Monday, March 30, 2015

Uncertain Future

My future is uncertain. Here's why: Everything for my last term needed to be completed and submitted by March 23, 11:59 PM. So all of last week I worked and wonder how I did on my assignments and classes. All I wanted to do last week was catch up on my sleep too. I am worried about one class since I did not do a good job on my portfolio assessment and if you don't pass that then you can't take the next class for it. It's bad enough I didn't pass my social studies test and now can't take my student teaching in April. Last Wednesday night, a classmate texted me and told me how he didn't do well on his portfolio assessment. I checked and my had not been graded yet. An hour later I received an email notification how my portfolio assessment had been graded. I told Ben and he said we could look at it after I finish work. We had plans for that day but they had to be change since I took a sub assignment to work that day. He was going to get tickets for the HK exhibition museum but he said to take the job and that we could to the museum exhibit another day. I met Ben after work last Thursday. I was nervous because I was going to find out how I did on my portfolio assessment and also excited because it was going to see Ben and actually spend time with him and FINALLY give him his Christmas present, birthday present, and Valentine's Day present. So we went to Starbucks and he opened his presents which I was nervous about that because I didn't know if he would like them or not. He first opened the box that had his birthday and Valentine's day presents. He opened the red fortune HK box that had that had the HK figurine inside. He commented how he liked the box and like the HK inside. I told him how for Valentine's Day I had envisioned giving it to him with a balloon attach and the box filled with hearts inside, either candy or origami. After that, it was the gourd bird with the Lego cake set inside. I didn't know how he was going to like. he took it out and made a gasping sound of delight. He loved it and said he would put it on his desk. I told him how it was Peru and that it opens. He opened it and like the Lego cake. He then opened the presents that were in the gift bag since not everything could fit in the bag because of the electric razor. He took out the electric razor first. He made another gasping sound which caught me by surprise since I was brushing my hair. I turned to him and he told me how he liked the razor and how he wanted one. I told him how I remember how he said he wanted him. Next, it was the apple frame. He like it but wished I had put a picture in it. I was going to but I couldn't find the file for the picture I had and then I got really busy with school and work but I can always give it to him later or he can put one of his choice. Then finally the last gift was the Nightwing t-shirt. I told him how he reminded me of Nightwing when he had long hair and how I wanted to take pictures with him wearing the shirt and me wearing a Batman one. He loved his gift and I was happy but my happiness was short lived. He checked my portfolio assessment and I didn't do well. I shed a few tears and he comforted me. He thinks I might be able to take the next class, so hopefully he was right. He checked the work I submitted for feedback and he didn't see any. 20 minutes I lost it and he took me back to his car where I lost it. He wanted to make me feel better and asked what I wanted to do and I told him he could picked. He suggested the mall and the movies. He ended up picking the movies and thought Cinderella would make me feel better since he knew I wanted to see it. It was cute but it made me sad in some parts because I was thinking about school. I also thought how I will be never be good enough for someone to go to the ends of the worlds for or take to a ball. I mean, look at past, I went to prom by myself (but I had fun) and it seems like I'll never finish school, get a good job and leave home and start a new life. :/ But I didn't tell Ben what I was thinking. IDK why he wants to be with me at times, I'm really useless when I think about myself. Anyways, after the movies it was getting late. Before I left, he told me things to make me feel better and to get rest when I got home since I had work the next day. I shed a few more tears and he gave me a hug, which made me feel better to have his arms around me. Before I left, he told me to how he would be there for me if I needed him and no matter what time it was he would get in his car to get to me should I need him. He also told me to think positive because we don't know if I failed yet and might be able to get to take the next class. Later that night, he texted me how Cinderella reminded him of me and how he wanted to take me to a ball. I told him I was a terrible dancer and there was no balls. Well there are balls, but neither of us have access to going to one. Maybe one day or maybe we can have a dance together if we chaperon a dance. So now Idk what my future will be like. I'm scared and full of anxiety. I checked this morning for a list of my textbooks I would need but it wasn't posted yet which makes me wonder if I had passed my class or not. I asked Ben to check my final grades for me but he said when he checked it wasn't posted. Today, I received a welcome email from professor for the class I enrolled next term. It could mean I passed or it could mean the roster of the class hasn't been updated yet. I could be still enrolled but later dropped once grades are released. It's nerve-racking because my future is uncertain. Did I pass? Did I not pass? What I am dreading is thinking about my future if I didn't pass my class. I lose my fin aid, angry parents, I will have to take the class again and without fin aid, Idk how I'll afford it. My uncertain future is scary and stressing me out and I pray for a miracle I passed.

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Answer to Questions

I saw Ben last week. I was working on a group project at our former university and he stopped by to give us feedback on our project. It was the first time I had seen him since our last date night, which was in December. After we called it quits for the night, we went to eat. He gave me my Valentine's Day present which was the Hello Kitty nail art, 3 Twix bars, and Hello Kitty stickers. It was sweet since he knows I like Hello Kitty and painting my nails. Also, he knows I am not big on chocolate, but I do like chocolate with caramel, like Twix and Snickers. I wished I had brought him his gift. I wasn't sure if he was going to come or not and I didn't want to be seen with the gifts in my hands at my house. The only thing that killed the mood for me that night was seeing a deflated birthday balloon in the back seats of his car after the late dinner. It just reminded me of how little I get to see him and how I never get to celebrate a birthday with him. He got a phone call after the dinner and one of his friends asked if he was going to come for ditch day the following day. Every year his friends have a ditch day where they ditch either work or school and spend a day together. He had thought it was for the following week and was still thinking about going. So there was a 50/50 chance I would see him the next day or not. So the next day I worked on my group project. We were all hoping Ben would come but he didn't, he decided to ditch work. Ben offered to review our project. He said we could film it or send him the PowerPoint presentation but we just wanted to submit our project asap, which we did. I was bummed he didn't come because I brought his gifts too. He also wanted a date night for that weekend but I was busy with school and a part of me was hurt and bummed seeing the birthday balloon and how I brought his gifts but he didn't come. It didn't help that over the weekend I was watching Millionaire Matchmaker and Patty was asking the lady candidates what's the most romantic thing a guy has ever done for them. I thought about it and I really couldn't think of something. I once had a guy who tried to surprise me by taking me to a sushi restaurant in Laguna Beach. I declined because I had felt underdressed when I saw him and I didn't want to be out late. I also thought it was a little much for a first date but it was thought that counted. I'm still used to guys taking me to what Ben might consider chain restaurants and movies. Even now I couldn't answer that question. I mean Ben does help me with school when I really need it so that's romantic but romantic-romantic like someone sending me flowers at work, I guess no one has ever done anything that romantic. Patty also asked, "What's the most romantic thing they have done for a guy?" I thought about, I haven't done anything either I guess, so it does go both ways. I guess for me the only romantic things I have really done is decorate Ben's house and car for Valentine's Day. It would be nice for once if a guy actually did something romantic for me besides dinner and movies. I just want to feel special for once and have a guy take the time to plan and do something romantic and memorable.