"F" for Failure

Wednesday, 9/11/13

I feel like a failure with a capital “F.”  Someone else I know just got married.  I always imagined that I would be married and have at least one child by now.  As the years went by while I was in college and I realized that my love life was virtually none existing, I at least hoped to be engaged by this time in my life but nope.  I at least have someone in my life right now and last night as we were talking we somehow ended up talking about stuff animals and he was showing me a Beanie Baby that he said would help pay for my ring. I thought that was sweet and adorable but unfortunately Beanie Babies are not worth that much due to inflation.  Still, I would be happy if he asked me without a ring, I would rather the ring be spent towards a home for us or just the official wedding bands.  I wish we could be married now but realistically we are both not financially stable.  Ben is still taking classes towards becoming a teacher so when does become a teacher he won’t be making that much and my first job doesn’t pay that well to live off of.  My other job, I fear I will be terminated soon since you are supposed to work at least 3xs a month and I haven’t worked so far.  There was a job available for tomorrow and it was kind of close but I am not emotionally ready to work tomorrow.  I’ve been really sleepy lately, partly due to the medication I was taking for my respiratory infection and also I just want to continue making progress on cleaning my room and start my homework that is due on Friday. I also put down that I am not available on Thursday since my other job has a different start time on Thursdays and also my online class usually has things due on Thursdays too. I can check job opening starting at 5AM but I have been really tired and this is the first week that I have been able to breathe since I had a respiratory infection.  My permit for my second job expires in November and if I get terminated then I really will be limited on jobs that I can pursue.  My parents pointed out earlier this week that I need a job that makes 40k and has benefits like health and retirement.  The jobs they suggested I have no desire whatsoever but deep down inside I still long to work in the anthropology field but of course I can’t tell my parent that because they just care about money, until me, I care about doing and working in something that I am passionate about.  They claim that they will help me pay for my schooling if I want to be a teacher like Ben but I don’t and plus I don’t trust my parents to actually keep their word on paying.  They keep forcing this job on me and it is making me every time not considering it more and more.  I do want to go back to school but for masters in anthropology, my heart belongs to anthropology.  I do have a family member that works at a university as a janitor for a lab.  I am considering applying to a job like that so I can go to that school and pay for my master’s program/graduate school.  I wouldn’t care if I had to clean dirty bathrooms as long as I was pursuing something I loved.  I’m more motivated when I am pursuing something I want, I think if I went to the teacher program, it would be hard because I am terrified of speeches and it’s a lot of work and I stress really easily and have no support at home.  I’d rather put that time and energy into an anthropology master’s program. So for now, I feel like a failure and still don’t know what I’m going to do with my life, the clock is ticking for me.  I really want a better job that makes me happy and that can help support a future for Ben and me.