Friday, July 4, 2014


So it looks like I will have a lot to think about when I go on vacation this weekend.  Ben didn't even invite me anywhere this week! He still has yet to message me a Happy 4th of July.  I sent him one and he never responded.  I bet he is out with one of his friend girls right now too! -_-  I can't even verify it now that he has deleted his account.  This is so heartbreaking for me, we have not even had one date since school got out and this was supposed to be "our summer."  I think I saw Ben more last summer and I was working and taking summer courses.  Had I know Ben was going to do this to me, I would have taken at least a summer course.  Looks like I have a lot to think about on my vacation.

Sunday, June 29, 2014

24 Hours of Surprises Part 2

I was surprised to see that my message was not from the friend I just sent a message to.  This message was actually from someone who changed my life 4 years ago.

This person I will call Omar.  Four years ago, I met Omar at the gym.  He helped me get through my last year at community college and he was the person that I had actually prayed for.  I prayed for someone to help me with my last year at community college and help me forgot about my ex.  Omar was the answer to my prays and forever grateful that he was brought into my world.  He actually inspired me to pursue my masters since he always talked about getting his.  I think at the time, I was only interested in getting my masters so we could be at the same school since I didn't get into the same school as him for my undergrad studies.  However, I was glad that I did get into the college by the gym we went to so I could still see him after school.  Unfortunately, he got another job at a gym near his house and by fall of the start of my new college, we pretty much went our separate ways.  He would message here and there and the messages got less and less as the months went by.

To this day, I still wonder if Omar ever liked me or not.  The last time I saw him in person, it was for his graduation party years ago.  I was excited because I thought this was my chance to find out if he ever liked me or not and maybe even ask him out.  I even practiced asking him out with my friends.  Sadly, when I went to his grad part, he had introduced me to his girlfriend at the time.  I had literally felt my heart sink to my stomach.  His girlfriend at the time was really sweet and I had fun with her at the party despite my heart being broken into a million pieces.  After that, the only time I talked to Omar really was when one of us wished each other a happy birthday. 

A while ago, I decided to check out his profile page and was surprised to learn that he had moved to a different state and was engaged.  I don't why, but it mad me sad when I saw this.  Probably since I never told him how I felt about him.  Even though I am with Ben, can you blame me?!  Ben lately doesn't even ask me out or really make me feel like his girlfriend.  I can't even remember the last time we talked on the phone or FaceTime.

I was surprised when Omar messaged me last night.  The only time we message each other is on our birthdays.  I was happy and excited too since St. Jude had answer my prayer of reconnecting with old friends.  I was surprised he was even up since he is in a different time zone after all.  Even though we talked briefly, it was nice to hear from an old friend.  We just talked mostly about school and the gym and those feelings I had for him that I thought had disappeared returned again.  I didn't check out his profile page.  I didn't want to see pictures of him with his fiancĂ©e or maybe wife by now.  I wonder why he even messaged me but I'm just glad I actually got to talk to him and not just to say "Happy Birthday"  either.  I thought about Omar all last night and what could of been.  I feel guilty thinking about what could of been between Omar and me, even though Ben has pretty distant lately.  I wonder what I would of said had Omar asked if I was seeing anyone???     

24 hours of Surprises Part 1

These last 24 hours have been full of surprises, not necessarily bad (or at least not yet-hopefully not).  So the most recent was how I had posted something about on my profile page about one of my teams losing and being eliminated from the World Cup.  I was seeing who had liked my comment and saw quickly my ex had liked it. Seriously, my ex! I didn't see his profile page picture real good since it was a glimpse and I had logged out quickly to regain my emotions again.  I'm not reading more into him liking my comment. It is just a like and nothing more.  He has moved on and so have I.  I have noticed that he doesn't cross mind that much like in the past.  I'm glad, I'm starting to find myself again, which is all I ever wanted really. 

The next surprise was how Ben never sent me any messages about the game.  Probably since he has deleted his account and now doesn't see the comments I make about World Cup games.  I never saw this coming.  I wonder why he deleted his account.  Maybe he knows I look at it and wants to hide the fact he goes out with other people all the time!  I haven't heard from him since Friday and he has still yet to invite me out on a date night.  I'm leaving for vacation at the end of the week too.  Looks like he forgot and is busy with other people...sigh :/

I don't want to check my school e-mails and find a bad surprise.  It is bad enough I am once again going to have trouble with fin aid and last a check one of grades was missing.  I don't know if the prof has yet to turn in grades or what.  I'm worried, I hope I didn't fail and have to repeat the course.  I know I am going to have to e-mail the prof soon and have been lagging it.  I'm just afraid to know what is the reason for the missing grade. 

And lastly, for my favorite surprise.  So before I go to bed, I like to pray to St. Jude and often I pray for him to pray for me to reconnect with my old friends.  A few ago one of my friends messaged me.  I was so happy too and just last night the same thing happed too.  I couldn't sleep so I went to check out an upcoming anthropology show  fan page by one of my hero's.  I just wanted to see what the show was going to be about and if any new information was out about it.  I had liked the page and wrote a post to the host of the show, my hero.  Before I was about to log out, I respond to a message that one of my friends sent me and quickly saw I had a new message.  Thinking it was the same friend because he is in a different time zone and continent, I was surprised to see that it was from someone else, and not just anyone be continued.... 


Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Questioning Ben

The other day I saw Ben's page and no surprise he was tagged at some type of restaurant club with some girl.  And it was last Friday too!!! This explained a lot.  For starters, I had texted him and he didn't me back till after 2 AM, probably just getting home too.  He couldn't at least take the time to send me a heart message?!  He texts and talks on the phone all the time when we are out on date night.  It also explains why last week he suggested date night between Tuesday-Thursday.  It looked like it was a nice place too that he went to.  -_-

When I first met Ben, I remember how he would tell me how he was a romantic and the kind of things he does with dates.  He would take girls dancing and nice restaurant because he thinks taking girls to a chain restaurants on a first date is not romantic.  He did take me to a comedy club on our official first date and sadly that is about the only nice place we have been too.  I thought this restaurant he took me once was nice but then I saw he had been there before with someone else and that stung.

Looking at his profile page hurts.  He is always hanging out with someone other then me and always at these amazing places that I have never been to and would like to with Ben.  Besides the comedy club, he hasn't taken me anywhere that has really impressed me.  Our dates are just like any other dates that I have been on with other people.  At least I am going out of the country in a couple days.  It will give me a chance to clear my head.  I am not saying anything to Ben because I did tell him before and I want to see if he is actually remembers and schedules in a date night before I go.  If not, I will have a lot to think about.   

I thought Ben was the one but now I am not sure.  I wanted to make us officially this summer and introduce him to my family but how can I when we barely hang out as it is.  My family will definitely not be impressed with Ben if they met him and notice how little we go out for being the summer time. 

I want someone to chase me and swept me off my feet.  Someone who is romantic and remembers little things about me.  I have not really seen that in Ben lately and it is making me question our relationship.  Does Ben want me to chase him or something?  I have a lot to think about with Ben and our supposedly relationship. 

Sunday, June 22, 2014

Summer Break and No Ben

Already a couple weeks into my summer break and nothing much has changed, especially between Ben and me. We haven't hung out once yet but yet he has been hanging out with other people ALL THE TIME!!! Ugh, it makes me so mad when I look at his profile page and I see him tagged at places and/or pictures, especially with other girls too!!! I know guys can have friends that are girls but still it sucks because we are supposedly in a relationship and it  does not feel like it.  To me, it feels like we only hang out when it is convenient for him.  Did I mention that our last date night was in March too! However, he did apologize the other day how we haven't hung out this summer and that he wanted to hang out this week but no shocker that he didn't invite me anywhere. And if it were not for the World Cup going on, I probably wouldn't hear from him that much.  The only time we really talk is when one of my favorite teams is playing and I post something about the game on my page.  He probably could care less about the World Cup if it weren't for me. I'll give him some points for at least trying to show an interest in something that I like.
I know I shouldn't really complain about him not always spending time with me since he does help me out when I really need him the most but is it wrong to ask for a little more "us time!?"  There are other guys who want to hang out with me and I decline as usual.  At this point though, I should probably keep my options open.  For all I know, Ben is cheating on me, since at times it does feel that way.  I feel like I am just a convenient girlfriend he has just to show off when needed or have available when he has no one else to hang out with.  I do not even feel like a girlfriend.  A part of me wants to tell him how we should see other people, even though he might already be doing so. It isn't fair for me having to wait every month for one date night (if I am lucky).  A few months ago I wanted to have a date night but he told me how he has other people he needs to hang out with too! Seriously?! What is wrong with you Ben?! And what is wrong with me for staying in whatever this is between Ben and me?! He also said that to me during our date and how he also had to decline other people who wanted to hang out with him so he could be with me.  -_ -   And when summer comes to an end, it is just going to be worse.  I will be busy with school and he will be busy with work.   Fridays he will want to show his school spirit and want to go to the Friday night football games wherever he will be working at.  Ben might invite me to one if I am lucky just to show me off but I have never been a fan of going to games since they are usually at night and in the fall season when the temperature is freezing me.  It is hard for me to be out in the cold and not be doing anything.  It also wouldn't be my idea of a date night either.  We could do something after the game but I'll probably be to numb and tired to want to do anything afterwards. 
I told Ben a few weeks ago how during the summer we should go to this museum and see the new exhibition.  I really want to go, especially with Ben, but he probably doesn't even remember that I said that.  It wouldn't surprise me if either if he already saw the exhibition.  He goes everywhere with other people except for me.  At least his profile picture right now is just a selfie of him.  I think he got my message when he had a profile picture of him and one of his friend girls.  When I saw that, oh boy did that set me off!  We barely hang out and then my profile picture at the time was a picture of us. And yet he has to remind me of our lack of date nights nor comment or at least like the profile picture! So I immediately changed my picture to one of me with someone other then Ben.  I also posted on a couple of guys wall and ignored a couple of his messages.  Looks like I need to this again. 

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Responding to a Status

Why is it the only way I can get Ben's attention these days is through social media?  Why?!  I was missing Ben on Sunday and reflecting on how much he has done for me and wanted to make it up to him this weekend but he did not respond back to me until yesterday- only after I had wrote on someone's wall, changed my profile picture and started to make plans with someone else. 
Last night, I was responding to someone's status and saw that Ben had once again changed his profile picture.  His new profile picture was him posing next to some girl who was not tagged.  He changed it last Tuesday too the day he helped me with my projects.  It was before we met up, but still, I just had changed my profile picture about 2 weeks ago and he never said anything nor tagged himself in the picture like I was hoping he would too.  I am slowly trying to make us official on social media by first changing my profile picture to us but apparently Ben could care less and probably refers to me as his girlfriend whenever it is convenient  for him, like with his close guys friends, etc.   So I changed my profile picture to an old one where I am posing with some Ranchero singer.  No point of having a picture of us when he doesn't even at least like the picture of us as my profile picture.  No sooner had I logged off that Ben sent me a text telling me how he missed me and wanted to hang this weekend.  WTF Ben?!  Why is it that the only way I can get your attention is writing on your "competition's" wall and changing my profile picture.  It made me mad and I'm still mad because here I am trying to make  up time with him and spend more time with him and he literally schedules me in when  it is convenient for him.  It isn't fair to me too and sometimes I feel like I deserve better.  I started making plans with that one guy I mentioned earlier that I had met online since I keep blowing him off for Ben.  Here is a guy who wants to hang out with me while I always decline him for Ben and I even keep my weekends open for Ben who only hangs out with me once a month and even tells me that he has other people that he needs to hang out with too when I try to schedule another date night, like last week for example.  How does he expect me to introduce him to my parents when he doesn't even spend that much time with me to being with and my parents are the type to judge over everything so him only hanging out with me once a month will not win any points with them.  So IDK what I am going to do this weekend, I think I might just have  a "me" weekend and just go to the gym all weekend and lay around the house in my PJs.  I don't know if I want to hang out with that guy from online since I'll probably be thinking of Ben.  And I don' t think I want to hang out with Ben to send a message that I deserve more then a once a month date night.  But I doubt that will have any effect on him since he always has someone to hang out with.  Why does my love and social life suck?!   
Sunday March 23 7:49PM:
Me: <3

8:01 PM
Me: My love lets do something this weekend :)
        I miss you

Monday March 24 7:46 PM
Ben: <3
         Okay let's do something this weekend :)
         I miss you

-Really, you miss me?!  You have a funny way of showing it!!!  Also, you are just now responding to me after I just commented on some guy's wall who used to like me and whom you consider your competition from school and after I changed my profile picture that used to be us too. really miss me.

9:29 PM
Me: <3

-I waited to respond to him just like he did and didn't even respond to hanging out since I already started making plans with someone else and because I am mad at him for blowing me off always and responding only after I was on social media.

March 25 12:02 AM
Ben: <3

2:54 AM
Me: Me 2

-Now I am just going to me my messages short and blunt because that is what I do when I am mad/upset and respond to him way later since that seems to be the only way I can get his attention these days since it has worked before in the past.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

I Need a Miracle...Like Fast! :/

I need a miracle.  I officially started grad school this week and already I feel overwhelmed and behind.  I still need to buy textbooks, do my homework/assignments, and respond to e-mails.  I need to pay for my classes by April 1st or 2nd and that is coming up soon.  I applied for financial aid but have been having issues with it and just found out on Friday that I applied for the wrong one so now I am worried about how I am going to pay for the two classes I am enrolled in.  I was going to take 3 but it cost to munch and I wanted to ease my way into taking more classes since you have to get an A or B in the class in order to pass. Also, my classes are web based so being not tech savvy I wanted to see how it goes.  Hopefully I'll be done by next year and find a way to pay for my classes.  I missed the information session for paying for classes because of work.  I'll probably end up taking some sort of loan but I just don't what kind yet.  I'm splitting the cost of the books with some people so that will help but some books I do need to buy myself since they are actual physical textbooks.  I am already counting down the days till June 8th when my classes will be over with.  I am also looking into other ways to bring in cash, such as substituting more, looking for the things to sell, and even those get paid cash to read e-mails.  I don't think I'll make that much but it is worth a try.  Why is school so expensive!? :/
I saw Ben on Tuesday (3/18) and he helped me edit my video clips for school.  It was the first time I've seen him since our last date night.  It was sweet that he dedicated the whole night to helping me with my projects because I don't think I could have done it without him and it was spring break.  I wished they didn't take long because I was too tired to have a romantic evening afterwards and I ended up going home after we got something to eat.  Hopefully, we can have date night next weekend, I wanted date night this weekend but he has plans with other people as usual.  I really want to make it up to him since we didn't really have a chance to celebrate his birthday, Valentine's Day and date night.  I was going to bring it on Tuesday when I saw him but I didn't want the chocolates and HK marshmallow pop to melt.   

So for now I'm trying to get much as sleep as possible since I haven't had a decent sleep since getting expected.  I've been having a hard time sleeping because I worry about meeting deadlines, losing internet connection, computer crashing and how I'm going to pay for classes and course material!!!