Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Te extraño

I haven't been to a gym class but I am at least going to the gym on the weekends more.  I might have to stop going to the gym that Omar once worked at to save gas and mileage on my car.  A part of me wants to find a new gym where I don't think about Omar or I don't see people I know.  There isn't one close to the new potential school.  There was one close to my former host school but oh well, it wasn't meant to be at the school. 

I feel guilty that I mostly go to Omar's former gym because a part of me misses him and hopes I'll run into him again.  It's like in the movie Tengo Ganas De Ti, where the main character Hache is trying to forget his first love Babi after returning back home.  There is one scene where he is at a club where he has a memory of Babi at the club but it just a memory he realizes.  It is like that for me at this gym, I have memories of Omar and then reality comes back and I realize Omar is not here and will never come back.  I also get excited when I think someone is him or I think it is his car I see.  I don't know why he lingers in the back of my mind.  I think a part of me wonders what would of happened if we actually went out.  Would I hate him like I did with my ex once it ended?  Would we still be together?

I don't think Omar actually ever liked me.  He had many chances to tell me or drop hints if he did.  Maybe he did drop hints but I missed them.  I may never know.  I'm sure he only liked me as a friend because when he left that gym he could of told me.  The last time I saw him in person, which was three years ago, he had a girlfriend.  Then last year, I found out through FB that he had moved to a different state and was engaged.  When he messaged me on FB over the summer I didn't click on his profile page.  I didn't want to know if he was still engaged or if he was married by now.  I need to let him go, like Heche did with Babi after they both realized they were meant to fall in love but stay together.  Heche and Babi both found other loves so I know I will too with Ben.  I need to stop with these fantasies of Omar coming back and we getting together bc it will never happen. 

 I just hope Ben isn't cheating on me since we haven't gone out in a while and he is being real nice.  He even wanted to Skype a couple of times but I was dead asleep and didn't see his messages in time.  He keeps sending me messages of how he loves me lately.  It is nice and what I want but also I wonder if he is doing it out if guilt.  He messaged me thus week of how The Book of Life was coming out and he remember that I wanted to see but he didn't ask me to go see it with him.  He was a his school's homecoming game the day it came out.  I wonder if he went to the homecoming dance to chaperon and if he brought a date?  I need to stop worrying about my love life and focus on school because future jobs are not going to care about my love life when they see my grades and ask about my work experience.  Well time to get back to focusing on school I have a big exam to study for!!!      

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