Saturday, September 28, 2013

Every 2 Weeks

I'm a really hurt and a little pissed off at Ben right now.  I'm ignoring his messages right now.  He's sent me 4 so far.  I'm probably overacting but then again I think I have every right to be mad at him.  So on Tuesday Ben was working and I asked how work was and he never told me but then I got a message saying how Ben updated his status on social media and I immediately got excited thinking he changed his status but then I saw it was just his status and not relationship status :/  It made me a little mad seeing his status because his status was about work and when I asked him about work earlier that day he never responded.  Wednesday and Thursday passed and I still waited for him to bring up the fair since he did mention it the last time we went out how we should go but still nothing.  I'm glad I didn't print out the free ticket because that would have been a waste of ink.  Friday came and he did text me and we did have a conversation, which we hadn't done so in a while.  He told me how he went to a fundraiser and who he saw and stuff like.  I wonder if people asked for me and what are status is and if they did what he said.  I was a little hurt because it would have been nice to be invited.  Technically I was but it would have been nice to be invited by Ben.  So I waited for him to bring up the fair and he never did so I thought maybe he would later.  So when I woke up this morning I was looking forward to going to the fair with Ben.  Even if we didn't go to the fair, I wouldn't mind just doing something with him, like watching a movie or going for a walk.  I sent him a cute picture as a hint that I wanted to see him but two hours went by before he sent me a message.  By then, I was pissed off and hurt and have been ignoring him since.  Watching A Cinderella Story and listening to Simple Plan's Jet Lag is making me miss him and mad at him at the same time.  I understand he is busy and has his bro nights and wants to spend time with his friends but however it makes me a little mad and hurt when he hangs out with other people all the time and with me just whenever he can fit me in his schedule.  Seriously, it seems like we only go out every 2 to 3 weeks.  Now that he is starting school again maybe it's going to be once a month, if even.  I don't know if I want to respond back to Ben's messages.  I told myself I would after 10 but now I feel like just ignoring him for the rest of the night.

Ben: Aww those are my favorite! How are you?
(Really pissed off at you, that's how I feel!!!)
Ben: And I need U too lol
(Really?! Sure doesn't seem that way.  Maybe u just need me to show me off just like every other guy I know!)

7:37 PM
Ben: I ended up not going to the fair, it was too expensive even with the free ticket :(
(So u did remember.  I don't believe that you weren't there but whatever bc at this point I'm really pissed off at you.  Were you even going to  invite me?  And how would you know that it was expensive hhmm???  You went to another fair this summer and with a girl too you jerk!  I think he only sent me this message since I put on my social media page today "Convenient....??????")

8:24 PM
Ben: What are you up to?
(Why do you care? I waited all day for you to invite me out and you never did.  What, you have no one else to hang out with or you just want to me sure that I'm not out with anyone else?)


Sunday, September 22, 2013

Downtown with Ben

Friday I had date night with Ben in downtown.  I had an outfit planned but didn't wear it because 1. I was having a bad hair day 2.  Worked was horrible and stayed longer they expected 3.  Which caused me not to have time to at least try to fix my hair :/  but that's OK, I feel comfortable enough with Ben to where I don't have to worry all the time what I look like.  I did have time to change so that was okay.  I met him at his house since it was close to my work.  I felt bad because I didn't meet his parents but he ensured me that it was okay and that they would probably prefer an earlier time and the heads up so they can feel presentable, especially his mom he said.  I understand because I feel the same way, I didn't feel presentable because of my hair.  At downtown, we went to a fancy Italian restaurant in my opinion.  It was nice.  I love hanging out with Ben because I feel like I can be me with him, he's always a gentleman and he always takes me to different places.  While at the restaurant, we were looking at this survey card and it asked why we choose this placed and Ben asked what would I say, and I jokingly said I was forced to come.  I saw that he looked a little hurt and was probably hoping that I would say something like "My boyfriend wanted to take me somewhere nice,"  I wanted to but I was nervous to refer Ben as my boyfriend since we haven't had the "DTR talk." One of these days, I'm going to work up the courage to have the "DTR talk."    However, are date night was cut short because he wasn't feeling well and I too wasn't feeling well in the restaurant but didn't say anything. 

 I don't know how I'm going to introduce him to my parents, I'm scared.  I don't have that type of relationship with my family and I'm a really private person too.  He's starting school this Thursday and he's taking 22 units so he'll be super busy and I'll be working soon and balancing that with my online class.  I'm a little bum because we'll be busy :/ but hopefully we'll have more date nights.  He did invite me to the fair next week, so hopefully, I can go.  I need to check to see if I have anything due that day and if I do, do it ahead, asap!  

Forgotten Past

I've been pretty much cleaning my room all day and while cleaning my room I found things from my past, meaning my ex boyfriend.  I always think when I find something linked to my ex boyfriend that those things will be the last connection to him but nope, I find things in the oddest places and wonder why I even saved it to being with and how much things I have left to discover.  While cleaning my closet I found a bag that had a picture frame that I decorated that I had planned to give my ex but never did.  I knew I still had this picture frame because I plan on one day of having a burning ceremony where I burn my "Ex Box."  My "Ex Box" is a box that has things of my ex that I plan to burn one of these days.  I could just throw it away but to me burning it has more meaning to me, it's like a Phoenix, where I rise from the ashes and become a new me because that's what I have been trying to do since we broke up and it's been six years, I know that is sad and pathetic but he was a jerk and destroyed me.  He would say sh** about me after we broke up and call me to make it seem like we would get back together but really he just wanted something from me, like letters of recommendation.  So afterwards, I just avoided guys because I was afraid of getting hurt and that all guys where the same but slowly over the years I have been putting my guards down and now I am so blessed to have Ben in my life.  Anyways, in this bag, there was a Christmas card with his name and it was sealed.  I wonder what I had wrote, I could have opened it but I don't want to revisit that past.  I'll leave that to future archaeologist to open it and read it. I tossed it because I don't wanted to be tempted to read it if I put it in the box.  That card caught me off guard but I'm just glad I'm getting rid of things that remind me of him and making progress cleaning my room.

Another thing I found while cleaning my room was a receipt from a restaurant dated 9/20/07.  I can't believe that was 6 years ago even though it doesn't seem like it.  I remember this day, I went and grabbed some food with some guy whose family HATES me now, and no joke, I think hate is an understatement.  I was surprised I even kept it and never noticed it before.  I also found a piece of paper with this guy's number and I remember when he gave it to me, the way he did it was cute.  I tried to hit him up after I become single but he wanted nothing to do with me so now when he tries to hit me up, I do the same thing, blunt to his messages like when he wants to hang and know when I am free.  Now that I think about it, I haven't heard from him in a while and that's fine with me.  2007 was quite the year for me as I found things from that time of my life.  I'm just glad I'm making progress with my room and putting that terrible past behind me.

This guy also texts me wanted to hang today.  I feel  bad because he isn't from here and I do want to hang but he kind of lives far but also I don't know if I'm just a joke that he will talk about later since he's in that circle with my ex.  Does he think I am a booty call?  Is he genuinely interested?  Am I just a prize?  Sadly, these are just some of the questions that I always think because that's how insecure I still sometimes after my ex and that was 6 years ago. :/  Even with Ben, I still feel insecure and think he'll leave me for someone else like my ex.   

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

A lil Worried

Still haven't picked up an assignment for my second job yet. :/ I'm worried I'll be terminated as they say at the second job.  There was one for today but the drive was out of my comfort zone and the gas price probably wouldn't be worth the pay.  I looked today to see if there was any but the website was down, just my luck.  And to make matters worse, I won't be able to work Thursday and Friday  because I have training and meetings for my first job.  Maybe it is a sign that I have been looking for telling me to pursue something else, like my true passion, anthropology.

I tried last night looking up government jobs by no surprise I lacked the usual, experience and knowledge.  So then I looked up entry level jobs with little experience and entry level jobs for recent college grads and I pretty much just got all sale rep jobs, which I would be horrible at, my communication skills lack and trying to convince someone to buy something is something I couldn't ever do to save my life.  So for now I am still determine for an anthropology job and praying that my second job doesn't terminate yet.  I think I'm going to start praying to St. Cajetan.  I started praying to him after months of not finding a job and after praying to him for a week, I landed my first job.  Even though it is a part time, I was just happy to start working so I can expand my resume and it happened to be near Ben too, which was an additional plus.  Hopefully, I can find a job so Ben and I can have a secure future together.      

Sunday, September 15, 2013

"F" for Failure

Wednesday, 9/11/13

I feel like a failure with a capital “F.”  Someone else I know just got married.  I always imagined that I would be married and have at least one child by now.  As the years went by while I was in college and I realized that my love life was virtually none existing, I at least hoped to be engaged by this time in my life but nope.  I at least have someone in my life right now and last night as we were talking we somehow ended up talking about stuff animals and he was showing me a Beanie Baby that he said would help pay for my ring. I thought that was sweet and adorable but unfortunately Beanie Babies are not worth that much due to inflation.  Still, I would be happy if he asked me without a ring, I would rather the ring be spent towards a home for us or just the official wedding bands.  I wish we could be married now but realistically we are both not financially stable.  Ben is still taking classes towards becoming a teacher so when does become a teacher he won’t be making that much and my first job doesn’t pay that well to live off of.  My other job, I fear I will be terminated soon since you are supposed to work at least 3xs a month and I haven’t worked so far.  There was a job available for tomorrow and it was kind of close but I am not emotionally ready to work tomorrow.  I’ve been really sleepy lately, partly due to the medication I was taking for my respiratory infection and also I just want to continue making progress on cleaning my room and start my homework that is due on Friday. I also put down that I am not available on Thursday since my other job has a different start time on Thursdays and also my online class usually has things due on Thursdays too. I can check job opening starting at 5AM but I have been really tired and this is the first week that I have been able to breathe since I had a respiratory infection.  My permit for my second job expires in November and if I get terminated then I really will be limited on jobs that I can pursue.  My parents pointed out earlier this week that I need a job that makes 40k and has benefits like health and retirement.  The jobs they suggested I have no desire whatsoever but deep down inside I still long to work in the anthropology field but of course I can’t tell my parent that because they just care about money, until me, I care about doing and working in something that I am passionate about.  They claim that they will help me pay for my schooling if I want to be a teacher like Ben but I don’t and plus I don’t trust my parents to actually keep their word on paying.  They keep forcing this job on me and it is making me every time not considering it more and more.  I do want to go back to school but for masters in anthropology, my heart belongs to anthropology.  I do have a family member that works at a university as a janitor for a lab.  I am considering applying to a job like that so I can go to that school and pay for my master’s program/graduate school.  I wouldn’t care if I had to clean dirty bathrooms as long as I was pursuing something I loved.  I’m more motivated when I am pursuing something I want, I think if I went to the teacher program, it would be hard because I am terrified of speeches and it’s a lot of work and I stress really easily and have no support at home.  I’d rather put that time and energy into an anthropology master’s program. So for now, I feel like a failure and still don’t know what I’m going to do with my life, the clock is ticking for me.  I really want a better job that makes me happy and that can help support a future for Ben and me. 

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Couldn't Ask

Last Thursday I spent the afternoon and evening with Ben.  He wanted to see me before he went camping for the weekend.  He also wanted me to help him pick out vests for work.  I can't believe just around this time last year I had actually went on a blind date with someone that I had met online.  I'm glad I didn't get catfish and the person turned out to be cool but timing was just off.  He always invited me to places things last minute and late when I would be in my pajamas or he wanted me to hang with his friends too.  I wouldn't have mind meeting his friends once I had more time getting to know him one-on-one because I'm really shy at first so I could only imagine how super shy I would have been around him and his friends.  He probably hates me by now but I wish him all the best.  Also, I was still trying to figure out my feelings for Ben.  I feel like Ben is the one for me and I love how he treats me and makes me feel.  Well getting back to last Thursday, so we hung out at the mall and afterwards we went to grab something to eat.  He actually was going to introduced me to his parents but his mom wasn't home and also my nose was super congested.  So it probably would have been a little embarrassing for me to meet Ben's parents for the first time and talking to them with a stuffy nose.  So we went to our spot to eat and talk.  It was nice talking and seeing the city below.  I just wished I didn't have a stuffy noise.  I loved it when we would walk around and he would pick me up and carry me over parts because I was wearing sandals and didn't want to fall.  I just loved being in his arms. I thought may be he would ask me to be his girlfriend officially or we would be talking normally and he would refer to me as my boyfriend or his girlfriend. and then I could bring it up but he didn't.  On the way back home I tried to work up the courage to bring up the "DTR Talk," but I would get scared.  I even tried to drop hints like talking about how our wedding would be like or bringing up his friends from the wedding and asked if they were still single in 3s.  That didn't work, I was trying to drop hints with these topics but they didn't work and I was hard to understand with my stuffy nose.  I thought about asking him straight out but I still want the romantic asking me to be his girlfriend and plus my nose was stuffy so it was hard to understand what I was trying to say and if I was going to ask, I didn't want to ask with my stuffy nose.  So I just eventually let it go.  I was sad when he dropped me off because I knew I wouldn't hear from him until he got back from camping and I was sad that I couldn't DTR.  I know if I asked he would say something like "Yes, your my girlfriend, I just couldn't find the right way to ask because I've been hurt in the past and I'm never good at stuff like that" (like Valentine's Day, when he wanted to ask me but couldn't find the right words), so I imagine he would say something like that.  I know we our a couple but still for all I know we could be casual dating or even worse, friends with benefits.  I couldn't stop thinking of Ben all this weekend, I was just so happy with him at our spot on Thursday.  I went to a fair and thought of Ben.  Everything reminded me of Ben, maybe we will go together one of these days.  I went to a wedding on Sunday.  It reminded me of how Ben invited me to a wedding.  During the wedding, the minister said how you marry your best friend and I thought about, and Ben is my best friend.  I can tell him anything and he respects what I say and I can be me around him.  Maybe wedding bells will be in the near future for us.