Sunday, April 26, 2015

Opened All Day & Night

So I texted Ben Thursday night because I was having a bad day. He asked if I was mad at him and I told him how I was really stressed and avoiding people because I didn't want to snap and take my anger out on the wrong person. That was semi true even though I was mad at him. I did tell him how if he was busy those days he could of just said so. He said he remember but was waiting for me to say something about it. I don't know, I personally think he forgot as usual and only remember when I started to ignore him. I did ask him for help on a lesson plan. I just wanted him to look at it and point me in the right direction in which I was doing wrong. I just sent it to him via email and didn't text him since I figured he would be busy. He texted me at 9:46 PM Friday night how he just saw my email. It read, "Sweetheart! I just saw your email right now! You should've texted me to let me know that you sent me an email. I can look over it. When do you need it done?" I told him how it was okay and that I had already submitted it. I did think about texting him but when I have asked him for helped in the past, he is usually late to respond and I end up submitting it without his feedback. I've come to the conclusion not to ask for his help anymore. I need to start relying on myself and less on Ben. I think he did feel bad since he asked on Saturday if I needed help with anything and I told him how Saturday was my day off from thinking about school. I told him how I was teaching two lessons next week on WWII and he tried to offer me some ideas. I told him thanks and would worry about that later. I also haven't been texting him that much either. I'm still a little mad about not seeing him last week and now I am going to be busy the next upcoming weeks until school is out and then I might take a summer course so who knows what my summer will be like. Ben also texted me earlier today to tell me how today was his mom's birthday and how she doesn't like birthdays either. He sent me a picture of the Lego cake I gave him and he told me how he put it together for his mom. He also said he wanted to take his mom to Disneyland before she got older. He kind of hint at taking me but not really, he just asked how I don't like crowds, which is true but it depends. I wouldn't be oppose to Ben taking me but I doubt it he ever will. He cant even meet me for lunch so I don't see Disneyland in the near future. Also, if he took his mom, I would feel bad and like a third wheel. I feel bad because I would feel like I was imposing on their mother son outing and then a third wheel and going on rides where there is seats for two people would be awkward figuring out who gets to sit next to Ben. I'm going to be optimistic and hope that Ben and I will finally have a summer for us. I went to the gym tonight also. I almost went to the one Omar went to but I didn't. I didn't want flashbacks and get sad over Omar. Which reminds me, I still need to watch Tengo Ganas a Ti . I was going to watch it last night but I was tired and would probably fall asleep watching it. I always feel like Heche when I go the gym where Omar use to work at. I think I see him but it isn't him. I want to start going to the gym more, even before work or student teaching or after class on Friday. I just need that spark of motivation. Omar was my spark years ago. I would get up early and stay late up late working out. I even did my homework early so I could go to the gym and not worry about it. I think it also made my last year at community college more enjoyable and go by faster. He also helped me find me but he will never know what a difference he made in my life. I wished I had another motivation like Omar in my life. I'm not looking for something romantic like Ben but someone who can get me motivated in life again and help me find myself again.

Thursday, April 23, 2015

Six Months From Now

So once again I am mad at Ben, shocker right?! I wish I was typing something happy but not this time. So Monday, I texted Ben asking what he was doing Tuesday or Wednesday since Monday and Tuesday I was subbing near him. I asked if he was free and wanted to do something after I finished work or "do lunch" as Ben would say. He said he was free and missed me and wanted to see me. He asked if I had the whole day off Wednesday but I told him I working. Monday night I went to bed excited. I even dreamt of Ben and me getting married and when I woke up I was in a good mood. I wore something cute and waited to hear from Ben. I texted him before worked started how I thought it was going to rain and he texted me back at 1:34 how he had just woke up and how he didn't realize how cold it was and how he put the heater on. I texted him how it was cold and I waited to see if would remember about doing something after school but he didn't. A part of me was hoping he would surprise me and be waiting outside my work but sadly no. I drove home pissed off and he texted me at 4:32 about how one day he had the AC and the next day he had the heater on. I ignored it since I was pissed off about forgetting about our date. I didn't want to remind him either because now I want a guy to truly want to spend time with me and make the effort. I don't want to make an effort if it isn't worth it and I cant tell with Ben sometimes. With Ben, he only makes time when he knows I am pissed off because of FB. And right now I am staying off of FB for the month of April to focus on school. So maybe Ben doesn't know I am mad at him because I haven't updated my status like I usually do when I am mad at him. Anyways, I went to bed pissed off and prayed that Ben would remember for Wednesday. He texted me a heart 11:32 PM but I was asleep and how my phone on silent because I didn't want to hear from him. So today I dressed cute hoping Ben would remember and text me but as the hours passed at work that glimmer of hope faded and once again I drove him pissed off. So the rest of today I thought about Ben. I wondered if he knows I am pissed off and not texting me because he is waiting to cool off. I also wondered why he always does this. I thought about how munch longer I could take of this because last night I dreamt about my next birthday. I dreamt that it was coming up and that I didn't see Ben all summer and all of September and October. He texted me how he wanted to spend time with me for my birthday and I texted him back how I hated birthdays and how he was doing exactly what I hate about birthdays, which is I don't see or hear from someone almost all year but when it is my birthday (or Valentine's Day) they remember I exist and want to spend time with me. I also texted Ben back how if it weren't for my birthday he probably wouldn't have even tried to make time for me that week. I woke up after that so I don't what Ben said, if he said anything or how it ended. He just texted me a heart 22 minutes ago but I just ignored it. Maybe he will realize that I am mad and giving him the silent treatment. All I wanted to do these past two days was just spend time with him, even if it was to get a quick drink at Starbucks when I had lunch or just talk during my lunch. Or get something to eat after work or see another movie, just something. I would of been happy had he come for just a minute so I could at least give him a hug and kiss. I just wanted to see him at least one more time before school got hectic in the next few weeks but it looks like my dream from last night is becoming a reality. :/

Sunday, April 12, 2015


Last night I watched 3 Metros Sobre El Cielo. I love that movie and wanted to rewatch it for a long time. I was going to watch the sequel first but wanted to rewatch 3MSC again because I've been wanting to watch it but have been busy with work and school and I wanted to rewatch before watching the sequel to remember what happened in the first movie. Even though every time I watch it and hope that Babi and "H" get back together, I know they won't. I think my favorite seen is Babi's birthday party and "H" and Babi danced to the song "Forever Young." I would love to have a moment like that but I don't think I will anytime soon. In real life the actor and actress that played Babi and "H" dated and just broke up last spring. :( I was sad to hear when they broke up because they were a cute couple and acted in a couple of movies together. I wonder if they'll ever make a English version of 3MSC since there is an Italian and Spanish version. I watched the Spanish version btw but I wouldn't mind watching the Italian version to see how they are similar and different. I want to read the book too so maybe I'll get a copy to read during the summer and read it and not spend money. I still feel like I'm in Spring Break mode. I started school two weeks ago. I'm glad I am just taking one class because I didn't feel ready for student teaching. It also gives me a chance to make more money for the upcoming terms assuming I pass my CSET. I've been lagging studying. Hopefully I pass because then I'll be skewered in the fall. I haven't asked Ben to help me study either. He always seems busy. It would also be nice to pass without his help either. He never invited me anywhere during Spring Break and I don't see him doing so either anytime soon. :/ It would be nice to feel tres metros sobre el cielo right now (hopefully I can with work, school, and Ben).

Monday, April 6, 2015

Good Day

So the last 24 hours have been good to me. Today, my paycheck came and my Hello Kitty earrings. I also bought these Coach butterfly sandals online. I had some before and wore them for years until one of them broke. I tried to find them again in my size but no luck today. I bought them right away. They are pink and in good condition. In the pictures they almost look new so hopefully they are in good shape when I get them. Yesterday, I bought these Hello Kitty flats for $14.99 online. They are so cute and I couldn't believe the price. I almost want to buy the last one in stock but I need to really start saving. They will be coming from Japan so I don't know when they will come. They would perfect to wear to the Hello Kitty museum but I don't know when I going to see it or if I am going to see it. :/ I'm still debating rather one of the last things I buy to start saving is a PINK university jacket. It is $55 and it's my school so I am still deciding on it. Only problem is it is a small. I wear a small but I also like my jackets a little bigger. A medium would be perfect but small will do. They also sell out fast when VS starts selling new colligate apparel for the season so I don't know to buy it now or wait for VS new season but it will be more money and in the summer and I wont have any income. I think I am going to start selling things on eBay for extra income over the summer. I just worry about unnecessary negative review because the buyer didn't bother to take the time to read the description. I hope this struck of luck and goodness continues throughout the week. I am still waiting for Ben to invite me to the Hello Kitty museum exhibit and my financial aid to disburse because my university already put a hold on my account. It is isn't my fault! My financial aid said it was going to be disbursed March 30 and it still hasn't. If it doesn't get disburse by the end of the day I will call my university tomorrow and explain my situation to get my late fee removed and my account out of holding. I will also pray tonight for Ben. I really hope he gets hired full-time and invites me out, preferably this Wednesday since I have work Thursday and school Friday. Now I just need to finish my homework and study STUDY for my CSET next month.

Thursday, April 2, 2015

No Date Night I Guess

So Ben finally texted me about a date night yesterday. He didn't really say when so once again things are the same it looks like. The conversation went like this: Me: 5 classes left to go Ben: Well I'm proud of you baby. Let's go celebrate! Me: Lol if you want to -I doubt it. Looks like I'm right so far. And we probably won't have a date night either until June since it seems like we have date night every three to six months. Ben: Of course :) -When it is convenient for you, as in when you don't have a friend in town, it isn't someone's birthday, and when you remember you have a "girlfriend." Me: Okay, just not Fridays Ben: You mean like TGIF? -I've never been their. I wonder how it is? Me: I mean I have class on Fridays now from 5-8 starting this Friday Ben: Awwww Me: I know they only had two classes offered either Tuesday or Fay at the same time so I chose Friday. It's not like I do anything on Fridays anyways - I chose Friday because it gives me the whole week to work on my school assignments. And it's true, I really don't do anything on Fridays. I'm sad I won't be able to go to the yoga class on Fridays but I at least can start running on early on the weekends and get a gym routine going again. Also, it isn't like Ben and I have so many date nights, especially on Fridays. I've only had three dates with him since the school year started. The first one he only asked me it felt like because of my post on FB though I had ever reason to be mad at him since I hadn't seen him in months and it was close to my birthday. The second date was to make up for my birthday and it was around Christmas time. Finally, the last date was last week when we went to the movies. My guess our next date will be mid May or mid June. And I'm sure I'll see pictures of him tagged out and about with other people, especially the opposite sex and celebrating their birthdays.

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Sping Break

So I think I have class this Friday. Hopefully I am still enrolled in the class and received my financial aid to help pay for my class. I still need to submit my financial aid for next school year. I guess grades are out since someone yesterday asked me what I got and then they told me what they got in their classes. They passed the Saturday class with a B+ so hopefully I got some type of B. I don't want to look right now. Right now I just want to clean my room and study for my CSET. I'm also waiting Ben to invite me to the HK museum exhibition but he hasn't yet. Hopefully he invites me tonight so we can go tomorrow since I have class on Friday and don't want to ruin the date by rushing to get home. Typical Ben getting my hopes up once again for a date night. Since we went out last week this probably means we won't have another one till the end of the school year, like June...sigh... :/ I really want to make us official but how can I when I barely see him.

Monday, March 30, 2015

Uncertain Future

My future is uncertain. Here's why: Everything for my last term needed to be completed and submitted by March 23, 11:59 PM. So all of last week I worked and wonder how I did on my assignments and classes. All I wanted to do last week was catch up on my sleep too. I am worried about one class since I did not do a good job on my portfolio assessment and if you don't pass that then you can't take the next class for it. It's bad enough I didn't pass my social studies test and now can't take my student teaching in April. Last Wednesday night, a classmate texted me and told me how he didn't do well on his portfolio assessment. I checked and my had not been graded yet. An hour later I received an email notification how my portfolio assessment had been graded. I told Ben and he said we could look at it after I finish work. We had plans for that day but they had to be change since I took a sub assignment to work that day. He was going to get tickets for the HK exhibition museum but he said to take the job and that we could to the museum exhibit another day. I met Ben after work last Thursday. I was nervous because I was going to find out how I did on my portfolio assessment and also excited because it was going to see Ben and actually spend time with him and FINALLY give him his Christmas present, birthday present, and Valentine's Day present. So we went to Starbucks and he opened his presents which I was nervous about that because I didn't know if he would like them or not. He first opened the box that had his birthday and Valentine's day presents. He opened the red fortune HK box that had that had the HK figurine inside. He commented how he liked the box and like the HK inside. I told him how for Valentine's Day I had envisioned giving it to him with a balloon attach and the box filled with hearts inside, either candy or origami. After that, it was the gourd bird with the Lego cake set inside. I didn't know how he was going to like. he took it out and made a gasping sound of delight. He loved it and said he would put it on his desk. I told him how it was Peru and that it opens. He opened it and like the Lego cake. He then opened the presents that were in the gift bag since not everything could fit in the bag because of the electric razor. He took out the electric razor first. He made another gasping sound which caught me by surprise since I was brushing my hair. I turned to him and he told me how he liked the razor and how he wanted one. I told him how I remember how he said he wanted him. Next, it was the apple frame. He like it but wished I had put a picture in it. I was going to but I couldn't find the file for the picture I had and then I got really busy with school and work but I can always give it to him later or he can put one of his choice. Then finally the last gift was the Nightwing t-shirt. I told him how he reminded me of Nightwing when he had long hair and how I wanted to take pictures with him wearing the shirt and me wearing a Batman one. He loved his gift and I was happy but my happiness was short lived. He checked my portfolio assessment and I didn't do well. I shed a few tears and he comforted me. He thinks I might be able to take the next class, so hopefully he was right. He checked the work I submitted for feedback and he didn't see any. 20 minutes I lost it and he took me back to his car where I lost it. He wanted to make me feel better and asked what I wanted to do and I told him he could picked. He suggested the mall and the movies. He ended up picking the movies and thought Cinderella would make me feel better since he knew I wanted to see it. It was cute but it made me sad in some parts because I was thinking about school. I also thought how I will be never be good enough for someone to go to the ends of the worlds for or take to a ball. I mean, look at past, I went to prom by myself (but I had fun) and it seems like I'll never finish school, get a good job and leave home and start a new life. :/ But I didn't tell Ben what I was thinking. IDK why he wants to be with me at times, I'm really useless when I think about myself. Anyways, after the movies it was getting late. Before I left, he told me things to make me feel better and to get rest when I got home since I had work the next day. I shed a few more tears and he gave me a hug, which made me feel better to have his arms around me. Before I left, he told me to how he would be there for me if I needed him and no matter what time it was he would get in his car to get to me should I need him. He also told me to think positive because we don't know if I failed yet and might be able to get to take the next class. Later that night, he texted me how Cinderella reminded him of me and how he wanted to take me to a ball. I told him I was a terrible dancer and there was no balls. Well there are balls, but neither of us have access to going to one. Maybe one day or maybe we can have a dance together if we chaperon a dance. So now Idk what my future will be like. I'm scared and full of anxiety. I checked this morning for a list of my textbooks I would need but it wasn't posted yet which makes me wonder if I had passed my class or not. I asked Ben to check my final grades for me but he said when he checked it wasn't posted. Today, I received a welcome email from professor for the class I enrolled next term. It could mean I passed or it could mean the roster of the class hasn't been updated yet. I could be still enrolled but later dropped once grades are released. It's nerve-racking because my future is uncertain. Did I pass? Did I not pass? What I am dreading is thinking about my future if I didn't pass my class. I lose my fin aid, angry parents, I will have to take the class again and without fin aid, Idk how I'll afford it. My uncertain future is scary and stressing me out and I pray for a miracle I passed.