Forgotten Past

I've been pretty much cleaning my room all day and while cleaning my room I found things from my past, meaning my ex boyfriend.  I always think when I find something linked to my ex boyfriend that those things will be the last connection to him but nope, I find things in the oddest places and wonder why I even saved it to being with and how much things I have left to discover.  While cleaning my closet I found a bag that had a picture frame that I decorated that I had planned to give my ex but never did.  I knew I still had this picture frame because I plan on one day of having a burning ceremony where I burn my "Ex Box."  My "Ex Box" is a box that has things of my ex that I plan to burn one of these days.  I could just throw it away but to me burning it has more meaning to me, it's like a Phoenix, where I rise from the ashes and become a new me because that's what I have been trying to do since we broke up and it's been six years, I know that is sad and pathetic but he was a jerk and destroyed me.  He would say sh** about me after we broke up and call me to make it seem like we would get back together but really he just wanted something from me, like letters of recommendation.  So afterwards, I just avoided guys because I was afraid of getting hurt and that all guys where the same but slowly over the years I have been putting my guards down and now I am so blessed to have Ben in my life.  Anyways, in this bag, there was a Christmas card with his name and it was sealed.  I wonder what I had wrote, I could have opened it but I don't want to revisit that past.  I'll leave that to future archaeologist to open it and read it. I tossed it because I don't wanted to be tempted to read it if I put it in the box.  That card caught me off guard but I'm just glad I'm getting rid of things that remind me of him and making progress cleaning my room.

Another thing I found while cleaning my room was a receipt from a restaurant dated 9/20/07.  I can't believe that was 6 years ago even though it doesn't seem like it.  I remember this day, I went and grabbed some food with some guy whose family HATES me now, and no joke, I think hate is an understatement.  I was surprised I even kept it and never noticed it before.  I also found a piece of paper with this guy's number and I remember when he gave it to me, the way he did it was cute.  I tried to hit him up after I become single but he wanted nothing to do with me so now when he tries to hit me up, I do the same thing, blunt to his messages like when he wants to hang and know when I am free.  Now that I think about it, I haven't heard from him in a while and that's fine with me.  2007 was quite the year for me as I found things from that time of my life.  I'm just glad I'm making progress with my room and putting that terrible past behind me.

This guy also texts me wanted to hang today.  I feel  bad because he isn't from here and I do want to hang but he kind of lives far but also I don't know if I'm just a joke that he will talk about later since he's in that circle with my ex.  Does he think I am a booty call?  Is he genuinely interested?  Am I just a prize?  Sadly, these are just some of the questions that I always think because that's how insecure I still sometimes after my ex and that was 6 years ago. :/  Even with Ben, I still feel insecure and think he'll leave me for someone else like my ex.   

A lil Worried

Still haven't picked up an assignment for my second job yet. :/ I'm worried I'll be terminated as they say at the second job.  There was one for today but the drive was out of my comfort zone and the gas price probably wouldn't be worth the pay.  I looked today to see if there was any but the website was down, just my luck.  And to make matters worse, I won't be able to work Thursday and Friday  because I have training and meetings for my first job.  Maybe it is a sign that I have been looking for telling me to pursue something else, like my true passion, anthropology.

I tried last night looking up government jobs by no surprise I lacked the usual, experience and knowledge.  So then I looked up entry level jobs with little experience and entry level jobs for recent college grads and I pretty much just got all sale rep jobs, which I would be horrible at, my communication skills lack and trying to convince someone to buy something is something I couldn't ever do to save my life.  So for now I am still determine for an anthropology job and praying that my second job doesn't terminate yet.  I think I'm going to start praying to St. Cajetan.  I started praying to him after months of not finding a job and after praying to him for a week, I landed my first job.  Even though it is a part time, I was just happy to start working so I can expand my resume and it happened to be near Ben too, which was an additional plus.  Hopefully, I can find a job so Ben and I can have a secure future together.      

"F" for Failure

Wednesday, 9/11/13

I feel like a failure with a capital “F.”  Someone else I know just got married.  I always imagined that I would be married and have at least one child by now.  As the years went by while I was in college and I realized that my love life was virtually none existing, I at least hoped to be engaged by this time in my life but nope.  I at least have someone in my life right now and last night as we were talking we somehow ended up talking about stuff animals and he was showing me a Beanie Baby that he said would help pay for my ring. I thought that was sweet and adorable but unfortunately Beanie Babies are not worth that much due to inflation.  Still, I would be happy if he asked me without a ring, I would rather the ring be spent towards a home for us or just the official wedding bands.  I wish we could be married now but realistically we are both not financially stable.  Ben is still taking classes towards becoming a teacher so when does become a teacher he won’t be making that much and my first job doesn’t pay that well to live off of.  My other job, I fear I will be terminated soon since you are supposed to work at least 3xs a month and I haven’t worked so far.  There was a job available for tomorrow and it was kind of close but I am not emotionally ready to work tomorrow.  I’ve been really sleepy lately, partly due to the medication I was taking for my respiratory infection and also I just want to continue making progress on cleaning my room and start my homework that is due on Friday. I also put down that I am not available on Thursday since my other job has a different start time on Thursdays and also my online class usually has things due on Thursdays too. I can check job opening starting at 5AM but I have been really tired and this is the first week that I have been able to breathe since I had a respiratory infection.  My permit for my second job expires in November and if I get terminated then I really will be limited on jobs that I can pursue.  My parents pointed out earlier this week that I need a job that makes 40k and has benefits like health and retirement.  The jobs they suggested I have no desire whatsoever but deep down inside I still long to work in the anthropology field but of course I can’t tell my parent that because they just care about money, until me, I care about doing and working in something that I am passionate about.  They claim that they will help me pay for my schooling if I want to be a teacher like Ben but I don’t and plus I don’t trust my parents to actually keep their word on paying.  They keep forcing this job on me and it is making me every time not considering it more and more.  I do want to go back to school but for masters in anthropology, my heart belongs to anthropology.  I do have a family member that works at a university as a janitor for a lab.  I am considering applying to a job like that so I can go to that school and pay for my master’s program/graduate school.  I wouldn’t care if I had to clean dirty bathrooms as long as I was pursuing something I loved.  I’m more motivated when I am pursuing something I want, I think if I went to the teacher program, it would be hard because I am terrified of speeches and it’s a lot of work and I stress really easily and have no support at home.  I’d rather put that time and energy into an anthropology master’s program. So for now, I feel like a failure and still don’t know what I’m going to do with my life, the clock is ticking for me.  I really want a better job that makes me happy and that can help support a future for Ben and me. 

Couldn't Ask

Last Thursday I spent the afternoon and evening with Ben.  He wanted to see me before he went camping for the weekend.  He also wanted me to help him pick out vests for work.  I can't believe just around this time last year I had actually went on a blind date with someone that I had met online.  I'm glad I didn't get catfish and the person turned out to be cool but timing was just off.  He always invited me to places things last minute and late when I would be in my pajamas or he wanted me to hang with his friends too.  I wouldn't have mind meeting his friends once I had more time getting to know him one-on-one because I'm really shy at first so I could only imagine how super shy I would have been around him and his friends.  He probably hates me by now but I wish him all the best.  Also, I was still trying to figure out my feelings for Ben.  I feel like Ben is the one for me and I love how he treats me and makes me feel.  Well getting back to last Thursday, so we hung out at the mall and afterwards we went to grab something to eat.  He actually was going to introduced me to his parents but his mom wasn't home and also my nose was super congested.  So it probably would have been a little embarrassing for me to meet Ben's parents for the first time and talking to them with a stuffy nose.  So we went to our spot to eat and talk.  It was nice talking and seeing the city below.  I just wished I didn't have a stuffy noise.  I loved it when we would walk around and he would pick me up and carry me over parts because I was wearing sandals and didn't want to fall.  I just loved being in his arms. I thought may be he would ask me to be his girlfriend officially or we would be talking normally and he would refer to me as my boyfriend or his girlfriend. and then I could bring it up but he didn't.  On the way back home I tried to work up the courage to bring up the "DTR Talk," but I would get scared.  I even tried to drop hints like talking about how our wedding would be like or bringing up his friends from the wedding and asked if they were still single in 3s.  That didn't work, I was trying to drop hints with these topics but they didn't work and I was hard to understand with my stuffy nose.  I thought about asking him straight out but I still want the romantic asking me to be his girlfriend and plus my nose was stuffy so it was hard to understand what I was trying to say and if I was going to ask, I didn't want to ask with my stuffy nose.  So I just eventually let it go.  I was sad when he dropped me off because I knew I wouldn't hear from him until he got back from camping and I was sad that I couldn't DTR.  I know if I asked he would say something like "Yes, your my girlfriend, I just couldn't find the right way to ask because I've been hurt in the past and I'm never good at stuff like that" (like Valentine's Day, when he wanted to ask me but couldn't find the right words), so I imagine he would say something like that.  I know we our a couple but still for all I know we could be casual dating or even worse, friends with benefits.  I couldn't stop thinking of Ben all this weekend, I was just so happy with him at our spot on Thursday.  I went to a fair and thought of Ben.  Everything reminded me of Ben, maybe we will go together one of these days.  I went to a wedding on Sunday.  It reminded me of how Ben invited me to a wedding.  During the wedding, the minister said how you marry your best friend and I thought about, and Ben is my best friend.  I can tell him anything and he respects what I say and I can be me around him.  Maybe wedding bells will be in the near future for us.

Your Boyfriend

Last  night, well more like this morning, Ben and I were Face Timing and while we were talking he said how he was my boyfriend during the conversation. My heart melted. Still I wish he would ask me in person and make it official but that's guys for you. So I'm pretty sure he introduced me as his girlfriend when we went to the movies but probably the "girl" part got drowned out from the outside noise because it was kind of loud outside the theater.  Ben invited me to one of his friends from the weddings birthday party, so hopefully I can go.  For now, I will continuing wondering how to get Ben to ask me to be his girlfriend officially.     

Status: It's Complicated...Still :/

Right now Ben is camping and I miss him.  We got to hang out on Saturday and I got to meet more of his friends.  I hadn't seen him since he invited me to a wedding and where I also met more of his friends.  At the wedding he either introduced me as his "lady friend" or by my name.  Idk if his friends think I'm his gf or not. I know he did once show some of his friends a picture of me and told them that this was the person he was seeing.  Idk if these were the friends though but I did find it funny how this group of friends they are either single or in a relationship in threes.  So Ben and I  now made the third part of the relationship and one of his friends was recently single and now made the third person to be single.  He also went to a party and was telling people all about me, his girlfriend.  I'm pretty sure his friends at the wedding thought I was his girlfriend but I'm not sure about the friends he introduced me to on Saturday.  It was a little embarrassing that everyone was dressed up except me. :/ I thought it was going to be a casual night so I decided to save my nice clothes for another night.  He did make efforts to hold my hand and stand close to me whenever, so maybe.  However, he did introduced me as his friend but maybe he said girlfriend but couldn't hear because there was a lot of people outside the movie theater, so maybe.  I wanted to ask him after the movies but didn't know how to bring it up.  I know I can talk to him about anything but I don't know how to ask.  I looked up some ideas but I'm still a little nervous on how to bring up "DTR." I think it also has to do with my past relationship and how that relationship just destroyed me in every way possible.  I know Ben is nothing like my ex but the wounds of my past remain as scars but most have faded now but some still show but are gradually fading.  Also, another part of me is old-fashioned and want that romantic way of being asked to be Ben's girlfriend officially.  He claims to be a romantic but yet he hasn't asked me to be his gf officially.  I know we are unofficially a couple but still, it would be sweet to be asked to be his gf and celebrate anniversaries.     

Back to normal

Things are finally getting back to normal now.  The last couple of weeks have been cra-cra (especially with school, work and Ben) but I survived.  Last week was especially hard since it was the last week of school for me so pretty much everything was due and of course I have to wait to the last day to start and finish assignments.  Taking two classes was def a challenge but I managed while working but I did have to sacrifice my social life in the process and my running and gym time but next time I am going to try to do things ahead of time especially when my fall class starts bc I'll be working more so its going to be hard to balance work and school.  And why is it every time I am super busy, like last week, ppl then decided to hit me up and want to  hang but when I'm free, nada! It has to be a sign to stop procrastinating on assignments. I'm only taking one class this time bc I just want to be able to focus on one class while working plus in the fall/winter there's a lot to due especially with all the different holidays.  I also want more time to be with Ben even though he's going to be super busy and I want to stay on track with running and working out at the gym.  I am however glad I was able to get into a class since community colleges are so impacted these days even though it wasn't the first choice of class I wanted but I'm glad I got in.  It's still a class I need towards a permit/certificate.  The other class I could have waited listed but decided not to bc I think one class is enough. I just hope next time I can get in the class or at least get waited listed, hopefully I'm not making a mistake by not waiting list and only taking one class this term.  Hopefully prices don't go up for units too!  I am glad online classes let me work and take the classes at my time, hopefully I am able to get all the online classes towards my permit/certificate.  For now, I'm just going to enjoy the rest of summer and delay checking the status of my finally grades bc I just want a break and enjoy life while I can and not dwell if I didn't do go.