Monday, February 23, 2015

Gloomy and Rainy

Last night I FaceTimed with Ben. He mostly just talked about work since that's what I asked him mostly. He wanted to see me Sunday night but I wasn't in the mood to go out. Maybe if the weather was warmer I would of been up to it. He did offer to pick me up since he knows I don't like driving in the rain but I was already in pjs and like I said was not in the mood. Part of the reason was because I was snooping around some of his friends' profile page and saw the pictures he was in. A lot where him celebrating his friends birthdays, hanging out with friends, and his birthday celebration. I had mixed emotions seeing those pictures, I felt upset and jealous all balled up into one feeling. I saw him once Christmas break and we never even got to see the Pompeii exhibit like I wanted to. I didn't see him at all in January and we didn't do anything for his birthday. Even though he did make an effort for Valentine's day but I was suffering from allergies I doubt he would of tried to make plans with me last weekend had it not been Valentine's Day. And for all I know he could of been out on Valentine's Day since he knew I sick. Maybe the next time I snoop around I'll find pictures of him out on Valentine's Day.

So later Sunday night Ben texted me how his phone was now fixed and how he wanted to see me. He asked what I did that day and I lied. I didn't do anything except go to some stores that day but I lied and said I was out celebrating a friend's birthday. Hopefully that made him a little jealous. It might of worked since when we FaceTime he said he really wanted to see me so we could celebrate Christmas, his birthday, and Valentine's Day. I told him if he wants to and how he's the one whose always to busy for me to which he didn't respond right away. So he is trying to make plans with me this week. He even offered to have date night in the middle of the week. If I didn't have a project and presentation that I have to do for my Thursday night class I would be up to it. I guess we could go out Tuesday night, Thursday night, and possibly Friday night. Maybe Saturday or Sunday night too but I have a project due Sunday night too. Also, I suck at lesson planning for my Saturday class. My direct lesson plans just suck, they suck so bad that my professor wants to meet this week to discuss it. :/ Great...another bad week it looks like. So since I read the email from my professor I've been feeling gloomy. I don't think this week will be a good week to see Ben. I have a lot of projects I need to start and finish and my Saturday class is making me feel gloomy. Please God, don't let this be another bad week for me, please.   

At least the weather matches my mood, gloomy and rainy. :'(

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Cloudy Day

Yesterday I was suppose to have a date night with Ben but we didn't. His phone died yesterday and he wasn't able to get a hold of me to later at night. I'm not mad because it was cloudy and windy and it would of been cold for me for a nice date night. Now I kind of wish I had bought a tablet for him so he has another way of getting hold of people. Or maybe I should get him an iPod since he can send me messages to my phone and FaceTime me too. Idk, I need to research more.

I think for next term I am going to take one class, assuming I pass the classes I am taking right now. I am disappointed in myself. I wanted to finish school by December but now it looks like next March. I can take a CSET in March but I am not ready. There is also May and July so I'll sign up for the May one and if I don't pass then the July one and hopefully I pass by then so I can start student teaching in September. I was hoping I would pass by now so I could study for other CSET too like the physical education and multiple subjects. Ben said he would help me study too but he never does so I am not relying on him for help with studying. I also need to be more independent and stop relying on people.

Ben also got another long term assignment last Friday. I was hoping last Friday we could have lunch together the day before but that's when he started his long term assignment. I dressed up for work last Friday since it was the day before Valentine's Day at work and that's what I had already plan on wearing if I had lunch with Ben. So when I went to work last Friday I knew he wouldn't surprise me with flowers or balloons either after work. I thought he might for Valentine's Day but nope. To me, I haven't seen his romantic side that he claims to have. He does take me out and help me when he can but I haven't seen anything off the top romantic. But that's how its always been with me and guys. They just take me to dinner and movies 99% of the time. No guy has ever done anything over the top romantic for me. When I see girls get asked in a cute way for a school dance, I wish for once in my life that would happen to me but I don't think it will ever happen anytime soon. Ben never asked me to official be his girlfriend ever. 

I have some free days this week that would of been nice to spend a day with Ben. He could of taken me to campus to get my taxes done and then we could of spent the rest of the day in the city but that won't be happening anytime soon. It would of been nice if I could of had a date night with Ben last night even if it was cold since it is half way through the semester and now I am going to have tons of projects for school so I'll be really busy with school and won't be able to have a date night in the near future. Oh well, I am use to it by now.  

Last Monday, I was watching Jane the Virgin and the character Rafael totally reminded me of Omar towards the end of the episode. He was talking to Jane on his bed and the way he was posed reminded me of Omar. Then the song they were playing called Worlds Apart by Joshua Radin even reminded me of Omar more because in the song it talked about the moon and being apart. Omar always use to point out the moon when it was full. Sometimes when I look at a full moon I think about the memories I had with Omar at the gym. I think he crosses my mind from time to time because a part of me wonders if he ever like me or not and wants to know. But when I think of it, probably not. He never asked me out when he had the chance and he is married now so that answers my question. Hopefully Ben truly loves me and isn't cheating on me because I can't take another heart break.

I don't think I will go to the gym tonight. It is really cold and cloudy. I also don't want to get up in any rain since it is suppose to rain today and tomorrow. I didn't go last week because my allergies were bad but hopefully I can go later this week. I really want to get back into shape and hopefully meet some new people.

Sunday, February 15, 2015

Bad News

So I didn't pass my CSET. I don't know what I am going to do next term. I almost passed a subtest. I got a 217/220, so that really sucked. I had Ben texted me my results. Had we been together in person to look at my results, I'd probably been an emotional wreck. So now I get sad when I see my school's logo at any moment. And to add to the bad week I was already having my sinuses became worse by yesterday, which was Valentine's Day.

So once again Ben and I did not have a Valentine's Day together. This year I was the reason. I have a raspy voice, sore throat, and a stuffy nose. I probably could of gone out last night but my sinuses would ruined the romance. I felt bad for Ben but he understood and just wants me to get better. I wonder what Ben had plan since it was suppose to be s surprise. At least the next time we go out there wont be as many people because of Valentine's Day crowd rush. On Friday, he kind of gave me a hint by asking me, "You like to paint your nails a lot right?' So my guess was a nail polish set, like the Hello Kitty Sephora set. He did want to get me this top where you can put cell phone on the side but I told him how it can cause cancer. Then yesterday he texted me a sneak peek of my Valentine's Day present. I think it is the Hello Kitty nail art book. Aw, he knows I like to paint my nails.

I also got a check yesterday for $187. I kind of want to cash it and buy a tablet because I saw them on sale at Costco. I also still need to put a picture in his apple frame. Now that Valentine's Day is over, maybe I can find a cute heart box on sale.

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Bad Day

Yesterday I had a bad day at work. Then I thought I lost my credit card but I found it thankfully. I told Ben about my day and he wanted to go out with me up but unfortunately we couldn't in the end. It was sweet though but we ended up talking on the phone last night. He told me how he was worried about us. He was worried because he said last week he wanted to go out with me but he was busy. I told him it was okay because I was busy with school. He told me he was worried because last week 4 of his friends ended their relationships so he was trying to help them. One was really bad he said. And one I met from the wedding we went to, one was getting a divorce, and another an engagement. So that made him worried about us because we hadn't had date night in a while and also because he thought I was mad at him on his birthday because we didn't have plans. I told him I wasn't but I just like to keep it basic on birthdays because I'm not big on birthdays and how I assumed how he was busy celebrating his birthday so I didn't know when he would see my message. He then told me to keep Saturday night opened. I have an idea  what I want to wear and hopefully I am not tired from school. Also, I am worried that I might be getting sick bc the weather has been dry lately. My throat has been hurting and I'm afraid I'll get a sinus infection and lose my voice.

I picked up my stuff from Kmart. I now have nail polish for Valentine's Day. I also bought a tiara, it was free with the surprise points. I could of gotten jewelry for work but the tiara was on sale and it was a heart tiara. I feel a little childish but I always wanted one and never had the opportunity to have one. I think one reason was because I saw Ben celebrate a birthday with a girl and she had a tiara on. Also, because I think like most females, they want to feel like a princess, even just for a second. So, it kind of made me feel like a princess and it also reminds me how I don't need to a man to feel like a princess. In the past, I've had guys want to treat me like a princess but they never did. Just lies.   

 I am having Ben look at my CSET bc I'm afraid to look. I am getting nervous waiting for my CSET result. Hopefully, this doesn't ruin my week and  Valentine's Day.  

Monday, February 9, 2015

Monday Night

Ben invited me to dinner tonight. He remembered. I remembered last week he wanted to hang out on Monday but I thought he had forgotten. I also thought he might be mad because I didn't really talk to him on his birthday or invite him out. I told him I wasn't sure if I was going to or not. I am pretty tired and I have work tomorrow. I don't want to ruin the dinner being tired and having to leave earlier. I also want to wrap all his presents and I still need to put a picture in his apple picture frame.

Ben also said to keep Saturday night free too. I don't know what he is planning, I am curious but I don't want to get my hopes up. I also have school in the morning and I don't know what I am going to say to my parents when they see me getting ready to go out. I also don't know what I am going to wear!!! I'll probably end up going to the gym since something always goes wrong on Valentine's Day between Ben and me. And if I do go to the gym it will be nice and empty too, I should know, I've been to the gym on Valentine's Day.

I wouldn't mind celebrating Valentine's Day next week. It would be less stressful and less crowded. I need to do my homework earlier so Ben and I can enjoy this week, if we do go out.      

My CSET results are in. I don't want to look!!! Maybe I'll look tomorrow.

Lucky Streak???

Last week was a good week, I think. I finally got my work paycheck so I can pay off the rest of my bills. I'm doing better about buying things online. I also won 2 dollars from Kmart so I was able to buy nail polish for Valentine's Day. I also got $4 to use on jewelry and $5 for clothes. I bought some socks since I couldn't find any blouses that had store pickup but I can never have enough socks, lol. So that made my week. I also got a coupon for $4 to use for fish d├ęcor or treat from Petco for one of my fish's birthday, so I am excited about that.

I did buy the gourd bird box for Ben, since I had $5 that were expiring that day. It was a lot bigger then I expected, it's big. I should of gotten the smaller one for the Hello Kitty to fit perfectly inside. At first, I didn't know what to do with the gourd surprise because it was bigger then expected. I thought about filling it with chocolate hearts but then I worried about the Hello Kitty breaking or the chocolate melting. I did figure out what to put inside the gourd box, which is the Lego birthday cake. So that worked out well. But I am still trying to figure out how to  present the Hello Kitty mini figurine. I am pleased that the gourd was just right for the Lego Birthday cake, so hopefully Ben will like it when he gets it. I'm just going to give all his gifts from Christmas to Valentine's Day as one big present at this point. I did try to give him his Christmas present earlier but he was busy or sick when I tried.

I wonder if Ben and I will do anything for Valentine's Day? I do have some outfits ideas but I'm not stressing since we never celebrated one together, so this Valentine's Day will probably be the same. But I'll probably do my nails since I love doing my nails and I just got nail polish from Kmart. Hopefully, I am not tired on Valentine's day if I do out with Ben. I don't want to be tired while out with Ben because I was up all night finishing my homework.

My CSET results will be released at 5PM today. I'm scared because I probably didn't pass and I am going to be sad the rest of the week and my lucky streak will be over. Also, I don't know what I am going to do about school and money. I can see that ruining my Valentine's Day too. :(

I better start my homework for this week so I can go to the gym and enjoy Valentine's Day. Hopefully, I get it done on time and hopefully my CSET are not that bad.  

The Gym

I went to the gym on Ben's birthday. It's also the weekend so I am also trying to go every week. I even went last week and ripped a photo of my ex afterwards. That's my goal, to go to the gym every week and rip a picture of my ex until all of them are ripped. They also returned the camera my ex gave me, really, not a penny for it?! Oh well, maybe I can find another website who will buy it.

Going to the gym does help me finish my homework earlier, so that's a plus. Hopefully, I'll get a chance to go this week. I am going to try for Friday and hopefully take a yoga class but I need to finish my homework earlier for my Saturday class, even though homework isn't due before class on Saturday, which is 7AM. But it would be nice to have it done earlier instead of staying up all Friday to finish it. I was going to go to yoga last Friday but I was pooped out from work that day and just wanted to sleep when I got home. 

While I was at the gym, Omar somehow popped into my mind. It was just a flashback but I quickly shook it out of my head. I don't know what trigger it but hopefully it won't happen any more.   

Ben's Birthday

Ben's birthday was this weekend. I just sent him a text message and wrote on his wall. I was surprised he sent me a message at 2:37 AM on his birthday. It was just a heart. He probably just finished celebrating his birthday or just got off the phone when he sent that message. Or maybe he was sleeping and checking his phone to see if I called or sent him a message at midnight which I did not. I thought about but decided against it. I assumed he would be busy by being out celebrating his birthday or on the phone and I would get a busy signal. Plus, a part of me is just a little bitter that he didn't even call or send me a message on my birthday. He did, but hours later, and I mean hours later, like the evening. So I wrote on his wall and sent him a happy birthday at 6:28 AM and that's all I did for his birthday. I didn't even bother to try to make plans for his birthday this year since I knew he would probably have plans all weekend long. Also, I didn't like how last year when we celebrated his birthday he was on phone for most of the dinner and he didn't even do anything for my birthday this year but yet he celebrated other people's birthdays. A part of me thinks he was at his work's high school's homecoming game since it was the same day as my birthday and he was just using how he had a bad day at work as an excuse not to hang out with me on my birthday. It would also make sense how he texted me in the evening, so he was probably at the football game. Oh well, this is why I don't like birthdays in general, too much work and too much fakeness. Also, I would probably feel ignored and forgotten had Ben invited me to his celebrate his birthday, like last year or with his friends. He did message me two more times on his birthday, at 9:22 AM, which said <3 I love you (probably after seeing my messages) and 6:14 PM, which was just a heart. I ignored it as I was busy working on finishing my homework so I could submitted it early and go to the gym and enjoy it so I don't have to worry about finishing it later. I felt bad ignoring it, since it was birthday and he did review one of my assignments this week but I'm sure he was out having fun celebrating his birthday.     

Sunday, February 1, 2015

Getting Even Closer

It's February now, so it is getting even closer to Ben's birthday and Valentine's Day. I still have his Christmas present! I wish I could of mailed it to him but it would of been really expensive. I would not mind shipping it but I am broke. So the next time we go out, he is going to get a lot of presents from me. So for Christmas, it was the electric razor and apple heart frame, for his birthday, the Lego cake and Nightwing shirt, and for Valentine's day, a Hello Kitty mini figurine holding a heart and maybe chocolate. I still need to figure out how I want to give him the figurine. I am going to wait for Christmas for the tablet. I might buy it now and give it to him for Christmas that way I have something for him then because I won't be working as much then and super busy with school. Also, there will be new versions of tablets, so maybe I will wait for a new version. His Lego cake came yesterday too, it is really cute. I think I will keep it in the bag and let him put it together for fun.
Another check from selling my textbooks also came yesterday. I got $73.38. But I also got my Kohl's and VS bills too so I won't be able to enjoy my checks since I need to pay my bills but I plan on making these my last bills for a while. I'm still waiting for my work paychecks. I wonder how much I will make? I wonder how much money I will have left over after I pay my bills too? I hope I have enough for Ben's birthday and for school. I also still need to do my taxes so I can apply for financial aid next school year but it will suck losing it if I don't pass my CSET, which will probably be most likely. I don't know what I am going to do and I don't want to think about it either.

Anyways, I saw someone bought the Lego heart box on eBay. If you bought it now it would ended up being around $14. So someone really wanted it. I also went to the gym last night finally. I went to the new one near my house. I almost went to Omar's former gym but I wanted to give the new one a try and I loved it!!! They have free Wi-Fi, basketball court, and not crowded. I'm going to try to go tonight and get my homework done early. I also want to start going to classes at the gym, like yoga and Turbo Kickboxing, so hopefully I can start that next week.