Thursday, October 30, 2014

Not Ready

I am not ready for my test this Saturday.  I have not study and there is so much to know.  I'm worried what is going to happen if I don't pass.  It is going to effect next term that's for sure.  I'll prob won't be able to take classes bc I need that test for those classes and I'll lose my fin aid for good since I am already on academic probation with them...sigh...October was not a good month for me that's for sure.  It was emotionally draining because I fell behind in school which was out of my control and then I come home dead tired from work and then when I wake up I either need to get ready for work and/or finish homework.  I thought Ben would help me study too but nope.  He just once again just told me what I wanted to hear on date night.  Oh well, I shouldn't rely on him to help me study or help with school, I need to stop relying on people and become independent. 

I'm also really not looking forward to my birthday either.  I'll be wondering how badly did I fail my test and how f***ed I'll be next term.  Then I will also loose all my insurances too and I have no benefits at work and I can' afford insurance on my own.  All the fake niceness and attention will also piss me off and drive me nuts.  A person shouldn't have to wait for their birthday or Valentine's Day for this type of attention.  People should do it out of the kindness of their heart throughout the year and not just holidays and birthdays.  I don't mind people posting me on my wall but don't expect me to take you out and treat you on your birthday.  Ben hasn't mention my birthday either.  Lol, I wonder if he still thinks my birthday is a different month.  Anyways, he'll most likely be working on my birthday since he got another long term assignment job.  Then he will come home and nap till 6 PM.  By the time he wakes up I'll be way over my birthday and in no mood to celebrate my birthday any longer by the time he gets ready which can be anywhere from7:30-8:30. 

I think I am going to keep my birthday to myself this year.  I'll be depressed with everything around school and the attention and niceness will just get me mad I'll latch out at whoever is by me.  I think I'm just going to turn my phone off  for the day&keep it off the whole day.  I don't want to see invites from people that I have not seen or spoken to in a while to hang with them and celebrate my birthday with them.  I think I am going to go to a museum exhibit and spend my birthday their away from everyone.  Ben will prob be working anyways to want to go with me, I wouldn't be surprise if he has seen the exhibit, and if he does want to see with me he'll never follow through and the exhibit will be gone by January 4th.  I pray that a miracle happens and I pass my test and have a decent birthday for once.  If it does, I will promise to pay it forward in the future when I am financially stable and teaching somehow and in someway. 

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