Monday, December 29, 2014


I should be on my way to Denver right now but I do not like flying. I would take the bus but it cost twice as much to take the bus then to fly.  Oh well, it gives me more time for me to study which I hate to say I have been lacking it. I am afraid to know what is going to happen if I don't pass.  It would be nice to go to Denver to see the snow and family but it is also nice to have me time. I can focus on studying, getting ready for next semester, and clean my room. 

Ben is also sick. We probably won't get any time for us before we both go back to work. I still have his presents too. If I had money I would ship it and surprise him but I am broke. My store credit card bills came this week also and I am afraid to see how much damaged I did. I need to be saving my money not spending it!!! I did send Ben a Christmas card which he got Christmas eve (perfect timing). He loved it and he even sent me a picture of it. Now I wish I had money to send his package but the electric razor is heavy and would cost a lot to ship it. Maybe I will drive down and surprise him one of these days with his present. And then after I give him his Christmas present I then have to start looking for a birthday and Valentine's Day gifts too. Unfortunately, I don't think I'll have time this year to plan a birthday or Valentine's Day surprise or have the money either. Hopefully, I can scrap some money up together before then and treat him to a birthday or Valentine's Day dinner. I really want to do something special for him since he means so much to me and he does a lot for me.  Maybe if I can't when it is his birthday or Valentine's Day I will in the future, maybe at the end of the school year. Also, I hate to think this but we never had a Valentine's Day together and for his birthday I have to settle for the day before since everyone wants to spend time with Ben. Also, I don't know how he will feel celebrating either once since his parents are getting a divorce. I really need a miracle that I will pass my test, I will have money for school, bills, and Ben, and I will be able to do something special for Ben on his birthday and Valentine's Day. Pray for me. St. Jude of hopeless cases, here my prayer!!!   

Saturday, December 20, 2014

Thursday Night

Thursday night I had date night with Ben.  It wasn't what he planned because he had reservations but I wasn't ready till 8 because I was at the store all day with my mom, which I felt bad. He understood how my mom doesn't like shopping alone and needs me to reach and grab items since she has back issues.  And I had a headache almost the entire day so I wasn't sure if I was going to go out because of it.  Luckily my headache went away by the time we went out. We just grab dinner and ice cream and it was nice to catch up.  He gave me my Christmas and birthday gift too. I felt kind of bad since I didn't have time to give him his.  I didn't have time to wrap it or put a picture in the frame and I didn't want my mom to see me leave with my presents. Then she would ask to many questions I wasn't ready to answer.  Ben got me the Hello Kitty Christmas tote bag and thermal mug that I wanted from Black Friday and the mini Hello Kitty purse too.  I figure he might since he had asked if I had bought them a few days ago. I wonder what he would of done had I told him I bought them or if I had actually bought them.  The purse is also sold out online too.  But what was really cute was how he got me a Hello Kitty charm bracelet. He said it reminded him of me because it was Hello Kitty and he knows I wear bracelets that have charms that dangle. Aw! That was so sweet that just alone made me happy. Aw, he notices things like that! :D I wonder what else he notices about me??? So now I wonder if he will like my presents!? And what am I going to get him for Valentine's Day and his birthday too?!

He also told me about work and how he is waiting to hear if he will be hired full time.  He also said how his last assignment was stressful because the students were bad. He also said how he has been stressed and tired and missing people birthdays, which he apologized for mine.  I then felt like a bitch when he said his parents were getting a divorce. I feel so bad and guilty for being mad at him when his parents are divorcing and he is stressed over work too.  I wish I could make him feel better but I'm glad we had date night and I hope next time I don't ruin it. Also, I need to stop getting mad at him. Poor guy is going through a lot over the past couple of weeks.  I will be here for him just like he is for me. I am lucky to have him. <3 :) 

Saturday, December 13, 2014

Finally Good News

Last night Ben and I texted throughout the night.  It was after 1 in the morning and I had six messages from Ben.  I wasn't sure if I was going to respond to his messages but I did. I asked if the school he was subbing at offered him a full time position yet but he said they were going to call him next week.  He then told me how his last day of his assignment was horrible because his freshman were bad.  I knew how he was feeling and didn't want to start any drama.  He did say how he was going to hang out with more during winter and how he had birthday and Christmas presents for me. I wonder if he only mentioned my birthday because of FB but at least he mentioned and I didn't have to. I do feel guilty complaining about him from time to time but can you blame me? I'm just glad we talked last night and there was finally good news and communication between us. Now I am kind of stressing over Ben's present. What if he doesn't like the electric razor or doesn't want one anymore? What if it sucks or doesn't work?  What if he has one already or someone gave him the same one.  It goes with the same thing with the apple picture frame/ornament I bought him too. What if someone gave it to him already or is going to give it to him? What picture would they use or would they even put a picture in it?  What if it makes him sad when he sees it because he didn't get hired full-time?  I hope he likes my presents!   

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Happy Birthday to Someone Else

Once again Ben forgot my unbirthday.  I give him two chances to celebrate my birthday and he never does.  I understand we were both busy but still he could at least sent me a cute birthday text.  And what really is pissing me off right now is how he was just tagged in a picture celebrating a girl's birthday.  Nor has he asked me out but keeps saying we will over winter break.  Yeah right! We didn't even hang out once in the summer when I retuned. I posted on my wall about how he forgot my birthday so maybe he will see it and figure it is about him.  Then he will ask me out but out of guilt, only this time I am going to call him out. I'm tired of this same old shit of waiting and only being asked out because of guilt. I want to be out asked genuinely.  But waiting to be asked out genuinely from Ben is like waiting for a miracle, it may or may not come. 

For the past two days he has been texting me also and asking if I got everything I wanted from Black Friday. I know he is trying to figure out what to get me for Christmas. Honestly, I really don't want anything. It is better to give then receive.  Besides, what about my birthday?! All I am asking if more time with Ben but he is always "busy."  I doubt he is also going to help me study for the CSET either or remembered that I wanted to see the Pompeii exhibit before it ends in January. If Ben claims to be my bf and a romantic, he wouldn't ask what I want. He would do something out of his heart and besides he should know I like Hello Kitty and heart jewelry or anything that has my university's logo and/or name. I guess the idea of wearing a pretty dress for Ben and going to out on a romantic date will always just be a dream...sigh... :/

Saturday, December 6, 2014

Pretty Dresses

I went to the mall today and I was reminded how my social and romantic life sucks. I saw couples shopping together. People shopping for their significant other. I saw pretty dresses like ones with sequences on displayed at fashion stores. Seeing these things made me sad.  I never spend time with Ben anymore and I wish I could wear pretty dresses for Ben. It would be nice to wear a sequence dress to meet his family on Christmas Day or New Year's Eve or a nice dress on a romantic date night but nope. I always buy nice dresses and tops in hopes to wear on a date that turns out to be the best date ever but they just collect dust in my closet. I remember Valentine's Day this year, I had a nice outfit picked out, a dress too, which is rare for me because usually I wear nice jeans and top but being V-Day I wanted to wear a dress but Ben was sick. The year before I also had an outfit picked out but Ben had class and he pissed me off. I have nice clothes but no one to wear it for...sigh :/  When I do go out, I forget I have these nice outfits because I'm in a rush to get ready since usually I go out the last minute. I need to go out more, even if it is not with Ben, he goes out with other people and to nice places with them! Why can't I do the same thing and also to get my options open in case Ben ends up being a waste of my time. I wish I could DTR publicly with my parents about Ben but it is embarrassing telling them my romantic life and also how we NEVER go out anymore.

 Watching A Cinderella Story right now, this movie never gets old. I wish something like that happened in my life. I wear a nice dress and meet my Prince Charming who sweeps me off my feet. I wish I could wear a pretty dress and make myself look beautiful for someone since I never did for my high school dances. And when Ben does ask me out, it's usually to the movies and who wants to wear a pretty dress to the movies...oh Ben what can't you be the romantic like you said you were...are you my Prince Charming Ben? And if not, where are you my Prince Charming??? 

Black Friday Bill

I'm not looking forward to my Black Friday bills, especially from VS! I spent so much money so I can get the Black Friday tote. It was cute but next year, I'm just going to get one or wait till Black Friday since shipping was free with $25 purchase on Black Friday.  I shopped early for the tote bag since I am an angel rewards holder and you had to spend $100 or more or buy an UGGS product to get free shipping, I did both.  So next week year, I'll just wait till Black Friday to get the tote and not buy more things I don't need to get free shipping and they still have free shipping right now but with a $50 minimum purchase, ugh and you can free blanket too with $75 purchase. So next year just one tote bag and wait till after Black Friday to see what freebies they have. I only spent more then anticipated at VS because some of my cousins from Mexico are coming over winter break and I could give them the VS totes I got, since I have  bout more so I can have 2 extra tote bags for them. VS is really big in Mexico and expensive. It's sad how people from the US buy VS products and resell them in Mexico for more money then what they paid. People actually sell the bags you get for free when you purchase inside the store and they ask for extras too! Also, I've seen stores in Mexico sell the body sprays and perfumes for way more money, like $30 for the body sprays that you can get for 7 for $35. What they paid for the whole thing is what they charge for one, it's sad how the culture in Mexico is all about appearances. People in Mexico spend their paychecks on overprice clothes like Hollister and Aeropostle and perfumes like VS that people buy cheap in the US and then resell to make a profit. It's sad and I could never do anything like that, especially to my family. I would either give it as a gift or sell it for the price I paid. 

I'm glad I am done with my Christmas list because I seriously can't afford to spend anymore money. I should be saving my money for school instead of spending it on crap I don't need. And my family and Ben would understand that I could not afford Christmas gifts this year but nope I spent my money like crazy. I'm seriously done with online shopping or any type of shopping for that matter, unless it's for school, like textbooks, which reminds I need to look into my textbook list for next term. I'm glad I got Ben's Christmas gift early this. It's an electric razor like he always wanted. I also got an apple picture frame/ornament from Kohl's for $4, not to bad. I just need to put a picture of him teaching in it before I wrap it. Sadly, I don't know when I will give it to him since we never have date night anymore. Hopefully, I get more sub jobs before the school district goes on winter break so I can pay off my bills from Black Friday!!!

Friday, December 5, 2014

Still the same...sigh

So during Thanksgiving Ben was been nice, a little to nice.  Maybe since he had the week off, he had more time to text me.  He even offered to help me by checking my final paper since he knew I was burnt out from the week before.  I finished four papers the week before. I declined since he didn't look over my papers the week before and I knew I was going to finish my paper late at night and I just wanted to submit it asap. I didn't want to wait around for Ben to read my paper like I did last time and I ended up submitting my papers without someone checking them. Ben also said how we should celebrate the end of my semester but only because one of my guy friends had posted that on my wall. if it weren't for FB, Ben wouldn't know know what I was up to or feeling or vice versa.  Though I noticed Ben hasn't posted much or been tagged since the Halloween picture incident.  

So I am done with school until January.  I'll be having a Saturday morning class too again.  This time at 7AM, not that it matters since Ben never goes out with me anymore. Hopefully, I'll have more time to go to the gym and channel my sadness over Ben into something positive at least.  Ben has also been texting me just about every night with messages like how he missed me and stuff, the usual.  It still doesn't make up for the lack of date night. I didn't even see him once in November and that was my birthday month too!!! I wonder if he will remember my fake birthday this month too, probably not since he didn't remember last year.  My guess is we'll go out once this month, most likely towards the end of the month and that will be his way of making up for my birthdays and Christmas and then the next date night will be the day before his birthday, in February, if I'm lucky. His birthday is on a Sunday so maybe he have plans already the whole weekend of his birthday.

I also failed my CSET too :( but I have another chance in January.  If I don't pass then, then I'm fcucked. I'll have to take a semester off and retake the test till I'll pass.  Ben offered to help me study over winter break but only because he saw how someone posted on my wall how they were going to help me study.  I'm not holding my breath for Ben's help nor am I going to ask for his help either.  He didn't even help me study for the test the first time around. I don't want to rely on people to check my papers or help me study anymore. It sucks waiting for help only to be forgotten...cough, cough...Ben. I want to be more independent and not rely on people like Ben or that Okcupid guy for help. I'm tired of things still being the same, especially with Ben. I need a better social and academic life come 2015.