Sunday, July 5, 2015

The Mind

Yesterday I went to wish someone a happy birthday on FB and then saw how Ben had been out at venue. I was a little mad because a part of me felt mad because I saw this summer being a repeat of last history. I know he is going through a tough time and I am giving him time to find himself, it still hurt me so when he texted me a heart I was little mad but I let it go and sent him one back and didn't think much of it because I thought that would be the end of that conversation and was surprised that he wanted to see me since it was kind of late for me and I had just gotten home and was trying to sort the items I sold on eBay. Then he asked if I wanted to take a break and do something. I asked him what he had in mind and he said suggested Starbucks, I honestly did not see him inviting me out and wished he had something earlier other wise I would of said yes and I had just finished an ice coffee. I also didn't have a car to meet him and he even offered to bring me Starbucks to my house. I told him how it was late but asked him what he was doing next week and he said how we could hang out on Sunday or Monday or Tuesday. He then told me how he talked to someone about how he is feeling and what he is going through, and it broke my heart with what he told me. He first told me why he offered me Starbucks and if it sounded weird (which it didn't, if anything, it just caught me off guard) because the person he talked to told him how if he wants to get over being depressed, he needs to start being active again even if it is spontaneous like bringing Starbucks. He then told me how he loves me a lot and how he knows little things get in the way but how he will never stopped loving me. <3 He said issues like his shyness, depression, body issues, and money problems make him scare to go out because he is afraid of being judged by people he should be close with, like me. This broke my heart, because I didn't know he felt this way and I felt guilty always being mad at him for not inviting me out. The next thing he told me really broke my heart. He told me how his mind tells him that he is not good enough for me and that he is scared that when we see each other I'll realize that and leave because he always pictured me out of his league. So now I understand why he doesn't invite me out as much because he is afraid I'll leave him when I see him. I feel bad because I had no clue he felt like that and if anything, I thought he would leave me for someone prettier or more interesting or smarter. He also added how he has self esteem issues and still thinks I am out of his league because he always pictured me out of his league. I never imaged I would be out of someone's league and like him, always picture every guy out of my league. He said how the person he talked to told him how he needs to get over this thinking because it can be detrimental to our relationship. He went on to say how he still thinks that and that I'd probably want a famous soccer player or something before me. This mad me feel bad also because as much as I would like to marry my one of my celebrity crushes, I would always wonder if they were faithful or not and I don't think I would be pretty enough for one of them. And I want to be my own person and not be known as so and so's wife. I told him I'm happy to have hi  and why we are a perfect match. He then said he felt bad for being a bad boyfriend because of his self esteem and self doubt issues but he wants to change it. He said also how we might have met at the wrong time in our lives but we are working through it and how if he had a job he knows we'd see each other more. I'm glad we had this talk and I learned I shouldn't be show judgmental and how we all have our issues that we are trying to get through. I have my issues like Ben has his. Now I won't be mad if we don't see each other all the time because I know why. If anything, I thought he would leave me and while I was thinking that he was thinking the same thing. I hope things get better for the both of us. <3

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Weird Funk

Tuesday, June 16th, I Face Time with Ben. It was night and it helped me understand Ben better. Monday night, he sent me a link of a personality test and I took it and he said we were a perfect match. I looked at the characteristic traits of his results and I teased him how he doesn't like commitment and how he is probably cheating on me and how this would explain why we don't go out as much. I guess this hurt his feelings because he told me how he would never cheat on me. He even wanted to Face Time to clear things up but I had fallen asleep by then. So Tuesday night, we Face Time. I felt bad how I had hurt his feeling and he told me how he is going through a weird funk right now because he is sad about how he is having a hard time finding a job. I understand what he is going through and will give him time and space. I wont give him a timeline to change and I'm glad we talk because now I understand him better. He said he is sad and has no energy and wants to stay in bed all the time. He hasn't even really hung out with his friends either. I told him how I am going through something too. I told him how I am stressed about bills and my next test and school. I even got him to join Pinterest and I think he got scared when he saw my board about how guys suck and told me how he doesn't want me to think that he takes me for granted and how he was hoping for a job by now so we could move forward in our relationship. So now I feel better about Ben and I. Then on Monday, he sent me a text and told me how he didn't get his dream job. This made me sad because I thought he would be offer a position for sure since and even he doesn't know why he didn't get a job offer. I felt bad when I saw the message and wanted to give him a hug right then and there. It makes me worried that if he is struggling to get a job then I definitely will have struggle, especially with interviews. Hopefully he gets something by the time school starts up again. On Tuesday that OkCupid guy text me out of nowhere. I talked to him briefly. We basically just talked about school and he told me how he is almost done and asked about my tests. I told him I still need to pass them and how I can't take classes in the fall if I don't pass my exam next month. After that I didn't keep the conversation going. I didn't like how the last time we talked and I told him my goals for the future and he criticized them. Even though he was trying to be honest with me, I didn't like. I believe I can do it. Even now he will criticize the school I go and what I am pursuing right now. I am glad I have Ben because he supports my dreams and goals in life. I also feel things are great between Ben and I and I don't need ever need to meet this OkCupid guy in the future. Also, on Tuesday, I bought the charm bracelet that Ben had given me for my birthday/Christmas. I lost it a couple of months ago at work and it made me sad when I lost it. I finally found it on eBay on Tuesday and made an offer for $15 and it was accepted. The seller wanted $18.88 but had or best offer so I made a reasonable offer and I was happy when it was accepted within seconds after I submitted. I didn't think the seller would respond so soon. So now I am happy and can't wait for it to come. I missed wearing it because it reminded me of Ben. This time I am going to be extra careful because I doubt I will find that bracelet again for that price. I am also being more careful with my money because I am not working but I don't regret that bracelet because I bought it out of love. I am also trying to study for my exam, but like Ben, I am in a weird funk too. The second time I took, I almost passed an exam but missed it by 3 points. The third time I took, I wasn't close and it is discouraging. I try to study and I have no motivation or energy. I study for a little bit and then I either fall asleep or go on Pinterest. I also don't know how and what to study for. I study this and then I am ask something else and completely random. Hopefully I pass because I don't know what I am going to do in the fall and I want to be done with school by March but at this point I feel like I will never pass my exam. :/ Last night I went to the gym and took a yoga class. It was nice and it helped me forget about my problems. However in the parking lot I was reminded of Omar because I saw a car that had an alumni license plate frame of where Omar went and it reminded me of how Omar's car had the sticker of the college he went to and for a brief moment I thought it could be him but then I am reminded of reality and how he is another state happily married. A trainer from a distant also looked like him from a distant and then I had flashback of us in the gym. I totally felt like Heche from 3MSc and TGDT. I can also relate to how Bambi said something how people were meant to fall in love with each other but not stay or be together. Maybe I was meant to like Omar to help me realize I am somebody worth loving and there are people out their way WAY better then my infamous ex. If it wasn't for Omar, I would have never thought about pursuing my masters or move on from my ex and take chances. It is probably a good thing we never dated because if we broke up, I'd probably be really devastated for a long long time. Maybe, idk. I doubt he ever like me that, I think if he did, he would of asked me out and maybe he had a girlfriend that whole time. The last time I saw him, he did and I felt my heart sink to my stomach. I think if he ever did like me, it was probably like in a little sister type of way. I wish him and his wife the best. And I think Ben and I are meant to be and meant to find each other. He brings out the best in me and we are each other's perfect match.

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

July

Last Friday, I finished school and also last Monday my CSET scores came in but I haven't looked. I told myself I would on Monday night, after I watched Tengo Ganas De Ti but I was tired and didn't watch. I told myself Tuesday then, but I couldn't find the movie so now I am going to try and check tonight, I need to check since I need to sign up and see which tests I need to sign up for. Id be happy if I passed one but I didn't feel confident on any of my essay responses so looks like Ill be taking all 3 again. Monday night, I also had an interesting conversation with a classmate of mine, Javier. Javier kind of knows a little bit of what's up between Ben and I and asked how things are. I told him how I told Ben how I felt and how I am tired of going out with like every 3 months. He asked if Ben was shy or intimidated by me and I told him how I know Ben isn't shy and IDK if he is intimidated by me or not and how I don't see things changing between us. He said to give it time and how he would pray for me. It was nice and he even offered to help me study for my CSET which I might take him up on his offer and I can help him with the CBEST. I pray things work out with his girlfriend too since they were once engaged and now are on and off again. I also hope things between Ben and I change for the better. I also hope he gets the job he wants since he had an interview yesterday. I don't want to say anything to Ben and see if things change and that he really wants to got out with me but I also need to learn to speak my mind and tell people what I want because Ben isn't a mind reader and probably doesn't know what I want and how I feel unless I speak up. I'm giving him to July for him to ask me out before I say anything since he probably will have more job interviews this month and I have summer school also. Hopefully he at least tries.

Like

Last Wednesday, I changed my profile picture on FB. I finally had a picture that I liked and decided to change it while watching TV after work. It was before noon so I didn't expect many likes on my picture. I expected 15 at the most. Throughout the day I kept getting notifications of people liking my picture which was pleasing. It was nice to see friends who I haven't seen or heard from a while like my picture. While checking my notifications on the recent people who liked my picture, I saw that Omar was one. It totally caught me off guard since he would be one of the last people I would think of to like my picture. I don't think he has ever like my status or any of my pictures for that matter, so when I saw his name and picture it was a little bit of a shock. Especially since I am trying to get over him and move on. I went on his profile page to see if there was anything recent I could like on his profile but I didn't see anything. I also felt a little weird being on his profile page and quickly went back onto mine. I saw that he now does half marathons with his wife and I wonder who and what made him start doing those. I know he is happily married, but a part of me whish he lived near me so I could have someone to help motivate me again, even if it was working out with his wife, at least I would have a new friend possibly but I would never tell her how I felt about her husband, that would be awkward and unnecessary. Maybe Omar has a cousin or something but I wonder if family events would be weird for me. Oh well, there is nothing I could do now expect let him go and move on.

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Trying

So ever since I kind of went off on Ben and told him I felt about, he has been trying to ask me out more. Last week he kept trying, but the days he asked me I had worked and he also asked me last Friday, but I had work and then he asked what time I was off but I told him I had school also. He asked me out on Sunday, but I had family over. He hasn't asked me out since Sunday but he probably knows that I am pretty much working all this week and how Friday is my last day of class for this term. I feel bad because I just told him how I feel and now that he's trying, I am busy. Right now, a part of me is also wondering if he is asking me out because he wants to or because I said something? Is Ben trying going to continue and grow into more dates or will it fade until I say something again? My CSET results came last night, but I haven't checked yet, I know in my heart I probably didn't pass once again. I didn't feel confident with any of my responses to the essay portions. :/ Hopefully I pass in July so I don't have any more delays with finishing. I also won't relay on anyone, especially Ben for help to study. I wonder what this summer will be like, especially between Ben and I? We will even go out this summer?

Sunday, May 24, 2015

Off My Chest

So last Thursday night I got some things off of my chest to Ben. I felt kind of bad since he is sick in bed right now but on the other hand it felt kind of freeing to get it off of my chest. I think what triggered it was earlier in the week I was at a furniture store and the TVs were playing music videos and one of the videos playing was Youngblood Hawke's We Come Running songs and it reminded me how I wanted to see them perform and Ben asked me out the following week. So that triggered some emotions and then it began to build more when watching Arranged and Married At First Sight because like some of the individuals on the show, I too question Ben's feeling and more then anything I want to be swept off my feet and have someone romanticized me. If it weren't for school, I would probably see Ben less then I do now. So I had asked to meet Ben Friday morning before I had work and he was sick so I wasn't mad and then as we started messaging back and forth I kind of snapped and got some things off my chest. Ben had said how he missed me and wanted to see me soon and then I said how we only have date night like every three months to which he replied how he knows. This definitely triggered something because um hello?! if you know, then why don't you do something about it?! He then asked what days I was free for the following week and I told him I was either free Tuesday or Thursday but I wasn't sure and also I still have school and have another big project I need to do. He then asked about Friday and then I told him how I have work and school. He once again forgot I school on Friday and not that it matters because we don't go out really anymore. He then asked when I would what day I was free next week because he really wants to see me next me. Then I replied how I wasn't sure what day yet and how with him how he always says next week and then it turns into months. Then Ben said how he could see I was upsetting me and how we could talk about this another time. I told him I didn't mean to be a bitch but how I just want to spend more time with him because eventually I want him to meet my parents but they are very judgmental and would think its weird how we only got out once every couple of months. He agreed and then added how he thinks its weird meeting me at places like Costco or the movie theaters and then this pissed me off. I only meet him here because sometimes I come straight there from work or I miss him so badly that I try to see him whenever I can even if it means meeting somewhere "weird" to Ben and even if its just for a moment. That kind of hurt and pissed me off and then I brought up the summer and how I don't want to not see him for an entire summer like last summer and I mentioned how I didn't seem him until October. He said he was sorry about that and how he is trying to save money and get his life straightened out. Okay...but um it sure doesn't seem like that on FB. That is another thing I need to get off my chest one of these days. So before last summer, the last time I saw was in May and that was for a school project and then summer went by and I didn't see him and then September and then almost October. And the only reason why he even asked me out in October because of what I posted on FB, which said something like this, "You are always too busy for me but never for others, go fcuk yourself!!!" And this was in to response to the picture I had seen on his FB profile so basically he just asked me out that time out of guilt. Then he only asked me in December because once again I posted something on FB in response to what I saw on his FB profile. He was celebrating someone's birthday but yet he didn't even wished me a happy birthday on my actual or unhappy birthday. He allegedly wanted to do something on my birthday but he said he had a bad at work, IDK if it's true or not. And he never brought up my birthday again until I posted on FB how birthdays are not meant to be forgotten and so that's pretty much why he asked me in December. Then January passed and then February came. I didn't offer to do anything for Ben's birthday, not that it matter because he already had plans and then he asked me for Valentine's Day but I was sick but if Valentine's Day wasn't in February he probably wouldn't have asked. Then I saw him either towards the end of February or beginning of March but that was to run a presentation for me and like I said, if it weren't for school, I wouldn't see that munch. Then I saw him sometime in April to look at results and then I was emotional wreck so I ruined that date and that was the last time I saw him. So this school year, I've only seen Ben four times, wow. Anyways back to the story, so Ben then asked again about seeing me next week then I said how we could have our next date in August but if that was to soon, then December. He picked up on my sarcasm and told me how he will try to see more of me and how he tries to text me everyday so I know that he is thinking of me and how great and amazing I was. But for all I know, he could be saying this to three other girls right now. So now a part of me feels good that I got this off of my chest and then a part of me now thinks if he does ask me out, he is doing it out of guilt and not asking me out genuinely. I want to feel like his girlfriend but right now I feel like how I always do with guys, just some girl they ask when no one else is available or have finally reached the end of their contacts or remember I exist. Next school year I am not putting up with this bs. If he doesn't even try to see me in the summer I am going to be pissed and then when schools starts again and if doesn't even try I am done. I wouldn't be mad if we didn't see each other because we are busy with school and work but only if Ben at least tried to see me at least one a month but if he keeps saying he is busy and then posting pictures of him having a great time then in December I am done. I am not going to put up with this in 2016. I am getting old and I don't want to be wasting my time with someone who doesn't care. I'm tired of not feeling like his girlfriend and then seeing him always out on FB while I have to see it and be reminded of how we have only seen each 4 times, 4 times!!!! I bet if I asked to name our last three dates, he couldn't. I guess for now, only time will tell.

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Meeting Mom

Last Thursday night Ben wanted to FaceTime but my phone was low on batteries and I was letting someone use my charger and my tablet had no batteries too. Usually I charge my phone at night and the one time I am low on batteries, Ben wants to Facetime me. He brought up the museum and how he will make sure we will go before the Hello Kitty exhibit before it ends but I doubt it. I hinted how I wanted to go to the exhibit this Saturday because for $25 you can decorate your own Hello Kitty and it includes an admission ticket but he hasn't mention anything yet. :/ He did invite me to Disneyland for yesterday but I had to do something for school. He was taking his mom to Disneyland for her birthday and for Mother's Day so I would feel like a third wheel and I would feel awkward when it comes to rides that are for two people. But at least he got to spend time with his mom which he mentioned he wants me to met eventually. I hope he didn't think I didn't want to got to Disneyland because he was taking his mom but I would rather have been there then working on a big school project due this Friday. It was sweet that he said he wanted me to go since his mom said he could bring whoever he wanted. Now I wonder if he brought someone since I couldn't go, ugh I don't want to check his FB because every time I look I get pissed off looking at his pictures because they just remind of how little time we spend together. I think I would be hurt if he brought a female companion and didn't tell me.