"F" for Failure

Wednesday, 9/11/13

I feel like a failure with a capital “F.”  Someone else I know just got married.  I always imagined that I would be married and have at least one child by now.  As the years went by while I was in college and I realized that my love life was virtually none existing, I at least hoped to be engaged by this time in my life but nope.  I at least have someone in my life right now and last night as we were talking we somehow ended up talking about stuff animals and he was showing me a Beanie Baby that he said would help pay for my ring. I thought that was sweet and adorable but unfortunately Beanie Babies are not worth that much due to inflation.  Still, I would be happy if he asked me without a ring, I would rather the ring be spent towards a home for us or just the official wedding bands.  I wish we could be married now but realistically we are both not financially stable.  Ben is still taking classes towards becoming a teacher so when does become a teacher he won’t be making that much and my first job doesn’t pay that well to live off of.  My other job, I fear I will be terminated soon since you are supposed to work at least 3xs a month and I haven’t worked so far.  There was a job available for tomorrow and it was kind of close but I am not emotionally ready to work tomorrow.  I’ve been really sleepy lately, partly due to the medication I was taking for my respiratory infection and also I just want to continue making progress on cleaning my room and start my homework that is due on Friday. I also put down that I am not available on Thursday since my other job has a different start time on Thursdays and also my online class usually has things due on Thursdays too. I can check job opening starting at 5AM but I have been really tired and this is the first week that I have been able to breathe since I had a respiratory infection.  My permit for my second job expires in November and if I get terminated then I really will be limited on jobs that I can pursue.  My parents pointed out earlier this week that I need a job that makes 40k and has benefits like health and retirement.  The jobs they suggested I have no desire whatsoever but deep down inside I still long to work in the anthropology field but of course I can’t tell my parent that because they just care about money, until me, I care about doing and working in something that I am passionate about.  They claim that they will help me pay for my schooling if I want to be a teacher like Ben but I don’t and plus I don’t trust my parents to actually keep their word on paying.  They keep forcing this job on me and it is making me every time not considering it more and more.  I do want to go back to school but for masters in anthropology, my heart belongs to anthropology.  I do have a family member that works at a university as a janitor for a lab.  I am considering applying to a job like that so I can go to that school and pay for my master’s program/graduate school.  I wouldn’t care if I had to clean dirty bathrooms as long as I was pursuing something I loved.  I’m more motivated when I am pursuing something I want, I think if I went to the teacher program, it would be hard because I am terrified of speeches and it’s a lot of work and I stress really easily and have no support at home.  I’d rather put that time and energy into an anthropology master’s program. So for now, I feel like a failure and still don’t know what I’m going to do with my life, the clock is ticking for me.  I really want a better job that makes me happy and that can help support a future for Ben and me. 

Couldn't Ask

Last Thursday I spent the afternoon and evening with Ben.  He wanted to see me before he went camping for the weekend.  He also wanted me to help him pick out vests for work.  I can't believe just around this time last year I had actually went on a blind date with someone that I had met online.  I'm glad I didn't get catfish and the person turned out to be cool but timing was just off.  He always invited me to places things last minute and late when I would be in my pajamas or he wanted me to hang with his friends too.  I wouldn't have mind meeting his friends once I had more time getting to know him one-on-one because I'm really shy at first so I could only imagine how super shy I would have been around him and his friends.  He probably hates me by now but I wish him all the best.  Also, I was still trying to figure out my feelings for Ben.  I feel like Ben is the one for me and I love how he treats me and makes me feel.  Well getting back to last Thursday, so we hung out at the mall and afterwards we went to grab something to eat.  He actually was going to introduced me to his parents but his mom wasn't home and also my nose was super congested.  So it probably would have been a little embarrassing for me to meet Ben's parents for the first time and talking to them with a stuffy nose.  So we went to our spot to eat and talk.  It was nice talking and seeing the city below.  I just wished I didn't have a stuffy noise.  I loved it when we would walk around and he would pick me up and carry me over parts because I was wearing sandals and didn't want to fall.  I just loved being in his arms. I thought may be he would ask me to be his girlfriend officially or we would be talking normally and he would refer to me as my boyfriend or his girlfriend. and then I could bring it up but he didn't.  On the way back home I tried to work up the courage to bring up the "DTR Talk," but I would get scared.  I even tried to drop hints like talking about how our wedding would be like or bringing up his friends from the wedding and asked if they were still single in 3s.  That didn't work, I was trying to drop hints with these topics but they didn't work and I was hard to understand with my stuffy nose.  I thought about asking him straight out but I still want the romantic asking me to be his girlfriend and plus my nose was stuffy so it was hard to understand what I was trying to say and if I was going to ask, I didn't want to ask with my stuffy nose.  So I just eventually let it go.  I was sad when he dropped me off because I knew I wouldn't hear from him until he got back from camping and I was sad that I couldn't DTR.  I know if I asked he would say something like "Yes, your my girlfriend, I just couldn't find the right way to ask because I've been hurt in the past and I'm never good at stuff like that" (like Valentine's Day, when he wanted to ask me but couldn't find the right words), so I imagine he would say something like that.  I know we our a couple but still for all I know we could be casual dating or even worse, friends with benefits.  I couldn't stop thinking of Ben all this weekend, I was just so happy with him at our spot on Thursday.  I went to a fair and thought of Ben.  Everything reminded me of Ben, maybe we will go together one of these days.  I went to a wedding on Sunday.  It reminded me of how Ben invited me to a wedding.  During the wedding, the minister said how you marry your best friend and I thought about, and Ben is my best friend.  I can tell him anything and he respects what I say and I can be me around him.  Maybe wedding bells will be in the near future for us.

Your Boyfriend

Last  night, well more like this morning, Ben and I were Face Timing and while we were talking he said how he was my boyfriend during the conversation. My heart melted. Still I wish he would ask me in person and make it official but that's guys for you. So I'm pretty sure he introduced me as his girlfriend when we went to the movies but probably the "girl" part got drowned out from the outside noise because it was kind of loud outside the theater.  Ben invited me to one of his friends from the weddings birthday party, so hopefully I can go.  For now, I will continuing wondering how to get Ben to ask me to be his girlfriend officially.     

Status: It's Complicated...Still :/

Right now Ben is camping and I miss him.  We got to hang out on Saturday and I got to meet more of his friends.  I hadn't seen him since he invited me to a wedding and where I also met more of his friends.  At the wedding he either introduced me as his "lady friend" or by my name.  Idk if his friends think I'm his gf or not. I know he did once show some of his friends a picture of me and told them that this was the person he was seeing.  Idk if these were the friends though but I did find it funny how this group of friends they are either single or in a relationship in threes.  So Ben and I  now made the third part of the relationship and one of his friends was recently single and now made the third person to be single.  He also went to a party and was telling people all about me, his girlfriend.  I'm pretty sure his friends at the wedding thought I was his girlfriend but I'm not sure about the friends he introduced me to on Saturday.  It was a little embarrassing that everyone was dressed up except me. :/ I thought it was going to be a casual night so I decided to save my nice clothes for another night.  He did make efforts to hold my hand and stand close to me whenever, so maybe.  However, he did introduced me as his friend but maybe he said girlfriend but couldn't hear because there was a lot of people outside the movie theater, so maybe.  I wanted to ask him after the movies but didn't know how to bring it up.  I know I can talk to him about anything but I don't know how to ask.  I looked up some ideas but I'm still a little nervous on how to bring up "DTR." I think it also has to do with my past relationship and how that relationship just destroyed me in every way possible.  I know Ben is nothing like my ex but the wounds of my past remain as scars but most have faded now but some still show but are gradually fading.  Also, another part of me is old-fashioned and want that romantic way of being asked to be Ben's girlfriend officially.  He claims to be a romantic but yet he hasn't asked me to be his gf officially.  I know we are unofficially a couple but still, it would be sweet to be asked to be his gf and celebrate anniversaries.     

Back to normal

Things are finally getting back to normal now.  The last couple of weeks have been cra-cra (especially with school, work and Ben) but I survived.  Last week was especially hard since it was the last week of school for me so pretty much everything was due and of course I have to wait to the last day to start and finish assignments.  Taking two classes was def a challenge but I managed while working but I did have to sacrifice my social life in the process and my running and gym time but next time I am going to try to do things ahead of time especially when my fall class starts bc I'll be working more so its going to be hard to balance work and school.  And why is it every time I am super busy, like last week, ppl then decided to hit me up and want to  hang but when I'm free, nada! It has to be a sign to stop procrastinating on assignments. I'm only taking one class this time bc I just want to be able to focus on one class while working plus in the fall/winter there's a lot to due especially with all the different holidays.  I also want more time to be with Ben even though he's going to be super busy and I want to stay on track with running and working out at the gym.  I am however glad I was able to get into a class since community colleges are so impacted these days even though it wasn't the first choice of class I wanted but I'm glad I got in.  It's still a class I need towards a permit/certificate.  The other class I could have waited listed but decided not to bc I think one class is enough. I just hope next time I can get in the class or at least get waited listed, hopefully I'm not making a mistake by not waiting list and only taking one class this term.  Hopefully prices don't go up for units too!  I am glad online classes let me work and take the classes at my time, hopefully I am able to get all the online classes towards my permit/certificate.  For now, I'm just going to enjoy the rest of summer and delay checking the status of my finally grades bc I just want a break and enjoy life while I can and not dwell if I didn't do go.    

Status: Gf ...??? and Comic Con

Last night I was talking to Ben before he left for Comic Con with his friends.  He goes every year with his friends so it's like a guy thing.  Not that I would mind being invited but I understand.  Plus I have homework to do.  He was telling me about his last day of work since he too got another job.  He said someone was asking him about Comic Con and asked him if he was bringing his girlfriend he said no but told his coworker how I wanted a picture of the Teen Wolf cast. Aw, he remembered.  He also said girlfriend so I guess I am his girlfriend.  I just wish he would tell/ask me in person to make it official but I am happy with my status.    

Finally DTR???

Things are finally starting to turn around for me.  Going back to school so maybe this will help with getting an anthropology job.  I think I got another job, I'll find out next week, so yeah :) And finally,  Ben finally DTR...kind of.  I was talking to Ben on Sunday and he was telling me about his day and how he was at party and ran into someone he went to high school with. Ben was telling me how was talking about me and how he likes to talk about me to his friends since I am his special someone and practically his girlfriend.  I was shocked, stunned, happy, excited all in one since he called me his girlfriend, minus the practically part.  However, when you translate guy code it means I am his girlfriend fosho.  I said he was my special someone too but didn't say boyfriend because I am old-fashioned and want to say it in person in a romantic setting ideally so we can officially say we are a couple.  Since he called me his girlfriend, good things have been happening, I've been doing my homework early this week, staying on track for running and got another job ( I think, Idk what it meant by applicant but it did start off with Welcome, so yes I have a new job?)  If luck is what Ben brings me besides the love and care support he gives me, then I can't wait to see what the future has in store for us! :) ... Maybe he is the one <3