Monday, August 25, 2014

Making an Effort

So Ben is kind of making an effort when it comes to us.  Though a part of me feels like it is only because I have been on FB lately.  He has been messaging me more ever since my friend's post on my wall and when I liked his new profile picture last night.  His effort is at least a start.

Aug. 23, 2014, 9:15 PM
Ben: I miss you

Aug 23, 2014 9:50PM
Me: <3
-I wasn't sure what to say since I was still pissed off about the FB pictures, so I just sent a heart.

Ben: I get paid soon so I'm ready to take you out :) It feels good to actually be making money
-I'm not holding my breath on this.  I have heard this many times how we are going to out soon but we never do.  And it is not like we need to go some where that cost money.  We can go for a hike for example. 

Aug 24, 2014, 7:01 PM
Ben: <3
         I went swimming today! (Also included a picture of him by a pool.)
-I didn't respond to this message because that text told me he was free.  He could of invited me out someone but nope.  After this, I spent some time on FB, liking and commenting on things.  I even liked his new profile picture but it was also to send a message that I do look at your profile. 

Aug. 24, 2014, 9:55 PM
Me: <3

Aug. 24, 2014,  10:38 PM
Ben: <3
        What are you doing? We should FaceTime
-I'm surprised he actually suggested this.  I can't remember the last time we FaceTime and he has work in the morning.  I wished we did but I was dead asleep and saw his messages hours later.  Besides, he has had so many chances to FaceTime me and now he decides to try.  Why not when I first came back from vacation?!

Aug. 24, 2014, 11:17 PM
Ben: I miss you

Aug. 24, 2014, 11:53 PM
Ben: I love you

Ben is showing more of an effort to me.  I also feel a little guilty that he feels he has to save money but then again he does go out with other people! He also told me that his mom broke her leg, so I do feel guilty about that.  He is probably taking care of her since she can't work and doing things for her.  I hope Ben is really being sincere and making an effort because he wants to and not because of what goes on in FB.  

Friday, August 22, 2014

Trip to the Gym

Last night after watching a movie on Netflex, I was wondering if Ben still had his FB account deactivated or not.  I logged on and saw that he had reactivated it, so I looked at his profile to see what he has been up to since he has yet to invite me out.  What I saw pissed me off, I mean really pissed me off!!! He was out last weekend according to the pictures and his friends girls were all over him.  It is like they know that I am going to see his pictures and get pissed off, well it worked! I wouldn't be mad if they were from when I was on vacation or if he at least tried to make an effort with a date night but come on, they were from last week!!! I'm so pissed off, this is pretty much the straw that broke the camels back for me.

While I was on FB one of my friends message me.  I told him how we should catch up so I can tell him about my vacation and how he should help me study for an exam I need for work and school.  It was after 10:30 when we were messaging each other so there was a good chance that Ben would see our conversation and I'm pretty sure he did since he actually texted me.  I didn't respond since I was pissed off at him and the only reason why he texted me was because I was on FB so it just felt like he was texting me out of guilt and obligation.  The text was also an answer to a text that I had sent him 26 hours earlier too!!! I wanted him to feel what I feel every time he ignores my text.  He even texted me later that night which I just responded with a heart message hours later.  He didn't even try to schedule in a date night for this weekend either which tells me he has plans already.  I'm sure I'll get to see what he does this weekend on FB too!

Aug. 20, 2014, 8:49 PM
Me: How long are you subbing for?

Aug 21, 2014, 10:47
Ben: <3
        I'm subbing for about 3 months

Aug 21, 2014, 11:17 PM
Ben: But the school is noticing me and are considering taking me on full time

Ben: If that happens I'm moving out

Aug 22, 2014, 2:54 PM
Me: <3

I'm really ticked off at Ben.  He calls me his "girlfriend" but yet he doesn't even treat me like a girlfriend.  I feel more like one of his friend girls but then again maybe not since they get to spend more time with him.  I plan on going to the gym every week to get back in shape, feel good about myself and get a nicer body.  Hopefully I can meet new friends so I have more people to talk to and hang out with.  I'm not really looking for love, just people to interact with but whatever happens, happens.  If I do end things with Ben for good, which at this point I am getting close to, I want to look damn good so he can see what he was missing whenever he blew me off. 

 I'm also trying to text that OkCupid guy less.  I'm sure he is tired of me texting him with just my problems.  I did invite him out once, but he was busy.  The other day he did ask me how many other people I text in a day which I told him I didn't know because I don't really know.  It just depends on what kind of day I am having.  Some days I will get a lot of people that will text me because they want to hang out but I feel just like a last resort when they do that though.  I asked him why and he said he was just wondering.  Kind of weird, random, and suspicious.  I haven't texted him since Wednesday after that text.  I think maybe he is tired of me texting him and never bringing up how we should hang.  I'll just wait till he texts me. 

So in a few hours, I plan on going to the gym and not bring my phone.  I won't be tempted to text the OkCupid guy and I won't be as mad when I see that Ben has never texted me with anything.  If I'm lucky, I'll meet someone new to talk to and hang out with.  Nothing romantically, or at least not yet.  I want this school year to be memorable, like my last year in community college.  And that all started with a trip to the gym, so a trip to the gym will be good for me. 

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Wasting My Time

Ben has gotten himself a long term teaching position.  I don't know what grade and for how long.  I just know it is at a high school.  I am happy for him even if it means no more summer romance for us.  Oh wait, we never really had one.  So it is safe to say I'm never going to get a whole day with him or even just a decent date.  I like to go out on weekdays when I can because their is less people but know I won't be able to now because he is working.  Even though we could tec go out at night, he would probably be to tired or busy prepping.  And then there is "Friday Night Lights" and he will want to go to the football games to show his school spirit.  And like I said before, it isn't my idea of a date night.  Freezing and sitting on a cold bench for a couple of hours, no thanks, I'll pass.  He hasn't even brought up a date night either lately so I'm bummed and pissed off about that too.  I don't even know what to do at this point.  And then their is that OkCupid guy who always wants to hang.  He always  responds to my text messages and is their when I need someone to talk to.  I send Ben the same text messages when I need someone to talk to but more then half just get ignored.  I know he can't always respond because of work but sometimes a little heart message will do.  I think I have gotten two of those since I've been back from vacation.  I can't wait around forever hoping that Ben will be the romantic he claims to be.  I think I might just be wasting my time with Ben.      

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Back to How Things Were

I've been home for a little over a week now and things are getting back to the way they were.  For starters, school drama once again.  While I was on vacation, I tried to register for classes and couldn't because I needed some type of clearance.  Every time I tried to e-mail my counselor, it kept coming back as undelivered.  When I got home, I was finally able to send an e-mail to my counselor and get cleared even though why I wasn't cleared in the first place remains a mystery.  However, all the times I wanted for my classes were closed and I was left taking a class Wednesday night and Saturday morning.  Yes, that is right, Saturday morning (fun :/).  I wouldn't mind just taking the Saturday class since that would leave me the whole week to get assignments done and read since it is a hard class but I needed another class in order to qualify for a loan and fin aid.  If I had the money, I would just take the one class, but I don't.  I don't even have money yet from fin aid or the loan since I need to write an appeal letter explaining why I dropped a class last term and my counselor needs to fill a form, which I have no clue if she has or not and I have yet to write a letter.  And payment is due next week!!! :(  Part of me wants to leave this master/teaching program and find a different one while I still wouldn't be in too much debt from this University but another part of me wants to finish it because so many people do not want me at this University to being with.  I still long and hope to get a master's degree related to anthropology and have an anthropology job.  Getting a teaching credential would help because I could be a professor and that could open the doors to an anthropology job in the far future.  Well for now, I just need a miracle for cash pronto!!!

As for Ben and I, things are still the same.  Seriously, not much has changed.  I haven't seen him since June, and that was only because I needed him for a school assignment.  We still have yet to go a date.  Nor have we had our "whole day to ourselves date" either.  I don't think we will either any time soon.  He did text me a lot the first couple of days since I got back, with messages like "I miss you" and "I want to see," but now he is back to his usual texting me whenever.  He is working at a concert venue, so I can understand him being tired all day but I'm not getting my hopes up for any type of date soon.

The annual fair is coming up also and I'm not getting my hopes up this year with going with Ben.  He crushed me but not inviting me last year like he said he would and  he crushed me even more when I saw on FB that he had gone to a different fair a month earlier with some girl.  I mean, seriously, he doesn't treat me like a girlfriend the way I thought he would.  I have never had a day to myself with him and I'm lucky if I get a date with him once a month.  All his friends seem to spend more time with him and go to these cool places with Ben when I am supposedly his girlfriend all I get is a message here and there and false hopes of a romantic date night.  There are so many places I would like to go and see and do with him if we ever had a day to ourselves.  But I know we will never have one because he only hung out with me once during winter break and that was on the last weekend so I am sure summer will be the same.  I will be super busy in the fall so date night will def not be happening.  I thought things would be different and better when I returned from vacation, but it is not.  Everything just seems to be getting worse, from school to Ben...sigh ... :/ 

Friday, July 4, 2014


So it looks like I will have a lot to think about when I go on vacation this weekend.  Ben didn't even invite me anywhere this week! He still has yet to message me a Happy 4th of July.  I sent him one and he never responded.  I bet he is out with one of his friend girls right now too! -_-  I can't even verify it now that he has deleted his account.  This is so heartbreaking for me, we have not even had one date since school got out and this was supposed to be "our summer."  I think I saw Ben more last summer and I was working and taking summer courses.  Had I know Ben was going to do this to me, I would have taken at least a summer course.  Looks like I have a lot to think about on my vacation.

Sunday, June 29, 2014

24 Hours of Surprises Part 2

I was surprised to see that my message was not from the friend I just sent a message to.  This message was actually from someone who changed my life 4 years ago.

This person I will call Omar.  Four years ago, I met Omar at the gym.  He helped me get through my last year at community college and he was the person that I had actually prayed for.  I prayed for someone to help me with my last year at community college and help me forgot about my ex.  Omar was the answer to my prays and forever grateful that he was brought into my world.  He actually inspired me to pursue my masters since he always talked about getting his.  I think at the time, I was only interested in getting my masters so we could be at the same school since I didn't get into the same school as him for my undergrad studies.  However, I was glad that I did get into the college by the gym we went to so I could still see him after school.  Unfortunately, he got another job at a gym near his house and by fall of the start of my new college, we pretty much went our separate ways.  He would message here and there and the messages got less and less as the months went by.

To this day, I still wonder if Omar ever liked me or not.  The last time I saw him in person, it was for his graduation party years ago.  I was excited because I thought this was my chance to find out if he ever liked me or not and maybe even ask him out.  I even practiced asking him out with my friends.  Sadly, when I went to his grad part, he had introduced me to his girlfriend at the time.  I had literally felt my heart sink to my stomach.  His girlfriend at the time was really sweet and I had fun with her at the party despite my heart being broken into a million pieces.  After that, the only time I talked to Omar really was when one of us wished each other a happy birthday. 

A while ago, I decided to check out his profile page and was surprised to learn that he had moved to a different state and was engaged.  I don't why, but it mad me sad when I saw this.  Probably since I never told him how I felt about him.  Even though I am with Ben, can you blame me?!  Ben lately doesn't even ask me out or really make me feel like his girlfriend.  I can't even remember the last time we talked on the phone or FaceTime.

I was surprised when Omar messaged me last night.  The only time we message each other is on our birthdays.  I was happy and excited too since St. Jude had answer my prayer of reconnecting with old friends.  I was surprised he was even up since he is in a different time zone after all.  Even though we talked briefly, it was nice to hear from an old friend.  We just talked mostly about school and the gym and those feelings I had for him that I thought had disappeared returned again.  I didn't check out his profile page.  I didn't want to see pictures of him with his fiancĂ©e or maybe wife by now.  I wonder why he even messaged me but I'm just glad I actually got to talk to him and not just to say "Happy Birthday"  either.  I thought about Omar all last night and what could of been.  I feel guilty thinking about what could of been between Omar and me, even though Ben has pretty distant lately.  I wonder what I would of said had Omar asked if I was seeing anyone???     

24 hours of Surprises Part 1

These last 24 hours have been full of surprises, not necessarily bad (or at least not yet-hopefully not).  So the most recent was how I had posted something about on my profile page about one of my teams losing and being eliminated from the World Cup.  I was seeing who had liked my comment and saw quickly my ex had liked it. Seriously, my ex! I didn't see his profile page picture real good since it was a glimpse and I had logged out quickly to regain my emotions again.  I'm not reading more into him liking my comment. It is just a like and nothing more.  He has moved on and so have I.  I have noticed that he doesn't cross mind that much like in the past.  I'm glad, I'm starting to find myself again, which is all I ever wanted really. 

The next surprise was how Ben never sent me any messages about the game.  Probably since he has deleted his account and now doesn't see the comments I make about World Cup games.  I never saw this coming.  I wonder why he deleted his account.  Maybe he knows I look at it and wants to hide the fact he goes out with other people all the time!  I haven't heard from him since Friday and he has still yet to invite me out on a date night.  I'm leaving for vacation at the end of the week too.  Looks like he forgot and is busy with other people...sigh :/

I don't want to check my school e-mails and find a bad surprise.  It is bad enough I am once again going to have trouble with fin aid and last a check one of grades was missing.  I don't know if the prof has yet to turn in grades or what.  I'm worried, I hope I didn't fail and have to repeat the course.  I know I am going to have to e-mail the prof soon and have been lagging it.  I'm just afraid to know what is the reason for the missing grade. 

And lastly, for my favorite surprise.  So before I go to bed, I like to pray to St. Jude and often I pray for him to pray for me to reconnect with my old friends.  A few ago one of my friends messaged me.  I was so happy too and just last night the same thing happed too.  I couldn't sleep so I went to check out an upcoming anthropology show  fan page by one of my hero's.  I just wanted to see what the show was going to be about and if any new information was out about it.  I had liked the page and wrote a post to the host of the show, my hero.  Before I was about to log out, I respond to a message that one of my friends sent me and quickly saw I had a new message.  Thinking it was the same friend because he is in a different time zone and continent, I was surprised to see that it was from someone else, and not just anyone be continued....