Monday, October 5, 2015

Pumpkin Spice Time

It's fall and pumpkin spice time.  School has just begun and already I feel overwhelmed. I literally have something due every week but at least I have till Friday to get it done.  Anyways, I was not expecting to have observations this term and I do. I was hoping to substitute as many days as possible to afford my terms. I have 3 terms left after this term. Which is 6 classes left (2 per term) and each class is 3 units so I have 18 units left. 

I am literally broke and actually afraid to use my debit card because that's how broke I am.  I need to work at least 132 days to afford the rest of my terms.  Its going to be hard after the fall term because I'll only be able to work on Fridays so hopefully I get a job every Friday till the summer term ends and then I can work M-F till the school year ends.  Then when school picks up again in August I can hopefully work m-f till my classes start in September. I need around $14000 and hopefully tuition doesn't go up either then I'll really be screwed. I also don't want to take out another loan either. :(

So last Monday Ben wanted to FaceTime me at 10 PM and I fell asleep and slept through his calls. He wanted to invite me to Knott's Scary Farm for Friday night. He was volunteering to help chaperon and invited me because they were short on chaperons. He also wanted me to meet his coworkers, his former students, and hopefully his boss. He was hoping his boss would come so we could meet and that it might persuade him to hire him full time but he didn't come. I had fun with him and we even got some good selfies of us. I even edited one with a zombie app and made it my profile picture since its Halloween season. He was glad I came to and that I was able to meet his coworkers and some of his former students. I think in February he will be starting a long term subbing position but I am not sure for how long. I hope he gets hired full-time because he really deserves it and hopefully I am done with school by next November.

Monday, September 7, 2015


I'm not looking forward to tomorrow. I am not sure what is going to happen but I am hoping for the best. For now, I'm not going to think about it and enjoy the rest of the day and what is left of it.

Anyways, Ben is trying with us and I couldn't be happier. He tried in the summer to take me to the fair but I had family over and couldn't go sadly. He also tried to take me to the aquarium two weeks ago but I had tonsillitis.  This time last year, he would make plans but then we never went out and months would go by.  He went to the fair yesterday with his family and he wanted to secretly win me a prize but was kind of embarrassed of what his dad would say, aw. Hopefully things get better for the both of us. I hope and pray he finds a full time job and my school thing gets figured out.  

Friday, September 4, 2015


I'm trying to remain hopeful because I am in deep sh*t right now it feels like.  Classes start next week and I'm not enrolled. I didn't pass all the test I needed for the fall term so I decided to add a program. I finally passed one of the three test I need and I passed the one I thought I would never pass so now I am hopefully I will pass the other two by the end of the year.  Anyways, I thought you just needed to sign the application to add the program and that was it. Nope, I was WAY WRONG. That is just part of it. While trying to register for classes last week I found out that you have to submit a written essay as well. I just submitted it today, which was two days later then what I was aiming for. I finished it yesterday but when I was trying to submit it, I saw that it could only be up to 250 words and my essay was over 600 words. so this morning I spent 40 minutes editing it to exactly 250 words.  After I submitted my essay, I  was checking the essay prompt to make sure I answered it all and I think I responded to the wrong one.  Hopefully I didn't or they don't notice or let it slide.  The only thing that was different from the other prompt was the second question but I feel like I kind of answered it in my essay but with my luck, they won't see it that way. 

 I saw once class was closed already so I am nervous about next week because I really don't know what is going to happen or if I am even going to be enrolled this fall in school.  I keep praying to St. Jude that all will be well for me in the end and I get a miracle where I am cleared to register for classes, I get the classes I need, and I don't have any issues with financial aid. Please St. Jude pray for a miracle for me. Give me something to believe in.  This is my fault though. I should of taken care of this last month instead of waiting till the last minute. Had I made sure I was cleared earlier, I would of known I needed to write an essay and maybe by now I would of been register for classes.  I am dreading next week...sigh... :(

Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Forever Young

I went to the mall today and when I entered the mall I heard Forever Young playing. It was a sign since lately I keep playing music scenes from Tres Metros Sobre El Cielo (3MSC), such as the intro, the club scene, and of course the dance scene where Forever Young was playing. As I was getting for the mall, I sprayed my version of Don Algodon's Sweet and Sexy (I sprayed a Philosophy perfume) since on eBay its around $40 for a small bottle from Spain and maybe for my birthday I will treat myself and buy one. Hopefully it smells nice. Anyways, I thought it was sign. Maybe it was going to be one of those days when you know something good is going to happen but nope it was an ordinary day but I'm not complaining because there's always tomorrow. I also plan on buying the DVD for my birthday too lol and the sequal!

So hopefully I see Ben tomorrow. He is definitely making more of an effort to see me. He helped me study for my test and he wanted to go to the fair last week but I had some homework to work on so we are going to try and go to the fair tomorrow and hopefully I feel 3MSC.

Sunday, July 5, 2015

The Mind

Yesterday I went to wish someone a happy birthday on FB and then saw how Ben had been out at venue. I was a little mad because a part of me felt mad because I saw this summer being a repeat of last history. I know he is going through a tough time and I am giving him time to find himself, it still hurt me so when he texted me a heart I was little mad but I let it go and sent him one back and didn't think much of it because I thought that would be the end of that conversation and was surprised that he wanted to see me since it was kind of late for me and I had just gotten home and was trying to sort the items I sold on eBay. Then he asked if I wanted to take a break and do something. I asked him what he had in mind and he said suggested Starbucks, I honestly did not see him inviting me out and wished he had something earlier other wise I would of said yes and I had just finished an ice coffee. I also didn't have a car to meet him and he even offered to bring me Starbucks to my house. I told him how it was late but asked him what he was doing next week and he said how we could hang out on Sunday or Monday or Tuesday. He then told me how he talked to someone about how he is feeling and what he is going through, and it broke my heart with what he told me. He first told me why he offered me Starbucks and if it sounded weird (which it didn't, if anything, it just caught me off guard) because the person he talked to told him how if he wants to get over being depressed, he needs to start being active again even if it is spontaneous like bringing Starbucks. He then told me how he loves me a lot and how he knows little things get in the way but how he will never stopped loving me. <3 He said issues like his shyness, depression, body issues, and money problems make him scare to go out because he is afraid of being judged by people he should be close with, like me. This broke my heart, because I didn't know he felt this way and I felt guilty always being mad at him for not inviting me out. The next thing he told me really broke my heart. He told me how his mind tells him that he is not good enough for me and that he is scared that when we see each other I'll realize that and leave because he always pictured me out of his league. So now I understand why he doesn't invite me out as much because he is afraid I'll leave him when I see him. I feel bad because I had no clue he felt like that and if anything, I thought he would leave me for someone prettier or more interesting or smarter. He also added how he has self esteem issues and still thinks I am out of his league because he always pictured me out of his league. I never imaged I would be out of someone's league and like him, always picture every guy out of my league. He said how the person he talked to told him how he needs to get over this thinking because it can be detrimental to our relationship. He went on to say how he still thinks that and that I'd probably want a famous soccer player or something before me. This mad me feel bad also because as much as I would like to marry my one of my celebrity crushes, I would always wonder if they were faithful or not and I don't think I would be pretty enough for one of them. And I want to be my own person and not be known as so and so's wife. I told him I'm happy to have hi  and why we are a perfect match. He then said he felt bad for being a bad boyfriend because of his self esteem and self doubt issues but he wants to change it. He said also how we might have met at the wrong time in our lives but we are working through it and how if he had a job he knows we'd see each other more. I'm glad we had this talk and I learned I shouldn't be show judgmental and how we all have our issues that we are trying to get through. I have my issues like Ben has his. Now I won't be mad if we don't see each other all the time because I know why. If anything, I thought he would leave me and while I was thinking that he was thinking the same thing. I hope things get better for the both of us. <3

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Weird Funk

Tuesday, June 16th, I Face Time with Ben. It was night and it helped me understand Ben better. Monday night, he sent me a link of a personality test and I took it and he said we were a perfect match. I looked at the characteristic traits of his results and I teased him how he doesn't like commitment and how he is probably cheating on me and how this would explain why we don't go out as much. I guess this hurt his feelings because he told me how he would never cheat on me. He even wanted to Face Time to clear things up but I had fallen asleep by then. So Tuesday night, we Face Time. I felt bad how I had hurt his feeling and he told me how he is going through a weird funk right now because he is sad about how he is having a hard time finding a job. I understand what he is going through and will give him time and space. I wont give him a timeline to change and I'm glad we talk because now I understand him better. He said he is sad and has no energy and wants to stay in bed all the time. He hasn't even really hung out with his friends either. I told him how I am going through something too. I told him how I am stressed about bills and my next test and school. I even got him to join Pinterest and I think he got scared when he saw my board about how guys suck and told me how he doesn't want me to think that he takes me for granted and how he was hoping for a job by now so we could move forward in our relationship. So now I feel better about Ben and I. Then on Monday, he sent me a text and told me how he didn't get his dream job. This made me sad because I thought he would be offer a position for sure since and even he doesn't know why he didn't get a job offer. I felt bad when I saw the message and wanted to give him a hug right then and there. It makes me worried that if he is struggling to get a job then I definitely will have struggle, especially with interviews. Hopefully he gets something by the time school starts up again. On Tuesday that OkCupid guy text me out of nowhere. I talked to him briefly. We basically just talked about school and he told me how he is almost done and asked about my tests. I told him I still need to pass them and how I can't take classes in the fall if I don't pass my exam next month. After that I didn't keep the conversation going. I didn't like how the last time we talked and I told him my goals for the future and he criticized them. Even though he was trying to be honest with me, I didn't like. I believe I can do it. Even now he will criticize the school I go and what I am pursuing right now. I am glad I have Ben because he supports my dreams and goals in life. I also feel things are great between Ben and I and I don't need ever need to meet this OkCupid guy in the future. Also, on Tuesday, I bought the charm bracelet that Ben had given me for my birthday/Christmas. I lost it a couple of months ago at work and it made me sad when I lost it. I finally found it on eBay on Tuesday and made an offer for $15 and it was accepted. The seller wanted $18.88 but had or best offer so I made a reasonable offer and I was happy when it was accepted within seconds after I submitted. I didn't think the seller would respond so soon. So now I am happy and can't wait for it to come. I missed wearing it because it reminded me of Ben. This time I am going to be extra careful because I doubt I will find that bracelet again for that price. I am also being more careful with my money because I am not working but I don't regret that bracelet because I bought it out of love. I am also trying to study for my exam, but like Ben, I am in a weird funk too. The second time I took, I almost passed an exam but missed it by 3 points. The third time I took, I wasn't close and it is discouraging. I try to study and I have no motivation or energy. I study for a little bit and then I either fall asleep or go on Pinterest. I also don't know how and what to study for. I study this and then I am ask something else and completely random. Hopefully I pass because I don't know what I am going to do in the fall and I want to be done with school by March but at this point I feel like I will never pass my exam. :/ Last night I went to the gym and took a yoga class. It was nice and it helped me forget about my problems. However in the parking lot I was reminded of Omar because I saw a car that had an alumni license plate frame of where Omar went and it reminded me of how Omar's car had the sticker of the college he went to and for a brief moment I thought it could be him but then I am reminded of reality and how he is another state happily married. A trainer from a distant also looked like him from a distant and then I had flashback of us in the gym. I totally felt like Heche from 3MSc and TGDT. I can also relate to how Bambi said something how people were meant to fall in love with each other but not stay or be together. Maybe I was meant to like Omar to help me realize I am somebody worth loving and there are people out their way WAY better then my infamous ex. If it wasn't for Omar, I would have never thought about pursuing my masters or move on from my ex and take chances. It is probably a good thing we never dated because if we broke up, I'd probably be really devastated for a long long time. Maybe, idk. I doubt he ever like me that, I think if he did, he would of asked me out and maybe he had a girlfriend that whole time. The last time I saw him, he did and I felt my heart sink to my stomach. I think if he ever did like me, it was probably like in a little sister type of way. I wish him and his wife the best. And I think Ben and I are meant to be and meant to find each other. He brings out the best in me and we are each other's perfect match.

Wednesday, June 10, 2015


Last Friday, I finished school and also last Monday my CSET scores came in but I haven't looked. I told myself I would on Monday night, after I watched Tengo Ganas De Ti but I was tired and didn't watch. I told myself Tuesday then, but I couldn't find the movie so now I am going to try and check tonight, I need to check since I need to sign up and see which tests I need to sign up for. Id be happy if I passed one but I didn't feel confident on any of my essay responses so looks like Ill be taking all 3 again. Monday night, I also had an interesting conversation with a classmate of mine, Javier. Javier kind of knows a little bit of what's up between Ben and I and asked how things are. I told him how I told Ben how I felt and how I am tired of going out with like every 3 months. He asked if Ben was shy or intimidated by me and I told him how I know Ben isn't shy and IDK if he is intimidated by me or not and how I don't see things changing between us. He said to give it time and how he would pray for me. It was nice and he even offered to help me study for my CSET which I might take him up on his offer and I can help him with the CBEST. I pray things work out with his girlfriend too since they were once engaged and now are on and off again. I also hope things between Ben and I change for the better. I also hope he gets the job he wants since he had an interview yesterday. I don't want to say anything to Ben and see if things change and that he really wants to got out with me but I also need to learn to speak my mind and tell people what I want because Ben isn't a mind reader and probably doesn't know what I want and how I feel unless I speak up. I'm giving him to July for him to ask me out before I say anything since he probably will have more job interviews this month and I have summer school also. Hopefully he at least tries.