Valentine's Day together and for his birthday I have to settle for the day before since everyone wants to spend time with Ben. Also, I don't know how he will feel celebrating either once since his parents are getting a divorce. I really need a miracle that I will pass my test, I will have money for school, bills, and Ben, and I will be able to do something special for Ben on his birthday and Valentine's Day. Pray for me. St. Jude of hopeless cases, here my prayer!!!   

Saturday, December 20, 2014

Thursday Night

Thursday night I had date night with Ben.  It wasn't what he planned because he had reservations but I wasn't ready till 8 because I was at the store all day with my mom, which I felt bad. He understood how my mom doesn't like shopping alone and needs me to reach and grab items since she has back issues.  And I had a headache almost the entire day so I wasn't sure if I was going to go out because of it.  Luckily my headache went away by the time we went out. We just grab dinner and ice cream and it was nice to catch up.  He gave me my Christmas and birthday gift too. I felt kind of bad since I didn't have time to give him his.  I didn't have time to wrap it or put a picture in the frame and I didn't want my mom to see me leave with my presents. Then she would ask to many questions I wasn't ready to answer.  Ben got me the Hello Kitty Christmas tote bag and thermal mug that I wanted from Black Friday and the mini Hello Kitty purse too.  I figure he might since he had asked if I had bought them a few days ago. I wonder what he would of done had I told him I bought them or if I had actually bought them.  The purse is also sold out online too.  But what was really cute was how he got me a Hello Kitty charm bracelet. He said it reminded him of me because it was Hello Kitty and he knows I wear bracelets that have charms that dangle. Aw! That was so sweet that just alone made me happy. Aw, he notices things like that! :D I wonder what else he notices about me??? So now I wonder if he will like my presents!? And what am I going to get him for Valentine's Day and his birthday too?!

He also told me about work and how he is waiting to hear if he will be hired full time.  He also said how his last assignment was stressful because the students were bad. He also said how he has been stressed and tired and missing people birthdays, which he apologized for mine.  I then felt like a bitch when he said his parents were getting a divorce. I feel so bad and guilty for being mad at him when his parents are divorcing and he is stressed over work too.  I wish I could make him feel better but I'm glad we had date night and I hope next time I don't ruin it. Also, I need to stop getting mad at him. Poor guy is going through a lot over the past couple of weeks.  I will be here for him just like he is for me. I am lucky to have him. <3 :) 

Saturday, December 13, 2014

Finally Good News

Last night Ben and I texted throughout the night.  It was after 1 in the morning and I had six messages from Ben.  I wasn't sure if I was going to respond to his messages but I did. I asked if the school he was subbing at offered him a full time position yet but he said they were going to call him next week.  He then told me how his last day of his assignment was horrible because his freshman were bad.  I knew how he was feeling and didn't want to start any drama.  He did say how he was going to hang out with more during winter and how he had birthday and Christmas presents for me. I wonder if he only mentioned my birthday because of FB but at least he mentioned and I didn't have to. I do feel guilty complaining about him from time to time but can you blame me? I'm just glad we talked last night and there was finally good news and communication between us. Now I am kind of stressing over Ben's present. What if he doesn't like the electric razor or doesn't want one anymore? What if it sucks or doesn't work?  What if he has one already or someone gave him the same one.  It goes with the same thing with the apple picture frame/ornament I bought him too. What if someone gave it to him already or is going to give it to him? What picture would they use or would they even put a picture in it?  What if it makes him sad when he sees it because he didn't get hired full-time?  I hope he likes my presents!   

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Happy Birthday to Someone Else

Once again Ben forgot my unbirthday.  I give him two chances to celebrate my birthday and he never does.  I understand we were both busy but still he could at least sent me a cute birthday text.  And what really is pissing me off right now is how he was just tagged in a picture celebrating a girl's birthday.  Nor has he asked me out but keeps saying we will over winter break.  Yeah right! We didn't even hang out once in the summer when I retuned. I posted on my wall about how he forgot my birthday so maybe he will see it and figure it is about him.  Then he will ask me out but out of guilt, only this time I am going to call him out. I'm tired of this same old shit of waiting and only being asked out because of guilt. I want to be out asked genuinely.  But waiting to be asked out genuinely from Ben is like waiting for a miracle, it may or may not come. 

For the past two days he has been texting me also and asking if I got everything I wanted from Black Friday. I know he is trying to figure out what to get me for Christmas. Honestly, I really don't want anything. It is better to give then receive.  Besides, what about my birthday?! All I am asking if more time with Ben but he is always "busy."  I doubt he is also going to help me study for the CSET either or remembered that I wanted to see the Pompeii exhibit before it ends in January. If Ben claims to be my bf and a romantic, he wouldn't ask what I want. He would do something out of his heart and besides he should know I like Hello Kitty and heart jewelry or anything that has my university's logo and/or name. I guess the idea of wearing a pretty dress for Ben and going to out on a romantic date will always just be a dream...sigh... :/

Saturday, December 6, 2014

Pretty Dresses

I went to the mall today and I was reminded how my social and romantic life sucks. I saw couples shopping together. People shopping for their significant other. I saw pretty dresses like ones with sequences on displayed at fashion stores. Seeing these things made me sad.  I never spend time with Ben anymore and I wish I could wear pretty dresses for Ben. It would be nice to wear a sequence dress to meet his family on Christmas Day or New Year's Eve or a nice dress on a romantic date night but nope. I always buy nice dresses and tops in hopes to wear on a date that turns out to be the best date ever but they just collect dust in my closet. I remember Valentine's Day this year, I had a nice outfit picked out, a dress too, which is rare for me because usually I wear nice jeans and top but being V-Day I wanted to wear a dress but Ben was sick. The year before I also had an outfit picked out but Ben had class and he pissed me off. I have nice clothes but no one to wear it for...sigh :/  When I do go out, I forget I have these nice outfits because I'm in a rush to get ready since usually I go out the last minute. I need to go out more, even if it is not with Ben, he goes out with other people and to nice places with them! Why can't I do the same thing and also to get my options open in case Ben ends up being a waste of my time. I wish I could DTR publicly with my parents about Ben but it is embarrassing telling them my romantic life and also how we NEVER go out anymore.

 Watching A Cinderella Story right now, this movie never gets old. I wish something like that happened in my life. I wear a nice dress and meet my Prince Charming who sweeps me off my feet. I wish I could wear a pretty dress and make myself look beautiful for someone since I never did for my high school dances. And when Ben does ask me out, it's usually to the movies and who wants to wear a pretty dress to the movies...oh Ben what can't you be the romantic like you said you were...are you my Prince Charming Ben? And if not, where are you my Prince Charming??? 

Black Friday Bill

I'm not looking forward to my Black Friday bills, especially from VS! I spent so much money so I can get the Black Friday tote. It was cute but next year, I'm just going to get one or wait till Black Friday since shipping was free with $25 purchase on Black Friday.  I shopped early for the tote bag since I am an angel rewards holder and you had to spend $100 or more or buy an UGGS product to get free shipping, I did both.  So next week year, I'll just wait till Black Friday to get the tote and not buy more things I don't need to get free shipping and they still have free shipping right now but with a $50 minimum purchase, ugh and you can free blanket too with $75 purchase. So next year just one tote bag and wait till after Black Friday to see what freebies they have. I only spent more then anticipated at VS because some of my cousins from Mexico are coming over winter break and I could give them the VS totes I got, since I have  bout more so I can have 2 extra tote bags for them. VS is really big in Mexico and expensive. It's sad how people from the US buy VS products and resell them in Mexico for more money then what they paid. People actually sell the bags you get for free when you purchase inside the store and they ask for extras too! Also, I've seen stores in Mexico sell the body sprays and perfumes for way more money, like $30 for the body sprays that you can get for 7 for $35. What they paid for the whole thing is what they charge for one, it's sad how the culture in Mexico is all about appearances. People in Mexico spend their paychecks on overprice clothes like Hollister and Aeropostle and perfumes like VS that people buy cheap in the US and then resell to make a profit. It's sad and I could never do anything like that, especially to my family. I would either give it as a gift or sell it for the price I paid. 

I'm glad I am done with my Christmas list because I seriously can't afford to spend anymore money. I should be saving my money for school instead of spending it on crap I don't need. And my family and Ben would understand that I could not afford Christmas gifts this year but nope I spent my money like crazy. I'm seriously done with online shopping or any type of shopping for that matter, unless it's for school, like textbooks, which reminds I need to look into my textbook list for next term. I'm glad I got Ben's Christmas gift early this. It's an electric razor like he always wanted. I also got an apple picture frame/ornament from Kohl's for $4, not to bad. I just need to put a picture of him teaching in it before I wrap it. Sadly, I don't know when I will give it to him since we never have date night anymore. Hopefully, I get more sub jobs before the school district goes on winter break so I can pay off my bills from Black Friday!!!

Friday, December 5, 2014

Still the same...sigh

So during Thanksgiving Ben was been nice, a little to nice.  Maybe since he had the week off, he had more time to text me.  He even offered to help me by checking my final paper since he knew I was burnt out from the week before.  I finished four papers the week before. I declined since he didn't look over my papers the week before and I knew I was going to finish my paper late at night and I just wanted to submit it asap. I didn't want to wait around for Ben to read my paper like I did last time and I ended up submitting my papers without someone checking them. Ben also said how we should celebrate the end of my semester but only because one of my guy friends had posted that on my wall. if it weren't for FB, Ben wouldn't know know what I was up to or feeling or vice versa.  Though I noticed Ben hasn't posted much or been tagged since the Halloween picture incident.  

So I am done with school until January.  I'll be having a Saturday morning class too again.  This time at 7AM, not that it matters since Ben never goes out with me anymore. Hopefully, I'll have more time to go to the gym and channel my sadness over Ben into something positive at least.  Ben has also been texting me just about every night with messages like how he missed me and stuff, the usual.  It still doesn't make up for the lack of date night. I didn't even see him once in November and that was my birthday month too!!! I wonder if he will remember my fake birthday this month too, probably not since he didn't remember last year.  My guess is we'll go out once this month, most likely towards the end of the month and that will be his way of making up for my birthdays and Christmas and then the next date night will be the day before his birthday, in February, if I'm lucky. His birthday is on a Sunday so maybe he have plans already the whole weekend of his birthday.

I also failed my CSET too :( but I have another chance in January.  If I don't pass then, then I'm fcucked. I'll have to take a semester off and retake the test till I'll pass.  Ben offered to help me study over winter break but only because he saw how someone posted on my wall how they were going to help me study.  I'm not holding my breath for Ben's help nor am I going to ask for his help either.  He didn't even help me study for the test the first time around. I don't want to rely on people to check my papers or help me study anymore. It sucks waiting for help only to be forgotten...cough, cough...Ben. I want to be more independent and not rely on people like Ben or that Okcupid guy for help. I'm tired of things still being the same, especially with Ben. I need a better social and academic life come 2015.

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Midnight Text

Lately Ben has been taking me around midnight.  Mostly to send me a heart emoji and/or to say how he missed me.  Last night I was up at midnight and there was no text. I didn't think much until I woke up at 1:50 AM and saw he sent a message.

November 25, 2014 12:48 AM
Ben: Are you awake?

November 25, 2014 1:51 AM
Me: <3

Yesterday 12:06 AM
Ben: <3
Me: <3
Ben: You are my everything and I love you
Me: Emoji of happy face blowing a heart kiss

Looking at my conversations with Ben, it makes me wonder why he is being nice lately and why he messages me around midnight?  It probably has to do with work and how he probably takes a nap when he gets home and then grades afterwards. It's a nice gesture his midnight text because some days I have no idea what we are and how he feels for me.  I also wonder why he wanted to know if I was awake or not.  Maybe he wanted to talk on the phone or Skype or maybe he just wanted to talk more through iMessage.  And if he did want to talk, about what? Did he want to see how I was doing and how my final paper was going? Did he want to make plans to celebrate my birthday or birthdays?  Or maybe, just maybe, he wanted to dtr and make us official and invite me over for Thanksgiving?  I have mixed feelings about that.  I mean, I do want to dtr and make us official where friends and families know we are officially dating but I don't know if I am ready to dtr on Thanksgiving.  My parents would be shocked that's for sure because they think I'm single and Ben and me barely go out for them to think I'm not single.  My parents are very judgmental.  And then I don't know how long to say we have been dating for because even I don't know. Also, my parents would probably expect a proposal within a year of dtr.  I'm not kidding, they think if a guy doesn't propose after a year you are wasting your time. Maybe Ben and I would be expectation since neither one of us is in a position to get married since none of us is financial stable, sigh. Maybe tonight, I'll get another text from Ben wanting to talk. Hopefully I won't  be to tired or busy with my final paper. I still need to start and finish it!!! After I finish it, I can semi-relax and enjoy the break.  I'll just be worried about how I did on my classes and if I passed my CSET and also how I'm going to pay for my classes. 

I've also noticed that Ben has not posted a lot of things on FB or been tagged in pictures or status after the Halloween pictures he was tagged in. Maybe he tells people not to so I don't see and get mad again. Even though I called him out on my status and later denied it was for him, I'm sure he knew it was for him. It makes me wonder if he is hiding anything.  Maybe something did happen since he did delete those pictures from his wall.  Or he felt genuinely guilty after realizing how we hadn't seen each other since May.  Wouldn't you get mad or extremely pissed off if you hadn't seen your significant other in MONTHS when they are close to where you live and work and then they post pictures of them with the opposite sex all over them?! I sure put up a lot with someone who idk is my bf or not.  I know I'm not a great "GF" if that's what I am to Ben. But how can I be a gf when he doesn't let try to be and when we do go out, I'm pissed off at him most of the time.  Maybe tonight I'll find the answer to my questions.      

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Goodbye Omar, My Almost Lover

That little glimmer of hope that lay someone in my heart for Omar is now gone.  As I was thanking people who wished me a happy birthday, I came across Omar's post.  His post was one of the last birthday posts I saw before I went to bed and it made my birthday a little better as I drifted off sleep.  I told myself I would not look at his profile again until I was ready after I saw he was engaged.  I was ready to look at his profile because I wanted to know if just maybe, just maybe there was a chance, but nope.  I saw that he was married.  He was married in MARCH!!! He talked to me in June and I felt guilty wondering what could of been or thinking there was a chance this whole time while he was married! Seriously, he was already married when I talked to him! So now there is def no chance and I when he does cross my mind I think of something else quickly because he is officially gone.  It did make me sad seeing him married but I guess if he really did have for feeling for me, he prob would of said so or at least said so before he transferred jobs.  And no I don't wish that he gets divorce or anything like that, I wish him and his wife nothing but the best.  I'm forever grateful that he helped me get through my depression over my ex and help me move on.  If it weren't for him, I would of never pursued a master's degree either.  He was the one who sparked my interest in getting a master's degree even though my motivates at the time was to go to the same school as him for it but that was a different time.  I guessed he never liked me the way I did for him.  If anything, he probably would of friendzone me.  His wife is a very lucky person to have such a great guy like Omar and again, I wish his wife and him nothing but the best.  And maybe I had these feelings return because I barely get to see or talk to Ben.  I don't know but I do know there is no chance for Omar and me. I wish Ben and I could spend more time together so I can be a better "gf" but he never has time for me it seems like.

Goodbye, Omar.  Thank you being a friend to me when I needed someone.  You were the answer to my prayers and I am forever grateful.  Good luck in life and I hope you have a happy and blessed marriage.  Thank you Omar and goodbye, I wish you could of know what you meant to me and how you changed my life.  Goodbye Omar, my almost lover.  


My birthday went fine.  So basically this is a recap of my birthday: 

Ben texted me the day before my birthday wanting to spend time with me for my birthday.  He said if I was busy or had plans already he would try for another time. I was still mad at Ben for not helping me study for my CSET exam and also doing what I don't like, which is making time out of guilt/obligations, especially for birthdays. 

 I didn't like how I hadn't seen Ben in MONTHS and when we did hang out, I felt it was out of guilt because of what was posted on his wall on FB. He was also making time for me only because it was my birthday, if it wasn't, he prob. wouldn't even have asked me out.  Also, had it not been for those FB pictures, I'm sure I still would not have seen him since May.  Which is kind of a long time for someone who is freaking close to where you live and work! But yet he always has time for others. Anyways back to my birthday recap.  So I told Ben how my birthday wasn't till next month but then he said he now just expects to celebrate my birthday twice.  Which I find kind of comical, since we didn't celebrate my birthday twice last year.  He then added how he wanted to spend my birthday with me but yet I can't really with him because he has so many friends so I had to settle for the day before for his last birthday.  But then I guessed he fell asleep and didn't text me back. 

I woke up around 4 AM and checked my phone and no shock there was no midnight missed call or text for Ben.  I checked my FB and no birthday post from him either.  I wished a friend who had the same birthday as me a happy birthday and went back to sleep.  When I woke up and got ready I went to iHop and received free pancakes because it was my birthday and also a free drink of my size choice too at Starbucks. So I enjoyed the birthday freebies throughout the day.  The weather was nice too and I also didn't have any homework to worry about either.  Throughout the day I received texts and wall posts of happy birthday from various friends but none from Ben.

Later, at a family dinner that I chose at a restaurant that was close to Ben's house incase he wanted to hang and I was in the mood to see him but he never did invite me out.  He did text me after dinner when my family stopped at Costco to get groceries.  Which is close to him too!  He said he wanted to invite me but he wasn't in the mood because he had a really bad day at work, which is understandable.  Somehow the conversation lead to how he celebrates my birthday twice a year and how he wishes me a happy birthday twice a year too.  I called him out on that.  He didn't wish me a happy birthday twice last year nor did we celebrate it twice.  I was just lucky enough that we did once last year.  It seems like every year I see Ben less and less too. :/  After Costco, I went home and watched TV and went to bed, and that was birthday cap.  So it wasn't bad like other birthdays expect for the fact knowing I need to get my own insurance now.

So I will see if Ben celebrates my birthday at all after this week when I am done with school.  He hasn't asked me out yet but he'll prob justify it with how he knew I was busy with school, even though I could of made time for him or the thought of it would of  it would of been nice even if I was busy if he asked.  Only time will tell.  I have a funny feeling he will forget (like he did my other birthday) or it will be the only time we will spend with each other throughout winter break and for months to come...sigh... :/ 

One More

I just have one more paper left to go till this hell term is over with.  I was proud of myself for doing my work early at the start of term but once the issues started with my previous host school all hell broke loose.  Oh well, everything happens for a new reason and I was found a much better school for the remainder of the term.  I'm glad my professors were understanding about my situation so I was able to turn in papers later in the term.  I was worried about my first three papers since my professor never really said when to turn it and I turned it in a week after the third paper was due and a week later then what I wanted but when I think about it, I did three major papers over 12 pages each in about 2 weeks after I did observations.  My prof said I did a good job on the third one and was glad I wrote a good paper for being behind, lol.  I was afraid to submit them because I didn't know if the professor was going to take them or what he was going to say but luckily my prof was understanding.   I was also afraid to submit it because I had no one to look at them.  I asked the OkCupid but he was busy and Ben said he would look at it but he never gave me feedback before I submitted them.  So idk if Ben looked at them or not, I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't.

My professor graded the third one first since it is the same format as the final one.  I wish there was a sample one to look at but he is not allowed to provide one.  That was the same with my other class too.  My other class, the final paper was 10 pages but idk if I did it right, if I answered anything, or if I forgot something.  Hopefully I did a good job.  I just want to pass my two classes because I can't afford to take them again.  I need to get going on my final paper because the sooner I finish, I can have someone hopefully look at it, then submit it, and then enjoy my break until the next term starts in January. 

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Bombed It

I so bombed my test on Saturday...sigh looks like I'll be taking a semester off.  Even if I did study better I honestly don't think I would of passed but now I have an idea of what to prepare for next time I take it.  It also didn't help that other people who were taking it, it was there 2nd or 3rd attempt.  It sucks because I missed Hello Kitty Con and Dia De Los Muertos events too since it fell on the same weekend as then.  Oh well, it's my fault.  I'm a little disappointed that Ben never even offered to help, I'm not blaming him for my failure but it would of been nice if he at least offered.  I'm sure he was busy with more Halloween parties that he never offers to invite me to.  He did message me a heart message close to 10 but I didn't respond since I was studying and I was afraid I might latch out at him since I'm really stressed and emotional with everything that's been happening with school.

After I finished my test on Saturday and turned my phone back on there was a message from Ben:

Ben: Good luck on your test today my love <3 12:48 PM
-Honestly, I thought he forgot that I had my test that Saturday since we never study together nor did he offer to.  If I pass by some miracle then I know I can be independent and not have to rely on people like Ben.  I also didn't respond because I had just finished knowing that I bombed my exam and Ben never offered to help like he said he would and once again he just told me what I wanted to hear on our date night which he probably only did out of guilt from the FB pictures.  He said too on our last date night he was going to have more time for me and was planning to do more with me but nope, nada.  He couldn't even help me study for an exam! I don't even want to look at his FB profile bc seeing his Halloween pictures will make me cra-cra at this point and I don't need that.    

Ben: How did it go today? 10:12PM
-I was asleep but seriously if I was awake I would be in no mood to talk about.

Ben: I miss you 11:56 PM
-Lately I'm starting to find it hard to believe this.  If you really missed me then you wouldn't make me wait MONTHs for a FREAKING DATE NIGHT!!!  I don't even know if I should even consider him a bf at this point?!

Me: I don't want to talk about it 3:40 AM
-So I message Ben so he knows what's up and I haven't heard from him at all.  It is prob a good thing since I'm on the edge of having a nervous breakdown and I'll just snap at him.  He prob thinks I am mad at him since we never study together.  I'm not mad, just disappointed but I shouldn't rely on him or others to help me study nor do I blame him for my exam failure.  Next time, I'm going to study more and not tell Ben about my next exam.  I can do things on my own. 

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Not Ready

I am not ready for my test this Saturday.  I have not study and there is so much to know.  I'm worried what is going to happen if I don't pass.  It is going to effect next term that's for sure.  I'll prob won't be able to take classes bc I need that test for those classes and I'll lose my fin aid for good since I am already on academic probation with them...sigh...October was not a good month for me that's for sure.  It was emotionally draining because I fell behind in school which was out of my control and then I come home dead tired from work and then when I wake up I either need to get ready for work and/or finish homework.  I thought Ben would help me study too but nope.  He just once again just told me what I wanted to hear on date night.  Oh well, I shouldn't rely on him to help me study or help with school, I need to stop relying on people and become independent. 

I'm also really not looking forward to my birthday either.  I'll be wondering how badly did I fail my test and how f***ed I'll be next term.  Then I will also loose all my insurances too and I have no benefits at work and I can' afford insurance on my own.  All the fake niceness and attention will also piss me off and drive me nuts.  A person shouldn't have to wait for their birthday or Valentine's Day for this type of attention.  People should do it out of the kindness of their heart throughout the year and not just holidays and birthdays.  I don't mind people posting me on my wall but don't expect me to take you out and treat you on your birthday.  Ben hasn't mention my birthday either.  Lol, I wonder if he still thinks my birthday is a different month.  Anyways, he'll most likely be working on my birthday since he got another long term assignment job.  Then he will come home and nap till 6 PM.  By the time he wakes up I'll be way over my birthday and in no mood to celebrate my birthday any longer by the time he gets ready which can be anywhere from7:30-8:30. 

I think I am going to keep my birthday to myself this year.  I'll be depressed with everything around school and the attention and niceness will just get me mad I'll latch out at whoever is by me.  I think I'm just going to turn my phone off  for the day&keep it off the whole day.  I don't want to see invites from people that I have not seen or spoken to in a while to hang with them and celebrate my birthday with them.  I think I am going to go to a museum exhibit and spend my birthday their away from everyone.  Ben will prob be working anyways to want to go with me, I wouldn't be surprise if he has seen the exhibit, and if he does want to see with me he'll never follow through and the exhibit will be gone by January 4th.  I pray that a miracle happens and I pass my test and have a decent birthday for once.  If it does, I will promise to pay it forward in the future when I am financially stable and teaching somehow and in someway. 

Monday, October 27, 2014

Let It Go

I texted Ben early Friday morning saying how I needed help studying for my exam.  He responded how he was willing to help and as we ended up having a date night for Friday.  He remembered how I wanted to The Book of Life.  So we saw it.  Mind you the pictures that I saw on his profile were lingering in the back of mind.  He probably knew since he brought it up.  He asked if I was mad at him and I told him I was not.  He then asked if I was mad at him earlier this week and I told him no even though I told a little white lie.  At this point, I just happy to be with him since I had not seen him in months.  It was just nice to be with him and forget about all the problems I have been having.  He told me how he saw my post and thought it was about him since he had been at a party and there was pictures posted.  He did admit going to the party and how he went because they were high school friends and many he hadn't seen in awhile.  He said he thought that was post was about him and did not want to text me because he thought I was mad at him.  Yeah I was mad about the whole picture thing but it turns out the mermaid was one of his friends I had met at the wedding.  I feel a little better but it still suxs that we barely have date night and the only way to get his attention is to rant on fb.  But I'm just going to let things on and focus on things that really matter like school because when I am applying for jobs they are not going to care if I was having romantic issues when looking at my transcripts. 

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Damage Control

Ben texted me last night and only because I was just on FB.  Seriously, I'm tired of this being the only way to get his attention.  He only ask if my new school called me back yet.  I ignored it.  There were a lot of messages I could of sent back, such as "F U," "No," "Why do you care," but it best be that I keep my month shut.  I need time to cool off, even though I don't see that happening anytime soon.  That was the only message he sent me too last night, so maybe it is over between us.  Maybe he no longer has feelings for me, which would explain a lot, such as our lack of going out.  Or maybe something did happen and he is feeling guilty and trying to avoid me.  I did notice that he did try to do some damage control and he did delete the pictures of him and the mermaid really close together.  But I already save the images of them so he can't deny it if I confront him about it.  The pictures are also still on the mermaids profile page and her account wasn't private either so he can't pretend the pictures don't exist.  I don't deserve this.  It's one thing to be busy which I understand but to hang out with other people and post it to FB and never hang out with her supposedly gf since May is another thing.  Our last date night was in MARCH! MARCH!!! I don't deserve this and he never deserved me.  I need to move on and focus on school too. 

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

The Mermaid

So after my last post I decided to see if Ben updated his FB and OMG I did not like what I saw.  Before I start, I haven't heard from him since Saturday and now I know why, he was at a freaking party this weekend!!! A costume party too!!! He was tagged in a couple of pictures of him and some girl in a two piece mermaid costume!!!! He was all over her too!!!! OMG, OMG, OMG, OOOOOMMMMMGGG!!!!! Something must of happened since he has not text me at all since the weekend!!!! I'm so freaking pissed off!!!! He never has time for me but he has time to go to a costume party and hang out with a mermaid!!!! I haven't seen him since May! May!!!! And that was so he can help me with a project!!!!!! OMG!!!! I'm so pissed off, OMG!!!! I don't want to see him or hear from him bc I might say or do something I'll regret later!!! OMG!!!!! WTF BEN?! I tried to hang out with him last week and he was busy and this week he goes to a costume party! Ugh!!!! We never do anything like that together either!!!! We never even spent a holiday together either!!!! Never Halloween together and never Christmas, New Year's or Valentine's Day!!!!! I'm done, done, done, DONE!!!!! My birthday is coming up and if he thinks he can make everything up by spending my birthday with me then he does not know me all!!!! If he does not ask me on a date before my birthday then he can forget about me and hanging out with me on my birthday!!!!! I'm am so done with him right now!!!!!!! He better have a good explanation for the mermaid pictures but I doubt, oh I am so freaking pissed!!!!! Ben as of right now I am done with you!!!! Go fcuk yourself!!!! I even posted that on my fb "You're always too busy for me but never for others...GFY!!!"  Seriously I am so mad and hurt and pissed off, why do I always find out things like ths through fb?! 
well know he can know how I'm feeling through Fb since that is the only way to get his attention these days.  Ugh...I am so pissed off!!!!!!!!!! -_-

Te extraño

I haven't been to a gym class but I am at least going to the gym on the weekends more.  I might have to stop going to the gym that Omar once worked at to save gas and mileage on my car.  A part of me wants to find a new gym where I don't think about Omar or I don't see people I know.  There isn't one close to the new potential school.  There was one close to my former host school but oh well, it wasn't meant to be at the school. 

I feel guilty that I mostly go to Omar's former gym because a part of me misses him and hopes I'll run into him again.  It's like in the movie Tengo Ganas De Ti, where the main character Hache is trying to forget his first love Babi after returning back home.  There is one scene where he is at a club where he has a memory of Babi at the club but it just a memory he realizes.  It is like that for me at this gym, I have memories of Omar and then reality comes back and I realize Omar is not here and will never come back.  I also get excited when I think someone is him or I think it is his car I see.  I don't know why he lingers in the back of my mind.  I think a part of me wonders what would of happened if we actually went out.  Would I hate him like I did with my ex once it ended?  Would we still be together?

I don't think Omar actually ever liked me.  He had many chances to tell me or drop hints if he did.  Maybe he did drop hints but I missed them.  I may never know.  I'm sure he only liked me as a friend because when he left that gym he could of told me.  The last time I saw him in person, which was three years ago, he had a girlfriend.  Then last year, I found out through FB that he had moved to a different state and was engaged.  When he messaged me on FB over the summer I didn't click on his profile page.  I didn't want to know if he was still engaged or if he was married by now.  I need to let him go, like Heche did with Babi after they both realized they were meant to fall in love but stay together.  Heche and Babi both found other loves so I know I will too with Ben.  I need to stop with these fantasies of Omar coming back and we getting together bc it will never happen. 

 I just hope Ben isn't cheating on me since we haven't gone out in a while and he is being real nice.  He even wanted to Skype a couple of times but I was dead asleep and didn't see his messages in time.  He keeps sending me messages of how he loves me lately.  It is nice and what I want but also I wonder if he is doing it out if guilt.  He messaged me thus week of how The Book of Life was coming out and he remember that I wanted to see but he didn't ask me to go see it with him.  He was a his school's homecoming game the day it came out.  I wonder if he went to the homecoming dance to chaperon and if he brought a date?  I need to stop worrying about my love life and focus on school because future jobs are not going to care about my love life when they see my grades and ask about my work experience.  Well time to get back to focusing on school I have a big exam to study for!!!      

Was I Wrong?

The last couple of weeks have been a nightmare for me.  I finally have my classes paid off but I'll be wondering how I am going to pay for them again come next semester, if there is one.

I am falling behind in my classes and it's because I can't start my student observations.  I was dropped by my former host school.  They were upset that I had called the school district's human resource department and left what they thought was a "rude" voicemail.  So this is what happened, I've been trying to start my observations and get cleared since classes began.  I called and e-mail the school but nada.  I even went to the school in person last month and was told I would hear back from them by the end of the week.  Never did.  So I continued to call and e-mail and even reached out to a teacher myself but no contact whatsoever from the assigned host person.  Finally, I hear back from my host person by e-mail and the e-mail was upsetting.  Nowhere in the e-mail are my questions answered and then it said how he can't force teachers to work with grad students if they don't want to.  So basically, it was like telling me I'm f****ed.  So beaning upset, I called the human resource department and left a voice mail since it was after hours on that same Friday as the e-mail.  Sunday, the host person called me and I could barely hear him but he said I was good to go to start my assignments.  This made me question all the other types of clearance I was told I needed before I could start, like a background check, which are rare but school's can request them.  I don't mind doing anything like that and understand but no one at the school would tell me exactly what I needed before I could start and get cleared.  So Tuesday the school district calls me back and tells me how they are trying to figure things out and the next day, Wednesday, I get a call by my site coordinator and told I was dropped my host school.  I was told by my place coordinator that he was willing to work with me up until I called the school district.  He also felt like there was a lack of communication when he called me.  WTF?! I could barely him and he caught me off guard.  Who calls on a Sunday?!  I don't think he ever wanted to work with me from the start and was probably hoping I would either give up or do something like this so he could find a reason to get rid of me for good.  He only contacted me twice and one was that upsetting e-mail.  So then later in the week, I get a call from the head of the department from my school.  OMG, I was so scared because I didn't know what was going to happen.  For all I know I was going to kick get out of the program because of the voicemail I left.  The department head wanted to know my side of the story and I told him and I even told him how I could provide proof like my e-mails history and phone records.  He laugh and said it was not necessary bc I was not on trial but it sure felt like it.  He then told me how he thought I acted normally by calling but schools are political.  He said the school district thought I was rude and demanding by demanding answers, but hello, if you where falling behind in classes and spending thousands of dollars on classes wouldn't you want answers too?!  So yes, the voicemail could of been better I'll admit that but I was upset and also hormonal.  The head of the department said I acted normally but schools are political and to be careful in the future.  If this happens again, just to call him so he can be the middle man.  Either way I look at it, it was a lose-lose situation.  I waited and I fell behind in my classes.  Even if I never called, I know the school would not be so welcoming once I finally got cleared.  They would probably think I am some spoiled brat spending daddy's money since that's how my university is portrayed at times.  Even though I am paying for my education solely.  I wonder if the person from the other university is going through the same or if they had a pleasant experience.  Probably the next person who comes from my university will have a great experience to cover up my experience. 

I now have a potential new site school.  I filled out an observation form and a copy of my classes' syllabus.  I hope the school lets me observe their.  I am praying.  Even though it is not as close as the other school, as long as I am happy, I'll be okay.  I wonder if I would of been happy at the other school?  Was I wrong to call?  Yes and no.  The voicemail could of been a lot better but after a month of getting nowhere, I don't think I was necessarily wrong.  I think the school and the school district are just upset that I called them out and the head of the university department had to get involved.  It's like what the head of the department, schools are political.  I'm glad I stood up for myself and called instead of waiting for nothing to happen but in the future I am going to be careful of what I say and do so it doesn't effect my classes or potential job.       

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Fall Term

Fall term for school is going fine so for.  I'm taking the same class again this term that I dropped last term.  The same assignment I received a "0" on because I did not submit it correctly that caused me to drop, my prof know would give you credit since it is our first assignment and people are still trying to figure out how the system works.  I would of actually passed the class the first time around had I had this professor last term.  Oh well, I like the class atmosphere a lot better too.  People in the other class were kind of rude to me when I was trying to talk. 

I still need to find an ESL student to observe for my other class but my placement school still has not gotten back to me with a student or at least a teacher to get a hold of.  Looks like I'm going to need to reach out to a teacher myself at this rate.  I did last week reactivate my OkCupid account to see if I could find people who can help me with my ESL assignment and that was a bust so I deactivated it again on Monday.  However, I did find a person whose cousin was in the ESL program at the school I was placed at but he was an dick.  First of all he had no picture of himself and then he wanted sex in exchange for his help. WTF?! I blocked him and told him off.  I should of know better that looking for help on a dating site that people will be like that.  While I was searching people who might be able to help, my inbox was getting flooded with messages and half were stupid or gross messages.  No wonder these people are single.

I hear from Ben here and there.  Usually it is a message like how he misses me.  He still hasn't brought up a date night anytime soon and I'm not surprise.  I don't see one anytime soon.  I'll prob be better off ending things and looking for someone else who can least schedule me more then once every month or every other month.  He did try to help with my ESL project but it is better that I do it at the school assigned to me.  I feel like I would be a distraction to Ben if I were to observe a student at his job even though it could bring us together.  I just wished Ben had more time for me. 

I resigned my first job.  I feel kind of bad that it was through e-mail but phones call lately on my cell phone always disconnect.  The hours were less and it was not worth the money.  I would make like $120 a week before taxes.  I make $110 before taxes in one day substituting.  Also, know I have more time to sub,  do my homework, and student observation.  I won't miss the traffic on my way home either.  This job was the reason why I ended up taking night classes and a Saturday morning class, so I could still work at the time work was schedule for but the cutback is not worth.  I need every penny I can get to pay for my school.  If my classes didn't require a lot on site observation hours I probably would of reconsider not resigning till December but now I am less stressed about finishing assignments on time and making class on time, so it worked out for the best.      

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Not Motivated

I am not really motivated to get anything done right now.  I have so much I need to do before my second class starts tomorrow at 6 PM.  My textbook still has not come yet so I can't do the reading that I needed to get done for tomorrow's class.  Not looking forward to the feeling of anxiety because I didn't do my reading and I don't have my textbook yet. 

I did hear back from my school placement advisor and if I wanted they could of asked to see if I could do my ESL observation at Ben's school but they would have to ask the distraction and I really don't have time for that.  Also, if I wanted they could of asked to have my student-teaching done their too.  I thought about it, but decided not to.  It would be nice to be with Ben but Ben is just a long-term sub, so there is a chance they might not hire him full-time and I always do this thing where I fit my schedule to chase guys and then it back fires on me.  Plus, if something happens between Ben and I, it would be awkward.  So now I am going to pray for a miracle that I will have an ESL student by Tuesday or at least more time to find one.  I just need to stop being lazy and make phone calls and send e-mails out.  I was going to do that today but I wasn't feeling it.  My head was pounding, which probably has to do with the heat so I have been drinking water more and staying cool.   

Monday, September 15, 2014

Getting Things Done

So I am trying to get many things done on my list to do.  I e-mailed my professor about an ESL assignment and the site does not matter as long as it is approved by the university.  I hope Ben's school is approved by the university.  I also heard back from my academic advisor and now I am just waiting to hear from financial aid and hopefully they approve my appeal for fin aid or otherwise I wouldn't be able to afford my university.  I will call them tomorrow and see what the status of my appeal is.

I Skyped  with that OkCupid guy and Ben Thursday night.  OkCupid guy wants to hang out in a couple of weeks and I don't know if I should or not.  We are just friends and Ben is always hanging out with the opposite sex.  Another part of me, doesn't want to because it would feel like I am cheating on Ben.  However, Ben never asked me officially asked me to be his girlfriend.  Also, we never really have date night and haven't had one in a couple of months.  In addition, I don't want to miss out on an opportunity because I wasted my time with Ben.  When I talked to Ben, he just said the usually of how he missed and how we will hang out "soon."  I wouldn't be surprised if "soon" is my birthday, which I am not looking forward to.  It won't feel genuine if Ben does invite me out for my birthday and this is the first time I have seen him in  a couple of months because to me, it will feel like he is just making an effort because it is my birthday and feels obligated to.  I can try to trick him again like I did for my last birthday. 

It is so hot right now.  It is 108 degrees.  I am glad the air is on because it would be hard to get things done without feeling hot and sweaty.  I have so much to read and I was hoping one of my textbooks would have came by now so I can start reading but it hasn't!  All my other books have arrived expect for the one I really need!  I need to read 4 chapters by Wednesday night for my class.  My professor did tell us to e-mail her if we wouldn't have the textbooks in time.  If I would have know it was going to take this long, I would have e-mailed the prof and I ordered this book on the 7th!!! Ugh.  Hopefully, it comes tomorrow!!! 

Fall Semester

Fall semester is off to a quick start.  I have assignments due left and right.  I am a little worried about one but hopefully Ben can help me out if my professor lets me choose any school to observe an ESL student. 
I heard back from my first job and it is starting next week.  I thought about if I should go back or not and I don't think I am.  The hours are less and kind of would interfere with student observation.  It would only leave me to observe on Fridays without feeling I need to leave for work to beat traffic.  I would only make $120 a week before taxes and it takes an hour to get home because of traffic.  If I could sub and do my first job, I would but I can't.  Also, now I have a flexible schedule and would have more time to study and do my homework when not subbing.  I am sad I won't see the kids again really from my first job but I need to make actually money and focus on school. 
I went to the gym last night also.  I did a few weight machines because so many people where on the weight machines and on the I wanted to do.  Most were not even do the machines either, they were just sitting their either talking on the phone or texting.  So I just biked for an hour and think about things without being distracted.  For example, the one thing I was looking about my first job was having kind of a set schedule where I could go to work and the gym afterwards since they are on my way home.  I just need to find as gym class that works with my schedule and makes me want to go every week.  I  want to get back into shape and make new friends.  I just want to survive this school year and hopefully the gym can help like it did years before.         

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Worst Week Ever

This week is going horribly wrong and I am trying to stay positive but it is hard and not working.  I lost 2 pets this week to start off with.  I literally just bought them stuff and they unfortunately passed away.  Today, I bought a new tank for my fish, so hopefully he isn't next to pass away.  I feel like a  jinx, I buy a pet something and then they die shortly afterwards.  I know I shouldn't have bought the fish tank but it was HK and I am pretty sure within a week it will be out of stock online and then I will see people selling it on eBay for at least 2 times the orginal price it was at the pet store.

I still need to call financial aid but at least I have some money to cover the remaining cost.  I have also realized that I am going to need another loan because I am lit out of money now.  I even created a sugar baby account, yes that is right.  I am becoming desperate for cash officially.  I saw some profiles that I liked.  Those that I did liked, I am not after their money but they are just looking for someone to hang out with like me, so I actually messaged them. I haven't heard back from any of them so that kind of sucks.  I did exchange numbers with one sugar daddy and I told him I would call him but I can't.  I don't know what to do and say and I have never been good with phone calls in the past in general.  I just want to stick with texting for now with sugar daddies but it looks like I don't have to worry about that because I haven't heard from a lot of them.  I feel bad I haven't called but I guess I am not ready for a sugar daddy or that desperate for cash. 

So as for work, I feel bad that I had 6 chances to sub, so that is $600 I turned down.  I would have taken the sub assignments but they were middle and high school and I am not mentally ready to sub for them.  I usually have terrible experiences with older students.  If it was elementary, I would take it in a heart beat but I haven't seen any this week.  As for my first job, I am starting to wonder if they remember that I wanted to return in the fall.  Probably not and it doesn't help that my boss resigned.  Usually there is training around now or I am at least posted of what is coming up in the next coming weeks but nope, nada, haven't heard anything from them.  If you don't work in the summer, they make you resign and so tec I am resigned so I wonder if they think I fully resigned because I really don't trust the staff in the office to make note to rehire me for the fall.  Oh well, I will then have more chances to make actually money and sub and more time for class and class assignments.  Maybe my position at work has been terminated because that has happened to other positions in the past.  If so, they could at least tell me.  I am also mad that instead of issuing a regular paycheck for my last paycheck, they gave me a credit card and convenience check for you to call and activate.  I tried for an hour today and nowhere and got upsetting news.  They said I had no money even though I should have $35 so I can't activate the check and to call my employer.  So I emailed my employer today even though that was prob a waste of time too.  Even though it is $35, I need that $35.  I lit have only $1 in my wallet. 

The only good thing that has been happening this week is texting Ben.  Ben is texting me more and he is busy with work and always tired but it is nice that he has been taking  the time lately to text me. :)

It is Wednesday, so it is hump day.  I am hoping that the bad is over and goodness will come over the hump.    

Friday, September 5, 2014

Panic Attack

I'm on the verge of having a panic attack for many reasons.  First, I still need to call the sub desk and fin aid.  I still need to pay for my classes and order my textbooks!!! I am super broke.  I still owe $80 on a store credit card bill but I will have to wait till next month to finish it off b/c I have no more money.   I thought I had enough but I was still $80 short.  I know I will have to pay interest again next month but oh well, hopefully I will have money by then.  I do not like being this tight with money.  There was no sub jobs either this week so no money this week.  I still need to read my readings and answer questions before 8AM tomorrow, ugh procrastination!!!

I def won't be doing anymore online shopping unless it is for school.  I already spent a lot on me this month and not to mention I still need to finish paying my bills. 

I'm not looking forward to Halloween this year either.  I have a big test the next and so I can't really be out.  It is not like I go out anyways, especially with Ben.  Waiting 2 years for Ben to do something with me is long enough, so this Halloween I will be studying and trying to have a good time when I am not studying.  Last year, I wore a Batgirl shirt and Ben said he would wear a Batman shirt while he was at school.  found out through FB he didn't wear it.  He went as a nerd and posted a picture of him with a girl dressed as nerds and he made it his profile picture too.  If Ben does invite me out for Halloween, which I doubt, I will decline.  I  need to study and 2 years is long enough for me to wait.  Sadly,  I am getting tired of waiting around for Ben. 

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Gone to Soon

R.I.P. Joan Rivers.  You will be missed, especially by me, another fellow anthropology major like yourself.  You left to soon and my weekends without seeing you on TV will not be the same.  Praying for you and your family.  I hope you are making tons of angels laughing right now in heaven. 

Clock is Ticking

The clock is ticking before class starts on Saturday morning.  My readings that I printed need to be picked tomorrow so I can read all day Friday.  I don't want to procrastinate this term!  I will do my best now not to because the readings are a lot and I need to pass my classes with a B or better.  I just hope I have a good semester, I don't want any bad experience like last term.

I finally got an agenda!  Now I can start writing down my workouts and getting organized.  I have been writing in my agenda events that I will like to go.  I think I will go to them if I can by myself and start being independent.  Sadly, I have given up hope of Ben taking me somewhere that I have been wanting to go to or having a day to ourselves, let alone a romantic evening.

Tuesday night, I texted Ben and that OkCupid guy and asked if they new anything about Wi-Fi extenders.  I'm probably going to need one for school so I thought I would ask because they are both tec savvy but no one responded.  It was also kind of late to when I texted so another reason why for no quick response.  Hours went by and no response from either one so I didn't bother to text them anymore. I figured that I was probably annoying both of them and they are busy so I haven't texted them since.  I even texted Ben that afternoon a message that said I missed him and that didn't even get a response.  I will figure out Wi-Fi extenders myself because I feel kind of bad because I feel like I am annoying them with my text messages. Apparently they noticed because both texted me last night with a response to the Wi-Fi text:

Sep 2, 2014, 9:54 PM (to Ben)
Me: Do you know anything about wifi extenders? 

Sep 4, 2014, 12;15 AM
Ben: I miss you <3
        Oh and yeah I know about wifi extenders

Sep 2, 2014, 10:12 PM (to OkCupid guy)
Me:  Do you know anything about wifi extenders? 

Sep 3, 2014, 10:12 PM
OKCupid Guy: Uhm, kind of, not really. Never have needed it. 

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Lazy Day

I haven't finished anything I said I would.  I still need to call fin aid and the sub resource desk for last Friday.  I still need to read my readings for my Saturday morning class.  Also, getting them printed wouldn't hurt either.   I also need to order my textbooks and study for my test in November.  It is hot right now and I want to enjoy at least one more day of doing nothing before school starts and maybe work. I am lazy right now.  If I had the air condition on, I would get more done but it is expensive and opening a window and fan help a little and save some money.  Also, I still do not know what is going to happen with my first job at this point.

I also have been looking around online for early Christmas and birthday gifts but have not seen anything at a good price.  I guess that is a good thing since I am pretty much broke.  I'm sure I will find stuff during Black Friday week.  I don't know what to get Ben.  I still have that electric razor he wanted.  So in case I can't find anything else or I am extremely broke, I have that at least.  It is a good razor too and wasn't exactly cheap either.  I got it a good price compared to others I have seen.  I have seen some around $200 and up.  For a razor?!  

I still think about getting the iPad mini either for me or for Ben.  However, I am pretty sure a new version is going to come out since the iPhone 6 is coming out pronto.  So maybe the iPad mini will drop even more in price.  I did buy some things yesterday but I got some deals so I don't feel to guilty.  I bought a ring from QVC since it was  on clearance and sterling silver.  As my mom always said, "Always buy in gold or silver because they keep their value."  I wanted this ring for a while and my mom wanted me to buy a jacket for her so since I was using my credit card to buy it, I might as well buy something for myself.  It is an early birthday present for me.  I also bought a tank top of my university since the store I bought it had free shipping no minimum and another 20% off.  I always wanted that tank top too.  I would see it at other stores for $30 or more and never in my size too.  When I buy apparel of my university, a part of me feels like I am going to jinx myself and dropout.  Another part of me however, feels like it is motivation when I wear them to finish so I can tell people I actually went their.  Only a few people know I am even going to that university.  I want to finish so I can wear my appeal proudly and tell people I went their if they ask.  I have bought a lot of apparel I noticed since I started the program.  It is kind of nice that my university is a big NCAA school so being football season, I can find merchandise and apparel just about anywhere.  For now, I just tell people I am a fan of the school and how my dad went their too.  Hopefully this time next year, I can say I went their and buy the alumni apparel.  I just need to be motivated and work hard.   Keep thinking about those Kapala commercials and keep wearing my apparel for inspiration, hope, determination, and motivation.    

Monday, September 1, 2014

Labor Day Weekend

My labor day weekend has been interesting.  Thursday night/early Friday morning, I Skyped with Ben.  We tried to FaceTime but it turns out I can't since I still have not updated my iOs on my phone.  Skype was also better since whenever we FaceTime I usually lose connection because of Wifi at my house and it can take forever to connect again.  He brought up the fair but I acted like I was not interested because we never go together plus there was no more $1 Labor Day admission price so I was not that egger to go to the fair this year.  He also brought up how soon we will go out.  When "soon" is, is probably another month from now.

I subbed on Friday.  I just need to sub 9 more full days to get rehired again for the next school year.  I don't want to feel stress about needing more days to sub like I did last school year but thankfully I was able to get 10 days by the end of the school year.  The school I was at was short on subs so I ended up with more kids.  The other sub who had the other half of the kids I had said to call the school district office and tell them what happened and we would get paid more.   I will def be doing that tomorrow.  More cash the better since I still need to pay for school and some store credit cards.  I thought about quitting my first job so I can sub more but after Friday, I reconsidered.  The night before I sub, I always have a hard time falling asleep and then when I get home, I am tired and crash the rest of the day.  I also don't know what is going to happen with my first job since my boss left to return to teaching.  Maybe I will only have one job soon???

Fin aid also on Friday said they will look at my appeal but I just needed another form to submit.  I will also call them on Tuesday because I am not sure what this form is.  So things are getting a little better with school (hopefully).

My prof for my Saturday class also e-mailed the class.  Class starts next Saturday.  I have a lot of reading to do so I need to print the reading material out and start that for class.  I just want a good semester so hopefully I do, even if it means little sleep.  Just like those Kaplan commercials I see on TV how you sacrifice so much for one moment, I want my moment of graduation and a master's degree!  I am mentally motivated right now, hopefully this motivation lasts the whole semester.    

I went to the gym last night too!  It is a start and hopefully I keep it up.  I want to start taking a gym class again and meet new people.  Last time I had a set gym schedule, it was great.  I had so much self-esteem.  I felt great after taking gym classes and working out and I meet new people.  It helped me get through my last year of community college after my friends left the year before so hopefully the gym can help get through my master's program this year.    

There are a lot of great Labor Day sales going on right now.  I keep telling myself I do not need this or that and I want to buy land.  However, one thing that keeps calling me is the iPad mini  at BestBuy.  It is $200 right now.  It would be nice for school but really I just want it for Ben.  I am really tempted to opening a BestBuy credit card since I would have six months to pay it off without interest.  However, opening to many store credit cards can be bad for your credit score but not having any also effects credit scores.  I already have 3 and my parents might get upset if I open another but I want it get for Ben for Christmas...sigh, what to do?!  Not having money right now stings but I can wait till Black Friday to get Christmas gifts.  Usually by now I have most of my Christmas shopping done by now but times have change.  I can always do what I use to do in the past and do my Christmas shopping at the university bookstore since finals week usually the items are on sale.  It will be like the good old days minus the student loan debt I have now.  I also do not know if Ben wants or needs an iPad mini...this is going to be a tough call.   

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Back to Work

I have picked up an assignment for subbing tomorrow.  I could of easily turned down the job and ignore all the job openings for Friday but I really need cash.  As much as I would like to sleep in and have a four day weekend and enjoy my summer break, I need $$$.  I make about $100 for a full day when everything is taken out for this and that.  That $100 is going to go fast though.  If I subbed for 30 days I would make around $3,000, which I apparently need to pay on my own according to fin aid.  I don't get fin and loans, isn't the point of loans so you back them back with interest later but yet they still want you pay.  I don't have $3,000 right now!!! That's why I'm asking for a loan!!!!!!  

Monday, August 25, 2014

Making an Effort

So Ben is kind of making an effort when it comes to us.  Though a part of me feels like it is only because I have been on FB lately.  He has been messaging me more ever since my friend's post on my wall and when I liked his new profile picture last night.  His effort is at least a start.

Aug. 23, 2014, 9:15 PM
Ben: I miss you

Aug 23, 2014 9:50PM
Me: <3
-I wasn't sure what to say since I was still pissed off about the FB pictures, so I just sent a heart.

Ben: I get paid soon so I'm ready to take you out :) It feels good to actually be making money
-I'm not holding my breath on this.  I have heard this many times how we are going to out soon but we never do.  And it is not like we need to go some where that cost money.  We can go for a hike for example. 

Aug 24, 2014, 7:01 PM
Ben: <3
         I went swimming today! (Also included a picture of him by a pool.)
-I didn't respond to this message because that text told me he was free.  He could of invited me out someone but nope.  After this, I spent some time on FB, liking and commenting on things.  I even liked his new profile picture but it was also to send a message that I do look at your profile. 

Aug. 24, 2014, 9:55 PM
Me: <3

Aug. 24, 2014,  10:38 PM
Ben: <3
        What are you doing? We should FaceTime
-I'm surprised he actually suggested this.  I can't remember the last time we FaceTime and he has work in the morning.  I wished we did but I was dead asleep and saw his messages hours later.  Besides, he has had so many chances to FaceTime me and now he decides to try.  Why not when I first came back from vacation?!

Aug. 24, 2014, 11:17 PM
Ben: I miss you

Aug. 24, 2014, 11:53 PM
Ben: I love you

Ben is showing more of an effort to me.  I also feel a little guilty that he feels he has to save money but then again he does go out with other people! He also told me that his mom broke her leg, so I do feel guilty about that.  He is probably taking care of her since she can't work and doing things for her.  I hope Ben is really being sincere and making an effort because he wants to and not because of what goes on in FB.  

Friday, August 22, 2014

Trip to the Gym

Last night after watching a movie on Netflex, I was wondering if Ben still had his FB account deactivated or not.  I logged on and saw that he had reactivated it, so I looked at his profile to see what he has been up to since he has yet to invite me out.  What I saw pissed me off, I mean really pissed me off!!! He was out last weekend according to the pictures and his friends girls were all over him.  It is like they know that I am going to see his pictures and get pissed off, well it worked! I wouldn't be mad if they were from when I was on vacation or if he at least tried to make an effort with a date night but come on, they were from last week!!! I'm so pissed off, this is pretty much the straw that broke the camels back for me.

While I was on FB one of my friends message me.  I told him how we should catch up so I can tell him about my vacation and how he should help me study for an exam I need for work and school.  It was after 10:30 when we were messaging each other so there was a good chance that Ben would see our conversation and I'm pretty sure he did since he actually texted me.  I didn't respond since I was pissed off at him and the only reason why he texted me was because I was on FB so it just felt like he was texting me out of guilt and obligation.  The text was also an answer to a text that I had sent him 26 hours earlier too!!! I wanted him to feel what I feel every time he ignores my text.  He even texted me later that night which I just responded with a heart message hours later.  He didn't even try to schedule in a date night for this weekend either which tells me he has plans already.  I'm sure I'll get to see what he does this weekend on FB too!

Aug. 20, 2014, 8:49 PM
Me: How long are you subbing for?

Aug 21, 2014, 10:47
Ben: <3
        I'm subbing for about 3 months

Aug 21, 2014, 11:17 PM
Ben: But the school is noticing me and are considering taking me on full time

Ben: If that happens I'm moving out

Aug 22, 2014, 2:54 PM
Me: <3

I'm really ticked off at Ben.  He calls me his "girlfriend" but yet he doesn't even treat me like a girlfriend.  I feel more like one of his friend girls but then again maybe not since they get to spend more time with him.  I plan on going to the gym every week to get back in shape, feel good about myself and get a nicer body.  Hopefully I can meet new friends so I have more people to talk to and hang out with.  I'm not really looking for love, just people to interact with but whatever happens, happens.  If I do end things with Ben for good, which at this point I am getting close to, I want to look damn good so he can see what he was missing whenever he blew me off. 

 I'm also trying to text that OkCupid guy less.  I'm sure he is tired of me texting him with just my problems.  I did invite him out once, but he was busy.  The other day he did ask me how many other people I text in a day which I told him I didn't know because I don't really know.  It just depends on what kind of day I am having.  Some days I will get a lot of people that will text me because they want to hang out but I feel just like a last resort when they do that though.  I asked him why and he said he was just wondering.  Kind of weird, random, and suspicious.  I haven't texted him since Wednesday after that text.  I think maybe he is tired of me texting him and never bringing up how we should hang.  I'll just wait till he texts me. 

So in a few hours, I plan on going to the gym and not bring my phone.  I won't be tempted to text the OkCupid guy and I won't be as mad when I see that Ben has never texted me with anything.  If I'm lucky, I'll meet someone new to talk to and hang out with.  Nothing romantically, or at least not yet.  I want this school year to be memorable, like my last year in community college.  And that all started with a trip to the gym, so a trip to the gym will be good for me.