Monday, October 28, 2013

Responding Back

Last night, I couldn't sleep because I was thinking of Ben and also because I had an ice coffee drink hours before.  I sent him a message of a heart at 10:59 PM and waited to hear from him but minutes then an hour went by as I was scrolling through Ifunny so then I gave up and went to wish someone a happy birthday on social media and apparently that's what got Ben's attention because then at 12:15 AM he sent me a heart message.  I thought about not responding but then it was eating me up inside wondering if I did something wrong so I sent him a message back:
12:15 AM
Ben: <3 
Me:  R u mad at me?
Ben: No! Why would you think that? :(
Me: Oh you just seemed distant?
Ben: No. I'm sorry. I'm not trying to.  I've been so busy!  I subbed 4 times this week and have so much homework.  I'm sorry.  You're my special someone and I don't want you to feel that way :)
Me: Oh ok I understand
Ben: Are you mad at me?
Me: No! I know ur busy this fall
Ben: I love you :)
         Did you want to FaceTime?
Me: If you want, I just need a minute
Ben: Yeah me too
Me: K
So while we were facetiming, Ben had brought up how he saw my message of happy birthday to someone on social media.  That probably got his attention since he kind of sees this person as a competitor for me, even though I was never interested in this person.  So then because of that post, Ben brought up my birthday and he said, "Speaking of birthday, someone's is coming up,"  I played it off by saying who and he said mine but I didn't feel like talking about my birthday and said how my birthday was in December but he went along with it asking me what my sign was and that I shouldn't be mad if my birthday is celebrated in December then.  So Ben does remember my birthday but like I said, I didn't want to think or talk about it.  He told me how the picture he sent me was from a indoor soccer game that he went to with a friend that I met from the wedding.  I didn't know there was an indoor league soccer team nearby.  He also did say that his mom thought I was pretty and then we just talked about school and work and then called it a night.  I feel better now and woke up feeling relaxed and my phone didn't go off to sub this morning.  It didn't rain that hard while driving to work so that was another plus.  Hopefully tomorrow is a good day too.     

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Broken on the Inside and Out

I'm feeling depressed right now, well actually I have been feeling like this all weekend long.  I really miss Ben but he seems distance lately, especially since I met his mom.  I understand that he's really busy, especially since he's taking 22 units this fall, but still, he seems more distance then usually.  I'll text him something like "I miss you," or send him a heart and sometimes he'll respond and sometimes he won't.  Some days I wait to send him a message until he does but then a day or two passes before he sends me a message or if I do, it's to break the silence.  Saturday he sent me a picture of a soccer game at 6:29, I saw it at 6:49 but decided to wait till I got home from the gym to send a message because I was a little hurt.  I was hurt because he's out somewhere and I feel like he just schedules me in every couple of weeks whenever it's convenient for him but yet he's always out with other people.  I wonder who he went to this soccer game, (I'm assuming it was a game) with?  So after I came home from the gym and settled in I sent him a message 10:20 PM which said, "Oh cool, where's that at?" and I haven't heard back from him.  I wonder if I di something wrong.  Does his mom disapprove of me and is avoiding me because of it.  I don't know and it's driving me nuts.  I don't feel like subbing  because I know I won't be able to stay concentrated on my assignment and I would also be tempted to look at my phone,  hoping to hear from Ben.  Depending where I sub, seeing couples would also break my heart.  I'm tired of putting of subbing but I know I'll be sad, especially if I don't hear from Ben and it will show on my face.  :/  It might also rain tomorrow, so driving in the rain gives me anxiety and if it's raining and I'm driving to place I've never been before, I get flustered and by the time I arrive I'm a big hot mess and I'll be all out of whack the rest of the day.  Hopefully Tuesday, I'll feel better to be ready to sub.

My birthday is also getting closer and I'm surprised Ben hasn't said anything about it.  It's still kind of early but still I'm surprised he hasn't said anything about it, like where do I want to go or eat or what do I want.  So at this point right now, I'm still deciding if Ben does decide call me at midnight on my birthday, I don't know if I want to answer it or not.  This distance between us is starting to eat me up inside.  I don't know what to do and there's a million questions going through my mind like "Does he even like me?  Did I do something wrong?  Did he meet someone else?  Does his mom not like me?  Does he want to see other people?  Is he seeing other people?"  I don't know?!  I truly do not know and my eyes are getting watery just thinking about it :'(          

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Day Off


I met Ben's mother yesterday.  It was an accidental meeting.  It was very quick but I still met her and I got to see what she looked like in person.  I felt bad that I came as she was leaving for her work.  She offered me juice and apologized if her hands were cold when we shook hands.  Had I know she was going to be home, I would of taken off my work shirt and at least look a little more presentable.  I just wanted to stop by at Ben's house and say hi quickly before I went to work.  I asked Ben about school and he told me how it was good but stressful and a lot of work.  I wished I could of stayed a little longer but I needed to drive back to work.  It sucked driving to work.  I got stopped at almost every red light or stuck behind a slow car.  However, I managed to clock in on time.  I was sad when I had to leave Ben's house because I know I won't see him to who knows when and part of the reason why I stopped for a very quick visit.  As me and Ben were talking during my visit I told him how I was going to stop by campus after work to return the library books and how he should visit me quickly.  I was kidding because I know he's in class and can't afford to miss and/or ditch classes and even if he gets a break, it's one of those 10 to 15 minute breaks.  So with that in mind, I know we probably won't be spending my birthday together, which makes me sad.  I just want a nice birthday for once, but it looks like it won't be happening this year.  He'll be in class :( and I know he can't afford to miss class, even if he suggests it, I couldn't let him do it.        

I didn't have work today which was nice.  I could have subbed today but didn't.  I feel bad that I haven't but when I do see an opening, I either have to study or somewhere I'm not familiar with the location.  When I am driving and I don't know where I am going, I stress out very easily and get overwhelmed and then really lost.  Also, my main work would overlap so I would have to call in for a sub even though I would make more money subbing but I need to get ready ahead of time!  I never have clothes or my stuff ready so I need to make a mental note of that.  So this weekend, I'm going to get ready to work.  I need to find a full-time job with benefits because soon I will no longer be insured and then I will be screwed.

Today, I found out another person I know is engaged.  Everyone around me is either getting married or having a baby.  As for me, I am still living at home working a part-time job.  I always picture myself by this time being married and having a child but then as I realized how my love life was, I settled for at least being engaged or if I was single, I was working on my masters in anthropology or working in the field of anthropology where I would meet my Indiana Jones/Josh Bernstein soul mate and we would get married and travel the world together and go on crazy adventures while making historical finds.  But the reality is, I'm not married nor am I doing anything anthropology related :/  I don't even the status of what Ben and me are and I would like my parents to know who is and eventually meet him but we still haven't DTR.  Also, I can't even afford to move out and then elope at Vegas.  I need a better job so I can get closer to my dreams.  I did find some universities that offered online master degree programs in anthropology but nothing in California so far.  I saw one that I liked in Texas but you had to report to class at the being of the semester for orientation and then the end of the semester for a presentation.  I am thinking about, maybe I can work something out with the university, like driving out to Texas at the end of the semester to at least present.  The drive to Texas would be worth, even it had to be twice a semester, it would be worth it because I'm doing something in anthropology and it might help me get into a field school and open more doors to a part-time anthro job or even intern.  Though my parents wouldn't be to happy about the internship unless it paid but I doubt it because they want me to have a career by now and a job that offers everything from benefits to retirement plans, etc.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Date Night....Finally

Last night I finally had date night with Ben.  I wished I would have met his parents and apparently I just missed them by seconds.  When I came, they had just came too but somehow I just missed them.  Probably if I had parked closer to Ben's house I would of seen them.  We went to a pub to eat,  the lobster sandwich was amazing and the Dodgers won.  The night would of ended better if I would have know what are relationship status was.  I waited for him to bring it up or refer to me as his "girlfriend" but nope.  I need to find a way to ask him or bring it up, ugh!!!  How hard is it to DTR!?  

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Sad :(


I'm still sad since I found out Ben's schedule for the fall.  It just bums me that we won't be spending Halloween and my birthday together.  I will be spending them alone as usual. :/  Since Ben texted me his schedule it has been hard for me to text him back.  The day he texted me his schedule we were messaging back and fourth until I asked about his schedule.  I didn't have much to say after it and for once I didn't know what too say.  Usually I have so much to tell him but lately no.  He texted me an hour later that said "I miss you," but by then I was asleep and didn't see the message till 3 AM.  Tuesday he sent me a heart and I texted him the same and that was all I heard from until Tuesday.  He sent me a message that said "I miss you" but I was dead asleep and didn't responded "I miss you" at 1:33 AM.  Yesterday, I wasn't going to send him any messages until he sent me one but there was a fire nearby and I sent him pictures of the fire but I didn't hear from him till 10:19 PM.  He sent me a message that said "I love you."  I thought about waiting a while to respond but hoping to hear from him, I sent him a heart but haven't heard back from him since.  It sucks that now I can't really talk to him throughout the day.  If I send him a message, I know I won 't hear from him till after 9 or 10 PM, if even.  I'm just heart broken and sad now, I feel so alone.  I'm not mad a Ben.  He's doing something with his life so he can have a better future and hopefully with me in it.   

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

A Little Heart Broken

Last night when I was texting Ben, it broke my heart in a way.  He asked me how my day was and I told him how work was a little crazy because my partner was out sick for the day and there was no help available since they were short on staff.  He told me how he had a long day and how he worked in the morning and then had class right afterwards.  His work is like my second job that I still need to do.  I still worry that one of these days I'm going to get a letter, email or phone call how I didn't meet their minimum requirements and have been terminated.  He told me his schedule for school this fall, which is M-Th 3-9 and 4-8.  This broke my heart because it meant that we would probably not spend Halloween together again.  Last year we were suppose to spend Halloween together but he never invited me out.  He told me how I should be Sailor Moon when I asked him what I should be out of the choices I had in mind.  He was suppose to be Tuxedo Mask and I even watch like 3 seasons of Sailor Moon to brush up on my Sailor Moon knowledge.  He was never Tuxedo Mask so I was a Sailor Moon left without her Tuxedo Mask.  I now know how Sailor Moon felt when Damien/Tuxedo Mask broke up with her, even though it was to protect her and a result from being brainwashed.  Still, it would be nice to spend a holiday with him.  This year, I have a cute Glinda costume but it looks like I won't be wearing it this year :( since he has class so late.  It also looks like we won't be doing anything on my birthday either. :/  He'll be in class on my birthday unless he decides he doesn't want to go but I rather he went to class.  I'm not big on birthdays.  It bugs me how people are phony and fake nice on your birthday.  People should be nice and want to do things for you any day of the year, and not just your birthday.  Also, it bugs me when people I haven't talked to and seen in awhile want me to spend my birthday with them.  Like I said before, you should want to spend time with me and want to do things for/with me throughout  the year and not just my birthday.  I don't mind you wishing me a happy birthday but when you want me to spend MY birthday with you, then we have a problem.  However, knowing Ben, he'll call me at midnight (he did on my last birthday) and think it's so original, thoughtful and sweet (even though I could care less and to me, calling someone at midnight on their birthday is a little lame and unoriginal).  He'll then want to make it up to me if he has class by doing something the next day or next week.  However, he has said that to me before with date night, like the Banquet and Wedding for example, he said we would have date night the next week and no shocker we never did.  So my birthday will once again be a disappointment like always.  I'll probably just go to work and maybe just treat myself to a shopping spree afterwards.  It's not worth taking a day off if I'm not going to do anything on my birthday expect sit at home bored while my parents, especially my mom, say they are going to take me to sushi restaurant since that is my favorite food and then change the restaurant to accommodate the rest of the family who doesn't like it and then at the last minute not end up going anywhere.  Not wanting to repeat this again, I would rather just take off early in the morning and  go for a nice run and then get ready for work and go to work because I might as well earn money if my birthday is going to be a bust and then after work, just treat myself to a shopping spree  and to me, that would be a nice birthday this year.                

Getting Over It


So I ended up texting Ben the other night.  I need to stop  holding grudges over the dumbest things.  The next day he tested me in the morning telling me how he woke up with a soar throat and how he was suppose to go furniture shopping with his mom but had to cancel.  As a joke I sent him a message that I gave him mono even though I haven't seen and kissed him since the last time we had date night.  He responded to how it was okay and he only wanted mono from me.  But then I sent him a message how someone else  could have given him mono because for all I know he could of gone to the fair with someone else and I don't know what he does when I'm not there.  He responded with how he gets sick and the beginning of the free quarter always and that I'm the only girl he's kissed in a very long time.  I wonder when and who was the last girl kissed.  I know for me it was with my ex.  I'm sure if I had really tried I could have kissed more guys and gone out with more guys and even had a boyfriend or boyfriends but then again that's not really my style.  In a way, I just needed to find myself after the horrible breakup with my ex.  And some of the benefits that I learned from being single is how I can talk to whoever and not feel guilty.  I can do whatever I want and whenever.  And I got to meet more people, especially more guys on Thursday nights at the gym.  Weekends at the gym, especially Saturdays, I got to meet some weird guys.  Besides Thursday night at the gym, Sunday night is a good night to meet more people. I try to go the gym whenever I can now but school and work make me so tired now.  I need to start a schedule again and get back into the shape that I was in and start lifting again.