Ideas Popping Left and Right

So I have some ideas for Ben's birthday and Valentine's day.  Hopefully they don't cost me a pretty penny and/or waste my time because I don't want a repeat of last year's Valentine's day.  So for Ben's birthday I was thinking of getting him movie passes and either a Sock Monkey TY Beanie Baby that has a happy birthday tee shirt on or a My Little Pony one since he is a brony.  Maybe a superhero tee too since he's into the whole comic book/super hero scene but I haven't seen any I like so far.  The movies tickets I can buy in the stores too, so that's a plus and I don't need my credit card to buy it online.  For Valentine's Day, I just bought online an apple photo keychain since he's working on being a teacher and possibly me.  I know I was trying to avoid buying online but I know this item will be probably be hard to find in the store and if I do, I'll probably pay close to retail price if anything.  On the plus side, I don't have to wait in line or go to different stores looking for it.  Now I just need a nice picture of us to put in it but I don't really like how I look in the pictures we do have together and nowadays we only hang out once a month, so I guess I'm going to have make sure we take a ton the next time we have a date night.  I was also thinking of getting him a Hello Kitty marshmallow pop since that's what he first gave me for Valentine's day when we were in college together.  We weren't dating then but he did want to ask me to dinner that night but chickened out.  I saw them yesterday at the stores already,  I wanted to buy one but I don't know if it's too soon to buy it because I don't want it to get hard but I don't want to wait to long to buy it and then go to the store only to find it out of stock.  I was then planning on attaching it to a Hello Kitty Beanie Baby holding a heart but I don't want to go overboard with giving him Beanie Babies but if I just buy one at the store I can expect to pay almost three dollars more for them as where buying them online, I save money, they shipped fast but I need to buy at least two to get free shipping but I can always keep the Hello Kitty one for me if I change my mind.  I want to buy balloons too and tie them to his gate at his house but I don't know if I should do this for his birthday or Valentine's day.  I'm leaning towards Valentine's Day since his birthday is on a Saturday and I don't know if I'll ever get a chance to do this plus I work on Friday's and Valentine's Day being on Friday, I can tie the balloons before I go to work but everyone will be buying balloons that day so I'm probably going to need to do this early.  I want to take Ben out for dinner  for his birthday but he'll probably be busy with his friends and forget about me and they'll probably take him out somewhere and forget to invite me.  And if I do get invited out, I'll probably just sit there very quietly and feeling awkward since I don't know any of his friends really.  I guess I can always take him out to eat the day before or after.  I don't know if I should get him a cake either since I don't know if I'll even get to see him on his birthday.  I'm probably also going to buy either a bag of sour hearts or chocolate hearts from See's Candies since I do every year and put them in the same bag that Ben had used for the Valentine's Day that he got me the marshmallow pop.  I did this last year and then he used the same bag for Christmas so we can keep using the bag till it falls apart or if either one of us loses it.  I thought it was funny that he actually kept it too.  Now I just need to figure out what I want to wear.               

$Money Woe$

12/26

Stores are already pushing Valentine's Day stuff and Christmas was just yesterday!  There are so many things I want and need to buy and why I am having money woes.  I need to pay for spring classes and one of my text books and that's going to be around $400 dollars.  I also need to order transcripts but offices are closed and I don't want to buy it online if they are going to charge some ridiculousness amount for convince fee because I might as well and go to the school campuses if the rate is going to be outrageous for ordering online.  They should give you a discount instead for saving paper and gas, what happened with going green people?!  Things that I want, a new outfit for Ben's birthday and Valentine's day and something nice and meaningful for both events, which at this point I have some ideas floating in my head but $$$ is what is stopping me.  Like I said, I need money for school and for applying my masters but I also want money for planning Ben's birthday and Valentine's day.  I want to but them now while I'm still on break from school and work and also while they are still available but with Christmas jut being yesterday, I'm afraid to know how my credit card bills look like.  I'm trying to cut back on online shopping and paying things with a credit card but sometimes I can't help it.  For example, it's cheaper to buy my textbook online then from the school bookstore, so buying online is okay in that case for me.  Things that I want to get for Ben's birthday is available online and the stores but buying online is sometimes cheaper and I save gas and I don't have to wait in line.  I'm probably going to buy online now so I don't have to worry about it come next year and have one less thing to worry about come January, leaving me to have more time to focus on school, work, and applying for my masters.   

Christmas Light

12.21.13

I finally have a chance to breathe and relax.  On winter break from school and work.  I hung out with Ben FINALLY last Sunday (12/15). This is the first time we been together since my birthday and that was a little over a month ago.  We went to see Christmas lights and had dinner afterwards.  Then we exchanged gifts.  He got me a HK tee.  I got him a Batman robe and HK blanket.  I wasn't sure how he was going to like the gifts, especially the blanket but he loved them and even sent me a picture of himself with the blanket.  He was a little hard to shop for but luckily I remembered he once sent me pictures of different super hero robes from Comic Con.  The blanket, I didn't know how he was going to react.  But the idea was that he was to think of me when he slept with the blanket.  Even though there was "Guy themed" blankets, I went with the Hello Kitty (hk) one because I love HK.  Hopefully, I get to hang out with Ben more during winter break because come January, school and work will start again for the both of us and I'm taking two classes this semester, so hopefully I can balance school, work, staying in shape, and Ben but work and school will be done by May so until then, I'm going to need to balance everything and hopefully stop procrastinating assignments.

Before I forget, while looking at the Christmas lights, Ben and I ran into someone that Ben went to high school with.  He introduced me to them as his girlfriend.  So I'm his girlfriend! :)  I could of have embarrassed by putting him on the spot and called him out how he hasn't officially asked me to be his gf but at least now I know I'm his girlfriend.  Now how to tell my parents and introduced him to them is a whole different thing to worry about!!!

I'm also in the process of applying for Masters.  Unfortunately, it isn't in anthropology but it can maybe lead me to an anthropology job one day.  I'm applying for a masters in teaching, when I think about it, anthropology is all around me, even in teaching.  From theories to culture understandings, I can put my anthropology knowledge into use.  I was surprised how much I used anthropology in the child development classes I have taken so far.  I'm still bum I'm not working in my ideal anthropology job or pursuing my masters in it but sometime life already has it's own plans for us.  I'm a little scared of applying because at first I wasn't really considering it, I was just more information but the more I look into the more I became interested, plus it's online, so that's a plus.  There isn't too many online graduate programs in anthropology and I've only received one follow up on information from the schools I have requested information from.  Back to my point, I'm scared because 1. I don't know if I have all the required classes, hopefully I do 2. What will classes be like 3.  Do I need to get B's or higher in my classes in order to pass, I know Ben was telling me in teaching program/graduate programs you do and he was getting a 79 in a class and worried he wasn't going to "pass" and have to take that class again which was going to through off his student-teaching process and when he could start applying to a school 4. And lastly, cost.  Classes are like $1,000 something per unit! So I have no idea how I'm going to pay if I get accepted :( They do offer loan forgiveness if you work for them so many years, so maybe I'll do that.

Ben's birthday is coming up in two months so now I have no idea what to get for his birthday and Valentine's Day! Stores are already pushing Valentine's day stuff already too when Christmas hasn't come yet.  I didn't see anything I liked online on free shipping day.  I looked into things like Batman pjs for men and tees but I feel I might be overdoing it with the whole Batman thing.  Maybe gift cards to the movies, he does go to the movies  a lot.  Last year, one of the things I got him was a gift card to one of his favorite restaurants, I don't know if I should do that again.  I did manage not to get him a gift card for Christmas so maybe if I do get a gift card, I get a pass for his birthday/V-Day.  He's hard to shop for and with gift cards, he can get what he wants :P So for now, I'm still looking for something to get Ben for his birthday and Valentine's Day.  Hopefully we can actually spend both of the day together because last year we did not but then again we didn't really start officially dating till March and he has yet to ask me to be his girlfriend officially.  But still it would be nice to spend those days together, hopefully we do!!!

Responding Back

Last night, I couldn't sleep because I was thinking of Ben and also because I had an ice coffee drink hours before.  I sent him a message of a heart at 10:59 PM and waited to hear from him but minutes then an hour went by as I was scrolling through Ifunny so then I gave up and went to wish someone a happy birthday on social media and apparently that's what got Ben's attention because then at 12:15 AM he sent me a heart message.  I thought about not responding but then it was eating me up inside wondering if I did something wrong so I sent him a message back:
 
12:15 AM
Ben: <3 
Me:  R u mad at me?
 
Ben: No! Why would you think that? :(
Me: Oh you just seemed distant?
 
Ben: No. I'm sorry. I'm not trying to.  I've been so busy!  I subbed 4 times this week and have so much homework.  I'm sorry.  You're my special someone and I don't want you to feel that way :)
Me: Oh ok I understand
 
Ben: Are you mad at me?
Me: No! I know ur busy this fall
 
Ben: I love you :)
         Did you want to FaceTime?
Me: If you want, I just need a minute
 
Ben: Yeah me too
Me: K
 
So while we were facetiming, Ben had brought up how he saw my message of happy birthday to someone on social media.  That probably got his attention since he kind of sees this person as a competitor for me, even though I was never interested in this person.  So then because of that post, Ben brought up my birthday and he said, "Speaking of birthday, someone's is coming up,"  I played it off by saying who and he said mine but I didn't feel like talking about my birthday and said how my birthday was in December but he went along with it asking me what my sign was and that I shouldn't be mad if my birthday is celebrated in December then.  So Ben does remember my birthday but like I said, I didn't want to think or talk about it.  He told me how the picture he sent me was from a indoor soccer game that he went to with a friend that I met from the wedding.  I didn't know there was an indoor league soccer team nearby.  He also did say that his mom thought I was pretty and then we just talked about school and work and then called it a night.  I feel better now and woke up feeling relaxed and my phone didn't go off to sub this morning.  It didn't rain that hard while driving to work so that was another plus.  Hopefully tomorrow is a good day too.     
 

Broken on the Inside and Out

I'm feeling depressed right now, well actually I have been feeling like this all weekend long.  I really miss Ben but he seems distance lately, especially since I met his mom.  I understand that he's really busy, especially since he's taking 22 units this fall, but still, he seems more distance then usually.  I'll text him something like "I miss you," or send him a heart and sometimes he'll respond and sometimes he won't.  Some days I wait to send him a message until he does but then a day or two passes before he sends me a message or if I do, it's to break the silence.  Saturday he sent me a picture of a soccer game at 6:29, I saw it at 6:49 but decided to wait till I got home from the gym to send a message because I was a little hurt.  I was hurt because he's out somewhere and I feel like he just schedules me in every couple of weeks whenever it's convenient for him but yet he's always out with other people.  I wonder who he went to this soccer game, (I'm assuming it was a game) with?  So after I came home from the gym and settled in I sent him a message 10:20 PM which said, "Oh cool, where's that at?" and I haven't heard back from him.  I wonder if I di something wrong.  Does his mom disapprove of me and is avoiding me because of it.  I don't know and it's driving me nuts.  I don't feel like subbing  because I know I won't be able to stay concentrated on my assignment and I would also be tempted to look at my phone,  hoping to hear from Ben.  Depending where I sub, seeing couples would also break my heart.  I'm tired of putting of subbing but I know I'll be sad, especially if I don't hear from Ben and it will show on my face.  :/  It might also rain tomorrow, so driving in the rain gives me anxiety and if it's raining and I'm driving to place I've never been before, I get flustered and by the time I arrive I'm a big hot mess and I'll be all out of whack the rest of the day.  Hopefully Tuesday, I'll feel better to be ready to sub.

My birthday is also getting closer and I'm surprised Ben hasn't said anything about it.  It's still kind of early but still I'm surprised he hasn't said anything about it, like where do I want to go or eat or what do I want.  So at this point right now, I'm still deciding if Ben does decide call me at midnight on my birthday, I don't know if I want to answer it or not.  This distance between us is starting to eat me up inside.  I don't know what to do and there's a million questions going through my mind like "Does he even like me?  Did I do something wrong?  Did he meet someone else?  Does his mom not like me?  Does he want to see other people?  Is he seeing other people?"  I don't know?!  I truly do not know and my eyes are getting watery just thinking about it :'(          

Day Off

10/23/13

I met Ben's mother yesterday.  It was an accidental meeting.  It was very quick but I still met her and I got to see what she looked like in person.  I felt bad that I came as she was leaving for her work.  She offered me juice and apologized if her hands were cold when we shook hands.  Had I know she was going to be home, I would of taken off my work shirt and at least look a little more presentable.  I just wanted to stop by at Ben's house and say hi quickly before I went to work.  I asked Ben about school and he told me how it was good but stressful and a lot of work.  I wished I could of stayed a little longer but I needed to drive back to work.  It sucked driving to work.  I got stopped at almost every red light or stuck behind a slow car.  However, I managed to clock in on time.  I was sad when I had to leave Ben's house because I know I won't see him to who knows when and part of the reason why I stopped for a very quick visit.  As me and Ben were talking during my visit I told him how I was going to stop by campus after work to return the library books and how he should visit me quickly.  I was kidding because I know he's in class and can't afford to miss and/or ditch classes and even if he gets a break, it's one of those 10 to 15 minute breaks.  So with that in mind, I know we probably won't be spending my birthday together, which makes me sad.  I just want a nice birthday for once, but it looks like it won't be happening this year.  He'll be in class :( and I know he can't afford to miss class, even if he suggests it, I couldn't let him do it.        

I didn't have work today which was nice.  I could have subbed today but didn't.  I feel bad that I haven't but when I do see an opening, I either have to study or somewhere I'm not familiar with the location.  When I am driving and I don't know where I am going, I stress out very easily and get overwhelmed and then really lost.  Also, my main work would overlap so I would have to call in for a sub even though I would make more money subbing but I need to get ready ahead of time!  I never have clothes or my stuff ready so I need to make a mental note of that.  So this weekend, I'm going to get ready to work.  I need to find a full-time job with benefits because soon I will no longer be insured and then I will be screwed.

Today, I found out another person I know is engaged.  Everyone around me is either getting married or having a baby.  As for me, I am still living at home working a part-time job.  I always picture myself by this time being married and having a child but then as I realized how my love life was, I settled for at least being engaged or if I was single, I was working on my masters in anthropology or working in the field of anthropology where I would meet my Indiana Jones/Josh Bernstein soul mate and we would get married and travel the world together and go on crazy adventures while making historical finds.  But the reality is, I'm not married nor am I doing anything anthropology related :/  I don't even the status of what Ben and me are and I would like my parents to know who is and eventually meet him but we still haven't DTR.  Also, I can't even afford to move out and then elope at Vegas.  I need a better job so I can get closer to my dreams.  I did find some universities that offered online master degree programs in anthropology but nothing in California so far.  I saw one that I liked in Texas but you had to report to class at the being of the semester for orientation and then the end of the semester for a presentation.  I am thinking about, maybe I can work something out with the university, like driving out to Texas at the end of the semester to at least present.  The drive to Texas would be worth, even it had to be twice a semester, it would be worth it because I'm doing something in anthropology and it might help me get into a field school and open more doors to a part-time anthro job or even intern.  Though my parents wouldn't be to happy about the internship unless it paid but I doubt it because they want me to have a career by now and a job that offers everything from benefits to retirement plans, etc.

Date Night....Finally

Last night I finally had date night with Ben.  I wished I would have met his parents and apparently I just missed them by seconds.  When I came, they had just came too but somehow I just missed them.  Probably if I had parked closer to Ben's house I would of seen them.  We went to a pub to eat,  the lobster sandwich was amazing and the Dodgers won.  The night would of ended better if I would have know what are relationship status was.  I waited for him to bring it up or refer to me as his "girlfriend" but nope.  I need to find a way to ask him or bring it up, ugh!!!  How hard is it to DTR!?  

Sad :(

10/3/13

I'm still sad since I found out Ben's schedule for the fall.  It just bums me that we won't be spending Halloween and my birthday together.  I will be spending them alone as usual. :/  Since Ben texted me his schedule it has been hard for me to text him back.  The day he texted me his schedule we were messaging back and fourth until I asked about his schedule.  I didn't have much to say after it and for once I didn't know what too say.  Usually I have so much to tell him but lately no.  He texted me an hour later that said "I miss you," but by then I was asleep and didn't see the message till 3 AM.  Tuesday he sent me a heart and I texted him the same and that was all I heard from until Tuesday.  He sent me a message that said "I miss you" but I was dead asleep and didn't responded "I miss you" at 1:33 AM.  Yesterday, I wasn't going to send him any messages until he sent me one but there was a fire nearby and I sent him pictures of the fire but I didn't hear from him till 10:19 PM.  He sent me a message that said "I love you."  I thought about waiting a while to respond but hoping to hear from him, I sent him a heart but haven't heard back from him since.  It sucks that now I can't really talk to him throughout the day.  If I send him a message, I know I won 't hear from him till after 9 or 10 PM, if even.  I'm just heart broken and sad now, I feel so alone.  I'm not mad a Ben.  He's doing something with his life so he can have a better future and hopefully with me in it.   

A Little Heart Broken

Last night when I was texting Ben, it broke my heart in a way.  He asked me how my day was and I told him how work was a little crazy because my partner was out sick for the day and there was no help available since they were short on staff.  He told me how he had a long day and how he worked in the morning and then had class right afterwards.  His work is like my second job that I still need to do.  I still worry that one of these days I'm going to get a letter, email or phone call how I didn't meet their minimum requirements and have been terminated.  He told me his schedule for school this fall, which is M-Th 3-9 and 4-8.  This broke my heart because it meant that we would probably not spend Halloween together again.  Last year we were suppose to spend Halloween together but he never invited me out.  He told me how I should be Sailor Moon when I asked him what I should be out of the choices I had in mind.  He was suppose to be Tuxedo Mask and I even watch like 3 seasons of Sailor Moon to brush up on my Sailor Moon knowledge.  He was never Tuxedo Mask so I was a Sailor Moon left without her Tuxedo Mask.  I now know how Sailor Moon felt when Damien/Tuxedo Mask broke up with her, even though it was to protect her and a result from being brainwashed.  Still, it would be nice to spend a holiday with him.  This year, I have a cute Glinda costume but it looks like I won't be wearing it this year :( since he has class so late.  It also looks like we won't be doing anything on my birthday either. :/  He'll be in class on my birthday unless he decides he doesn't want to go but I rather he went to class.  I'm not big on birthdays.  It bugs me how people are phony and fake nice on your birthday.  People should be nice and want to do things for you any day of the year, and not just your birthday.  Also, it bugs me when people I haven't talked to and seen in awhile want me to spend my birthday with them.  Like I said before, you should want to spend time with me and want to do things for/with me throughout  the year and not just my birthday.  I don't mind you wishing me a happy birthday but when you want me to spend MY birthday with you, then we have a problem.  However, knowing Ben, he'll call me at midnight (he did on my last birthday) and think it's so original, thoughtful and sweet (even though I could care less and to me, calling someone at midnight on their birthday is a little lame and unoriginal).  He'll then want to make it up to me if he has class by doing something the next day or next week.  However, he has said that to me before with date night, like the Banquet and Wedding for example, he said we would have date night the next week and no shocker we never did.  So my birthday will once again be a disappointment like always.  I'll probably just go to work and maybe just treat myself to a shopping spree afterwards.  It's not worth taking a day off if I'm not going to do anything on my birthday expect sit at home bored while my parents, especially my mom, say they are going to take me to sushi restaurant since that is my favorite food and then change the restaurant to accommodate the rest of the family who doesn't like it and then at the last minute not end up going anywhere.  Not wanting to repeat this again, I would rather just take off early in the morning and  go for a nice run and then get ready for work and go to work because I might as well earn money if my birthday is going to be a bust and then after work, just treat myself to a shopping spree  and to me, that would be a nice birthday this year.                

Getting Over It

9/30/13

So I ended up texting Ben the other night.  I need to stop  holding grudges over the dumbest things.  The next day he tested me in the morning telling me how he woke up with a soar throat and how he was suppose to go furniture shopping with his mom but had to cancel.  As a joke I sent him a message that I gave him mono even though I haven't seen and kissed him since the last time we had date night.  He responded to how it was okay and he only wanted mono from me.  But then I sent him a message how someone else  could have given him mono because for all I know he could of gone to the fair with someone else and I don't know what he does when I'm not there.  He responded with how he gets sick and the beginning of the free quarter always and that I'm the only girl he's kissed in a very long time.  I wonder when and who was the last girl kissed.  I know for me it was with my ex.  I'm sure if I had really tried I could have kissed more guys and gone out with more guys and even had a boyfriend or boyfriends but then again that's not really my style.  In a way, I just needed to find myself after the horrible breakup with my ex.  And some of the benefits that I learned from being single is how I can talk to whoever and not feel guilty.  I can do whatever I want and whenever.  And I got to meet more people, especially more guys on Thursday nights at the gym.  Weekends at the gym, especially Saturdays, I got to meet some weird guys.  Besides Thursday night at the gym, Sunday night is a good night to meet more people. I try to go the gym whenever I can now but school and work make me so tired now.  I need to start a schedule again and get back into the shape that I was in and start lifting again. 

Every 2 Weeks

I'm a really hurt and a little pissed off at Ben right now.  I'm ignoring his messages right now.  He's sent me 4 so far.  I'm probably overacting but then again I think I have every right to be mad at him.  So on Tuesday Ben was working and I asked how work was and he never told me but then I got a message saying how Ben updated his status on social media and I immediately got excited thinking he changed his status but then I saw it was just his status and not relationship status :/  It made me a little mad seeing his status because his status was about work and when I asked him about work earlier that day he never responded.  Wednesday and Thursday passed and I still waited for him to bring up the fair since he did mention it the last time we went out how we should go but still nothing.  I'm glad I didn't print out the free ticket because that would have been a waste of ink.  Friday came and he did text me and we did have a conversation, which we hadn't done so in a while.  He told me how he went to a fundraiser and who he saw and stuff like.  I wonder if people asked for me and what are status is and if they did what he said.  I was a little hurt because it would have been nice to be invited.  Technically I was but it would have been nice to be invited by Ben.  So I waited for him to bring up the fair and he never did so I thought maybe he would later.  So when I woke up this morning I was looking forward to going to the fair with Ben.  Even if we didn't go to the fair, I wouldn't mind just doing something with him, like watching a movie or going for a walk.  I sent him a cute picture as a hint that I wanted to see him but two hours went by before he sent me a message.  By then, I was pissed off and hurt and have been ignoring him since.  Watching A Cinderella Story and listening to Simple Plan's Jet Lag is making me miss him and mad at him at the same time.  I understand he is busy and has his bro nights and wants to spend time with his friends but however it makes me a little mad and hurt when he hangs out with other people all the time and with me just whenever he can fit me in his schedule.  Seriously, it seems like we only go out every 2 to 3 weeks.  Now that he is starting school again maybe it's going to be once a month, if even.  I don't know if I want to respond back to Ben's messages.  I told myself I would after 10 but now I feel like just ignoring him for the rest of the night.

7:21PM
Ben: Aww those are my favorite! How are you?
(Really pissed off at you, that's how I feel!!!)
 
Ben: And I need U too lol
(Really?! Sure doesn't seem that way.  Maybe u just need me to show me off just like every other guy I know!)

7:37 PM
Ben: I ended up not going to the fair, it was too expensive even with the free ticket :(
(So u did remember.  I don't believe that you weren't there but whatever bc at this point I'm really pissed off at you.  Were you even going to  invite me?  And how would you know that it was expensive hhmm???  You went to another fair this summer and with a girl too you jerk!  I think he only sent me this message since I put on my social media page today "Convenient....??????")

8:24 PM
Ben: What are you up to?
(Why do you care? I waited all day for you to invite me out and you never did.  What, you have no one else to hang out with or you just want to me sure that I'm not out with anyone else?)




  

Downtown with Ben

Friday I had date night with Ben in downtown.  I had an outfit planned but didn't wear it because 1. I was having a bad hair day 2.  Worked was horrible and stayed longer they expected 3.  Which caused me not to have time to at least try to fix my hair :/  but that's OK, I feel comfortable enough with Ben to where I don't have to worry all the time what I look like.  I did have time to change so that was okay.  I met him at his house since it was close to my work.  I felt bad because I didn't meet his parents but he ensured me that it was okay and that they would probably prefer an earlier time and the heads up so they can feel presentable, especially his mom he said.  I understand because I feel the same way, I didn't feel presentable because of my hair.  At downtown, we went to a fancy Italian restaurant in my opinion.  It was nice.  I love hanging out with Ben because I feel like I can be me with him, he's always a gentleman and he always takes me to different places.  While at the restaurant, we were looking at this survey card and it asked why we choose this placed and Ben asked what would I say, and I jokingly said I was forced to come.  I saw that he looked a little hurt and was probably hoping that I would say something like "My boyfriend wanted to take me somewhere nice,"  I wanted to but I was nervous to refer Ben as my boyfriend since we haven't had the "DTR talk." One of these days, I'm going to work up the courage to have the "DTR talk."    However, are date night was cut short because he wasn't feeling well and I too wasn't feeling well in the restaurant but didn't say anything. 

 I don't know how I'm going to introduce him to my parents, I'm scared.  I don't have that type of relationship with my family and I'm a really private person too.  He's starting school this Thursday and he's taking 22 units so he'll be super busy and I'll be working soon and balancing that with my online class.  I'm a little bum because we'll be busy :/ but hopefully we'll have more date nights.  He did invite me to the fair next week, so hopefully, I can go.  I need to check to see if I have anything due that day and if I do, do it ahead, asap!  

Forgotten Past

I've been pretty much cleaning my room all day and while cleaning my room I found things from my past, meaning my ex boyfriend.  I always think when I find something linked to my ex boyfriend that those things will be the last connection to him but nope, I find things in the oddest places and wonder why I even saved it to being with and how much things I have left to discover.  While cleaning my closet I found a bag that had a picture frame that I decorated that I had planned to give my ex but never did.  I knew I still had this picture frame because I plan on one day of having a burning ceremony where I burn my "Ex Box."  My "Ex Box" is a box that has things of my ex that I plan to burn one of these days.  I could just throw it away but to me burning it has more meaning to me, it's like a Phoenix, where I rise from the ashes and become a new me because that's what I have been trying to do since we broke up and it's been six years, I know that is sad and pathetic but he was a jerk and destroyed me.  He would say sh** about me after we broke up and call me to make it seem like we would get back together but really he just wanted something from me, like letters of recommendation.  So afterwards, I just avoided guys because I was afraid of getting hurt and that all guys where the same but slowly over the years I have been putting my guards down and now I am so blessed to have Ben in my life.  Anyways, in this bag, there was a Christmas card with his name and it was sealed.  I wonder what I had wrote, I could have opened it but I don't want to revisit that past.  I'll leave that to future archaeologist to open it and read it. I tossed it because I don't wanted to be tempted to read it if I put it in the box.  That card caught me off guard but I'm just glad I'm getting rid of things that remind me of him and making progress cleaning my room.

Another thing I found while cleaning my room was a receipt from a restaurant dated 9/20/07.  I can't believe that was 6 years ago even though it doesn't seem like it.  I remember this day, I went and grabbed some food with some guy whose family HATES me now, and no joke, I think hate is an understatement.  I was surprised I even kept it and never noticed it before.  I also found a piece of paper with this guy's number and I remember when he gave it to me, the way he did it was cute.  I tried to hit him up after I become single but he wanted nothing to do with me so now when he tries to hit me up, I do the same thing, blunt to his messages like when he wants to hang and know when I am free.  Now that I think about it, I haven't heard from him in a while and that's fine with me.  2007 was quite the year for me as I found things from that time of my life.  I'm just glad I'm making progress with my room and putting that terrible past behind me.

This guy also texts me wanted to hang today.  I feel  bad because he isn't from here and I do want to hang but he kind of lives far but also I don't know if I'm just a joke that he will talk about later since he's in that circle with my ex.  Does he think I am a booty call?  Is he genuinely interested?  Am I just a prize?  Sadly, these are just some of the questions that I always think because that's how insecure I still sometimes after my ex and that was 6 years ago. :/  Even with Ben, I still feel insecure and think he'll leave me for someone else like my ex.   

A lil Worried

Still haven't picked up an assignment for my second job yet. :/ I'm worried I'll be terminated as they say at the second job.  There was one for today but the drive was out of my comfort zone and the gas price probably wouldn't be worth the pay.  I looked today to see if there was any but the website was down, just my luck.  And to make matters worse, I won't be able to work Thursday and Friday  because I have training and meetings for my first job.  Maybe it is a sign that I have been looking for telling me to pursue something else, like my true passion, anthropology.

I tried last night looking up government jobs by no surprise I lacked the usual, experience and knowledge.  So then I looked up entry level jobs with little experience and entry level jobs for recent college grads and I pretty much just got all sale rep jobs, which I would be horrible at, my communication skills lack and trying to convince someone to buy something is something I couldn't ever do to save my life.  So for now I am still determine for an anthropology job and praying that my second job doesn't terminate yet.  I think I'm going to start praying to St. Cajetan.  I started praying to him after months of not finding a job and after praying to him for a week, I landed my first job.  Even though it is a part time, I was just happy to start working so I can expand my resume and it happened to be near Ben too, which was an additional plus.  Hopefully, I can find a job so Ben and I can have a secure future together.      

"F" for Failure

Wednesday, 9/11/13

I feel like a failure with a capital “F.”  Someone else I know just got married.  I always imagined that I would be married and have at least one child by now.  As the years went by while I was in college and I realized that my love life was virtually none existing, I at least hoped to be engaged by this time in my life but nope.  I at least have someone in my life right now and last night as we were talking we somehow ended up talking about stuff animals and he was showing me a Beanie Baby that he said would help pay for my ring. I thought that was sweet and adorable but unfortunately Beanie Babies are not worth that much due to inflation.  Still, I would be happy if he asked me without a ring, I would rather the ring be spent towards a home for us or just the official wedding bands.  I wish we could be married now but realistically we are both not financially stable.  Ben is still taking classes towards becoming a teacher so when does become a teacher he won’t be making that much and my first job doesn’t pay that well to live off of.  My other job, I fear I will be terminated soon since you are supposed to work at least 3xs a month and I haven’t worked so far.  There was a job available for tomorrow and it was kind of close but I am not emotionally ready to work tomorrow.  I’ve been really sleepy lately, partly due to the medication I was taking for my respiratory infection and also I just want to continue making progress on cleaning my room and start my homework that is due on Friday. I also put down that I am not available on Thursday since my other job has a different start time on Thursdays and also my online class usually has things due on Thursdays too. I can check job opening starting at 5AM but I have been really tired and this is the first week that I have been able to breathe since I had a respiratory infection.  My permit for my second job expires in November and if I get terminated then I really will be limited on jobs that I can pursue.  My parents pointed out earlier this week that I need a job that makes 40k and has benefits like health and retirement.  The jobs they suggested I have no desire whatsoever but deep down inside I still long to work in the anthropology field but of course I can’t tell my parent that because they just care about money, until me, I care about doing and working in something that I am passionate about.  They claim that they will help me pay for my schooling if I want to be a teacher like Ben but I don’t and plus I don’t trust my parents to actually keep their word on paying.  They keep forcing this job on me and it is making me every time not considering it more and more.  I do want to go back to school but for masters in anthropology, my heart belongs to anthropology.  I do have a family member that works at a university as a janitor for a lab.  I am considering applying to a job like that so I can go to that school and pay for my master’s program/graduate school.  I wouldn’t care if I had to clean dirty bathrooms as long as I was pursuing something I loved.  I’m more motivated when I am pursuing something I want, I think if I went to the teacher program, it would be hard because I am terrified of speeches and it’s a lot of work and I stress really easily and have no support at home.  I’d rather put that time and energy into an anthropology master’s program. So for now, I feel like a failure and still don’t know what I’m going to do with my life, the clock is ticking for me.  I really want a better job that makes me happy and that can help support a future for Ben and me. 

Couldn't Ask

Last Thursday I spent the afternoon and evening with Ben.  He wanted to see me before he went camping for the weekend.  He also wanted me to help him pick out vests for work.  I can't believe just around this time last year I had actually went on a blind date with someone that I had met online.  I'm glad I didn't get catfish and the person turned out to be cool but timing was just off.  He always invited me to places things last minute and late when I would be in my pajamas or he wanted me to hang with his friends too.  I wouldn't have mind meeting his friends once I had more time getting to know him one-on-one because I'm really shy at first so I could only imagine how super shy I would have been around him and his friends.  He probably hates me by now but I wish him all the best.  Also, I was still trying to figure out my feelings for Ben.  I feel like Ben is the one for me and I love how he treats me and makes me feel.  Well getting back to last Thursday, so we hung out at the mall and afterwards we went to grab something to eat.  He actually was going to introduced me to his parents but his mom wasn't home and also my nose was super congested.  So it probably would have been a little embarrassing for me to meet Ben's parents for the first time and talking to them with a stuffy nose.  So we went to our spot to eat and talk.  It was nice talking and seeing the city below.  I just wished I didn't have a stuffy noise.  I loved it when we would walk around and he would pick me up and carry me over parts because I was wearing sandals and didn't want to fall.  I just loved being in his arms. I thought may be he would ask me to be his girlfriend officially or we would be talking normally and he would refer to me as my boyfriend or his girlfriend. and then I could bring it up but he didn't.  On the way back home I tried to work up the courage to bring up the "DTR Talk," but I would get scared.  I even tried to drop hints like talking about how our wedding would be like or bringing up his friends from the wedding and asked if they were still single in 3s.  That didn't work, I was trying to drop hints with these topics but they didn't work and I was hard to understand with my stuffy nose.  I thought about asking him straight out but I still want the romantic asking me to be his girlfriend and plus my nose was stuffy so it was hard to understand what I was trying to say and if I was going to ask, I didn't want to ask with my stuffy nose.  So I just eventually let it go.  I was sad when he dropped me off because I knew I wouldn't hear from him until he got back from camping and I was sad that I couldn't DTR.  I know if I asked he would say something like "Yes, your my girlfriend, I just couldn't find the right way to ask because I've been hurt in the past and I'm never good at stuff like that" (like Valentine's Day, when he wanted to ask me but couldn't find the right words), so I imagine he would say something like that.  I know we our a couple but still for all I know we could be casual dating or even worse, friends with benefits.  I couldn't stop thinking of Ben all this weekend, I was just so happy with him at our spot on Thursday.  I went to a fair and thought of Ben.  Everything reminded me of Ben, maybe we will go together one of these days.  I went to a wedding on Sunday.  It reminded me of how Ben invited me to a wedding.  During the wedding, the minister said how you marry your best friend and I thought about, and Ben is my best friend.  I can tell him anything and he respects what I say and I can be me around him.  Maybe wedding bells will be in the near future for us.

Your Boyfriend

Last  night, well more like this morning, Ben and I were Face Timing and while we were talking he said how he was my boyfriend during the conversation. My heart melted. Still I wish he would ask me in person and make it official but that's guys for you. So I'm pretty sure he introduced me as his girlfriend when we went to the movies but probably the "girl" part got drowned out from the outside noise because it was kind of loud outside the theater.  Ben invited me to one of his friends from the weddings birthday party, so hopefully I can go.  For now, I will continuing wondering how to get Ben to ask me to be his girlfriend officially.     

Status: It's Complicated...Still :/

Right now Ben is camping and I miss him.  We got to hang out on Saturday and I got to meet more of his friends.  I hadn't seen him since he invited me to a wedding and where I also met more of his friends.  At the wedding he either introduced me as his "lady friend" or by my name.  Idk if his friends think I'm his gf or not. I know he did once show some of his friends a picture of me and told them that this was the person he was seeing.  Idk if these were the friends though but I did find it funny how this group of friends they are either single or in a relationship in threes.  So Ben and I  now made the third part of the relationship and one of his friends was recently single and now made the third person to be single.  He also went to a party and was telling people all about me, his girlfriend.  I'm pretty sure his friends at the wedding thought I was his girlfriend but I'm not sure about the friends he introduced me to on Saturday.  It was a little embarrassing that everyone was dressed up except me. :/ I thought it was going to be a casual night so I decided to save my nice clothes for another night.  He did make efforts to hold my hand and stand close to me whenever, so maybe.  However, he did introduced me as his friend but maybe he said girlfriend but couldn't hear because there was a lot of people outside the movie theater, so maybe.  I wanted to ask him after the movies but didn't know how to bring it up.  I know I can talk to him about anything but I don't know how to ask.  I looked up some ideas but I'm still a little nervous on how to bring up "DTR." I think it also has to do with my past relationship and how that relationship just destroyed me in every way possible.  I know Ben is nothing like my ex but the wounds of my past remain as scars but most have faded now but some still show but are gradually fading.  Also, another part of me is old-fashioned and want that romantic way of being asked to be Ben's girlfriend officially.  He claims to be a romantic but yet he hasn't asked me to be his gf officially.  I know we are unofficially a couple but still, it would be sweet to be asked to be his gf and celebrate anniversaries.     

Back to normal

Things are finally getting back to normal now.  The last couple of weeks have been cra-cra (especially with school, work and Ben) but I survived.  Last week was especially hard since it was the last week of school for me so pretty much everything was due and of course I have to wait to the last day to start and finish assignments.  Taking two classes was def a challenge but I managed while working but I did have to sacrifice my social life in the process and my running and gym time but next time I am going to try to do things ahead of time especially when my fall class starts bc I'll be working more so its going to be hard to balance work and school.  And why is it every time I am super busy, like last week, ppl then decided to hit me up and want to  hang but when I'm free, nada! It has to be a sign to stop procrastinating on assignments. I'm only taking one class this time bc I just want to be able to focus on one class while working plus in the fall/winter there's a lot to due especially with all the different holidays.  I also want more time to be with Ben even though he's going to be super busy and I want to stay on track with running and working out at the gym.  I am however glad I was able to get into a class since community colleges are so impacted these days even though it wasn't the first choice of class I wanted but I'm glad I got in.  It's still a class I need towards a permit/certificate.  The other class I could have waited listed but decided not to bc I think one class is enough. I just hope next time I can get in the class or at least get waited listed, hopefully I'm not making a mistake by not waiting list and only taking one class this term.  Hopefully prices don't go up for units too!  I am glad online classes let me work and take the classes at my time, hopefully I am able to get all the online classes towards my permit/certificate.  For now, I'm just going to enjoy the rest of summer and delay checking the status of my finally grades bc I just want a break and enjoy life while I can and not dwell if I didn't do go.    

Status: Gf ...??? and Comic Con

Last night I was talking to Ben before he left for Comic Con with his friends.  He goes every year with his friends so it's like a guy thing.  Not that I would mind being invited but I understand.  Plus I have homework to do.  He was telling me about his last day of work since he too got another job.  He said someone was asking him about Comic Con and asked him if he was bringing his girlfriend he said no but told his coworker how I wanted a picture of the Teen Wolf cast. Aw, he remembered.  He also said girlfriend so I guess I am his girlfriend.  I just wish he would tell/ask me in person to make it official but I am happy with my status.    

Finally DTR???

Things are finally starting to turn around for me.  Going back to school so maybe this will help with getting an anthropology job.  I think I got another job, I'll find out next week, so yeah :) And finally,  Ben finally DTR...kind of.  I was talking to Ben on Sunday and he was telling me about his day and how he was at party and ran into someone he went to high school with. Ben was telling me how was talking about me and how he likes to talk about me to his friends since I am his special someone and practically his girlfriend.  I was shocked, stunned, happy, excited all in one since he called me his girlfriend, minus the practically part.  However, when you translate guy code it means I am his girlfriend fosho.  I said he was my special someone too but didn't say boyfriend because I am old-fashioned and want to say it in person in a romantic setting ideally so we can officially say we are a couple.  Since he called me his girlfriend, good things have been happening, I've been doing my homework early this week, staying on track for running and got another job ( I think, Idk what it meant by applicant but it did start off with Welcome, so yes I have a new job?)  If luck is what Ben brings me besides the love and care support he gives me, then I can't wait to see what the future has in store for us! :) ... Maybe he is the one <3

Three in a Row :(

I was just checking my e-mails and saw an e-mail from the district where I took my test on Friday and it informed me that I did not receive a passing score on the test. I could feels my eyes flooding and tears running down my checks, even now they are getting watery.  I didn't think I did that bad but apparently I did and then to add lemon juice to my wound I saw another e-mail from a different district where I had applied for a position saying in the subject header "Application Not Selected," so I already knew what to expect when I opened the e-mail.  The person who sent this e-mail said there was a large pool of candidates (I wonder if this is really true or not or it's just to ease the pain) and that my application was not selected to proceed in the hiring process.  The individual was not part of the screening process and that they didn't know "the particular reason [my] application was not selected to proceed in the hiring process.  We are not allowed to divulge the reason you were not selected."  I'll tell you why they won't tell me because of liability!!!

UUUUGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! I am so tired of this rejection!!!! :(   I know it's part of life but it still hurts and lowers my self-esteem!!!

Where You Rank

I had a pre employment test on Friday and I was nervous as always because I didn't know how many questions it was going to be and what they were going to ask.  I was informed that the test would be 30 minutes long and there was only 30 questions so it wasn't that bad.  It went a lot better then expected and I finished my test at a reasonable time but took advantage of the extra time I had and went over the questions that I wasn't sure about again.  We were told that we would be scored by how we did on the test and then the interview which would be in about 2 weeks.  Great, being scored on how we interview, they might as well just place me on the bottom :/  Hopefully, I can stay calm and relax for this interview (assuming I passed the first part which was the test).  I think that was my problem in the other interview that I had- I didn't stay calm and relax and just let myself breath and process the questions. I give props to the peoples who compete in pageants and have to answer whatever their interview question is which they have to be prepared and well rounded in to answer, at least with mine, it's work related and I have a general idea what they might ask. It's kind of funny that it's easy for me to express myself with pen and paper but with words...hhhhmmm...I could use some work.  I wish I had the speaking ability of Ben then I would have no problems with interviews whatsoever.  So after the test and interview, you are ranked from highest to lowest and the top three will be assigned for sure and then as openings become available they could down the ranking list. So hopefully I am up there, I don't expect to be at the top but being close will do.  Only time will tell for now. 

Blew It Yet Again :(

I had a job interview on May 29th for a substitute position which is what I am trying to get in the meantime while I still pursue an anthropology job.  I was glad I had made it to interview selection instead of the typical process of applying online and nvr hearing anything back.  It was also a way to redeem myself for the sub position interview that I blew by showing up late.  They only asked 5 questions and I was nervous since this has been only the 4th job interview I had been on ever.  Leaving the interview, I could just tell I blew it but still remain a lil hopefully and it didn't help that later after the interview when I was checking my e-mail that I had heard back from that anthropology job I had applied to like 2 months ago saying that they found a more suitable applicant for the position and blah blah blah. I already knew I didn't get that position when I checked my account a few weeks later even though they finally replied to me 2 months later.  Anyways, today I saw that I had some letters and one of them was from the district where I had my interview and it informed me that I did not not get the job :( It was nice that they actually hand signed the letter and the polite thing would be to send a thank you e-mail/letter thanking them for letting me be interview but I'm not.  Rejection hurts and I would like to forget that I applied and interview there.  I feel like nothing is going right for me and I just want a break in life.  It's bad enough I am not working in the anthropology job but that I still can't get a substitute position almost a year after I received my permit and I am getting worried I might never will and my permit expires in a couple of months too and Idk if I will be able to renew it w/o working...sigh... :/

Secret Admirer???

Checking my emails, and going through my Spam ones as well I noticed an email that said in the subject area that someone from the college I went to invited me to join datemyschool.com.  At first I thought it was one of those weird annoying spam messages I get from time to time from single and lonely and view singles in your area and blah blah blah.  What stood out to me was that it knew what school I went to.  I googled the site and it turns out it is a legit site.  You can set up dates from people at your school and you have the option of being invisible or not in your department. So basically if I made an account, I would be invisible to all the people in my department major and I would be able to meet people from other departments.  It seems like something I would do if I was still in school, even though you can register as an alumni through your school and also Ben and I are almost a couple.  It seems better then the dating site I joined for a project and a lot easier and convenient to meet people since people often meet each other for a "date" somewhere on campus.  It's also just for college students, which is a plus, and you don't really have to worry about being rejected and recognized (which is something I experienced a couple times).  However, the anthropologist in me wants to check it out because it is part of the reason why I am writing and I would be exploring the world around me through an anthropological aspect through the web.  It makes me wonder if I do have at secret admirer out there, if Ben is testing me or not, or if the school was invited to join the site and sent everyone (students and alumnis) an e-mail.     

Status: It's Complicated

Last night I talked to Ben and we were talking about how we met and how it would make a funny story to tell people. While we were talking he said, "You can tell people you met your boyfriend..." I didn't say anything but I wish I did because he was actually calling himself my boyfriend. Maybe the next time I see him in person I will mention something.  I thought he was going to officially make us an "official couple" at the annual banquet on May 24th because he wanted me to go and show me off to everyone in the department and he said it was going to be our "coming out" party. He never DTR and someone even asked him how long we had been going out and he said it's a long story.  It didn't matter however since I really didn't get to spend that much time with him since he was running the event and had to be everywhere.  I was hoping to spend time with at the end of the banquet since I was dressed up but he wanted to go to an after party bc he wanted to say his last goodbyes and hang out with ppl which he might not see again, which I understood, he wanted me to come too but I declined since I wanted to wake up early and get something done.  He said he would make it up to me and we would have date night the nxt week but we nvr did. I was mad and even ignored his messages at first but then decided to not to ignore, knowing that usually backfires on me. I haven't seen him since the banquet and still a little hurt since from time to time he tells me how he hung out with friends and what they did but I can't say anything because it's finals time and I don't want to distract him.  He did say that we would have the summer to hang out and to ourselves but IDK, actions speak louder then words.  I just don't want it to be like last summer where I nvr saw him once!  Only time will tell when we will have an other date night and DTR.       

No Progress

8:09 PM 5/20 I still haven’t made any progress in my quest to find a job in the anthropology field, which is my dream. Even though I am working a part time, but hey, it’s rewarding, and it’s a start and a job, my heart still belongs to anthropology. I was watching Primer Impacto and they were showing in Yucatan, Mexico, a cave with Mayan pictograph hand prints. They were also animal bones and various artifacts, like a source for light. My eyes were a little watery because I wish I was doing something like that. Today, I also received my charm of a shovel pick and axe excavation which I won online. It’s to remind me to keep pushing for my dream. Even though a part of me doesn’t feel like I deserve to wear it until my goal, another part of me is telling me to wear it because I did earn a degree in anthropology and I took a field class while in school and I was quite good at pedestrian surveying. Maybe me winning this charm is a sign that I am meant to be in the anthropology community, I sure hope so!!! I was talking to one of my friends from school last week and they were telling me how they were quitting there job that week because of boredom and that Friday was there last day. He told me of job openings for a company that another classmate was applying too and he told me I should apply, even though I told him my background and qualifications in anthropology were limited. Let’s see, no field school, no internship and no volunteer experience. L He assured me that my school reports and field class would be fine, it’s all about how you sell yourself. This is true for any job. It is also something I think I lack and why I would never make a good sales person. He did offer to help me with my resume and so maybe I’ll take him up on his offer before he goes off to grad school and look into that company he mentioned. He’s going to grad school in Denmark in August for underwater (maritime) archeology, which is what I wanted to do. It’s a 2 year program, and I am really happy for him and jealous, lol, because that’s what I want to do, except I want to go to grad school in Mexico, ideally at UNAM (go Pumas), but U. of Guadalajara would do too. Maybe I should start saving my money for grad school and/or scuba diving lessons, instead of salsa lessons and stop buying things I really don’t need online, lol. I know scuba diving lessons can be expensive, but hey, if it gets me a step closer to my dream, then I’m all in. Maybe by the time my friend finishes grad school, I’ll be certified in scuba diving and I can work for him. J Just checked my email and I got an email from PADI Americas, it’s a sign! (I hope) The closes thing I ever got to scuba diving lessons was when in the summer of when I was transferring school, there was a free scuba diving class at a sports store. It was so much fun and I thought I was finally doing it, you know, becoming the anthropologist that I want to be, since I was transferring school and was starting to take more classes in anthropology to actually become an anthropologist. Almost a year after getting my degree and I am nowhere closer to working in the anthropology world and leaving my mark. L

An Impossible Dream

So I applied to an anthropology job as I mentioned during St. Patrick’s Day. I thought it was sign being Irish and praying to St. Jude and St. Cajetan for an anthropology job almost every night. I went back to indeed.com to see what new anthropology job openings there was and the same job that I applied to was posted again. I saw it as my chance to redeem myself and upload and submit my resume because I don’t think my resume was uploaded and I wanted to make my application better than it was previously. However, now I feel like I have wasted a perfectly good Saturday night now because I read other people who applied to this university for a job and read what they had to say. Many people applied over and over again and never heard back anything or saw that there application status was changed to “Alternate Applicant Selected.” I checked my status and it said the same, so I googled its meaning, which means, “If your status has been changed to alternate applicant selected, this means that we have pursued another applicant whose qualifications more closely match the requirements of the position.” Some people were upset with the status of their application because they felt that they were qualified for the job they were applying too. I wondered if I was wasting my time now reapplying. I haven’t finished my application because I want to fix my resume but I wonder if I am wasting my time now and should look elsewhere for a job in the anthropology field. I feel like my dreams of working in the anthropology field are slowing becoming an impossible dream L

See Where Things Go

Tuesday night I FaceTimed with Ben. While we were talking, he talked about going out again and how he wanted to see where things go. I was happy because I wanted him to ask me out again but being old-fashioned I waited for him to ask. I told him I was hoping he would and he said he would be stupid not to, aw! <3
However the words "wanted to see where things go," still stood out in my mind during our conversation. He said he wanted to take me out again and see where things go from there. Would he ever "DTR?" I know he can be shy around me and so am I, so I could see why he wanted to see where things go. He's been hurt in the past like me.
When we went out on our "first official date," I thought he was going "DTR" and make it official by asking me to be his girlfriend as we were saying our final goodbyes but instead he just told me how much he loved me and how much fun he had with me. This was a sweet ending to our first date even if he didn't ask me to be his girlfriend. Maybe he wanted to but got scared or maybe he wants to take his time with me and romance me and sweep me off my feet by really seeing where things go.  

Oh Thursday Night, Oh What a Night!

So my friends, Ben and I finally went on an "official date" Thursday night (3/28/13).  It was the best date I've been on. Even though a 14 year old junior high girl probably has gone out on more dates in one year then I have in my whole life, it was the best date. Ben invited me a week earlier and we picked Thursday night since he was on Spring Break and Thursday is my early day at work. Thursday morning I spent the morning loading tons of bags in my car. Some bags for work and some bags so I could get ready at the gym after work for date night. A lot of my things like perfume, makeup and jewelry were still in the tote bags from V-Day so that saved some time, lol. I chose to wear my nice light blue True Religion jeans, a sequence top and flats. He didn't tell me much expect to dress for a night on the town because it was a surprise. So I went with a casual nice look since sequence in my opinion says "night out" and "night on the town." I didn't know if we would be doing a lot of walking, so that's why I chose jeans and flats, plus my phone said it was going to be a cold night.
After work, I was excited because I didn't have work the next day so I could stay out later and sleep in, it was the beginning of my spring break (and for once it was actually in the spring and around Easter time) and of course it was my first official date with Ben. I got ready at the gym since it's near my work and where Ben lives and to same time and gas. Also, I wanted to get ready in peace without my family asking a million questions, since I rarely go out and my mom still can be a little (more like a lot) when it comes to guys and dating even at my age which is sad and embarrassing.
At the gym, I got a lot of compliments about my hair which people wanted to know how I fixed my hair. I fix my hair with a curling iron and hair spray it like it crazy. And it also helps that my hair is already curly and I have good hair genes. By the time I was finished it was around 6:20 and he was picking me up at 6:30, so it was perfect timing. Soon after I put my things in my car, he was there and he opened the door for me and we were off.
It turns out he was basing the date by what I was wearing. If I was wearing something fancy, then a fancy restaurant and if I were wearing my pjs (which I said as a joke but for some reason thought I was serious), then some dark place like movies or a restaurant so no one could see us, lol. So we ended up going to a comedy club.
I have never been to a comedy club before, even though I have been invited in the past. The comedians were all funny and we were seated in the front and Ben actually held my hand throughout the show.
After the show, we stopped and ate at Sonics which I had never had before either and afterwards we headed back to my car.
We were going to start making out but he felt a little awkward in the parking lot, which I agreed. He took me to one of his favorite spots because it was private, great view of the city and it was perfect for star gazing. His spot was perfect. It was just the two of us with the city lights in the background. It was romantic and I thought I could never feel this way about someone because usually I have my guard up since I have been hurt really badly in the past.
But like Cinderella at midnight, all things must come to an end. Before I was about to leave, I thought Ben was going to ask me to be his girlfriend but said "I Love You." Maybe he was but got shy. It was hard to leave Ben and I can't wait for our next date. Could he be the one?  
  

Luck of the Irish

Is it true that Irish are lucky and that the saying "Luck of the Irish" has some truth to it? Well for me, I believe in the luck of the Irish, being part Irish. I'm also a big fan of the R. of Ireland soccer/futbol team and we were defiantly robbed of the 2008 World Cup. Anyways, I remember 2 years ago to the date I went running on St. Patrick's Day and found a $5 dollar which I still have. People always tell me how things like finding a $5 would happen to me. I was looking at some jewelry online last night and decided to see what anthropology and archaeology jobs were open in my state on indeed.com and found many openings for teaching jobs at various colleges or archaeology openings with certain minimums of years of experience which is always typical in my job hunt for a job in the anthropology world but as I kept scrolling I found a job opening looking for anthropologists at a university for a temporary research. It was like what you see in the movies where the film is zoomed in to the job opening and rays of light are surrounding it and music of that "AAuuuwwww" (sp?) sound is playing. I finished my application today and thought maybe the luck of the Irish is with me and some saint like St. Jude and/or St. Cajetan were watching over me. Hopefully, I get it (or an interview b/c there self-assessment was long!!! It took like 20-30 minutes to finish) because if I can get a job in the anthropology world I can die happy, feel proud of myself and my hard work to get my anthropology degree was for something after all. Happy St. Patrick's Day!!! :D

Guy Code: Dating Profile Pix

Another guy code guys should follow is there dating profile and how simple/basic is key and etiquette to things such as messaging and profile picture. It annoys me when I get messages from ppl with more then one picture on their profile. Some guys will have single pictures of them which helps eliminate guessing who they are in the picture but some don't even post a single picture but instead post pictures with groups of people which I ignore b/c I 'm not going to waste my time talking to someone I don't even know what they look like even though there is a crop button where they could crop themselves so ppl like me have an idea of who they are. Also, guys who post pictures with girl annoys me too. Really now?! You expect me to message back with girls all over their pictures, even their profile. They may be just your friend but do I know that, no! For all I know they could be an ex (seen that before), a girl who is your friend that you have secretly been in love with forever but is dating another guy (or vice versa), your looking for another person to join you and your partner in some kinky thing (been message that b4) or whatever. My opinion is, no girls in your pictures please, I don't have any guys in my pictures and I don't want to wonder who are these girls and why are they in your picture/s. I once had this guy who messaged me b/c we were from the same city. Looking at his profile, this person had no pictures posted nor nothing written, just what they were looking for. I didn't messaged back but this online dating site lets you know when someone is looking at your profile so of course this person knew I was looking at their profile and messaged me back how if I wanted he could e-mail me some pixs, which creeped me out and I blocked him. Why didn't he just upload the pictures in the first place?!   Many guys always comment to me how my pictures are blurry but it doesn't bother me b/c I too am guilty of judging how people look in their pictures and what they have written on their profile. While many guys complain about how blurry my pictures are, other guys are complementing me on how I look in my pictures which I sometimes question b/c even I know my pictures aren't the best. I know a lot of guys are looking for an easy hookup or are just desperate which I am not the girl for any of those. I'm just looking to meet new people and see what happens, which is usually we talked for a while and then fizzle out. Only once did I met someone in person as you may recall.

Guy Code: Texting vs. Calling

Looking through my online dating profile and still thinking about when to deactivate it, I realize that some guys need to follow guy code. I love the show Guy Code on MTV. For example, Gio used to try to call me which was kind of creepy. I know that's what phones are for but still I prefer text. When I get comfortable with a person then I don't mind talking on the phone. I love talking to Ben on the phone and even FaceTiming him. However, Gio would call right after I would tell him I couldn't hang, which would creep me out and annoy me. It would make me not want to hang out with him even more. I also met another person from the dating site whom I will call Francisco. We text here and there and one day as I enter my room, my sister said my phone was ringing and I looked and saw his name on my missed phone call. It kind of creeped me out because I didn't know know why he called and we had just started texting too. It turns out he just wanted to talk but I still prefer texting ppl like him. Maybe one day I will talk to him on the phone. I agree with Guy Code when they said how you should invite a girl over text because calling is creepy [nowadays]. What do you prefer? Guys/girls calling you or texting you when they want to invite you somewhere.