Off My Chest

So last Thursday night I got some things off of my chest to Ben. I felt kind of bad since he is sick in bed right now but on the other hand it felt kind of freeing to get it off of my chest. I think what triggered it was earlier in the week I was at a furniture store and the TVs were playing music videos and one of the videos playing was Youngblood Hawke's We Come Running songs and it reminded me how I wanted to see them perform and Ben asked me out the following week. So that triggered some emotions and then it began to build more when watching Arranged and Married At First Sight because like some of the individuals on the show, I too question Ben's feeling and more then anything I want to be swept off my feet and have someone romanticized me. If it weren't for school, I would probably see Ben less then I do now. So I had asked to meet Ben Friday morning before I had work and he was sick so I wasn't mad and then as we started messaging back and forth I kind of snapped and got some things off my chest. Ben had said how he missed me and wanted to see me soon and then I said how we only have date night like every three months to which he replied how he knows. This definitely triggered something because um hello?! if you know, then why don't you do something about it?! He then asked what days I was free for the following week and I told him I was either free Tuesday or Thursday but I wasn't sure and also I still have school and have another big project I need to do. He then asked about Friday and then I told him how I have work and school. He once again forgot I school on Friday and not that it matters because we don't go out really anymore. He then asked when I would what day I was free next week because he really wants to see me next me. Then I replied how I wasn't sure what day yet and how with him how he always says next week and then it turns into months. Then Ben said how he could see I was upsetting me and how we could talk about this another time. I told him I didn't mean to be a bitch but how I just want to spend more time with him because eventually I want him to meet my parents but they are very judgmental and would think its weird how we only got out once every couple of months. He agreed and then added how he thinks its weird meeting me at places like Costco or the movie theaters and then this pissed me off. I only meet him here because sometimes I come straight there from work or I miss him so badly that I try to see him whenever I can even if it means meeting somewhere "weird" to Ben and even if its just for a moment. That kind of hurt and pissed me off and then I brought up the summer and how I don't want to not see him for an entire summer like last summer and I mentioned how I didn't seem him until October. He said he was sorry about that and how he is trying to save money and get his life straightened out. Okay...but um it sure doesn't seem like that on FB. That is another thing I need to get off my chest one of these days. So before last summer, the last time I saw was in May and that was for a school project and then summer went by and I didn't see him and then September and then almost October. And the only reason why he even asked me out in October because of what I posted on FB, which said something like this, "You are always too busy for me but never for others, go fcuk yourself!!!" And this was in to response to the picture I had seen on his FB profile so basically he just asked me out that time out of guilt. Then he only asked me in December because once again I posted something on FB in response to what I saw on his FB profile. He was celebrating someone's birthday but yet he didn't even wished me a happy birthday on my actual or unhappy birthday. He allegedly wanted to do something on my birthday but he said he had a bad at work, IDK if it's true or not. And he never brought up my birthday again until I posted on FB how birthdays are not meant to be forgotten and so that's pretty much why he asked me in December. Then January passed and then February came. I didn't offer to do anything for Ben's birthday, not that it matter because he already had plans and then he asked me for Valentine's Day but I was sick but if Valentine's Day wasn't in February he probably wouldn't have asked. Then I saw him either towards the end of February or beginning of March but that was to run a presentation for me and like I said, if it weren't for school, I wouldn't see that munch. Then I saw him sometime in April to look at results and then I was emotional wreck so I ruined that date and that was the last time I saw him. So this school year, I've only seen Ben four times, wow. Anyways back to the story, so Ben then asked again about seeing me next week then I said how we could have our next date in August but if that was to soon, then December. He picked up on my sarcasm and told me how he will try to see more of me and how he tries to text me everyday so I know that he is thinking of me and how great and amazing I was. But for all I know, he could be saying this to three other girls right now. So now a part of me feels good that I got this off of my chest and then a part of me now thinks if he does ask me out, he is doing it out of guilt and not asking me out genuinely. I want to feel like his girlfriend but right now I feel like how I always do with guys, just some girl they ask when no one else is available or have finally reached the end of their contacts or remember I exist. Next school year I am not putting up with this bs. If he doesn't even try to see me in the summer I am going to be pissed and then when schools starts again and if doesn't even try I am done. I wouldn't be mad if we didn't see each other because we are busy with school and work but only if Ben at least tried to see me at least one a month but if he keeps saying he is busy and then posting pictures of him having a great time then in December I am done. I am not going to put up with this in 2016. I am getting old and I don't want to be wasting my time with someone who doesn't care. I'm tired of not feeling like his girlfriend and then seeing him always out on FB while I have to see it and be reminded of how we have only seen each 4 times, 4 times!!!! I bet if I asked to name our last three dates, he couldn't. I guess for now, only time will tell.