Sunday, October 27, 2013

Broken on the Inside and Out

I'm feeling depressed right now, well actually I have been feeling like this all weekend long.  I really miss Ben but he seems distance lately, especially since I met his mom.  I understand that he's really busy, especially since he's taking 22 units this fall, but still, he seems more distance then usually.  I'll text him something like "I miss you," or send him a heart and sometimes he'll respond and sometimes he won't.  Some days I wait to send him a message until he does but then a day or two passes before he sends me a message or if I do, it's to break the silence.  Saturday he sent me a picture of a soccer game at 6:29, I saw it at 6:49 but decided to wait till I got home from the gym to send a message because I was a little hurt.  I was hurt because he's out somewhere and I feel like he just schedules me in every couple of weeks whenever it's convenient for him but yet he's always out with other people.  I wonder who he went to this soccer game, (I'm assuming it was a game) with?  So after I came home from the gym and settled in I sent him a message 10:20 PM which said, "Oh cool, where's that at?" and I haven't heard back from him.  I wonder if I di something wrong.  Does his mom disapprove of me and is avoiding me because of it.  I don't know and it's driving me nuts.  I don't feel like subbing  because I know I won't be able to stay concentrated on my assignment and I would also be tempted to look at my phone,  hoping to hear from Ben.  Depending where I sub, seeing couples would also break my heart.  I'm tired of putting of subbing but I know I'll be sad, especially if I don't hear from Ben and it will show on my face.  :/  It might also rain tomorrow, so driving in the rain gives me anxiety and if it's raining and I'm driving to place I've never been before, I get flustered and by the time I arrive I'm a big hot mess and I'll be all out of whack the rest of the day.  Hopefully Tuesday, I'll feel better to be ready to sub.

My birthday is also getting closer and I'm surprised Ben hasn't said anything about it.  It's still kind of early but still I'm surprised he hasn't said anything about it, like where do I want to go or eat or what do I want.  So at this point right now, I'm still deciding if Ben does decide call me at midnight on my birthday, I don't know if I want to answer it or not.  This distance between us is starting to eat me up inside.  I don't know what to do and there's a million questions going through my mind like "Does he even like me?  Did I do something wrong?  Did he meet someone else?  Does his mom not like me?  Does he want to see other people?  Is he seeing other people?"  I don't know?!  I truly do not know and my eyes are getting watery just thinking about it :'(          

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