Saturday, December 13, 2014

Finally Good News

Last night Ben and I texted throughout the night.  It was after 1 in the morning and I had six messages from Ben.  I wasn't sure if I was going to respond to his messages but I did. I asked if the school he was subbing at offered him a full time position yet but he said they were going to call him next week.  He then told me how his last day of his assignment was horrible because his freshman were bad.  I knew how he was feeling and didn't want to start any drama.  He did say how he was going to hang out with more during winter and how he had birthday and Christmas presents for me. I wonder if he only mentioned my birthday because of FB but at least he mentioned and I didn't have to. I do feel guilty complaining about him from time to time but can you blame me? I'm just glad we talked last night and there was finally good news and communication between us. Now I am kind of stressing over Ben's present. What if he doesn't like the electric razor or doesn't want one anymore? What if it sucks or doesn't work?  What if he has one already or someone gave him the same one.  It goes with the same thing with the apple picture frame/ornament I bought him too. What if someone gave it to him already or is going to give it to him? What picture would they use or would they even put a picture in it?  What if it makes him sad when he sees it because he didn't get hired full-time?  I hope he likes my presents!   

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Happy Birthday to Someone Else

Once again Ben forgot my unbirthday.  I give him two chances to celebrate my birthday and he never does.  I understand we were both busy but still he could at least sent me a cute birthday text.  And what really is pissing me off right now is how he was just tagged in a picture celebrating a girl's birthday.  Nor has he asked me out but keeps saying we will over winter break.  Yeah right! We didn't even hang out once in the summer when I retuned. I posted on my wall about how he forgot my birthday so maybe he will see it and figure it is about him.  Then he will ask me out but out of guilt, only this time I am going to call him out. I'm tired of this same old shit of waiting and only being asked out because of guilt. I want to be out asked genuinely.  But waiting to be asked out genuinely from Ben is like waiting for a miracle, it may or may not come. 

For the past two days he has been texting me also and asking if I got everything I wanted from Black Friday. I know he is trying to figure out what to get me for Christmas. Honestly, I really don't want anything. It is better to give then receive.  Besides, what about my birthday?! All I am asking if more time with Ben but he is always "busy."  I doubt he is also going to help me study for the CSET either or remembered that I wanted to see the Pompeii exhibit before it ends in January. If Ben claims to be my bf and a romantic, he wouldn't ask what I want. He would do something out of his heart and besides he should know I like Hello Kitty and heart jewelry or anything that has my university's logo and/or name. I guess the idea of wearing a pretty dress for Ben and going to out on a romantic date will always just be a dream...sigh... :/

Saturday, December 6, 2014

Pretty Dresses

I went to the mall today and I was reminded how my social and romantic life sucks. I saw couples shopping together. People shopping for their significant other. I saw pretty dresses like ones with sequences on displayed at fashion stores. Seeing these things made me sad.  I never spend time with Ben anymore and I wish I could wear pretty dresses for Ben. It would be nice to wear a sequence dress to meet his family on Christmas Day or New Year's Eve or a nice dress on a romantic date night but nope. I always buy nice dresses and tops in hopes to wear on a date that turns out to be the best date ever but they just collect dust in my closet. I remember Valentine's Day this year, I had a nice outfit picked out, a dress too, which is rare for me because usually I wear nice jeans and top but being V-Day I wanted to wear a dress but Ben was sick. The year before I also had an outfit picked out but Ben had class and he pissed me off. I have nice clothes but no one to wear it for...sigh :/  When I do go out, I forget I have these nice outfits because I'm in a rush to get ready since usually I go out the last minute. I need to go out more, even if it is not with Ben, he goes out with other people and to nice places with them! Why can't I do the same thing and also to get my options open in case Ben ends up being a waste of my time. I wish I could DTR publicly with my parents about Ben but it is embarrassing telling them my romantic life and also how we NEVER go out anymore.

 Watching A Cinderella Story right now, this movie never gets old. I wish something like that happened in my life. I wear a nice dress and meet my Prince Charming who sweeps me off my feet. I wish I could wear a pretty dress and make myself look beautiful for someone since I never did for my high school dances. And when Ben does ask me out, it's usually to the movies and who wants to wear a pretty dress to the movies...oh Ben what can't you be the romantic like you said you were...are you my Prince Charming Ben? And if not, where are you my Prince Charming??? 

Black Friday Bill

I'm not looking forward to my Black Friday bills, especially from VS! I spent so much money so I can get the Black Friday tote. It was cute but next year, I'm just going to get one or wait till Black Friday since shipping was free with $25 purchase on Black Friday.  I shopped early for the tote bag since I am an angel rewards holder and you had to spend $100 or more or buy an UGGS product to get free shipping, I did both.  So next week year, I'll just wait till Black Friday to get the tote and not buy more things I don't need to get free shipping and they still have free shipping right now but with a $50 minimum purchase, ugh and you can free blanket too with $75 purchase. So next year just one tote bag and wait till after Black Friday to see what freebies they have. I only spent more then anticipated at VS because some of my cousins from Mexico are coming over winter break and I could give them the VS totes I got, since I have  bout more so I can have 2 extra tote bags for them. VS is really big in Mexico and expensive. It's sad how people from the US buy VS products and resell them in Mexico for more money then what they paid. People actually sell the bags you get for free when you purchase inside the store and they ask for extras too! Also, I've seen stores in Mexico sell the body sprays and perfumes for way more money, like $30 for the body sprays that you can get for 7 for $35. What they paid for the whole thing is what they charge for one, it's sad how the culture in Mexico is all about appearances. People in Mexico spend their paychecks on overprice clothes like Hollister and Aeropostle and perfumes like VS that people buy cheap in the US and then resell to make a profit. It's sad and I could never do anything like that, especially to my family. I would either give it as a gift or sell it for the price I paid. 

I'm glad I am done with my Christmas list because I seriously can't afford to spend anymore money. I should be saving my money for school instead of spending it on crap I don't need. And my family and Ben would understand that I could not afford Christmas gifts this year but nope I spent my money like crazy. I'm seriously done with online shopping or any type of shopping for that matter, unless it's for school, like textbooks, which reminds I need to look into my textbook list for next term. I'm glad I got Ben's Christmas gift early this. It's an electric razor like he always wanted. I also got an apple picture frame/ornament from Kohl's for $4, not to bad. I just need to put a picture of him teaching in it before I wrap it. Sadly, I don't know when I will give it to him since we never have date night anymore. Hopefully, I get more sub jobs before the school district goes on winter break so I can pay off my bills from Black Friday!!!

Friday, December 5, 2014

Still the same...sigh

So during Thanksgiving Ben was been nice, a little to nice.  Maybe since he had the week off, he had more time to text me.  He even offered to help me by checking my final paper since he knew I was burnt out from the week before.  I finished four papers the week before. I declined since he didn't look over my papers the week before and I knew I was going to finish my paper late at night and I just wanted to submit it asap. I didn't want to wait around for Ben to read my paper like I did last time and I ended up submitting my papers without someone checking them. Ben also said how we should celebrate the end of my semester but only because one of my guy friends had posted that on my wall. if it weren't for FB, Ben wouldn't know know what I was up to or feeling or vice versa.  Though I noticed Ben hasn't posted much or been tagged since the Halloween picture incident.  

So I am done with school until January.  I'll be having a Saturday morning class too again.  This time at 7AM, not that it matters since Ben never goes out with me anymore. Hopefully, I'll have more time to go to the gym and channel my sadness over Ben into something positive at least.  Ben has also been texting me just about every night with messages like how he missed me and stuff, the usual.  It still doesn't make up for the lack of date night. I didn't even see him once in November and that was my birthday month too!!! I wonder if he will remember my fake birthday this month too, probably not since he didn't remember last year.  My guess is we'll go out once this month, most likely towards the end of the month and that will be his way of making up for my birthdays and Christmas and then the next date night will be the day before his birthday, in February, if I'm lucky. His birthday is on a Sunday so maybe he have plans already the whole weekend of his birthday.

I also failed my CSET too :( but I have another chance in January.  If I don't pass then, then I'm fcucked. I'll have to take a semester off and retake the test till I'll pass.  Ben offered to help me study over winter break but only because he saw how someone posted on my wall how they were going to help me study.  I'm not holding my breath for Ben's help nor am I going to ask for his help either.  He didn't even help me study for the test the first time around. I don't want to rely on people to check my papers or help me study anymore. It sucks waiting for help only to be forgotten...cough, cough...Ben. I want to be more independent and not rely on people like Ben or that Okcupid guy for help. I'm tired of things still being the same, especially with Ben. I need a better social and academic life come 2015.

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Midnight Text

Lately Ben has been taking me around midnight.  Mostly to send me a heart emoji and/or to say how he missed me.  Last night I was up at midnight and there was no text. I didn't think much until I woke up at 1:50 AM and saw he sent a message.

November 25, 2014 12:48 AM
Ben: Are you awake?

November 25, 2014 1:51 AM
Me: <3

Yesterday 12:06 AM
Ben: <3
Me: <3
Ben: You are my everything and I love you
Me: Emoji of happy face blowing a heart kiss

Looking at my conversations with Ben, it makes me wonder why he is being nice lately and why he messages me around midnight?  It probably has to do with work and how he probably takes a nap when he gets home and then grades afterwards. It's a nice gesture his midnight text because some days I have no idea what we are and how he feels for me.  I also wonder why he wanted to know if I was awake or not.  Maybe he wanted to talk on the phone or Skype or maybe he just wanted to talk more through iMessage.  And if he did want to talk, about what? Did he want to see how I was doing and how my final paper was going? Did he want to make plans to celebrate my birthday or birthdays?  Or maybe, just maybe, he wanted to dtr and make us official and invite me over for Thanksgiving?  I have mixed feelings about that.  I mean, I do want to dtr and make us official where friends and families know we are officially dating but I don't know if I am ready to dtr on Thanksgiving.  My parents would be shocked that's for sure because they think I'm single and Ben and me barely go out for them to think I'm not single.  My parents are very judgmental.  And then I don't know how long to say we have been dating for because even I don't know. Also, my parents would probably expect a proposal within a year of dtr.  I'm not kidding, they think if a guy doesn't propose after a year you are wasting your time. Maybe Ben and I would be expectation since neither one of us is in a position to get married since none of us is financial stable, sigh. Maybe tonight, I'll get another text from Ben wanting to talk. Hopefully I won't  be to tired or busy with my final paper. I still need to start and finish it!!! After I finish it, I can semi-relax and enjoy the break.  I'll just be worried about how I did on my classes and if I passed my CSET and also how I'm going to pay for my classes. 

I've also noticed that Ben has not posted a lot of things on FB or been tagged in pictures or status after the Halloween pictures he was tagged in. Maybe he tells people not to so I don't see and get mad again. Even though I called him out on my status and later denied it was for him, I'm sure he knew it was for him. It makes me wonder if he is hiding anything.  Maybe something did happen since he did delete those pictures from his wall.  Or he felt genuinely guilty after realizing how we hadn't seen each other since May.  Wouldn't you get mad or extremely pissed off if you hadn't seen your significant other in MONTHS when they are close to where you live and work and then they post pictures of them with the opposite sex all over them?! I sure put up a lot with someone who idk is my bf or not.  I know I'm not a great "GF" if that's what I am to Ben. But how can I be a gf when he doesn't let try to be and when we do go out, I'm pissed off at him most of the time.  Maybe tonight I'll find the answer to my questions.      

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Goodbye Omar, My Almost Lover

That little glimmer of hope that lay someone in my heart for Omar is now gone.  As I was thanking people who wished me a happy birthday, I came across Omar's post.  His post was one of the last birthday posts I saw before I went to bed and it made my birthday a little better as I drifted off sleep.  I told myself I would not look at his profile again until I was ready after I saw he was engaged.  I was ready to look at his profile because I wanted to know if just maybe, just maybe there was a chance, but nope.  I saw that he was married.  He was married in MARCH!!! He talked to me in June and I felt guilty wondering what could of been or thinking there was a chance this whole time while he was married! Seriously, he was already married when I talked to him! So now there is def no chance and I when he does cross my mind I think of something else quickly because he is officially gone.  It did make me sad seeing him married but I guess if he really did have for feeling for me, he prob would of said so or at least said so before he transferred jobs.  And no I don't wish that he gets divorce or anything like that, I wish him and his wife nothing but the best.  I'm forever grateful that he helped me get through my depression over my ex and help me move on.  If it weren't for him, I would of never pursued a master's degree either.  He was the one who sparked my interest in getting a master's degree even though my motivates at the time was to go to the same school as him for it but that was a different time.  I guessed he never liked me the way I did for him.  If anything, he probably would of friendzone me.  His wife is a very lucky person to have such a great guy like Omar and again, I wish his wife and him nothing but the best.  And maybe I had these feelings return because I barely get to see or talk to Ben.  I don't know but I do know there is no chance for Omar and me. I wish Ben and I could spend more time together so I can be a better "gf" but he never has time for me it seems like.

Goodbye, Omar.  Thank you being a friend to me when I needed someone.  You were the answer to my prayers and I am forever grateful.  Good luck in life and I hope you have a happy and blessed marriage.  Thank you Omar and goodbye, I wish you could of know what you meant to me and how you changed my life.  Goodbye Omar, my almost lover.