Sunday, April 26, 2015
Opened All Day & Night
So I texted Ben Thursday night because I was having a bad day. He asked if I was mad at him and I told him how I was really stressed and avoiding people because I didn't want to snap and take my anger out on the wrong person. That was semi true even though I was mad at him. I did tell him how if he was busy those days he could of just said so. He said he remember but was waiting for me to say something about it. I don't know, I personally think he forgot as usual and only remember when I started to ignore him. I did ask him for help on a lesson plan. I just wanted him to look at it and point me in the right direction in which I was doing wrong. I just sent it to him via email and didn't text him since I figured he would be busy. He texted me at 9:46 PM Friday night how he just saw my email. It read, "Sweetheart! I just saw your email right now! You should've texted me to let me know that you sent me an email. I can look over it. When do you need it done?" I told him how it was okay and that I had already submitted it. I did think about texting him but when I have asked him for helped in the past, he is usually late to respond and I end up submitting it without his feedback. I've come to the conclusion not to ask for his help anymore. I need to start relying on myself and less on Ben. I think he did feel bad since he asked on Saturday if I needed help with anything and I told him how Saturday was my day off from thinking about school. I told him how I was teaching two lessons next week on WWII and he tried to offer me some ideas. I told him thanks and would worry about that later. I also haven't been texting him that much either. I'm still a little mad about not seeing him last week and now I am going to be busy the next upcoming weeks until school is out and then I might take a summer course so who knows what my summer will be like. Ben also texted me earlier today to tell me how today was his mom's birthday and how she doesn't like birthdays either. He sent me a picture of the Lego cake I gave him and he told me how he put it together for his mom. He also said he wanted to take his mom to Disneyland before she got older. He kind of hint at taking me but not really, he just asked how I don't like crowds, which is true but it depends. I wouldn't be oppose to Ben taking me but I doubt it he ever will. He cant even meet me for lunch so I don't see Disneyland in the near future. Also, if he took his mom, I would feel bad and like a third wheel. I feel bad because I would feel like I was imposing on their mother son outing and then a third wheel and going on rides where there is seats for two people would be awkward figuring out who gets to sit next to Ben. I'm going to be optimistic and hope that Ben and I will finally have a summer for us. I went to the gym tonight also. I almost went to the one Omar went to but I didn't. I didn't want flashbacks and get sad over Omar. Which reminds me, I still need to watch Tengo Ganas a Ti . I was going to watch it last night but I was tired and would probably fall asleep watching it. I always feel like Heche when I go the gym where Omar use to work at. I think I see him but it isn't him. I want to start going to the gym more, even before work or student teaching or after class on Friday. I just need that spark of motivation. Omar was my spark years ago. I would get up early and stay late up late working out. I even did my homework early so I could go to the gym and not worry about it. I think it also made my last year at community college more enjoyable and go by faster. He also helped me find me but he will never know what a difference he made in my life. I wished I had another motivation like Omar in my life. I'm not looking for something romantic like Ben but someone who can get me motivated in life again and help me find myself again.