Change

Going through so many changes and some I am not ready for. So  during Thanksgiving break, I watched 3MSC and Tengo Ganas De Ti. After watching TGDT, I thought maybe their was still chance Babi and Hache would get together down the road but now I think maybe they shouldn't get back together and change is good. So what happened was I finished the fall term the week before Thanksgiving break and found out also I would be getting a new host school and teacher for guided practice. I was sad at first because I was just getting used to my former host school and getting to know some of the staff. I knew I was going to get a new host teacher since my current teacher only had two classes for my subject area and I need at least four hours of teaching for guided practice. I told my school placement advisor if he couldn't find something at my former host school if he could find something at a school distract I suggested and he did. I thought he wouldn't since I had the school district before and no luck. I was sad when I read the email informing of my new host school but as the weeks went on I reflected on it. Maybe change is good. Like when Hache returned to Spain from London and excepted things to be the way they were two years later. At first he couldn't accept change but then finally he let go of Babi and found new love with Gin. So I need to let go. Sometimes I feel like Hache when I go to the gym still, I think Omar will be there and life is still the way it was years ago when Omar was there. But I know it won't be ever like that. The last time I went to the gym Omar didn't cross my mind so I know I am ready for change. I also got my CSET results last Friday, I passed one exam and still need to pass one more before I can start guided practice. I knew I wasn't going to pass it after the exam. Hopefully I pass this time. Sine I didn't pass that one exam, I don't know what I am going to do next term. A part of me is happy I didn't pass because I really want to take a term off. I just want to work as many days as possible so I afford the classes I have left and not stress as much. Last term burnt me out trying to balance school and work and I was stressed about paying for the term since I did the five payment plan. So if I took a term off, I could hopefully make as much money as possible and not worry about finishing assignments or making it to class on time. As much as I'll miss my former host school, I think I am ready for a change...and I'll be studying for my last CSET, I hope I pass!!!!

Pumpkin Spice Time

It's fall and pumpkin spice time.  School has just begun and already I feel overwhelmed. I literally have something due every week but at least I have till Friday to get it done.  Anyways, I was not expecting to have observations this term and I do. I was hoping to substitute as many days as possible to afford my terms. I have 3 terms left after this term. Which is 6 classes left (2 per term) and each class is 3 units so I have 18 units left. 

I am literally broke and actually afraid to use my debit card because that's how broke I am.  I need to work at least 132 days to afford the rest of my terms.  Its going to be hard after the fall term because I'll only be able to work on Fridays so hopefully I get a job every Friday till the summer term ends and then I can work M-F till the school year ends.  Then when school picks up again in August I can hopefully work m-f till my classes start in September. I need around $14000 and hopefully tuition doesn't go up either then I'll really be screwed. I also don't want to take out another loan either. :(

So last Monday Ben wanted to FaceTime me at 10 PM and I fell asleep and slept through his calls. He wanted to invite me to Knott's Scary Farm for Friday night. He was volunteering to help chaperon and invited me because they were short on chaperons. He also wanted me to meet his coworkers, his former students, and hopefully his boss. He was hoping his boss would come so we could meet and that it might persuade him to hire him full time but he didn't come. I had fun with him and we even got some good selfies of us. I even edited one with a zombie app and made it my profile picture since its Halloween season. He was glad I came to and that I was able to meet his coworkers and some of his former students. I think in February he will be starting a long term subbing position but I am not sure for how long. I hope he gets hired full-time because he really deserves it and hopefully I am done with school by next November.

Tomorrow

I'm not looking forward to tomorrow. I am not sure what is going to happen but I am hoping for the best. For now, I'm not going to think about it and enjoy the rest of the day and what is left of it.

Anyways, Ben is trying with us and I couldn't be happier. He tried in the summer to take me to the fair but I had family over and couldn't go sadly. He also tried to take me to the aquarium two weeks ago but I had tonsillitis.  This time last year, he would make plans but then we never went out and months would go by.  He went to the fair yesterday with his family and he wanted to secretly win me a prize but was kind of embarrassed of what his dad would say, aw. Hopefully things get better for the both of us. I hope and pray he finds a full time job and my school thing gets figured out.  

Hopeful

I'm trying to remain hopeful because I am in deep sh*t right now it feels like.  Classes start next week and I'm not enrolled. I didn't pass all the test I needed for the fall term so I decided to add a program. I finally passed one of the three test I need and I passed the one I thought I would never pass so now I am hopefully I will pass the other two by the end of the year.  Anyways, I thought you just needed to sign the application to add the program and that was it. Nope, I was WAY WRONG. That is just part of it. While trying to register for classes last week I found out that you have to submit a written essay as well. I just submitted it today, which was two days later then what I was aiming for. I finished it yesterday but when I was trying to submit it, I saw that it could only be up to 250 words and my essay was over 600 words. so this morning I spent 40 minutes editing it to exactly 250 words.  After I submitted my essay, I  was checking the essay prompt to make sure I answered it all and I think I responded to the wrong one.  Hopefully I didn't or they don't notice or let it slide.  The only thing that was different from the other prompt was the second question but I feel like I kind of answered it in my essay but with my luck, they won't see it that way. 

 I saw once class was closed already so I am nervous about next week because I really don't know what is going to happen or if I am even going to be enrolled this fall in school.  I keep praying to St. Jude that all will be well for me in the end and I get a miracle where I am cleared to register for classes, I get the classes I need, and I don't have any issues with financial aid. Please St. Jude pray for a miracle for me. Give me something to believe in.  This is my fault though. I should of taken care of this last month instead of waiting till the last minute. Had I made sure I was cleared earlier, I would of known I needed to write an essay and maybe by now I would of been register for classes.  I am dreading next week...sigh... :(

Forever Young

I went to the mall today and when I entered the mall I heard Forever Young playing. It was a sign since lately I keep playing music scenes from Tres Metros Sobre El Cielo (3MSC), such as the intro, the club scene, and of course the dance scene where Forever Young was playing. As I was getting for the mall, I sprayed my version of Don Algodon's Sweet and Sexy (I sprayed a Philosophy perfume) since on eBay its around $40 for a small bottle from Spain and maybe for my birthday I will treat myself and buy one. Hopefully it smells nice. Anyways, I thought it was sign. Maybe it was going to be one of those days when you know something good is going to happen but nope it was an ordinary day but I'm not complaining because there's always tomorrow. I also plan on buying the DVD for my birthday too lol and the sequal!

So hopefully I see Ben tomorrow. He is definitely making more of an effort to see me. He helped me study for my test and he wanted to go to the fair last week but I had some homework to work on so we are going to try and go to the fair tomorrow and hopefully I feel 3MSC.

The Mind

Yesterday I went to wish someone a happy birthday on FB and then saw how Ben had been out at venue. I was a little mad because a part of me felt mad because I saw this summer being a repeat of last history. I know he is going through a tough time and I am giving him time to find himself, it still hurt me so when he texted me a heart I was little mad but I let it go and sent him one back and didn't think much of it because I thought that would be the end of that conversation and was surprised that he wanted to see me since it was kind of late for me and I had just gotten home and was trying to sort the items I sold on eBay. Then he asked if I wanted to take a break and do something. I asked him what he had in mind and he said suggested Starbucks, I honestly did not see him inviting me out and wished he had something earlier other wise I would of said yes and I had just finished an ice coffee. I also didn't have a car to meet him and he even offered to bring me Starbucks to my house. I told him how it was late but asked him what he was doing next week and he said how we could hang out on Sunday or Monday or Tuesday. He then told me how he talked to someone about how he is feeling and what he is going through, and it broke my heart with what he told me. He first told me why he offered me Starbucks and if it sounded weird (which it didn't, if anything, it just caught me off guard) because the person he talked to told him how if he wants to get over being depressed, he needs to start being active again even if it is spontaneous like bringing Starbucks. He then told me how he loves me a lot and how he knows little things get in the way but how he will never stopped loving me. <3 He said issues like his shyness, depression, body issues, and money problems make him scare to go out because he is afraid of being judged by people he should be close with, like me. This broke my heart, because I didn't know he felt this way and I felt guilty always being mad at him for not inviting me out. The next thing he told me really broke my heart. He told me how his mind tells him that he is not good enough for me and that he is scared that when we see each other I'll realize that and leave because he always pictured me out of his league. So now I understand why he doesn't invite me out as much because he is afraid I'll leave him when I see him. I feel bad because I had no clue he felt like that and if anything, I thought he would leave me for someone prettier or more interesting or smarter. He also added how he has self esteem issues and still thinks I am out of his league because he always pictured me out of his league. I never imaged I would be out of someone's league and like him, always picture every guy out of my league. He said how the person he talked to told him how he needs to get over this thinking because it can be detrimental to our relationship. He went on to say how he still thinks that and that I'd probably want a famous soccer player or something before me. This mad me feel bad also because as much as I would like to marry my one of my celebrity crushes, I would always wonder if they were faithful or not and I don't think I would be pretty enough for one of them. And I want to be my own person and not be known as so and so's wife. I told him I'm happy to have hi  and why we are a perfect match. He then said he felt bad for being a bad boyfriend because of his self esteem and self doubt issues but he wants to change it. He said also how we might have met at the wrong time in our lives but we are working through it and how if he had a job he knows we'd see each other more. I'm glad we had this talk and I learned I shouldn't be show judgmental and how we all have our issues that we are trying to get through. I have my issues like Ben has his. Now I won't be mad if we don't see each other all the time because I know why. If anything, I thought he would leave me and while I was thinking that he was thinking the same thing. I hope things get better for the both of us. <3

Weird Funk

Tuesday, June 16th, I Face Time with Ben. It was night and it helped me understand Ben better. Monday night, he sent me a link of a personality test and I took it and he said we were a perfect match. I looked at the characteristic traits of his results and I teased him how he doesn't like commitment and how he is probably cheating on me and how this would explain why we don't go out as much. I guess this hurt his feelings because he told me how he would never cheat on me. He even wanted to Face Time to clear things up but I had fallen asleep by then. So Tuesday night, we Face Time. I felt bad how I had hurt his feeling and he told me how he is going through a weird funk right now because he is sad about how he is having a hard time finding a job. I understand what he is going through and will give him time and space. I wont give him a timeline to change and I'm glad we talk because now I understand him better. He said he is sad and has no energy and wants to stay in bed all the time. He hasn't even really hung out with his friends either. I told him how I am going through something too. I told him how I am stressed about bills and my next test and school. I even got him to join Pinterest and I think he got scared when he saw my board about how guys suck and told me how he doesn't want me to think that he takes me for granted and how he was hoping for a job by now so we could move forward in our relationship. So now I feel better about Ben and I. Then on Monday, he sent me a text and told me how he didn't get his dream job. This made me sad because I thought he would be offer a position for sure since and even he doesn't know why he didn't get a job offer. I felt bad when I saw the message and wanted to give him a hug right then and there. It makes me worried that if he is struggling to get a job then I definitely will have struggle, especially with interviews. Hopefully he gets something by the time school starts up again. On Tuesday that OkCupid guy text me out of nowhere. I talked to him briefly. We basically just talked about school and he told me how he is almost done and asked about my tests. I told him I still need to pass them and how I can't take classes in the fall if I don't pass my exam next month. After that I didn't keep the conversation going. I didn't like how the last time we talked and I told him my goals for the future and he criticized them. Even though he was trying to be honest with me, I didn't like. I believe I can do it. Even now he will criticize the school I go and what I am pursuing right now. I am glad I have Ben because he supports my dreams and goals in life. I also feel things are great between Ben and I and I don't need ever need to meet this OkCupid guy in the future. Also, on Tuesday, I bought the charm bracelet that Ben had given me for my birthday/Christmas. I lost it a couple of months ago at work and it made me sad when I lost it. I finally found it on eBay on Tuesday and made an offer for $15 and it was accepted. The seller wanted $18.88 but had or best offer so I made a reasonable offer and I was happy when it was accepted within seconds after I submitted. I didn't think the seller would respond so soon. So now I am happy and can't wait for it to come. I missed wearing it because it reminded me of Ben. This time I am going to be extra careful because I doubt I will find that bracelet again for that price. I am also being more careful with my money because I am not working but I don't regret that bracelet because I bought it out of love. I am also trying to study for my exam, but like Ben, I am in a weird funk too. The second time I took, I almost passed an exam but missed it by 3 points. The third time I took, I wasn't close and it is discouraging. I try to study and I have no motivation or energy. I study for a little bit and then I either fall asleep or go on Pinterest. I also don't know how and what to study for. I study this and then I am ask something else and completely random. Hopefully I pass because I don't know what I am going to do in the fall and I want to be done with school by March but at this point I feel like I will never pass my exam. :/ Last night I went to the gym and took a yoga class. It was nice and it helped me forget about my problems. However in the parking lot I was reminded of Omar because I saw a car that had an alumni license plate frame of where Omar went and it reminded me of how Omar's car had the sticker of the college he went to and for a brief moment I thought it could be him but then I am reminded of reality and how he is another state happily married. A trainer from a distant also looked like him from a distant and then I had flashback of us in the gym. I totally felt like Heche from 3MSc and TGDT. I can also relate to how Bambi said something how people were meant to fall in love with each other but not stay or be together. Maybe I was meant to like Omar to help me realize I am somebody worth loving and there are people out their way WAY better then my infamous ex. If it wasn't for Omar, I would have never thought about pursuing my masters or move on from my ex and take chances. It is probably a good thing we never dated because if we broke up, I'd probably be really devastated for a long long time. Maybe, idk. I doubt he ever like me that, I think if he did, he would of asked me out and maybe he had a girlfriend that whole time. The last time I saw him, he did and I felt my heart sink to my stomach. I think if he ever did like me, it was probably like in a little sister type of way. I wish him and his wife the best. And I think Ben and I are meant to be and meant to find each other. He brings out the best in me and we are each other's perfect match.

July

Last Friday, I finished school and also last Monday my CSET scores came in but I haven't looked. I told myself I would on Monday night, after I watched Tengo Ganas De Ti but I was tired and didn't watch. I told myself Tuesday then, but I couldn't find the movie so now I am going to try and check tonight, I need to check since I need to sign up and see which tests I need to sign up for. Id be happy if I passed one but I didn't feel confident on any of my essay responses so looks like Ill be taking all 3 again. Monday night, I also had an interesting conversation with a classmate of mine, Javier. Javier kind of knows a little bit of what's up between Ben and I and asked how things are. I told him how I told Ben how I felt and how I am tired of going out with like every 3 months. He asked if Ben was shy or intimidated by me and I told him how I know Ben isn't shy and IDK if he is intimidated by me or not and how I don't see things changing between us. He said to give it time and how he would pray for me. It was nice and he even offered to help me study for my CSET which I might take him up on his offer and I can help him with the CBEST. I pray things work out with his girlfriend too since they were once engaged and now are on and off again. I also hope things between Ben and I change for the better. I also hope he gets the job he wants since he had an interview yesterday. I don't want to say anything to Ben and see if things change and that he really wants to got out with me but I also need to learn to speak my mind and tell people what I want because Ben isn't a mind reader and probably doesn't know what I want and how I feel unless I speak up. I'm giving him to July for him to ask me out before I say anything since he probably will have more job interviews this month and I have summer school also. Hopefully he at least tries.

Like

Last Wednesday, I changed my profile picture on FB. I finally had a picture that I liked and decided to change it while watching TV after work. It was before noon so I didn't expect many likes on my picture. I expected 15 at the most. Throughout the day I kept getting notifications of people liking my picture which was pleasing. It was nice to see friends who I haven't seen or heard from a while like my picture. While checking my notifications on the recent people who liked my picture, I saw that Omar was one. It totally caught me off guard since he would be one of the last people I would think of to like my picture. I don't think he has ever like my status or any of my pictures for that matter, so when I saw his name and picture it was a little bit of a shock. Especially since I am trying to get over him and move on. I went on his profile page to see if there was anything recent I could like on his profile but I didn't see anything. I also felt a little weird being on his profile page and quickly went back onto mine. I saw that he now does half marathons with his wife and I wonder who and what made him start doing those. I know he is happily married, but a part of me whish he lived near me so I could have someone to help motivate me again, even if it was working out with his wife, at least I would have a new friend possibly but I would never tell her how I felt about her husband, that would be awkward and unnecessary. Maybe Omar has a cousin or something but I wonder if family events would be weird for me. Oh well, there is nothing I could do now expect let him go and move on.

Trying

So ever since I kind of went off on Ben and told him I felt about, he has been trying to ask me out more. Last week he kept trying, but the days he asked me I had worked and he also asked me last Friday, but I had work and then he asked what time I was off but I told him I had school also. He asked me out on Sunday, but I had family over. He hasn't asked me out since Sunday but he probably knows that I am pretty much working all this week and how Friday is my last day of class for this term. I feel bad because I just told him how I feel and now that he's trying, I am busy. Right now, a part of me is also wondering if he is asking me out because he wants to or because I said something? Is Ben trying going to continue and grow into more dates or will it fade until I say something again? My CSET results came last night, but I haven't checked yet, I know in my heart I probably didn't pass once again. I didn't feel confident with any of my responses to the essay portions. :/ Hopefully I pass in July so I don't have any more delays with finishing. I also won't relay on anyone, especially Ben for help to study. I wonder what this summer will be like, especially between Ben and I? We will even go out this summer?

Off My Chest

So last Thursday night I got some things off of my chest to Ben. I felt kind of bad since he is sick in bed right now but on the other hand it felt kind of freeing to get it off of my chest. I think what triggered it was earlier in the week I was at a furniture store and the TVs were playing music videos and one of the videos playing was Youngblood Hawke's We Come Running songs and it reminded me how I wanted to see them perform and Ben asked me out the following week. So that triggered some emotions and then it began to build more when watching Arranged and Married At First Sight because like some of the individuals on the show, I too question Ben's feeling and more then anything I want to be swept off my feet and have someone romanticized me. If it weren't for school, I would probably see Ben less then I do now. So I had asked to meet Ben Friday morning before I had work and he was sick so I wasn't mad and then as we started messaging back and forth I kind of snapped and got some things off my chest. Ben had said how he missed me and wanted to see me soon and then I said how we only have date night like every three months to which he replied how he knows. This definitely triggered something because um hello?! if you know, then why don't you do something about it?! He then asked what days I was free for the following week and I told him I was either free Tuesday or Thursday but I wasn't sure and also I still have school and have another big project I need to do. He then asked about Friday and then I told him how I have work and school. He once again forgot I school on Friday and not that it matters because we don't go out really anymore. He then asked when I would what day I was free next week because he really wants to see me next me. Then I replied how I wasn't sure what day yet and how with him how he always says next week and then it turns into months. Then Ben said how he could see I was upsetting me and how we could talk about this another time. I told him I didn't mean to be a bitch but how I just want to spend more time with him because eventually I want him to meet my parents but they are very judgmental and would think its weird how we only got out once every couple of months. He agreed and then added how he thinks its weird meeting me at places like Costco or the movie theaters and then this pissed me off. I only meet him here because sometimes I come straight there from work or I miss him so badly that I try to see him whenever I can even if it means meeting somewhere "weird" to Ben and even if its just for a moment. That kind of hurt and pissed me off and then I brought up the summer and how I don't want to not see him for an entire summer like last summer and I mentioned how I didn't seem him until October. He said he was sorry about that and how he is trying to save money and get his life straightened out. Okay...but um it sure doesn't seem like that on FB. That is another thing I need to get off my chest one of these days. So before last summer, the last time I saw was in May and that was for a school project and then summer went by and I didn't see him and then September and then almost October. And the only reason why he even asked me out in October because of what I posted on FB, which said something like this, "You are always too busy for me but never for others, go fcuk yourself!!!" And this was in to response to the picture I had seen on his FB profile so basically he just asked me out that time out of guilt. Then he only asked me in December because once again I posted something on FB in response to what I saw on his FB profile. He was celebrating someone's birthday but yet he didn't even wished me a happy birthday on my actual or unhappy birthday. He allegedly wanted to do something on my birthday but he said he had a bad at work, IDK if it's true or not. And he never brought up my birthday again until I posted on FB how birthdays are not meant to be forgotten and so that's pretty much why he asked me in December. Then January passed and then February came. I didn't offer to do anything for Ben's birthday, not that it matter because he already had plans and then he asked me for Valentine's Day but I was sick but if Valentine's Day wasn't in February he probably wouldn't have asked. Then I saw him either towards the end of February or beginning of March but that was to run a presentation for me and like I said, if it weren't for school, I wouldn't see that munch. Then I saw him sometime in April to look at results and then I was emotional wreck so I ruined that date and that was the last time I saw him. So this school year, I've only seen Ben four times, wow. Anyways back to the story, so Ben then asked again about seeing me next week then I said how we could have our next date in August but if that was to soon, then December. He picked up on my sarcasm and told me how he will try to see more of me and how he tries to text me everyday so I know that he is thinking of me and how great and amazing I was. But for all I know, he could be saying this to three other girls right now. So now a part of me feels good that I got this off of my chest and then a part of me now thinks if he does ask me out, he is doing it out of guilt and not asking me out genuinely. I want to feel like his girlfriend but right now I feel like how I always do with guys, just some girl they ask when no one else is available or have finally reached the end of their contacts or remember I exist. Next school year I am not putting up with this bs. If he doesn't even try to see me in the summer I am going to be pissed and then when schools starts again and if doesn't even try I am done. I wouldn't be mad if we didn't see each other because we are busy with school and work but only if Ben at least tried to see me at least one a month but if he keeps saying he is busy and then posting pictures of him having a great time then in December I am done. I am not going to put up with this in 2016. I am getting old and I don't want to be wasting my time with someone who doesn't care. I'm tired of not feeling like his girlfriend and then seeing him always out on FB while I have to see it and be reminded of how we have only seen each 4 times, 4 times!!!! I bet if I asked to name our last three dates, he couldn't. I guess for now, only time will tell.

Meeting Mom

Last Thursday night Ben wanted to FaceTime but my phone was low on batteries and I was letting someone use my charger and my tablet had no batteries too. Usually I charge my phone at night and the one time I am low on batteries, Ben wants to Facetime me. He brought up the museum and how he will make sure we will go before the Hello Kitty exhibit before it ends but I doubt it. I hinted how I wanted to go to the exhibit this Saturday because for $25 you can decorate your own Hello Kitty and it includes an admission ticket but he hasn't mention anything yet. :/ He did invite me to Disneyland for yesterday but I had to do something for school. He was taking his mom to Disneyland for her birthday and for Mother's Day so I would feel like a third wheel and I would feel awkward when it comes to rides that are for two people. But at least he got to spend time with his mom which he mentioned he wants me to met eventually. I hope he didn't think I didn't want to got to Disneyland because he was taking his mom but I would rather have been there then working on a big school project due this Friday. It was sweet that he said he wanted me to go since his mom said he could bring whoever he wanted. Now I wonder if he brought someone since I couldn't go, ugh I don't want to check his FB because every time I look I get pissed off looking at his pictures because they just remind of how little time we spend together. I think I would be hurt if he brought a female companion and didn't tell me.

Opened All Day & Night

So I texted Ben Thursday night because I was having a bad day. He asked if I was mad at him and I told him how I was really stressed and avoiding people because I didn't want to snap and take my anger out on the wrong person. That was semi true even though I was mad at him. I did tell him how if he was busy those days he could of just said so. He said he remember but was waiting for me to say something about it. I don't know, I personally think he forgot as usual and only remember when I started to ignore him. I did ask him for help on a lesson plan. I just wanted him to look at it and point me in the right direction in which I was doing wrong. I just sent it to him via email and didn't text him since I figured he would be busy. He texted me at 9:46 PM Friday night how he just saw my email. It read, "Sweetheart! I just saw your email right now! You should've texted me to let me know that you sent me an email. I can look over it. When do you need it done?" I told him how it was okay and that I had already submitted it. I did think about texting him but when I have asked him for helped in the past, he is usually late to respond and I end up submitting it without his feedback. I've come to the conclusion not to ask for his help anymore. I need to start relying on myself and less on Ben. I think he did feel bad since he asked on Saturday if I needed help with anything and I told him how Saturday was my day off from thinking about school. I told him how I was teaching two lessons next week on WWII and he tried to offer me some ideas. I told him thanks and would worry about that later. I also haven't been texting him that much either. I'm still a little mad about not seeing him last week and now I am going to be busy the next upcoming weeks until school is out and then I might take a summer course so who knows what my summer will be like. Ben also texted me earlier today to tell me how today was his mom's birthday and how she doesn't like birthdays either. He sent me a picture of the Lego cake I gave him and he told me how he put it together for his mom. He also said he wanted to take his mom to Disneyland before she got older. He kind of hint at taking me but not really, he just asked how I don't like crowds, which is true but it depends. I wouldn't be oppose to Ben taking me but I doubt it he ever will. He cant even meet me for lunch so I don't see Disneyland in the near future. Also, if he took his mom, I would feel bad and like a third wheel. I feel bad because I would feel like I was imposing on their mother son outing and then a third wheel and going on rides where there is seats for two people would be awkward figuring out who gets to sit next to Ben. I'm going to be optimistic and hope that Ben and I will finally have a summer for us. I went to the gym tonight also. I almost went to the one Omar went to but I didn't. I didn't want flashbacks and get sad over Omar. Which reminds me, I still need to watch Tengo Ganas a Ti . I was going to watch it last night but I was tired and would probably fall asleep watching it. I always feel like Heche when I go the gym where Omar use to work at. I think I see him but it isn't him. I want to start going to the gym more, even before work or student teaching or after class on Friday. I just need that spark of motivation. Omar was my spark years ago. I would get up early and stay late up late working out. I even did my homework early so I could go to the gym and not worry about it. I think it also made my last year at community college more enjoyable and go by faster. He also helped me find me but he will never know what a difference he made in my life. I wished I had another motivation like Omar in my life. I'm not looking for something romantic like Ben but someone who can get me motivated in life again and help me find myself again.

Six Months From Now

So once again I am mad at Ben, shocker right?! I wish I was typing something happy but not this time. So Monday, I texted Ben asking what he was doing Tuesday or Wednesday since Monday and Tuesday I was subbing near him. I asked if he was free and wanted to do something after I finished work or "do lunch" as Ben would say. He said he was free and missed me and wanted to see me. He asked if I had the whole day off Wednesday but I told him I working. Monday night I went to bed excited. I even dreamt of Ben and me getting married and when I woke up I was in a good mood. I wore something cute and waited to hear from Ben. I texted him before worked started how I thought it was going to rain and he texted me back at 1:34 how he had just woke up and how he didn't realize how cold it was and how he put the heater on. I texted him how it was cold and I waited to see if would remember about doing something after school but he didn't. A part of me was hoping he would surprise me and be waiting outside my work but sadly no. I drove home pissed off and he texted me at 4:32 about how one day he had the AC and the next day he had the heater on. I ignored it since I was pissed off about forgetting about our date. I didn't want to remind him either because now I want a guy to truly want to spend time with me and make the effort. I don't want to make an effort if it isn't worth it and I cant tell with Ben sometimes. With Ben, he only makes time when he knows I am pissed off because of FB. And right now I am staying off of FB for the month of April to focus on school. So maybe Ben doesn't know I am mad at him because I haven't updated my status like I usually do when I am mad at him. Anyways, I went to bed pissed off and prayed that Ben would remember for Wednesday. He texted me a heart 11:32 PM but I was asleep and how my phone on silent because I didn't want to hear from him. So today I dressed cute hoping Ben would remember and text me but as the hours passed at work that glimmer of hope faded and once again I drove him pissed off. So the rest of today I thought about Ben. I wondered if he knows I am pissed off and not texting me because he is waiting to cool off. I also wondered why he always does this. I thought about how munch longer I could take of this because last night I dreamt about my next birthday. I dreamt that it was coming up and that I didn't see Ben all summer and all of September and October. He texted me how he wanted to spend time with me for my birthday and I texted him back how I hated birthdays and how he was doing exactly what I hate about birthdays, which is I don't see or hear from someone almost all year but when it is my birthday (or Valentine's Day) they remember I exist and want to spend time with me. I also texted Ben back how if it weren't for my birthday he probably wouldn't have even tried to make time for me that week. I woke up after that so I don't what Ben said, if he said anything or how it ended. He just texted me a heart 22 minutes ago but I just ignored it. Maybe he will realize that I am mad and giving him the silent treatment. All I wanted to do these past two days was just spend time with him, even if it was to get a quick drink at Starbucks when I had lunch or just talk during my lunch. Or get something to eat after work or see another movie, just something. I would of been happy had he come for just a minute so I could at least give him a hug and kiss. I just wanted to see him at least one more time before school got hectic in the next few weeks but it looks like my dream from last night is becoming a reality. :/

3MSC

Last night I watched 3 Metros Sobre El Cielo. I love that movie and wanted to rewatch it for a long time. I was going to watch the sequel first but wanted to rewatch 3MSC again because I've been wanting to watch it but have been busy with work and school and I wanted to rewatch before watching the sequel to remember what happened in the first movie. Even though every time I watch it and hope that Babi and "H" get back together, I know they won't. I think my favorite seen is Babi's birthday party and "H" and Babi danced to the song "Forever Young." I would love to have a moment like that but I don't think I will anytime soon. In real life the actor and actress that played Babi and "H" dated and just broke up last spring. :( I was sad to hear when they broke up because they were a cute couple and acted in a couple of movies together. I wonder if they'll ever make a English version of 3MSC since there is an Italian and Spanish version. I watched the Spanish version btw but I wouldn't mind watching the Italian version to see how they are similar and different. I want to read the book too so maybe I'll get a copy to read during the summer and read it and not spend money. I still feel like I'm in Spring Break mode. I started school two weeks ago. I'm glad I am just taking one class because I didn't feel ready for student teaching. It also gives me a chance to make more money for the upcoming terms assuming I pass my CSET. I've been lagging studying. Hopefully I pass because then I'll be skewered in the fall. I haven't asked Ben to help me study either. He always seems busy. It would also be nice to pass without his help either. He never invited me anywhere during Spring Break and I don't see him doing so either anytime soon. :/ It would be nice to feel tres metros sobre el cielo right now (hopefully I can with work, school, and Ben).

Good Day

So the last 24 hours have been good to me. Today, my paycheck came and my Hello Kitty earrings. I also bought these Coach butterfly sandals online. I had some before and wore them for years until one of them broke. I tried to find them again in my size but no luck today. I bought them right away. They are pink and in good condition. In the pictures they almost look new so hopefully they are in good shape when I get them. Yesterday, I bought these Hello Kitty flats for $14.99 online. They are so cute and I couldn't believe the price. I almost want to buy the last one in stock but I need to really start saving. They will be coming from Japan so I don't know when they will come. They would perfect to wear to the Hello Kitty museum but I don't know when I going to see it or if I am going to see it. :/ I'm still debating rather one of the last things I buy to start saving is a PINK university jacket. It is $55 and it's my school so I am still deciding on it. Only problem is it is a small. I wear a small but I also like my jackets a little bigger. A medium would be perfect but small will do. They also sell out fast when VS starts selling new colligate apparel for the season so I don't know to buy it now or wait for VS new season but it will be more money and in the summer and I wont have any income. I think I am going to start selling things on eBay for extra income over the summer. I just worry about unnecessary negative review because the buyer didn't bother to take the time to read the description. I hope this struck of luck and goodness continues throughout the week. I am still waiting for Ben to invite me to the Hello Kitty museum exhibit and my financial aid to disburse because my university already put a hold on my account. It is isn't my fault! My financial aid said it was going to be disbursed March 30 and it still hasn't. If it doesn't get disburse by the end of the day I will call my university tomorrow and explain my situation to get my late fee removed and my account out of holding. I will also pray tonight for Ben. I really hope he gets hired full-time and invites me out, preferably this Wednesday since I have work Thursday and school Friday. Now I just need to finish my homework and study STUDY for my CSET next month.

No Date Night I Guess

So Ben finally texted me about a date night yesterday. He didn't really say when so once again things are the same it looks like. The conversation went like this:

Me: 5 classes left to go

Ben: Well I'm proud of you baby. Let's go celebrate!

Me: Lol if you want to
-I doubt it. Looks like I'm right so far. And we probably won't have a date night either until June since it seems like we have date night every three to six months.

Ben: Of course :)
-When it is convenient for you, as in when you don't have a friend in town, it isn't someone's birthday, and when you remember you have a "girlfriend."

Me: Okay, just not Fridays

Ben: You mean like TGIF?
-I've never been their. I wonder how it is?

Me: I mean I have class on Fridays now from 5-8 starting this Friday

Ben: Awwww

Me: I know they only had two classes offered either Tuesday or Friday at the same time so I chose Friday. It's not like I do anything on Fridays anyways
- I chose Friday because it gives me the whole week to work on my school assignments. And it's true, I really don't do anything on Fridays. I'm sad I won't be able to go to the yoga class on Fridays but I at least can start running on early on the weekends and get a gym routine going again. Also, it isn't like Ben and I have so many date nights, especially on Fridays. I've only had three dates with him since the school year started. The first one he only asked me it felt like because of my post on FB though I had ever reason to be mad at him since I hadn't seen him in months and it was close to my birthday. The second date was to make up for my birthday and it was around Christmas time. Finally, the last date was last week when we went to the movies. My guess our next date will be mid May or mid June. And I'm sure I'll see pictures of him tagged out and about with other people, especially the opposite sex and celebrating their birthdays.

Sping Break

So I think I have class this Friday. Hopefully I am still enrolled in the class and received my financial aid to help pay for my class. I still need to submit my financial aid for next school year. I guess grades are out since someone yesterday asked me what I got and then they told me what they got in their classes. They passed the Saturday class with a B+ so hopefully I got some type of B. I don't want to look right now. Right now I just want to clean my room and study for my CSET. I'm also waiting Ben to invite me to the HK museum exhibition but he hasn't yet. Hopefully he invites me tonight so we can go tomorrow since I have class on Friday and don't want to ruin the date by rushing to get home. Typical Ben getting my hopes up once again for a date night. Since we went out last week this probably means we won't have another one till the end of the school year, like June...sigh... :/ I really want to make us official but how can I when I barely see him.

Uncertain Future

My future is uncertain. Here's why: Everything for my last term needed to be completed and submitted by March 23, 11:59 PM. So all of last week I worked and wonder how I did on my assignments and classes. All I wanted to do last week was catch up on my sleep too. I am worried about one class since I did not do a good job on my portfolio assessment and if you don't pass that then you can't take the next class for it. It's bad enough I didn't pass my social studies test and now can't take my student teaching in April. Last Wednesday night, a classmate texted me and told me how he didn't do well on his portfolio assessment. I checked and my had not been graded yet. An hour later I received an email notification how my portfolio assessment had been graded. I told Ben and he said we could look at it after I finish work. We had plans for that day but they had to be change since I took a sub assignment to work that day. He was going to get tickets for the HK exhibition museum but he said to take the job and that we could to the museum exhibit another day. I met Ben after work last Thursday. I was nervous because I was going to find out how I did on my portfolio assessment and also excited because it was going to see Ben and actually spend time with him and FINALLY give him his Christmas present, birthday present, and Valentine's Day present. So we went to Starbucks and he opened his presents which I was nervous about that because I didn't know if he would like them or not. He first opened the box that had his birthday and Valentine's day presents. He opened the red fortune HK box that had that had the HK figurine inside. He commented how he liked the box and like the HK inside. I told him how for Valentine's Day I had envisioned giving it to him with a balloon attach and the box filled with hearts inside, either candy or origami. After that, it was the gourd bird with the Lego cake set inside. I didn't know how he was going to like. he took it out and made a gasping sound of delight. He loved it and said he would put it on his desk. I told him how it was Peru and that it opens. He opened it and like the Lego cake. He then opened the presents that were in the gift bag since not everything could fit in the bag because of the electric razor. He took out the electric razor first. He made another gasping sound which caught me by surprise since I was brushing my hair. I turned to him and he told me how he liked the razor and how he wanted one. I told him how I remember how he said he wanted him. Next, it was the apple frame. He like it but wished I had put a picture in it. I was going to but I couldn't find the file for the picture I had and then I got really busy with school and work but I can always give it to him later or he can put one of his choice. Then finally the last gift was the Nightwing t-shirt. I told him how he reminded me of Nightwing when he had long hair and how I wanted to take pictures with him wearing the shirt and me wearing a Batman one. He loved his gift and I was happy but my happiness was short lived. He checked my portfolio assessment and I didn't do well. I shed a few tears and he comforted me. He thinks I might be able to take the next class, so hopefully he was right. He checked the work I submitted for feedback and he didn't see any. 20 minutes I lost it and he took me back to his car where I lost it. He wanted to make me feel better and asked what I wanted to do and I told him he could picked. He suggested the mall and the movies. He ended up picking the movies and thought Cinderella would make me feel better since he knew I wanted to see it. It was cute but it made me sad in some parts because I was thinking about school. I also thought how I will be never be good enough for someone to go to the ends of the worlds for or take to a ball. I mean, look at past, I went to prom by myself (but I had fun) and it seems like I'll never finish school, get a good job and leave home and start a new life. :/ But I didn't tell Ben what I was thinking. IDK why he wants to be with me at times, I'm really useless when I think about myself. Anyways, after the movies it was getting late. Before I left, he told me things to make me feel better and to get rest when I got home since I had work the next day. I shed a few more tears and he gave me a hug, which made me feel better to have his arms around me. Before I left, he told me to how he would be there for me if I needed him and no matter what time it was he would get in his car to get to me should I need him. He also told me to think positive because we don't know if I failed yet and might be able to get to take the next class. Later that night, he texted me how Cinderella reminded him of me and how he wanted to take me to a ball. I told him I was a terrible dancer and there was no balls. Well there are balls, but neither of us have access to going to one. Maybe one day or maybe we can have a dance together if we chaperon a dance. So now Idk what my future will be like. I'm scared and full of anxiety. I checked this morning for a list of my textbooks I would need but it wasn't posted yet which makes me wonder if I had passed my class or not. I asked Ben to check my final grades for me but he said when he checked it wasn't posted. Today, I received a welcome email from professor for the class I enrolled next term. It could mean I passed or it could mean the roster of the class hasn't been updated yet. I could be still enrolled but later dropped once grades are released. It's nerve-racking because my future is uncertain. Did I pass? Did I not pass? What I am dreading is thinking about my future if I didn't pass my class. I lose my fin aid, angry parents, I will have to take the class again and without fin aid, Idk how I'll afford it. My uncertain future is scary and stressing me out and I pray for a miracle I passed.

Answer to Questions

I saw Ben last week. I was working on a group project at our former university and he stopped by to give us feedback on our project. It was the first time I had seen him since our last date night, which was in December. After we called it quits for the night, we went to eat. He gave me my Valentine's Day present which was the Hello Kitty nail art, 3 Twix bars, and Hello Kitty stickers. It was sweet since he knows I like Hello Kitty and painting my nails. Also, he knows I am not big on chocolate, but I do like chocolate with caramel, like Twix and Snickers. I wished I had brought him his gift. I wasn't sure if he was going to come or not and I didn't want to be seen with the gifts in my hands at my house. The only thing that killed the mood for me that night was seeing a deflated birthday balloon in the back seats of his car after the late dinner. It just reminded me of how little I get to see him and how I never get to celebrate a birthday with him. He got a phone call after the dinner and one of his friends asked if he was going to come for ditch day the following day. Every year his friends have a ditch day where they ditch either work or school and spend a day together. He had thought it was for the following week and was still thinking about going. So there was a 50/50 chance I would see him the next day or not. So the next day I worked on my group project. We were all hoping Ben would come but he didn't, he decided to ditch work. Ben offered to review our project. He said we could film it or send him the PowerPoint presentation but we just wanted to submit our project asap, which we did. I was bummed he didn't come because I brought his gifts too. He also wanted a date night for that weekend but I was busy with school and a part of me was hurt and bummed seeing the birthday balloon and how I brought his gifts but he didn't come. It didn't help that over the weekend I was watching Millionaire Matchmaker and Patty was asking the lady candidates what's the most romantic thing a guy has ever done for them. I thought about it and I really couldn't think of something. I once had a guy who tried to surprise me by taking me to a sushi restaurant in Laguna Beach. I declined because I had felt underdressed when I saw him and I didn't want to be out late. I also thought it was a little much for a first date but it was thought that counted. I'm still used to guys taking me to what Ben might consider chain restaurants and movies. Even now I couldn't answer that question. I mean Ben does help me with school when I really need it so that's romantic but romantic-romantic like someone sending me flowers at work, I guess no one has ever done anything that romantic. Patty also asked, "What's the most romantic thing they have done for a guy?" I thought about, I haven't done anything either I guess, so it does go both ways. I guess for me the only romantic things I have really done is decorate Ben's house and car for Valentine's Day. It would be nice for once if a guy actually did something romantic for me besides dinner and movies. I just want to feel special for once and have a guy take the time to plan and do something romantic and memorable.      

Gloomy and Rainy

Last night I FaceTimed with Ben. He mostly just talked about work since that's what I asked him mostly. He wanted to see me Sunday night but I wasn't in the mood to go out. Maybe if the weather was warmer I would of been up to it. He did offer to pick me up since he knows I don't like driving in the rain but I was already in pjs and like I said was not in the mood. Part of the reason was because I was snooping around some of his friends' profile page and saw the pictures he was in. A lot where him celebrating his friends birthdays, hanging out with friends, and his birthday celebration. I had mixed emotions seeing those pictures, I felt upset and jealous all balled up into one feeling. I saw him once Christmas break and we never even got to see the Pompeii exhibit like I wanted to. I didn't see him at all in January and we didn't do anything for his birthday. Even though he did make an effort for Valentine's day but I was suffering from allergies I doubt he would of tried to make plans with me last weekend had it not been Valentine's Day. And for all I know he could of been out on Valentine's Day since he knew I sick. Maybe the next time I snoop around I'll find pictures of him out on Valentine's Day.

So later Sunday night Ben texted me how his phone was now fixed and how he wanted to see me. He asked what I did that day and I lied. I didn't do anything except go to some stores that day but I lied and said I was out celebrating a friend's birthday. Hopefully that made him a little jealous. It might of worked since when we FaceTime he said he really wanted to see me so we could celebrate Christmas, his birthday, and Valentine's Day. I told him if he wants to and how he's the one whose always to busy for me to which he didn't respond right away. So he is trying to make plans with me this week. He even offered to have date night in the middle of the week. If I didn't have a project and presentation that I have to do for my Thursday night class I would be up to it. I guess we could go out Tuesday night, Thursday night, and possibly Friday night. Maybe Saturday or Sunday night too but I have a project due Sunday night too. Also, I suck at lesson planning for my Saturday class. My direct lesson plans just suck, they suck so bad that my professor wants to meet this week to discuss it. :/ Great...another bad week it looks like. So since I read the email from my professor I've been feeling gloomy. I don't think this week will be a good week to see Ben. I have a lot of projects I need to start and finish and my Saturday class is making me feel gloomy. Please God, don't let this be another bad week for me, please.   

At least the weather matches my mood, gloomy and rainy. :'(

Cloudy Day

Yesterday I was suppose to have a date night with Ben but we didn't. His phone died yesterday and he wasn't able to get a hold of me to later at night. I'm not mad because it was cloudy and windy and it would of been cold for me for a nice date night. Now I kind of wish I had bought a tablet for him so he has another way of getting hold of people. Or maybe I should get him an iPod since he can send me messages to my phone and FaceTime me too. Idk, I need to research more.

I think for next term I am going to take one class, assuming I pass the classes I am taking right now. I am disappointed in myself. I wanted to finish school by December but now it looks like next March. I can take a CSET in March but I am not ready. There is also May and July so I'll sign up for the May one and if I don't pass then the July one and hopefully I pass by then so I can start student teaching in September. I was hoping I would pass by now so I could study for other CSET too like the physical education and multiple subjects. Ben said he would help me study too but he never does so I am not relying on him for help with studying. I also need to be more independent and stop relying on people.

Ben also got another long term assignment last Friday. I was hoping last Friday we could have lunch together the day before but that's when he started his long term assignment. I dressed up for work last Friday since it was the day before Valentine's Day at work and that's what I had already plan on wearing if I had lunch with Ben. So when I went to work last Friday I knew he wouldn't surprise me with flowers or balloons either after work. I thought he might for Valentine's Day but nope. To me, I haven't seen his romantic side that he claims to have. He does take me out and help me when he can but I haven't seen anything off the top romantic. But that's how its always been with me and guys. They just take me to dinner and movies 99% of the time. No guy has ever done anything over the top romantic for me. When I see girls get asked in a cute way for a school dance, I wish for once in my life that would happen to me but I don't think it will ever happen anytime soon. Ben never asked me to official be his girlfriend ever. 

I have some free days this week that would of been nice to spend a day with Ben. He could of taken me to campus to get my taxes done and then we could of spent the rest of the day in the city but that won't be happening anytime soon. It would of been nice if I could of had a date night with Ben last night even if it was cold since it is half way through the semester and now I am going to have tons of projects for school so I'll be really busy with school and won't be able to have a date night in the near future. Oh well, I am use to it by now.  

Last Monday, I was watching Jane the Virgin and the character Rafael totally reminded me of Omar towards the end of the episode. He was talking to Jane on his bed and the way he was posed reminded me of Omar. Then the song they were playing called Worlds Apart by Joshua Radin even reminded me of Omar more because in the song it talked about the moon and being apart. Omar always use to point out the moon when it was full. Sometimes when I look at a full moon I think about the memories I had with Omar at the gym. I think he crosses my mind from time to time because a part of me wonders if he ever like me or not and wants to know. But when I think of it, probably not. He never asked me out when he had the chance and he is married now so that answers my question. Hopefully Ben truly loves me and isn't cheating on me because I can't take another heart break.

I don't think I will go to the gym tonight. It is really cold and cloudy. I also don't want to get up in any rain since it is suppose to rain today and tomorrow. I didn't go last week because my allergies were bad but hopefully I can go later this week. I really want to get back into shape and hopefully meet some new people.

Bad News

So I didn't pass my CSET. I don't know what I am going to do next term. I almost passed a subtest. I got a 217/220, so that really sucked. I had Ben texted me my results. Had we been together in person to look at my results, I'd probably been an emotional wreck. So now I get sad when I see my school's logo at any moment. And to add to the bad week I was already having my sinuses became worse by yesterday, which was Valentine's Day.

So once again Ben and I did not have a Valentine's Day together. This year I was the reason. I have a raspy voice, sore throat, and a stuffy nose. I probably could of gone out last night but my sinuses would ruined the romance. I felt bad for Ben but he understood and just wants me to get better. I wonder what Ben had plan since it was suppose to be s surprise. At least the next time we go out there wont be as many people because of Valentine's Day crowd rush. On Friday, he kind of gave me a hint by asking me, "You like to paint your nails a lot right?' So my guess was a nail polish set, like the Hello Kitty Sephora set. He did want to get me this top where you can put cell phone on the side but I told him how it can cause cancer. Then yesterday he texted me a sneak peek of my Valentine's Day present. I think it is the Hello Kitty nail art book. Aw, he knows I like to paint my nails.

I also got a check yesterday for $187. I kind of want to cash it and buy a tablet because I saw them on sale at Costco. I also still need to put a picture in his apple frame. Now that Valentine's Day is over, maybe I can find a cute heart box on sale.

Bad Day

Yesterday I had a bad day at work. Then I thought I lost my credit card but I found it thankfully. I told Ben about my day and he wanted to go out with me up but unfortunately we couldn't in the end. It was sweet though but we ended up talking on the phone last night. He told me how he was worried about us. He was worried because he said last week he wanted to go out with me but he was busy. I told him it was okay because I was busy with school. He told me he was worried because last week 4 of his friends ended their relationships so he was trying to help them. One was really bad he said. And one I met from the wedding we went to, one was getting a divorce, and another an engagement. So that made him worried about us because we hadn't had date night in a while and also because he thought I was mad at him on his birthday because we didn't have plans. I told him I wasn't but I just like to keep it basic on birthdays because I'm not big on birthdays and how I assumed how he was busy celebrating his birthday so I didn't know when he would see my message. He then told me to keep Saturday night opened. I have an idea  what I want to wear and hopefully I am not tired from school. Also, I am worried that I might be getting sick bc the weather has been dry lately. My throat has been hurting and I'm afraid I'll get a sinus infection and lose my voice.

I picked up my stuff from Kmart. I now have nail polish for Valentine's Day. I also bought a tiara, it was free with the surprise points. I could of gotten jewelry for work but the tiara was on sale and it was a heart tiara. I feel a little childish but I always wanted one and never had the opportunity to have one. I think one reason was because I saw Ben celebrate a birthday with a girl and she had a tiara on. Also, because I think like most females, they want to feel like a princess, even just for a second. So, it kind of made me feel like a princess and it also reminds me how I don't need to a man to feel like a princess. In the past, I've had guys want to treat me like a princess but they never did. Just lies.   

 I am having Ben look at my CSET bc I'm afraid to look. I am getting nervous waiting for my CSET result. Hopefully, this doesn't ruin my week and  Valentine's Day.  

Monday Night

Ben invited me to dinner tonight. He remembered. I remembered last week he wanted to hang out on Monday but I thought he had forgotten. I also thought he might be mad because I didn't really talk to him on his birthday or invite him out. I told him I wasn't sure if I was going to or not. I am pretty tired and I have work tomorrow. I don't want to ruin the dinner being tired and having to leave earlier. I also want to wrap all his presents and I still need to put a picture in his apple picture frame.

Ben also said to keep Saturday night free too. I don't know what he is planning, I am curious but I don't want to get my hopes up. I also have school in the morning and I don't know what I am going to say to my parents when they see me getting ready to go out. I also don't know what I am going to wear!!! I'll probably end up going to the gym since something always goes wrong on Valentine's Day between Ben and me. And if I do go to the gym it will be nice and empty too, I should know, I've been to the gym on Valentine's Day.

I wouldn't mind celebrating Valentine's Day next week. It would be less stressful and less crowded. I need to do my homework earlier so Ben and I can enjoy this week, if we do go out.      

My CSET results are in. I don't want to look!!! Maybe I'll look tomorrow.

Lucky Streak???

Last week was a good week, I think. I finally got my work paycheck so I can pay off the rest of my bills. I'm doing better about buying things online. I also won 2 dollars from Kmart so I was able to buy nail polish for Valentine's Day. I also got $4 to use on jewelry and $5 for clothes. I bought some socks since I couldn't find any blouses that had store pickup but I can never have enough socks, lol. So that made my week. I also got a coupon for $4 to use for fish décor or treat from Petco for one of my fish's birthday, so I am excited about that.

I did buy the gourd bird box for Ben, since I had $5 that were expiring that day. It was a lot bigger then I expected, it's big. I should of gotten the smaller one for the Hello Kitty to fit perfectly inside. At first, I didn't know what to do with the gourd surprise because it was bigger then expected. I thought about filling it with chocolate hearts but then I worried about the Hello Kitty breaking or the chocolate melting. I did figure out what to put inside the gourd box, which is the Lego birthday cake. So that worked out well. But I am still trying to figure out how to  present the Hello Kitty mini figurine. I am pleased that the gourd was just right for the Lego Birthday cake, so hopefully Ben will like it when he gets it. I'm just going to give all his gifts from Christmas to Valentine's Day as one big present at this point. I did try to give him his Christmas present earlier but he was busy or sick when I tried.

I wonder if Ben and I will do anything for Valentine's Day? I do have some outfits ideas but I'm not stressing since we never celebrated one together, so this Valentine's Day will probably be the same. But I'll probably do my nails since I love doing my nails and I just got nail polish from Kmart. Hopefully, I am not tired on Valentine's day if I do out with Ben. I don't want to be tired while out with Ben because I was up all night finishing my homework.

My CSET results will be released at 5PM today. I'm scared because I probably didn't pass and I am going to be sad the rest of the week and my lucky streak will be over. Also, I don't know what I am going to do about school and money. I can see that ruining my Valentine's Day too. :(

I better start my homework for this week so I can go to the gym and enjoy Valentine's Day. Hopefully, I get it done on time and hopefully my CSET are not that bad.  

The Gym

I went to the gym on Ben's birthday. It's also the weekend so I am also trying to go every week. I even went last week and ripped a photo of my ex afterwards. That's my goal, to go to the gym every week and rip a picture of my ex until all of them are ripped. They also returned the camera my ex gave me, really, not a penny for it?! Oh well, maybe I can find another website who will buy it.

Going to the gym does help me finish my homework earlier, so that's a plus. Hopefully, I'll get a chance to go this week. I am going to try for Friday and hopefully take a yoga class but I need to finish my homework earlier for my Saturday class, even though homework isn't due before class on Saturday, which is 7AM. But it would be nice to have it done earlier instead of staying up all Friday to finish it. I was going to go to yoga last Friday but I was pooped out from work that day and just wanted to sleep when I got home. 

While I was at the gym, Omar somehow popped into my mind. It was just a flashback but I quickly shook it out of my head. I don't know what trigger it but hopefully it won't happen any more.   

Ben's Birthday

Ben's birthday was this weekend. I just sent him a text message and wrote on his wall. I was surprised he sent me a message at 2:37 AM on his birthday. It was just a heart. He probably just finished celebrating his birthday or just got off the phone when he sent that message. Or maybe he was sleeping and checking his phone to see if I called or sent him a message at midnight which I did not. I thought about but decided against it. I assumed he would be busy by being out celebrating his birthday or on the phone and I would get a busy signal. Plus, a part of me is just a little bitter that he didn't even call or send me a message on my birthday. He did, but hours later, and I mean hours later, like the evening. So I wrote on his wall and sent him a happy birthday at 6:28 AM and that's all I did for his birthday. I didn't even bother to try to make plans for his birthday this year since I knew he would probably have plans all weekend long. Also, I didn't like how last year when we celebrated his birthday he was on phone for most of the dinner and he didn't even do anything for my birthday this year but yet he celebrated other people's birthdays. A part of me thinks he was at his work's high school's homecoming game since it was the same day as my birthday and he was just using how he had a bad day at work as an excuse not to hang out with me on my birthday. It would also make sense how he texted me in the evening, so he was probably at the football game. Oh well, this is why I don't like birthdays in general, too much work and too much fakeness. Also, I would probably feel ignored and forgotten had Ben invited me to his celebrate his birthday, like last year or with his friends. He did message me two more times on his birthday, at 9:22 AM, which said <3 I love you (probably after seeing my messages) and 6:14 PM, which was just a heart. I ignored it as I was busy working on finishing my homework so I could submitted it early and go to the gym and enjoy it so I don't have to worry about finishing it later. I felt bad ignoring it, since it was birthday and he did review one of my assignments this week but I'm sure he was out having fun celebrating his birthday.     

Getting Even Closer

It's February now, so it is getting even closer to Ben's birthday and Valentine's Day. I still have his Christmas present! I wish I could of mailed it to him but it would of been really expensive. I would not mind shipping it but I am broke. So the next time we go out, he is going to get a lot of presents from me. So for Christmas, it was the electric razor and apple heart frame, for his birthday, the Lego cake and Nightwing shirt, and for Valentine's day, a Hello Kitty mini figurine holding a heart and maybe chocolate. I still need to figure out how I want to give him the figurine. I am going to wait for Christmas for the tablet. I might buy it now and give it to him for Christmas that way I have something for him then because I won't be working as much then and super busy with school. Also, there will be new versions of tablets, so maybe I will wait for a new version. His Lego cake came yesterday too, it is really cute. I think I will keep it in the bag and let him put it together for fun.
 
Another check from selling my textbooks also came yesterday. I got $73.38. But I also got my Kohl's and VS bills too so I won't be able to enjoy my checks since I need to pay my bills but I plan on making these my last bills for a while. I'm still waiting for my work paychecks. I wonder how much I will make? I wonder how much money I will have left over after I pay my bills too? I hope I have enough for Ben's birthday and for school. I also still need to do my taxes so I can apply for financial aid next school year but it will suck losing it if I don't pass my CSET, which will probably be most likely. I don't know what I am going to do and I don't want to think about it either.

Anyways, I saw someone bought the Lego heart box on eBay. If you bought it now it would ended up being around $14. So someone really wanted it. I also went to the gym last night finally. I went to the new one near my house. I almost went to Omar's former gym but I wanted to give the new one a try and I loved it!!! They have free Wi-Fi, basketball court, and not crowded. I'm going to try to go tonight and get my homework done early. I also want to start going to classes at the gym, like yoga and Turbo Kickboxing, so hopefully I can start that next week.   

Getting Closer

It is getting closer to Ben's birthday and V-Day. I still have his Christmas gift too. I received $255.37 from my Amazon trade-in and $17 from another website for my textbooks. I am just waiting from the other websites to see what I get for my textbooks. I wish the $255.37 was a check and not store credit but oh well. They rejected the camera from my ex. Ugh, I don't want it! Even a penny for it would of done it for me! I think they are going to ship it back too, nnnoooo!!! I don't want to see it ever again!!!!!

 I don't know if I should get Ben a tablet or not. Maybe. So for his birthday I bought a Lego birthday cake. I don't know if I should put it together or let him. I saw a Lego heart box on eBay but they already sold the good colors. There is another one but is a black box with a red bow. It isn't to bad looking and I am debating if I should get it or not because I don't know if it will come in time for V-Day since the auction is 5 days and it comes from out of state too. I like it because I bought Ben a mini Hello Kitty holding a heart. It is really tiny and cute. I would be cute to put it in a Lego heart box for V-Day but I am trying to cut back on my spending. I also saw a leather heart box and a gourd bird that opens up. Those would also be cute to use to put the figurine in for V-Day. I know I have some V-Day mini boxes that look like carry-out containers but I can't find it. That would be perfect and I wouldn't have to spend money and wonder if it will come on time too. I'm not trying to be cheap but I am being more cautious about how I spend my money because after this term for school, the next two or three terms are going to be expensive and I wont be able to work M-Th because of school. I already have a couple of dates in February so that will help but I don't want to waste those paychecks paying bills. After February, I won't really have the need to spend money (hopefully) because Ben's birthday and V-Day will have past. I jut hope they go great and I still have money in the end for school. I'm still not sure what I am going to do for Ben's birthday. Dinner date and my treat?  

I also saw Lego roses that would be perfect for V-Day on Amazon and eBay. I could always use my store credit on Amazon but people are selling them really expensive and I wonder how much they really are worth. Like $40 for one when I could make it myself with old Legos but even old Legos people are selling expensive. I could also buy it on e-bay since I saw them cheaper and I have $5 store credit too. I like it but I'm trying to save even though I did buy the Lego cake but I also don't want to get carried away on themes. Last year, I gave him bird figurines for his world figurine collection so the gourd bird figurine box might me out. Also, the picture frame apple I got him for Christmas. I did get him a Coach apple keychian last year but the frame was suppose to be for his classroom because I thought he would get hired full-time, so that might make him sad too. So getting a Lego rose or heart might be a little too much after the Lego cake.

I'll figurine out what I am going to do once I get inspired like last year. Hopefully, I have the time, resources, and money.  

More Jobs = More $$$

I was just offered some sub jobs throughout January and February. This is just what I needed. Next week, I'll be subbing Monday-Wednesday, which gives me time to do my homework Wednesday and Thursday before class (unless I get a job Thursday) and then I can observe Friday. I am happy that I can make a little more than $300 next week. So now I'll have money to pay for my Kohl's and Victoria's Secret bills next month. It isn't too much (at least for now lol). I also subbed three times earlier this month so after my bills I'll have a tad bit more for savings and for Ben's birthday. And if my checks from my books come soon, that will really help too. I will also apply to the school district that I am observing at so I can get sub jobs their and get to know the area. I wish Ben subbed for the same district for me so I could see him at work but then he might be a distraction (kidding). I feel bad that Ben didn't get hired full-time. I am going to pray to St. Jude and St. Cajun and hopefully he gets another long term position or hired full time.  

FaceTime with Ben

I FaceTime with Ben Monday night. He called earlier to apologize about date night and wanted to FaceTime later. He is still not feeling well. We did and he looked different but in a good way. He has a goatee now and he said he stopped shaving since he didn't get hired full time. I know how he feels though. While we were talking, we talked about school dances. What would be cute idea is to recreate a homecoming or prom dance since neither one of us had dates to those dances. Also, Ben never went to a homecoming dance. I wouldn't mind doing something like that in the different future when we both have time for an evening event like that. We could even take pictures and be king and queen of the school dance lol,

I'm spending money here and there but not as much as Black Friday. I did buy some sport bras and a pair of shorts because they were on sale and I got a free tote bag. The sports bra were $30 with store credit care so I bought some. I have a $20 promotion code but didn't use it since you can only use three promo codes and 2 were for free shipping and the sports bra discount and then I wanted the free tote so those were my 3 codes but I have till the end of February to use it. I also bought some shoes from TOMS for work and for my family. I used PayPal so I'll have six months to pay it off since it was over $100. So for my brother's birthday and Mother's Day this year are covered.  

January is going by fast too! I just bought Ben a Hello Kitty mini Precious Moment for Valentine's Day and maybe I'll use the NightWing shirt for his birthday. I feel bad but I don't know if I'll get my checks in time to buy Ben a tablet and then I don't know how long it will take too. I want to get Ben a Duracell portable charger too but maybe I'll wait for Christmas. He also wouldn't mind an Ancestry DNA so maybe that will be a future gift idea too. Hopefully I'll have money then too but I don't know since my last two terms will be expensive and I don't know what will happen if I don't get financial aid. Maybe I'll get a second job or take next term off to work more.  

Monday Plans

I'm not sure what my plans will be for today. Ben didn't say anything last night, he just sent me an emjoi heart. Probably clean around my house and room and try to start my homework (download my readings and print them through FedEx office). Maybe look for more books to sell online, lol.  I think I am also going to apply to be a substitute teacher at the district I am hosting at. They make $120 a day and I could use all the money I can get. Next term, my units will be 7 units and I don't know if I'll have enough saved up or not. I regret spending so much money. I'm doing better. I've only bought some things for work and no more then $100 do I want to spend at a store. It sucks seeing most of my paychecks being used to pay for my store credit cards instead of being saved for future school terms. I've also shipped all my books that I sold online. So now I am just waiting to see how much I will make off of my used books. I also sold my camera my ex gave me, thank God! One less reminder of him. One website I sold my books to I made $32 so that's nice. Also, as of know I'll be getting $200 from ebates next month. And if I sub at least once a week, I can make at least $400 a month. Which was more money then my first (former) job and less work and mileage on my car. I hope to have money for Ben's birthday. I just hope I am not tired or busy next month for his birthday. I'm still not sure what I am going to do for his birthday and what I am going to get him for Valentine's Day and his birthday.

Back to School

My classes just started this week and I met my host teacher this week. So far, so good. Hopefully, it doesn't turn into another hell term again. That was really stressful being a month behind and not being able to do anything about it. Anyways, Ben texted me yesterday.

Saturday, 11:56 AM
Ben: Paddington came out this weekend lol
Me: Did you see it?
15:59
Ben: No, I want to see it with you
Me: Aw lol, if you want to see it
Ben: I know you liked it lol. Are you free Monday? It's MLK day so no school or work
17:42
Me: Lol, it's more of my sister who liked it. I forgot there's no school Monday.
19:01
Ben: Haha Awww. Yeah no school it's a free day :)
Me: Lol
Ben: I miss you
Me: I miss you too
Do you think we can do Monday? Tomorrow I have to help my aunt and family move into their new house.
Me: It's fine or next week works too
Ben: Hmmm. I miss you and want to see you soon that's all.
Me: <3

I don't know what my plans will be for tomorrow. I want to see Ben but I don't want to go to the movies. I want to give him his Christmas present too. I want to do something other then go to the movies and the Pompeii exhibit just ended a week go too. :( That's what I really wanted to do with Ben. It's sweet that he remember about Paddington even though I just told him who Paddington was but I really don't want to see it. I am also really tired from the first week of school. He's also making time for me since there is no school or work tomorrow for us. It's nice he offered, but if it wasn't a holiday would he even tried. I don't know what I am going to do or say. I want to see him and there's other exhibits I want to see but I don't know if he even wants to do that or if the museums are opened tomorrow.

Winter Break is Over

My winter break is coming to an end. I start classes this week. It could be last semester too. :/ I took my CSET yesterday. I think I did better then last time, but just a tad. I really don't know if I did well enough to get a passing score. I need a 660 and last time I got a 584. I'll probably get the same score or worse since this test had more econ and government questions now that I think of it. Sigh...I'll find out next month.

I wanted to go to the Pompeii exhibit too before my winter break was over but it is raining today and traffic would be a nightmare. I was hoping Ben would invite me but nope, not surprised though. He probably didn't even remember that I wanted to go. Oh well, I probably won't see him till next month only because it's his birthday and Valentine's Day which will most likely be combined into one date and then I won't see him till who knows when. I don't want to complain because I feel guilty that's he's going through a lot, like his parents divorcing and him not getting hired full-time by his site school. I was hoping he would get hired full-time because it might of helped strengthen our relationship. He would feel financially secure and then I can FINALLY DTR and introduce him to my parents. And then maybe get engaged and married down the line. Hopefully, I can money to get Ben a nice birthday/Valentine's Day.

I'm being careful how I am spending my money now, especially after Black Friday. I don't know how my schedule will be like this semester since I am  going to be doing mini teaching lessons to high school kids. I am nervous since I don't know how the students will be and I have not been in contact with my host teacher yet. I did send her two e-mails but no response. I will call tomorrow. Hopefully, I do not get dropped by her because I can't go through hell again like last term. I did buy my textbooks so I am waiting for those to come in. I just need to send two boxes of old textbooks to Amazon so I can get Amazon credit and maybe get Ben a tablet. I also bought some pet food online since there was free shipping, no minimum, and a sale. Also, some clothes for work and self-tanners. Yes, self-tanners and the Dove brand too. I can only find the Dove self-tanner online. I like the Dove self-tanner since it works actually and doesn't smell bad. I don't want to look pasty and pale when teaching to high school students. It will be just be one less thing to worry about and hopefully one less thing for students to not make fun of me.

 Hopefully, I get  a decent amount of money for the textbooks I traded-in. I can use all the cash I can get since money will be scare now. I am also worried about losing fin aid if I don't pass my CSET and have to take the semester off. Then I wont have enough money to pay for the rest of my classes which would of been two more semesters, assuming I pass this upcoming semester. I wish for a miracle where I have more time with Ben, he gets a full-time job, I pass my CSET, and I get enough money to pay for my classes.