Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Midnight Text

Lately Ben has been taking me around midnight.  Mostly to send me a heart emoji and/or to say how he missed me.  Last night I was up at midnight and there was no text. I didn't think much until I woke up at 1:50 AM and saw he sent a message.

November 25, 2014 12:48 AM
Ben: Are you awake?

November 25, 2014 1:51 AM
Me: <3

Yesterday 12:06 AM
Ben: <3
Me: <3
Ben: You are my everything and I love you
Me: Emoji of happy face blowing a heart kiss

Looking at my conversations with Ben, it makes me wonder why he is being nice lately and why he messages me around midnight?  It probably has to do with work and how he probably takes a nap when he gets home and then grades afterwards. It's a nice gesture his midnight text because some days I have no idea what we are and how he feels for me.  I also wonder why he wanted to know if I was awake or not.  Maybe he wanted to talk on the phone or Skype or maybe he just wanted to talk more through iMessage.  And if he did want to talk, about what? Did he want to see how I was doing and how my final paper was going? Did he want to make plans to celebrate my birthday or birthdays?  Or maybe, just maybe, he wanted to dtr and make us official and invite me over for Thanksgiving?  I have mixed feelings about that.  I mean, I do want to dtr and make us official where friends and families know we are officially dating but I don't know if I am ready to dtr on Thanksgiving.  My parents would be shocked that's for sure because they think I'm single and Ben and me barely go out for them to think I'm not single.  My parents are very judgmental.  And then I don't know how long to say we have been dating for because even I don't know. Also, my parents would probably expect a proposal within a year of dtr.  I'm not kidding, they think if a guy doesn't propose after a year you are wasting your time. Maybe Ben and I would be expectation since neither one of us is in a position to get married since none of us is financial stable, sigh. Maybe tonight, I'll get another text from Ben wanting to talk. Hopefully I won't  be to tired or busy with my final paper. I still need to start and finish it!!! After I finish it, I can semi-relax and enjoy the break.  I'll just be worried about how I did on my classes and if I passed my CSET and also how I'm going to pay for my classes. 

I've also noticed that Ben has not posted a lot of things on FB or been tagged in pictures or status after the Halloween pictures he was tagged in. Maybe he tells people not to so I don't see and get mad again. Even though I called him out on my status and later denied it was for him, I'm sure he knew it was for him. It makes me wonder if he is hiding anything.  Maybe something did happen since he did delete those pictures from his wall.  Or he felt genuinely guilty after realizing how we hadn't seen each other since May.  Wouldn't you get mad or extremely pissed off if you hadn't seen your significant other in MONTHS when they are close to where you live and work and then they post pictures of them with the opposite sex all over them?! I sure put up a lot with someone who idk is my bf or not.  I know I'm not a great "GF" if that's what I am to Ben. But how can I be a gf when he doesn't let try to be and when we do go out, I'm pissed off at him most of the time.  Maybe tonight I'll find the answer to my questions.      

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Goodbye Omar, My Almost Lover

That little glimmer of hope that lay someone in my heart for Omar is now gone.  As I was thanking people who wished me a happy birthday, I came across Omar's post.  His post was one of the last birthday posts I saw before I went to bed and it made my birthday a little better as I drifted off sleep.  I told myself I would not look at his profile again until I was ready after I saw he was engaged.  I was ready to look at his profile because I wanted to know if just maybe, just maybe there was a chance, but nope.  I saw that he was married.  He was married in MARCH!!! He talked to me in June and I felt guilty wondering what could of been or thinking there was a chance this whole time while he was married! Seriously, he was already married when I talked to him! So now there is def no chance and I when he does cross my mind I think of something else quickly because he is officially gone.  It did make me sad seeing him married but I guess if he really did have for feeling for me, he prob would of said so or at least said so before he transferred jobs.  And no I don't wish that he gets divorce or anything like that, I wish him and his wife nothing but the best.  I'm forever grateful that he helped me get through my depression over my ex and help me move on.  If it weren't for him, I would of never pursued a master's degree either.  He was the one who sparked my interest in getting a master's degree even though my motivates at the time was to go to the same school as him for it but that was a different time.  I guessed he never liked me the way I did for him.  If anything, he probably would of friendzone me.  His wife is a very lucky person to have such a great guy like Omar and again, I wish his wife and him nothing but the best.  And maybe I had these feelings return because I barely get to see or talk to Ben.  I don't know but I do know there is no chance for Omar and me. I wish Ben and I could spend more time together so I can be a better "gf" but he never has time for me it seems like.

Goodbye, Omar.  Thank you being a friend to me when I needed someone.  You were the answer to my prayers and I am forever grateful.  Good luck in life and I hope you have a happy and blessed marriage.  Thank you Omar and goodbye, I wish you could of know what you meant to me and how you changed my life.  Goodbye Omar, my almost lover.  

Birthday

My birthday went fine.  So basically this is a recap of my birthday: 

Ben texted me the day before my birthday wanting to spend time with me for my birthday.  He said if I was busy or had plans already he would try for another time. I was still mad at Ben for not helping me study for my CSET exam and also doing what I don't like, which is making time out of guilt/obligations, especially for birthdays. 

 I didn't like how I hadn't seen Ben in MONTHS and when we did hang out, I felt it was out of guilt because of what was posted on his wall on FB. He was also making time for me only because it was my birthday, if it wasn't, he prob. wouldn't even have asked me out.  Also, had it not been for those FB pictures, I'm sure I still would not have seen him since May.  Which is kind of a long time for someone who is freaking close to where you live and work! But yet he always has time for others. Anyways back to my birthday recap.  So I told Ben how my birthday wasn't till next month but then he said he now just expects to celebrate my birthday twice.  Which I find kind of comical, since we didn't celebrate my birthday twice last year.  He then added how he wanted to spend my birthday with me but yet I can't really with him because he has so many friends so I had to settle for the day before for his last birthday.  But then I guessed he fell asleep and didn't text me back. 

I woke up around 4 AM and checked my phone and no shock there was no midnight missed call or text for Ben.  I checked my FB and no birthday post from him either.  I wished a friend who had the same birthday as me a happy birthday and went back to sleep.  When I woke up and got ready I went to iHop and received free pancakes because it was my birthday and also a free drink of my size choice too at Starbucks. So I enjoyed the birthday freebies throughout the day.  The weather was nice too and I also didn't have any homework to worry about either.  Throughout the day I received texts and wall posts of happy birthday from various friends but none from Ben.

Later, at a family dinner that I chose at a restaurant that was close to Ben's house incase he wanted to hang and I was in the mood to see him but he never did invite me out.  He did text me after dinner when my family stopped at Costco to get groceries.  Which is close to him too!  He said he wanted to invite me but he wasn't in the mood because he had a really bad day at work, which is understandable.  Somehow the conversation lead to how he celebrates my birthday twice a year and how he wishes me a happy birthday twice a year too.  I called him out on that.  He didn't wish me a happy birthday twice last year nor did we celebrate it twice.  I was just lucky enough that we did once last year.  It seems like every year I see Ben less and less too. :/  After Costco, I went home and watched TV and went to bed, and that was birthday cap.  So it wasn't bad like other birthdays expect for the fact knowing I need to get my own insurance now.

So I will see if Ben celebrates my birthday at all after this week when I am done with school.  He hasn't asked me out yet but he'll prob justify it with how he knew I was busy with school, even though I could of made time for him or the thought of it would of  it would of been nice even if I was busy if he asked.  Only time will tell.  I have a funny feeling he will forget (like he did my other birthday) or it will be the only time we will spend with each other throughout winter break and for months to come...sigh... :/ 

One More

I just have one more paper left to go till this hell term is over with.  I was proud of myself for doing my work early at the start of term but once the issues started with my previous host school all hell broke loose.  Oh well, everything happens for a new reason and I was found a much better school for the remainder of the term.  I'm glad my professors were understanding about my situation so I was able to turn in papers later in the term.  I was worried about my first three papers since my professor never really said when to turn it and I turned it in a week after the third paper was due and a week later then what I wanted but when I think about it, I did three major papers over 12 pages each in about 2 weeks after I did observations.  My prof said I did a good job on the third one and was glad I wrote a good paper for being behind, lol.  I was afraid to submit them because I didn't know if the professor was going to take them or what he was going to say but luckily my prof was understanding.   I was also afraid to submit it because I had no one to look at them.  I asked the OkCupid but he was busy and Ben said he would look at it but he never gave me feedback before I submitted them.  So idk if Ben looked at them or not, I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't.

My professor graded the third one first since it is the same format as the final one.  I wish there was a sample one to look at but he is not allowed to provide one.  That was the same with my other class too.  My other class, the final paper was 10 pages but idk if I did it right, if I answered anything, or if I forgot something.  Hopefully I did a good job.  I just want to pass my two classes because I can't afford to take them again.  I need to get going on my final paper because the sooner I finish, I can have someone hopefully look at it, then submit it, and then enjoy my break until the next term starts in January. 

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Bombed It

I so bombed my test on Saturday...sigh looks like I'll be taking a semester off.  Even if I did study better I honestly don't think I would of passed but now I have an idea of what to prepare for next time I take it.  It also didn't help that other people who were taking it, it was there 2nd or 3rd attempt.  It sucks because I missed Hello Kitty Con and Dia De Los Muertos events too since it fell on the same weekend as then.  Oh well, it's my fault.  I'm a little disappointed that Ben never even offered to help, I'm not blaming him for my failure but it would of been nice if he at least offered.  I'm sure he was busy with more Halloween parties that he never offers to invite me to.  He did message me a heart message close to 10 but I didn't respond since I was studying and I was afraid I might latch out at him since I'm really stressed and emotional with everything that's been happening with school.

After I finished my test on Saturday and turned my phone back on there was a message from Ben:

Ben: Good luck on your test today my love <3 12:48 PM
-Honestly, I thought he forgot that I had my test that Saturday since we never study together nor did he offer to.  If I pass by some miracle then I know I can be independent and not have to rely on people like Ben.  I also didn't respond because I had just finished knowing that I bombed my exam and Ben never offered to help like he said he would and once again he just told me what I wanted to hear on our date night which he probably only did out of guilt from the FB pictures.  He said too on our last date night he was going to have more time for me and was planning to do more with me but nope, nada.  He couldn't even help me study for an exam! I don't even want to look at his FB profile bc seeing his Halloween pictures will make me cra-cra at this point and I don't need that.    

Ben: How did it go today? 10:12PM
-I was asleep but seriously if I was awake I would be in no mood to talk about.

Ben: I miss you 11:56 PM
-Lately I'm starting to find it hard to believe this.  If you really missed me then you wouldn't make me wait MONTHs for a FREAKING DATE NIGHT!!!  I don't even know if I should even consider him a bf at this point?!

Me: I don't want to talk about it 3:40 AM
-So I message Ben so he knows what's up and I haven't heard from him at all.  It is prob a good thing since I'm on the edge of having a nervous breakdown and I'll just snap at him.  He prob thinks I am mad at him since we never study together.  I'm not mad, just disappointed but I shouldn't rely on him or others to help me study nor do I blame him for my exam failure.  Next time, I'm going to study more and not tell Ben about my next exam.  I can do things on my own. 

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Not Ready

I am not ready for my test this Saturday.  I have not study and there is so much to know.  I'm worried what is going to happen if I don't pass.  It is going to effect next term that's for sure.  I'll prob won't be able to take classes bc I need that test for those classes and I'll lose my fin aid for good since I am already on academic probation with them...sigh...October was not a good month for me that's for sure.  It was emotionally draining because I fell behind in school which was out of my control and then I come home dead tired from work and then when I wake up I either need to get ready for work and/or finish homework.  I thought Ben would help me study too but nope.  He just once again just told me what I wanted to hear on date night.  Oh well, I shouldn't rely on him to help me study or help with school, I need to stop relying on people and become independent. 

I'm also really not looking forward to my birthday either.  I'll be wondering how badly did I fail my test and how f***ed I'll be next term.  Then I will also loose all my insurances too and I have no benefits at work and I can' afford insurance on my own.  All the fake niceness and attention will also piss me off and drive me nuts.  A person shouldn't have to wait for their birthday or Valentine's Day for this type of attention.  People should do it out of the kindness of their heart throughout the year and not just holidays and birthdays.  I don't mind people posting me on my wall but don't expect me to take you out and treat you on your birthday.  Ben hasn't mention my birthday either.  Lol, I wonder if he still thinks my birthday is a different month.  Anyways, he'll most likely be working on my birthday since he got another long term assignment job.  Then he will come home and nap till 6 PM.  By the time he wakes up I'll be way over my birthday and in no mood to celebrate my birthday any longer by the time he gets ready which can be anywhere from7:30-8:30. 

I think I am going to keep my birthday to myself this year.  I'll be depressed with everything around school and the attention and niceness will just get me mad I'll latch out at whoever is by me.  I think I'm just going to turn my phone off  for the day&keep it off the whole day.  I don't want to see invites from people that I have not seen or spoken to in a while to hang with them and celebrate my birthday with them.  I think I am going to go to a museum exhibit and spend my birthday their away from everyone.  Ben will prob be working anyways to want to go with me, I wouldn't be surprise if he has seen the exhibit, and if he does want to see with me he'll never follow through and the exhibit will be gone by January 4th.  I pray that a miracle happens and I pass my test and have a decent birthday for once.  If it does, I will promise to pay it forward in the future when I am financially stable and teaching somehow and in someway. 

Monday, October 27, 2014

Let It Go

I texted Ben early Friday morning saying how I needed help studying for my exam.  He responded how he was willing to help and as we ended up having a date night for Friday.  He remembered how I wanted to The Book of Life.  So we saw it.  Mind you the pictures that I saw on his profile were lingering in the back of mind.  He probably knew since he brought it up.  He asked if I was mad at him and I told him I was not.  He then asked if I was mad at him earlier this week and I told him no even though I told a little white lie.  At this point, I just happy to be with him since I had not seen him in months.  It was just nice to be with him and forget about all the problems I have been having.  He told me how he saw my post and thought it was about him since he had been at a party and there was pictures posted.  He did admit going to the party and how he went because they were high school friends and many he hadn't seen in awhile.  He said he thought that was post was about him and did not want to text me because he thought I was mad at him.  Yeah I was mad about the whole picture thing but it turns out the mermaid was one of his friends I had met at the wedding.  I feel a little better but it still suxs that we barely have date night and the only way to get his attention is to rant on fb.  But I'm just going to let things on and focus on things that really matter like school because when I am applying for jobs they are not going to care if I was having romantic issues when looking at my transcripts.