Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Responding to a Status

Why is it the only way I can get Ben's attention these days is through social media?  Why?!  I was missing Ben on Sunday and reflecting on how much he has done for me and wanted to make it up to him this weekend but he did not respond back to me until yesterday- only after I had wrote on someone's wall, changed my profile picture and started to make plans with someone else. 
Last night, I was responding to someone's status and saw that Ben had once again changed his profile picture.  His new profile picture was him posing next to some girl who was not tagged.  He changed it last Tuesday too the day he helped me with my projects.  It was before we met up, but still, I just had changed my profile picture about 2 weeks ago and he never said anything nor tagged himself in the picture like I was hoping he would too.  I am slowly trying to make us official on social media by first changing my profile picture to us but apparently Ben could care less and probably refers to me as his girlfriend whenever it is convenient  for him, like with his close guys friends, etc.   So I changed my profile picture to an old one where I am posing with some Ranchero singer.  No point of having a picture of us when he doesn't even at least like the picture of us as my profile picture.  No sooner had I logged off that Ben sent me a text telling me how he missed me and wanted to hang this weekend.  WTF Ben?!  Why is it that the only way I can get your attention is writing on your "competition's" wall and changing my profile picture.  It made me mad and I'm still mad because here I am trying to make  up time with him and spend more time with him and he literally schedules me in when  it is convenient for him.  It isn't fair to me too and sometimes I feel like I deserve better.  I started making plans with that one guy I mentioned earlier that I had met online since I keep blowing him off for Ben.  Here is a guy who wants to hang out with me while I always decline him for Ben and I even keep my weekends open for Ben who only hangs out with me once a month and even tells me that he has other people that he needs to hang out with too when I try to schedule another date night, like last week for example.  How does he expect me to introduce him to my parents when he doesn't even spend that much time with me to being with and my parents are the type to judge over everything so him only hanging out with me once a month will not win any points with them.  So IDK what I am going to do this weekend, I think I might just have  a "me" weekend and just go to the gym all weekend and lay around the house in my PJs.  I don't know if I want to hang out with that guy from online since I'll probably be thinking of Ben.  And I don' t think I want to hang out with Ben to send a message that I deserve more then a once a month date night.  But I doubt that will have any effect on him since he always has someone to hang out with.  Why does my love and social life suck?!   
Sunday March 23 7:49PM:
Me: <3

8:01 PM
Me: My love lets do something this weekend :)
        I miss you

Monday March 24 7:46 PM
Ben: <3
         Okay let's do something this weekend :)
         I miss you

-Really, you miss me?!  You have a funny way of showing it!!!  Also, you are just now responding to me after I just commented on some guy's wall who used to like me and whom you consider your competition from school and after I changed my profile picture that used to be us too.  Yeah...you really miss me.

9:29 PM
Me: <3

-I waited to respond to him just like he did and didn't even respond to hanging out since I already started making plans with someone else and because I am mad at him for blowing me off always and responding only after I was on social media.

March 25 12:02 AM
Ben: <3

2:54 AM
Me: Me 2

-Now I am just going to me my messages short and blunt because that is what I do when I am mad/upset and respond to him way later since that seems to be the only way I can get his attention these days since it has worked before in the past.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

I Need a Miracle...Like Fast! :/

I need a miracle.  I officially started grad school this week and already I feel overwhelmed and behind.  I still need to buy textbooks, do my homework/assignments, and respond to e-mails.  I need to pay for my classes by April 1st or 2nd and that is coming up soon.  I applied for financial aid but have been having issues with it and just found out on Friday that I applied for the wrong one so now I am worried about how I am going to pay for the two classes I am enrolled in.  I was going to take 3 but it cost to munch and I wanted to ease my way into taking more classes since you have to get an A or B in the class in order to pass. Also, my classes are web based so being not tech savvy I wanted to see how it goes.  Hopefully I'll be done by next year and find a way to pay for my classes.  I missed the information session for paying for classes because of work.  I'll probably end up taking some sort of loan but I just don't what kind yet.  I'm splitting the cost of the books with some people so that will help but some books I do need to buy myself since they are actual physical textbooks.  I am already counting down the days till June 8th when my classes will be over with.  I am also looking into other ways to bring in cash, such as substituting more, looking for the things to sell, and even those get paid cash to read e-mails.  I don't think I'll make that much but it is worth a try.  Why is school so expensive!? :/
I saw Ben on Tuesday (3/18) and he helped me edit my video clips for school.  It was the first time I've seen him since our last date night.  It was sweet that he dedicated the whole night to helping me with my projects because I don't think I could have done it without him and it was spring break.  I wished they didn't take long because I was too tired to have a romantic evening afterwards and I ended up going home after we got something to eat.  Hopefully, we can have date night next weekend, I wanted date night this weekend but he has plans with other people as usual.  I really want to make it up to him since we didn't really have a chance to celebrate his birthday, Valentine's Day and date night.  I was going to bring it on Tuesday when I saw him but I didn't want the chocolates and HK marshmallow pop to melt.   

So for now I'm trying to get much as sleep as possible since I haven't had a decent sleep since getting expected.  I've been having a hard time sleeping because I worry about meeting deadlines, losing internet connection, computer crashing and how I'm going to pay for classes and course material!!!

Friday, February 14, 2014

Valentine's Day

I woke up this morning around 4:30ish but kept hitting the snoozed button but eventually got up around 5.  I woke up early to finish my penguin garland, the owl Valentine's day cards and candy heart wreath.  I made a candy heart wreath and wrote messages with puffy paint on Monday.  I wrote things like "Be mine," "xoxo," etc.  Then I glued them on a paper plate and set it off to dry.  Next, I glued wiggly eyes on the two owl cards I made and the 6 penguins for the garland. Then when the eyes were dried I hole punched the penguins wings and hearts and alternated heart and penguin as I pinned them together.  I ended up having six penguins and eight hearts.  The push pins (I think that's what they are called), held the garland up nicely to wear I almost didn't need a lot of string to hang it on the gate.  I then placed it in a box so I can find everything I needed to decorate Ben's house easily.  I then got inspired to use the extra hearts I had left over and hot glued string on the back to make heart ornaments to hang somewhere.  I also hot glued string to the wreath and placed them in the box afterwards.  Lastly, I wrote messages on my owl cards.  One said: "Whoo do I love? Answer: You."  the other: "Whoo do I want to be my Valentine? Answer: You."  I later found an owl message online after I wrote it too that said, "Owl love you forever."  That would have been cute to used too!  And something different to write other then "You."  I did sign the cards to and write "I love you," in case you were wondering.  I wasn't sure if Ben wasn't going to work today since he has been sick these past couple of days.  But he kept sending Valentine's Day messages throughout the morning so I figured he was sick at home. 

I wanted to decorate his home before work but I ended up doing errands that took longer then expected so I had to decorate Ben's house after work.  So to my dismay, when I came back to my car the balloon I had bought for Ben popped :( because it was hot.  Had I know that I would have brought it inside with me to work to avoiding popping, so next time I plan on using a balloon, I will keep that in mind.

After work, I went straight to Ben's house to decorate.  I saw his car so that made me excited because I could decorate that too if I wanted since I had extra hearts and painting tape which is easy to remove.  It also meant he was home to and I didn't have to worry about something happening to the decoration.  I first used the heart ornaments I made and decorated his sago palm tree and also the branches of some sort of plant with them too.  I also put the red owl card and candy wreath on the sago palm tree too.  I couldn't find my scissors (of course something has to go wrong!!!) but ended up not needed them so I couldn't cut the string and tie the garland around the gate, which was find because I could tape it to the gate if I wanted and the tape seemed stronger then the string.  I was also a little scared of putting the garland on his gate because I didn't know who was home and many of his neighbors were outside and watching me.  I taped the garland to the side of his car which looked really cute and better then I expected.  I think it looked better on the car then the gate.  I placed the pink owl card on the other side of his car on the antenna.  The penguin garland look so good on the side of the card and I was pleased with how my plan turned out.  My Valentine's Day plan turned out better then expected, minus the balloon popping but oh well, there is always next year!  Even his neighbors came to look at the decorations as I left to go back to my car.  Before I drove off, I sent him a message that said to look at his car.     

I wished I could have seen his face expression as he came outside.  I left because I didn't know when he would see that text  since he was sick and been sleeping pretty much the whole day and I didn't when he would go outside.  Had I know he went outside a few minutes later, I would of stayed.  It was hot and I wanted to beat the traffic and there was a lot that day too! He sent me picture colleges later with him and the Valentine's Day decoration, such as him holding the decorations and his decorated car.  At home, I watched WALL-E like last year expect this time I wasn't mad at him though I did raise an eyebrow when I saw a girl had posted a Snow White Valentine's Day picture with a the caption "Somebody snow White wants to be your Valentine."  I don't about this girl since being a girl I know girls can be sneaky.  She might just being saying how Ben and her are good friends and all but really she wishes they were bf and gf!  She's always writing on his wall and the pictures I see of Ben and her she is always next to him when it's a group photo and usually has an arm on him...hhhmm...I might be overacting but I doubt it.  Why would she send a Valentine's Day message like that.  I am going to have to take tons more pictures of us and tag him! But at least Ben was my Valentine's <3

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Everything is Awesome

Had a blast for Ben's birthday.  I let him picked what we were going to do for his birthday, because it was his birthday after all his birthday even though he did ask if there was anything in particular that I wanted to do.  I wonder if he was referring to the concerts at the museum since they were having one.  I didn't suggest it because I wasn't that interested in seeing the bands that were playing then I was in January.  I suggested dinner and a movie which he was fine with since he was hungry and he did want to see a movie after all.  We went to one of his favorite restaurants since he said he was in the mood for their salads that was all you can eat with all you can eat cheesy bread.  The restaurant was packed and we waited for about 45 minutes to get seated but I didn't mind since it gave us a chance to catch up.  After we were seated and had already had our orders served it was funny because there was at least 9 birthday celebrations and one marriage proposal going on.  I had them sing Happy Birthday to Ben too even though he didn't want it but secretly I think he did.  Plus we got a lemon sherbet to share. We went to the movies afterwards and he opened his present before the movies because it went with the theme of the night.  I had given him his present when I met up with him and he said he wanted to open the present towards the end of the night.  I did offer to get his present from the car while waiting for our table.  So he opened his present before the movies and he loved the Ra figurine and owl Huichol figurine and laughed when he was the movie theater gift card since we were at the movies.  I was going to save that for Valentine's day but thought it would make a better birthday gift.  He said he wanted to put those figurines on his desk when he became a teacher.  One of my favorite parts of the night was when he wanted to take pictures because he said his students didn't believe him that he had a girlfriend even though I could of pointed out that he hasn't officially asked me. While we were waiting to be seated I asked him what he wanted for his birthday and he said he got everything he wanted so far which was me <3 and an electric razor.  He said he also wanted a car charger for his phone which I had actually thought of giving him but the one I had wasn't for iPhone 5s and also a Lego keychain but didn't see any I liked online and a Lego picture frame but the ones online were really expensive.  We ended up seeing the Lego Movie since he wanted to see and it would give me something to talk about with the kids I work with too.  It was actually a good movie and by the end of the night I was amazed how much I really know Ben and how much we have in common.  I also went to the stores today and couldn't find any wiggly eyes in any of them.  I went to one of those dollar stores and saw so many balloons.  You can buy a balloon arrangement with 7 balloons and tied to weight and had a note saying $8 worth of items but I wonder if they also charge for inflating them at the cash register but I don't what time Ben comes home on Fridays and there's a chance someone might take it.  I did see one of those little balloons on a stick so maybe I can buy one of those before this week so I don't have to worry about it come Valentine's Day.  I don't where I am going to put it in my plan though.  At his house?  With the stuff I got him? And I still need to finish my garland too!!! This is going to be a stressful week I can tell, I have homework I need to do, work stuff, getting in shape, finishing Ben's Valentine's Day stuff, and wondering if I got accepted to grad school or not.     

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Anxious and Stressed

So I'm tight on money right now, go figure.  The cash I did have, I spent some on UGG slippers and leather boots but they were a great price.  I do have cash but if I buy the lamination machine that's about $22 gone, movie theater gift card $43 gone. There's $65 right there.  I could wait for my next pay check but I don't know how much that will be.  I need to pick up more assignments from my other job that would help too!  I still need to file my taxes so I don't how much that will cost either.  Maybe I'll skip laminating the garland and buy maybe 1 set of movie tickets which is about $17.  I want to have cash in case of emergency and enough for Ben's birthday, if we do some sort of dinner for his birthday.  I was thinking sushi so I def need money for that.  However, I think I found outfits for Ben's birthday and Valentine's day so that's another thing I don't need to worry about, I hope.  I ordered them online and charged it with my store credit card so I'll be most likely paying that next month so there's half of a paycheck there. I usually wouldn't spend $25 on a top and especially one that I haven't tried in person but they looked cute and I wanted to treat myself because I've been feeling anxious, stressed and having anxiety since I've submitted my master's application.  I'm worried that one of my professors might not write a letter of recommendation because I keep getting forward e-mails from the college asking about the letter still! :/  I wished I would asked one more person to be on the safe side and I'm surprised I didn't but it's too late now and a lesson learned.  And then I keep thinking about my essays and things I should of said and added, etc.  I keep worrying that it won't meet there standards and then getting rejected would devastate me and ruin future plans I had of finding a full-time job.  I'm glad Ben looked over my essays because he did find spelling errors and pointed out awkward sentences but still I'm worried that it wasn't good enough for the decision process.  But I wasn't planning on applying for the March admission either so maybe they would take that into consideration and see that I can get the job done with little amount of time because I literally had days to finish my application when they called and asked me to consider for the March program instead of May but then maybe if I do get rejected I can try for the May or September program.  Only time will tell what will become of me and my future!  But it does feel good to have that off my chest and now I can focus on Ben's birthday and Valentine's day and oh yeah one of my classes started yesterday so I need to focus on that too.  I didn't realize that my other class didn't start till March but that's okay, it gives me a chance to settle into my other class.  I finally get into the two classes I wanted and after these two classes (assuming I pass them of course), then I'll just need one more for one of the certificates at the college I'm taking it at.  However, I might have to drop them if I get into the master's program because I don't how those classes will be like and what kind of work it will require.  Hopefully I can balance those two classes with work, master's program, my love life, and my life in general.  The classes end in May and if I don't wait till the last minute to do my assignments then I think it's doable.  I really hope I get into the master's program, it can open many doors for me later in life, even an anthropology job!

Finally FaceTime


So Ben and I FacedTime finally Friday night and into Saturday morning.  We talked to like 1:30 AM!  I haven't faced time since October!  I'm pretty sure we only FaceTime because he saw me talking to people on social media and saw my post wishing I was out.  Anyways I'm just glad we finally talked.  So now I have no idea how I'm going to pull of my Valentine's Day plan now?! :/  So Ben told me how his student teaching was going and how he goes M-F and has class I believe every other Tuesday and then Thursday nights.  But anyways, I don't know how I'm going to pull it off the Valentine's Day plan.  My plan was to tie the penguin garland across his gate and have a balloon tied and then maybe put some more penguin/owl cards on his car.  And then he was to wake up and then be surprised but now he has student teaching M-F, even though he said Friday was optional for him.  So now I guess I'll have to do it before he comes back home but I was hoping to do it when none of his parents were there so there's an awkward encounter but hopefully that doesn't happen or I could come up with another plan but I can't think of any and I spent a lot of time already putting the penguins together.  I went to the stores today to see what kind of Valentine's Day stuff they have and I found some cute Valentine's Stickers I can put on the penguin's stomach because I'm still debating if I should put "Waddle I'll do without you?" on the penguins.  I don't know, I'll figure it out.  I also was looking for a Valentine's Day shirt but didn't seen any I like so far, plus I'm not filling my hair ever since I cut it.  I'm probably going to need something for Ben's birthday too but Idk what I'm going to do.  I was thinking brunch but now he has student teaching so maybe a dinner Friday night since his birthday is on Saturday but knowing him, he will have tons of options and plans.  Plus he should know I'm not into birthdays in general.  I did after all denied my birthday to him though he claims he was going along with it but I don't know, I did ask him what day my birthday was and he picked the fake one.  But that's in the past.  Back to Ben's birthday, so I got him a Pok√©mon t shirt, a Huichol owl and Ra bird.  I still need to get movie tickets/gift cards and I need to do that soon because Valentine's Day is coming up soon and already stuff today were selling out when I went to the store before work.  And not to mention still put together the garland.

Friday, January 17, 2014


So Ben FINALLY wants to FaceTime with me...geeze I wonder why?!  So I logged onto my social media account to comment on a friend's picture and saw that Ben had once again changed his profile picture.  This picture PISSED me off 1.  It was during winter break and I only hung out with him ONCE and literally the last weekend too of winter break 2.  He was all smiles next to a girl in the picture, it was some sort of party and yet he never suggests to take pictures with me to make for his profile picture and I even tagged him in pictures from the wedding :( and he hasn't even liked them or commented on them. 3.  If it was her birthday, then I'm a little hurt because he didn't do anything really special for my birthday, even though I'm partially to blame but he had an extra month too and still NADA!!!  So I continued to talk to the friend that I had commented on their picture because I knew it would make him jealous since this friend did like me while we were all in college together.  I would have changed my profile picture too but I didn't have any that I liked so far and I would have preferred to change it with a guy in it too but that can always wait.  So then I made an innuendo on my status commenting on how it must be nice to go out tonight (because it would be nice to go out, even if it's by myself or with Ben but of course I have to wait till next month for that) which I had my gbf (in this case, I'm using it as guy best friend) comment on it.  He said how to keep working on my application and that he was the only guy for me and added smiley faces.  I responded back to how I had three days left for my application and also how there is another show at the museum and how we should go since Ben blew me off for the January show.  Then my gbf said to meet him in 15 minutes so he can help me with my application and how his laptop is faster then mine.  And so we ended the conversation there and literally a minute later Ben texted me.

Jan. 17, 8:09 PM
Ben: So what are you doing?
I didn't respond because I have to make it seem like I'm out with my gbf.  Plus he makes me wait forever for a response  We decided to conduct this plan because he thinks it's sad that we only go out once month and how Ben always said we'll have another date night sometime later in a week or two after our date but never do.  My gbf knows how hurt I've been in the past and wanted to help.  He also thinks it's also sad that Ben hasn't even offered to help with my master's application, even though I told him I didn't ask but still he thinks Ben should have at least offered without being told since he is supposedly "my bf."  So Ben thinks I'm out right now with some guy.  He even texted me twice after that with smiley faces and love messages so our planned work. :P  But it's also kind of sad that I have to talk to other guys through social media to get his attention. :/

Jan 17, 8:52 PM
Ben:  Well if you're not busy maybe we can FaceTime tonight :)
Ben:  I have to tell you about my week lol

Me:  Maybe in an hr or so
Ben: Okay then.  Just let me know I'll be here.  Love you :)

So I wonder why Ben all of a sudden has time for me and wants to not just talk to me, BUT FaceTime me?!  And I wonder why he made sure to put in his messages how he's here for me and loves me with a smiley message?!  Was it because of what my gbf and I posted?  OMG Ben!!! WHY DO I HAVE TO RESTORT TO ACTIONS LIKE THESE TO GET YOUR ATTENTION?   A part of me doesn't even want to message you back about FaceTime because 1.  I'm pissed off that this is how I have to get your attention 2.  I REALLY need to finish my application 3.  You never bothered to FaceTime me like you said you would during New's Years so 4.  I want him to feel how I feel when I want to talk to you but hear nothing from you and how sad I felt realizing you were never going to FaceTime me.

I know I'm being immature but am I really?!  He only acts like a "boyfriend" once a month and when I talk to other guys online.  In the meantime, I have less then 72 hours to write three essays, ask 2 professor for letters of recommendation and update my resume...sigh :/