Saturday, February 16, 2013

Back to the WWW.

Since I have not heard from Ben since Friday morning and I am now questioning where we stand I went back to my online dating profile. Being broken hearted and an aspiring anthropologist I logged back on. I hadn't been on it in a while and I messaged a few ppl who messaged me and noticed a lot of ppl who did messaged me before deleted their profile. Maybe they deleted bc they didn't find success in time for V-Day. I was going to delete it after V-Day and/or if Ben had ever DTR with us but he has never and it makes me question his true feelings. I even messaged 10 other guys but so far I have only heard back from 2. I'm nvr successful really when I messaged guys. I once messaged a few anthropology ppl bc I wanted to meet and have more anthropology friends across the world and they all messaged me back and when I messaged them back none of them messaged me back again even thou they looked at my profile. Way to support the anthropology community guys :/  Last month an anthropology major messaged me and I was excited bc anthropology majors are rare and we started talking, mostly about anthropology majoring and then he deleted his profile (or maybe he blocked me) within an hr of message. WTH?! Last night, I messaged ppl but I'm just looking for friends right now. I even changed my social networking profile pix of me (of course I had to change it to one with a guy) and confirmed friends and wrote on ppl's wall as a way of sending a message to Ben. I don't know if I'm ready to date right now bc I'm slowly mending my broken heart right now.   


Last night I could not sleep and now I'm really tired. My motions kept me up. All I could think of was Ben. Was I overreacting? Was he using me? Did he go out on V-Day with someone else? I tried to sleep but couldn't. I told myself I wouldn't look at his wall until Sunday but then I thought I should just look now since I'm already losing sleep and losing another night of sleep wouldn't help me in the long run. I looked but didn't really see anything but still, I get this feeling that something is not right. I didn't seen anything for V-Day but then again he could of done one of several things like hide it, delete it or told ppl not to post anything. However, I saw that he was hanging out with some girlfriends 3 hours before I logged in which would explain lunch. He probably had his afternoon open for once and decided to invite me even thou I am still waiting for an explanation about V-Day. So not only did he break my heart but now I feel convenient. Lunch yesterday was the first time he actually invited me somewhere even thou it couldn't have come for me at the worst time. I've only seen him once, yes once since I finished school in June. Oh and did I mention that when I did see him it was by chance. He is always telling me how he is always busy with work and school but yet he is always hanging out with his friends. So I wonder where I stand in his life. Am I just prize to him like all the other guys in my life? Does he even like me like he said he does? Am I just convenient? 

Friday, February 15, 2013

Single Awareness Day

So my friends, let me tell you about how I spent my Valentine's Day or should I say "Single Awareness Day?"  Wednesday night I went to bed excited for Valentine's Day. I did my nails Valentine's Day theme (black nail foil with red lips since you know wearing red helps get the other person's attention and they were a V-Day theme that I thought was going to be fitting for me on V-Day). I really thought I was going to be celebrating V-Day with someone and not S.A.D. as usual, but last year it was by choice however.
So I have been talking to someone for a while now (like a really long time) and I really thought I would be spending V-Day together but boy was I wrong, really really wrong. I woke up at 6 and noticed I had 2 new messages from whom I will call Ben. Aw, I had missed 2 messages from him last night but I was really tired and didn't hear my phone go off. The first asked what I was doing and the 2nd said how he wanted to call me but guessed I was already asleep already. Aw, he prob wanted to talk about V-Day with me. So I sent him "I was asleep :( " So as I was up early b/c I need to be at work an hr earlier on Thursday. I'm organizing my things  for work and getting ready to spend V-Day with Ben. I work a city over from where Ben lives. I'm putting things like shoes, jewelry, perfume, etc in bags so after work I don't  have to go back home and get ready and waste gas. I was excited to give him his gift as I put it into one of the several bags I had for work and V-Day. Thinking all about V-Day made me more excited as I put my heart jewelry into  the bag and perfumes that I only like to use on special occasions because this was a special occasion but sadly I would never get a chance to put on my special jewelry nor perfume.
Around 7:30 A.M. I get a text messaged. I quickly went to get my phone hoping it would be from Ben but it was from the person  that I met online that I mentioned before whom I will call Gio. It was still early and couldn't wait to hear from Ben. Gio message said, "Have you ever heard of  morrissery?" No, but I googled it. So I was assuming he was going to invite me to see him even thou I haven't heard from him in almost a month and the last time we talked, it didn't go to well in my opinion. I responded with  a "No" an hr later b/c I was too busy trying to get ready and imaging what kind of day Ben had for me. At 10:23 A.M. I get another texted message but it wasn't from Ben, it was from Gio. It said "Nvm then Ok"  Whatever I thought,  because I am prob just a last resort and I thought I was going to have a great V-day with Ben. I wonder what he was going to do since he's always bragging about what a romantic he is. As I loaded my car for work with the bags for work and V-Day of course, I was excited and couldn't wait til 2:00 since Thursdays are my early day at work.
The drive to work I imagined what he might do like take me to a fancy dinner or go to the movies. As I got out car and headed to where I needed to be I saw he sent me a text message with a Hello Kitty V-Day pix b/c he knows I love Hello Kitty and I couldn't wait for work to be over so I could see him. Seeing children with their V-Day cards and candys just made me more excited to see Ben. When it was time to dismiss the children I texted Ben while I waited for the last kids to be picked up. I was dropping  hints how I was almost done with work and  just waiting for the last kids to be picked up hoping he would get my hint and invite me somewhere . Still he did not mentioned anything about V-Day really. So I thought ok, maybe he is waiting outside my car for me with flowers or something. Finally the last child was picked up and I clocked out and headed towards my car checking my phone  but still nothing. :(  I was crushed and his messages weren't helping me either because  he wasn't messaging me anything about V-Day plans. I was crushed as I started to drive off. I didn't want to be close to home and have him invite me because I didn't want to turn around and waste gas but if he did I would have since it's V-Day. I stopped messaging him around 3:43 his last message to me was "Did any of the boys ask you to be their Valentine?" and that message was from when I was at work. I was mad and upset at that point since all this week he kept talking about V-Day. He said things like how he wanted to get 10 stars from me like my students before V-Day so he can get a prize and he even said I was his Valentine's already which made me excited for V-Day for once but when V-Day did come he didn't even invite me anywhere.
Driving home I was crushed and all that sad feeling that comes from disappointment and sadness. I saw some high schoolers walking hand-in-hand with their significant other and others holding the teddy bear their boyfriend bought for them. At a stop light near my house, I saw a guy waiting to cross the street with a teddy bear and box of chocolate that he prob bought at Walgreen's since Walgreen's was right behind him but I would have been happy with that. It's the thought that counts. 
When I finally did get home I was reminded of what a loser I was as I unloaded all the bags I had packed this morning while thinking how I wasted my time packing those bags with change of shoes, jewelry, perfume, etc. were all for nothing. It was just a reminder that I would be celebrating S.A.D. once again. So when I got home I watched TV all day. From the movie WALL-E to the V-Day episodes of the Big Bang Theory and Beauty and the Beast. Somewhere during my TV marathon watching I sent Ben a Victoria's Secret V-Day greeting card b/c maybe he did have something planned for me late night. I wonder if he even got it because I'm not sure if I sent it to the correct e-mail address or not but at this point I really don't care because I am still steamed and crushed. I went to bed full of sadness and a broken heart after watching Beauty and the Beast. What I thought was going to be a great V-Day was not. It was probably one of the worse.
 I woke up this morning crushed because there was no new messages from Ben. No messages with an explanation or a <3 or how he misses me. NOTHING!!! Maybe he was mad at me b/c I didn't post on his wall a Happy V-Day message like I said I would. I was going to but I was mad b/c he nvr invited me anywhere for V-Day, didn't give me an explanation if he was busy which I would have gladly taken a rain check had he said something b/c I understand he is busy with his teaching credential but no, nothing. 
This morning I decided to give him the cold shoulder treatment and ignore him. When I got out of the shower I saw I had a message from him that was sent at 8:23. It said "Are you working today?" No sh--, I told you my schedule like the day b4 V-Day!!! I was giving you a clue!!! I ignored it b/c I was still steamed from yesterday and no explanation of yesterday?! -WTF!? You just crushed my V-Day that I was looking forward to. At 10:52 A.M., I get another message from him, it said, "Ugh high school students are so weird. One girl is named --- ---." Once again, I ignored it. At 11:46 he must of suspected something was up and sent me a message which said "Okay maybe you're really busy today, I was just checking to see if you wanted like lunch or something." OMG, this message really set me off. Really, lunch?! Um, hello? What about V-Day, huh? You think I want to have lunch with you after you ruined my V-Day without giving me an explanation?!
Work just made things worse when one of the ladies I worked with asked someone else I worked with if she ever found out who sent her flowers yesterday. Aw, Ben always said he was going to do that and I thought maybe he would yesterday which that alone would have made my V-Day but no he just broke my heart instead. I haven't heard from him since this morning but that's fine with me since I'm still broken hearted and steamed. Idk how long I plan on ignoring him and giving him the cold shoulder. I think I just might be done with him.