Monday, September 1, 2014

Labor Day Weekend

My labor day weekend has been interesting.  Thursday night/early Friday morning, I Skyped with Ben.  We tried to FaceTime but it turns out I can't since I still have not updated my iOs on my phone.  Skype was also better since whenever we FaceTime I usually lose connection because of Wifi at my house and it can take forever to connect again.  He brought up the fair but I acted like I was not interested because we never go together plus there was no more $1 Labor Day admission price so I was not that egger to go to the fair this year.  He also brought up how soon we will go out.  When "soon" is, is probably another month from now.

I subbed on Friday.  I just need to sub 9 more full days to get rehired again for the next school year.  I don't want to feel stress about needing more days to sub like I did last school year but thankfully I was able to get 10 days by the end of the school year.  The school I was at was short on subs so I ended up with more kids.  The other sub who had the other half of the kids I had said to call the school district office and tell them what happened and we would get paid more.   I will def be doing that tomorrow.  More cash the better since I still need to pay for school and some store credit cards.  I thought about quitting my first job so I can sub more but after Friday, I reconsidered.  The night before I sub, I always have a hard time falling asleep and then when I get home, I am tired and crash the rest of the day.  I also don't know what is going to happen with my first job since my boss left to return to teaching.  Maybe I will only have one job soon???

Fin aid also on Friday said they will look at my appeal but I just needed another form to submit.  I will also call them on Tuesday because I am not sure what this form is.  So things are getting a little better with school (hopefully).

My prof for my Saturday class also e-mailed the class.  Class starts next Saturday.  I have a lot of reading to do so I need to print the reading material out and start that for class.  I just want a good semester so hopefully I do, even if it means little sleep.  Just like those Kaplan commercials I see on TV how you sacrifice so much for one moment, I want my moment of graduation and a master's degree!  I am mentally motivated right now, hopefully this motivation lasts the whole semester.    

I went to the gym last night too!  It is a start and hopefully I keep it up.  I want to start taking a gym class again and meet new people.  Last time I had a set gym schedule, it was great.  I had so much self-esteem.  I felt great after taking gym classes and working out and I meet new people.  It helped me get through my last year of community college after my friends left the year before so hopefully the gym can help get through my master's program this year.    

There are a lot of great Labor Day sales going on right now.  I keep telling myself I do not need this or that and I want to buy land.  However, one thing that keeps calling me is the iPad mini  at BestBuy.  It is $200 right now.  It would be nice for school but really I just want it for Ben.  I am really tempted to opening a BestBuy credit card since I would have six months to pay it off without interest.  However, opening to many store credit cards can be bad for your credit score but not having any also effects credit scores.  I already have 3 and my parents might get upset if I open another but I want it get for Ben for Christmas...sigh, what to do?!  Not having money right now stings but I can wait till Black Friday to get Christmas gifts.  Usually by now I have most of my Christmas shopping done by now but times have change.  I can always do what I use to do in the past and do my Christmas shopping at the university bookstore since finals week usually the items are on sale.  It will be like the good old days minus the student loan debt I have now.  I also do not know if Ben wants or needs an iPad mini...this is going to be a tough call.   

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Back to Work

I have picked up an assignment for subbing tomorrow.  I could of easily turned down the job and ignore all the job openings for Friday but I really need cash.  As much as I would like to sleep in and have a four day weekend and enjoy my summer break, I need $$$.  I make about $100 for a full day when everything is taken out for this and that.  That $100 is going to go fast though.  If I subbed for 30 days I would make around $3,000, which I apparently need to pay on my own according to fin aid.  I don't get fin and loans, isn't the point of loans so you back them back with interest later but yet they still want you pay.  I don't have $3,000 right now!!! That's why I'm asking for a loan!!!!!!  

Monday, August 25, 2014

Making an Effort

So Ben is kind of making an effort when it comes to us.  Though a part of me feels like it is only because I have been on FB lately.  He has been messaging me more ever since my friend's post on my wall and when I liked his new profile picture last night.  His effort is at least a start.

Aug. 23, 2014, 9:15 PM
Ben: I miss you

Aug 23, 2014 9:50PM
Me: <3
-I wasn't sure what to say since I was still pissed off about the FB pictures, so I just sent a heart.

Ben: I get paid soon so I'm ready to take you out :) It feels good to actually be making money
-I'm not holding my breath on this.  I have heard this many times how we are going to out soon but we never do.  And it is not like we need to go some where that cost money.  We can go for a hike for example. 

Aug 24, 2014, 7:01 PM
Ben: <3
         I went swimming today! (Also included a picture of him by a pool.)
-I didn't respond to this message because that text told me he was free.  He could of invited me out someone but nope.  After this, I spent some time on FB, liking and commenting on things.  I even liked his new profile picture but it was also to send a message that I do look at your profile. 

Aug. 24, 2014, 9:55 PM
Me: <3

Aug. 24, 2014,  10:38 PM
Ben: <3
        What are you doing? We should FaceTime
-I'm surprised he actually suggested this.  I can't remember the last time we FaceTime and he has work in the morning.  I wished we did but I was dead asleep and saw his messages hours later.  Besides, he has had so many chances to FaceTime me and now he decides to try.  Why not when I first came back from vacation?!

Aug. 24, 2014, 11:17 PM
Ben: I miss you

Aug. 24, 2014, 11:53 PM
Ben: I love you

Ben is showing more of an effort to me.  I also feel a little guilty that he feels he has to save money but then again he does go out with other people! He also told me that his mom broke her leg, so I do feel guilty about that.  He is probably taking care of her since she can't work and doing things for her.  I hope Ben is really being sincere and making an effort because he wants to and not because of what goes on in FB.  

Friday, August 22, 2014

Trip to the Gym

Last night after watching a movie on Netflex, I was wondering if Ben still had his FB account deactivated or not.  I logged on and saw that he had reactivated it, so I looked at his profile to see what he has been up to since he has yet to invite me out.  What I saw pissed me off, I mean really pissed me off!!! He was out last weekend according to the pictures and his friends girls were all over him.  It is like they know that I am going to see his pictures and get pissed off, well it worked! I wouldn't be mad if they were from when I was on vacation or if he at least tried to make an effort with a date night but come on, they were from last week!!! I'm so pissed off, this is pretty much the straw that broke the camels back for me.

While I was on FB one of my friends message me.  I told him how we should catch up so I can tell him about my vacation and how he should help me study for an exam I need for work and school.  It was after 10:30 when we were messaging each other so there was a good chance that Ben would see our conversation and I'm pretty sure he did since he actually texted me.  I didn't respond since I was pissed off at him and the only reason why he texted me was because I was on FB so it just felt like he was texting me out of guilt and obligation.  The text was also an answer to a text that I had sent him 26 hours earlier too!!! I wanted him to feel what I feel every time he ignores my text.  He even texted me later that night which I just responded with a heart message hours later.  He didn't even try to schedule in a date night for this weekend either which tells me he has plans already.  I'm sure I'll get to see what he does this weekend on FB too!

Aug. 20, 2014, 8:49 PM
Me: How long are you subbing for?

Aug 21, 2014, 10:47
Ben: <3
        I'm subbing for about 3 months

Aug 21, 2014, 11:17 PM
Ben: But the school is noticing me and are considering taking me on full time

Ben: If that happens I'm moving out

Aug 22, 2014, 2:54 PM
Me: <3

I'm really ticked off at Ben.  He calls me his "girlfriend" but yet he doesn't even treat me like a girlfriend.  I feel more like one of his friend girls but then again maybe not since they get to spend more time with him.  I plan on going to the gym every week to get back in shape, feel good about myself and get a nicer body.  Hopefully I can meet new friends so I have more people to talk to and hang out with.  I'm not really looking for love, just people to interact with but whatever happens, happens.  If I do end things with Ben for good, which at this point I am getting close to, I want to look damn good so he can see what he was missing whenever he blew me off. 

 I'm also trying to text that OkCupid guy less.  I'm sure he is tired of me texting him with just my problems.  I did invite him out once, but he was busy.  The other day he did ask me how many other people I text in a day which I told him I didn't know because I don't really know.  It just depends on what kind of day I am having.  Some days I will get a lot of people that will text me because they want to hang out but I feel just like a last resort when they do that though.  I asked him why and he said he was just wondering.  Kind of weird, random, and suspicious.  I haven't texted him since Wednesday after that text.  I think maybe he is tired of me texting him and never bringing up how we should hang.  I'll just wait till he texts me. 

So in a few hours, I plan on going to the gym and not bring my phone.  I won't be tempted to text the OkCupid guy and I won't be as mad when I see that Ben has never texted me with anything.  If I'm lucky, I'll meet someone new to talk to and hang out with.  Nothing romantically, or at least not yet.  I want this school year to be memorable, like my last year in community college.  And that all started with a trip to the gym, so a trip to the gym will be good for me. 

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Wasting My Time

Ben has gotten himself a long term teaching position.  I don't know what grade and for how long.  I just know it is at a high school.  I am happy for him even if it means no more summer romance for us.  Oh wait, we never really had one.  So it is safe to say I'm never going to get a whole day with him or even just a decent date.  I like to go out on weekdays when I can because their is less people but know I won't be able to now because he is working.  Even though we could tec go out at night, he would probably be to tired or busy prepping.  And then there is "Friday Night Lights" and he will want to go to the football games to show his school spirit.  And like I said before, it isn't my idea of a date night.  Freezing and sitting on a cold bench for a couple of hours, no thanks, I'll pass.  He hasn't even brought up a date night either lately so I'm bummed and pissed off about that too.  I don't even know what to do at this point.  And then their is that OkCupid guy who always wants to hang.  He always  responds to my text messages and is their when I need someone to talk to.  I send Ben the same text messages when I need someone to talk to but more then half just get ignored.  I know he can't always respond because of work but sometimes a little heart message will do.  I think I have gotten two of those since I've been back from vacation.  I can't wait around forever hoping that Ben will be the romantic he claims to be.  I think I might just be wasting my time with Ben.      

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Back to How Things Were

I've been home for a little over a week now and things are getting back to the way they were.  For starters, school drama once again.  While I was on vacation, I tried to register for classes and couldn't because I needed some type of clearance.  Every time I tried to e-mail my counselor, it kept coming back as undelivered.  When I got home, I was finally able to send an e-mail to my counselor and get cleared even though why I wasn't cleared in the first place remains a mystery.  However, all the times I wanted for my classes were closed and I was left taking a class Wednesday night and Saturday morning.  Yes, that is right, Saturday morning (fun :/).  I wouldn't mind just taking the Saturday class since that would leave me the whole week to get assignments done and read since it is a hard class but I needed another class in order to qualify for a loan and fin aid.  If I had the money, I would just take the one class, but I don't.  I don't even have money yet from fin aid or the loan since I need to write an appeal letter explaining why I dropped a class last term and my counselor needs to fill a form, which I have no clue if she has or not and I have yet to write a letter.  And payment is due next week!!! :(  Part of me wants to leave this master/teaching program and find a different one while I still wouldn't be in too much debt from this University but another part of me wants to finish it because so many people do not want me at this University to being with.  I still long and hope to get a master's degree related to anthropology and have an anthropology job.  Getting a teaching credential would help because I could be a professor and that could open the doors to an anthropology job in the far future.  Well for now, I just need a miracle for cash pronto!!!

As for Ben and I, things are still the same.  Seriously, not much has changed.  I haven't seen him since June, and that was only because I needed him for a school assignment.  We still have yet to go a date.  Nor have we had our "whole day to ourselves date" either.  I don't think we will either any time soon.  He did text me a lot the first couple of days since I got back, with messages like "I miss you" and "I want to see," but now he is back to his usual texting me whenever.  He is working at a concert venue, so I can understand him being tired all day but I'm not getting my hopes up for any type of date soon.

The annual fair is coming up also and I'm not getting my hopes up this year with going with Ben.  He crushed me but not inviting me last year like he said he would and  he crushed me even more when I saw on FB that he had gone to a different fair a month earlier with some girl.  I mean, seriously, he doesn't treat me like a girlfriend the way I thought he would.  I have never had a day to myself with him and I'm lucky if I get a date with him once a month.  All his friends seem to spend more time with him and go to these cool places with Ben when I am supposedly his girlfriend all I get is a message here and there and false hopes of a romantic date night.  There are so many places I would like to go and see and do with him if we ever had a day to ourselves.  But I know we will never have one because he only hung out with me once during winter break and that was on the last weekend so I am sure summer will be the same.  I will be super busy in the fall so date night will def not be happening.  I thought things would be different and better when I returned from vacation, but it is not.  Everything just seems to be getting worse, from school to Ben...sigh ... :/ 

Friday, July 4, 2014


So it looks like I will have a lot to think about when I go on vacation this weekend.  Ben didn't even invite me anywhere this week! He still has yet to message me a Happy 4th of July.  I sent him one and he never responded.  I bet he is out with one of his friend girls right now too! -_-  I can't even verify it now that he has deleted his account.  This is so heartbreaking for me, we have not even had one date since school got out and this was supposed to be "our summer."  I think I saw Ben more last summer and I was working and taking summer courses.  Had I know Ben was going to do this to me, I would have taken at least a summer course.  Looks like I have a lot to think about on my vacation.