Uncertain Future

My future is uncertain. Here's why: Everything for my last term needed to be completed and submitted by March 23, 11:59 PM. So all of last week I worked and wonder how I did on my assignments and classes. All I wanted to do last week was catch up on my sleep too. I am worried about one class since I did not do a good job on my portfolio assessment and if you don't pass that then you can't take the next class for it. It's bad enough I didn't pass my social studies test and now can't take my student teaching in April. Last Wednesday night, a classmate texted me and told me how he didn't do well on his portfolio assessment. I checked and my had not been graded yet. An hour later I received an email notification how my portfolio assessment had been graded. I told Ben and he said we could look at it after I finish work. We had plans for that day but they had to be change since I took a sub assignment to work that day. He was going to get tickets for the HK exhibition museum but he said to take the job and that we could to the museum exhibit another day. I met Ben after work last Thursday. I was nervous because I was going to find out how I did on my portfolio assessment and also excited because it was going to see Ben and actually spend time with him and FINALLY give him his Christmas present, birthday present, and Valentine's Day present. So we went to Starbucks and he opened his presents which I was nervous about that because I didn't know if he would like them or not. He first opened the box that had his birthday and Valentine's day presents. He opened the red fortune HK box that had that had the HK figurine inside. He commented how he liked the box and like the HK inside. I told him how for Valentine's Day I had envisioned giving it to him with a balloon attach and the box filled with hearts inside, either candy or origami. After that, it was the gourd bird with the Lego cake set inside. I didn't know how he was going to like. he took it out and made a gasping sound of delight. He loved it and said he would put it on his desk. I told him how it was Peru and that it opens. He opened it and like the Lego cake. He then opened the presents that were in the gift bag since not everything could fit in the bag because of the electric razor. He took out the electric razor first. He made another gasping sound which caught me by surprise since I was brushing my hair. I turned to him and he told me how he liked the razor and how he wanted one. I told him how I remember how he said he wanted him. Next, it was the apple frame. He like it but wished I had put a picture in it. I was going to but I couldn't find the file for the picture I had and then I got really busy with school and work but I can always give it to him later or he can put one of his choice. Then finally the last gift was the Nightwing t-shirt. I told him how he reminded me of Nightwing when he had long hair and how I wanted to take pictures with him wearing the shirt and me wearing a Batman one. He loved his gift and I was happy but my happiness was short lived. He checked my portfolio assessment and I didn't do well. I shed a few tears and he comforted me. He thinks I might be able to take the next class, so hopefully he was right. He checked the work I submitted for feedback and he didn't see any. 20 minutes I lost it and he took me back to his car where I lost it. He wanted to make me feel better and asked what I wanted to do and I told him he could picked. He suggested the mall and the movies. He ended up picking the movies and thought Cinderella would make me feel better since he knew I wanted to see it. It was cute but it made me sad in some parts because I was thinking about school. I also thought how I will be never be good enough for someone to go to the ends of the worlds for or take to a ball. I mean, look at past, I went to prom by myself (but I had fun) and it seems like I'll never finish school, get a good job and leave home and start a new life. :/ But I didn't tell Ben what I was thinking. IDK why he wants to be with me at times, I'm really useless when I think about myself. Anyways, after the movies it was getting late. Before I left, he told me things to make me feel better and to get rest when I got home since I had work the next day. I shed a few more tears and he gave me a hug, which made me feel better to have his arms around me. Before I left, he told me to how he would be there for me if I needed him and no matter what time it was he would get in his car to get to me should I need him. He also told me to think positive because we don't know if I failed yet and might be able to get to take the next class. Later that night, he texted me how Cinderella reminded him of me and how he wanted to take me to a ball. I told him I was a terrible dancer and there was no balls. Well there are balls, but neither of us have access to going to one. Maybe one day or maybe we can have a dance together if we chaperon a dance. So now Idk what my future will be like. I'm scared and full of anxiety. I checked this morning for a list of my textbooks I would need but it wasn't posted yet which makes me wonder if I had passed my class or not. I asked Ben to check my final grades for me but he said when he checked it wasn't posted. Today, I received a welcome email from professor for the class I enrolled next term. It could mean I passed or it could mean the roster of the class hasn't been updated yet. I could be still enrolled but later dropped once grades are released. It's nerve-racking because my future is uncertain. Did I pass? Did I not pass? What I am dreading is thinking about my future if I didn't pass my class. I lose my fin aid, angry parents, I will have to take the class again and without fin aid, Idk how I'll afford it. My uncertain future is scary and stressing me out and I pray for a miracle I passed.

Answer to Questions

I saw Ben last week. I was working on a group project at our former university and he stopped by to give us feedback on our project. It was the first time I had seen him since our last date night, which was in December. After we called it quits for the night, we went to eat. He gave me my Valentine's Day present which was the Hello Kitty nail art, 3 Twix bars, and Hello Kitty stickers. It was sweet since he knows I like Hello Kitty and painting my nails. Also, he knows I am not big on chocolate, but I do like chocolate with caramel, like Twix and Snickers. I wished I had brought him his gift. I wasn't sure if he was going to come or not and I didn't want to be seen with the gifts in my hands at my house. The only thing that killed the mood for me that night was seeing a deflated birthday balloon in the back seats of his car after the late dinner. It just reminded me of how little I get to see him and how I never get to celebrate a birthday with him. He got a phone call after the dinner and one of his friends asked if he was going to come for ditch day the following day. Every year his friends have a ditch day where they ditch either work or school and spend a day together. He had thought it was for the following week and was still thinking about going. So there was a 50/50 chance I would see him the next day or not. So the next day I worked on my group project. We were all hoping Ben would come but he didn't, he decided to ditch work. Ben offered to review our project. He said we could film it or send him the PowerPoint presentation but we just wanted to submit our project asap, which we did. I was bummed he didn't come because I brought his gifts too. He also wanted a date night for that weekend but I was busy with school and a part of me was hurt and bummed seeing the birthday balloon and how I brought his gifts but he didn't come. It didn't help that over the weekend I was watching Millionaire Matchmaker and Patty was asking the lady candidates what's the most romantic thing a guy has ever done for them. I thought about it and I really couldn't think of something. I once had a guy who tried to surprise me by taking me to a sushi restaurant in Laguna Beach. I declined because I had felt underdressed when I saw him and I didn't want to be out late. I also thought it was a little much for a first date but it was thought that counted. I'm still used to guys taking me to what Ben might consider chain restaurants and movies. Even now I couldn't answer that question. I mean Ben does help me with school when I really need it so that's romantic but romantic-romantic like someone sending me flowers at work, I guess no one has ever done anything that romantic. Patty also asked, "What's the most romantic thing they have done for a guy?" I thought about, I haven't done anything either I guess, so it does go both ways. I guess for me the only romantic things I have really done is decorate Ben's house and car for Valentine's Day. It would be nice for once if a guy actually did something romantic for me besides dinner and movies. I just want to feel special for once and have a guy take the time to plan and do something romantic and memorable.      

Gloomy and Rainy

Last night I FaceTimed with Ben. He mostly just talked about work since that's what I asked him mostly. He wanted to see me Sunday night but I wasn't in the mood to go out. Maybe if the weather was warmer I would of been up to it. He did offer to pick me up since he knows I don't like driving in the rain but I was already in pjs and like I said was not in the mood. Part of the reason was because I was snooping around some of his friends' profile page and saw the pictures he was in. A lot where him celebrating his friends birthdays, hanging out with friends, and his birthday celebration. I had mixed emotions seeing those pictures, I felt upset and jealous all balled up into one feeling. I saw him once Christmas break and we never even got to see the Pompeii exhibit like I wanted to. I didn't see him at all in January and we didn't do anything for his birthday. Even though he did make an effort for Valentine's day but I was suffering from allergies I doubt he would of tried to make plans with me last weekend had it not been Valentine's Day. And for all I know he could of been out on Valentine's Day since he knew I sick. Maybe the next time I snoop around I'll find pictures of him out on Valentine's Day.

So later Sunday night Ben texted me how his phone was now fixed and how he wanted to see me. He asked what I did that day and I lied. I didn't do anything except go to some stores that day but I lied and said I was out celebrating a friend's birthday. Hopefully that made him a little jealous. It might of worked since when we FaceTime he said he really wanted to see me so we could celebrate Christmas, his birthday, and Valentine's Day. I told him if he wants to and how he's the one whose always to busy for me to which he didn't respond right away. So he is trying to make plans with me this week. He even offered to have date night in the middle of the week. If I didn't have a project and presentation that I have to do for my Thursday night class I would be up to it. I guess we could go out Tuesday night, Thursday night, and possibly Friday night. Maybe Saturday or Sunday night too but I have a project due Sunday night too. Also, I suck at lesson planning for my Saturday class. My direct lesson plans just suck, they suck so bad that my professor wants to meet this week to discuss it. :/ Great...another bad week it looks like. So since I read the email from my professor I've been feeling gloomy. I don't think this week will be a good week to see Ben. I have a lot of projects I need to start and finish and my Saturday class is making me feel gloomy. Please God, don't let this be another bad week for me, please.   

At least the weather matches my mood, gloomy and rainy. :'(

Cloudy Day

Yesterday I was suppose to have a date night with Ben but we didn't. His phone died yesterday and he wasn't able to get a hold of me to later at night. I'm not mad because it was cloudy and windy and it would of been cold for me for a nice date night. Now I kind of wish I had bought a tablet for him so he has another way of getting hold of people. Or maybe I should get him an iPod since he can send me messages to my phone and FaceTime me too. Idk, I need to research more.

I think for next term I am going to take one class, assuming I pass the classes I am taking right now. I am disappointed in myself. I wanted to finish school by December but now it looks like next March. I can take a CSET in March but I am not ready. There is also May and July so I'll sign up for the May one and if I don't pass then the July one and hopefully I pass by then so I can start student teaching in September. I was hoping I would pass by now so I could study for other CSET too like the physical education and multiple subjects. Ben said he would help me study too but he never does so I am not relying on him for help with studying. I also need to be more independent and stop relying on people.

Ben also got another long term assignment last Friday. I was hoping last Friday we could have lunch together the day before but that's when he started his long term assignment. I dressed up for work last Friday since it was the day before Valentine's Day at work and that's what I had already plan on wearing if I had lunch with Ben. So when I went to work last Friday I knew he wouldn't surprise me with flowers or balloons either after work. I thought he might for Valentine's Day but nope. To me, I haven't seen his romantic side that he claims to have. He does take me out and help me when he can but I haven't seen anything off the top romantic. But that's how its always been with me and guys. They just take me to dinner and movies 99% of the time. No guy has ever done anything over the top romantic for me. When I see girls get asked in a cute way for a school dance, I wish for once in my life that would happen to me but I don't think it will ever happen anytime soon. Ben never asked me to official be his girlfriend ever. 

I have some free days this week that would of been nice to spend a day with Ben. He could of taken me to campus to get my taxes done and then we could of spent the rest of the day in the city but that won't be happening anytime soon. It would of been nice if I could of had a date night with Ben last night even if it was cold since it is half way through the semester and now I am going to have tons of projects for school so I'll be really busy with school and won't be able to have a date night in the near future. Oh well, I am use to it by now.  

Last Monday, I was watching Jane the Virgin and the character Rafael totally reminded me of Omar towards the end of the episode. He was talking to Jane on his bed and the way he was posed reminded me of Omar. Then the song they were playing called Worlds Apart by Joshua Radin even reminded me of Omar more because in the song it talked about the moon and being apart. Omar always use to point out the moon when it was full. Sometimes when I look at a full moon I think about the memories I had with Omar at the gym. I think he crosses my mind from time to time because a part of me wonders if he ever like me or not and wants to know. But when I think of it, probably not. He never asked me out when he had the chance and he is married now so that answers my question. Hopefully Ben truly loves me and isn't cheating on me because I can't take another heart break.

I don't think I will go to the gym tonight. It is really cold and cloudy. I also don't want to get up in any rain since it is suppose to rain today and tomorrow. I didn't go last week because my allergies were bad but hopefully I can go later this week. I really want to get back into shape and hopefully meet some new people.

Bad News

So I didn't pass my CSET. I don't know what I am going to do next term. I almost passed a subtest. I got a 217/220, so that really sucked. I had Ben texted me my results. Had we been together in person to look at my results, I'd probably been an emotional wreck. So now I get sad when I see my school's logo at any moment. And to add to the bad week I was already having my sinuses became worse by yesterday, which was Valentine's Day.

So once again Ben and I did not have a Valentine's Day together. This year I was the reason. I have a raspy voice, sore throat, and a stuffy nose. I probably could of gone out last night but my sinuses would ruined the romance. I felt bad for Ben but he understood and just wants me to get better. I wonder what Ben had plan since it was suppose to be s surprise. At least the next time we go out there wont be as many people because of Valentine's Day crowd rush. On Friday, he kind of gave me a hint by asking me, "You like to paint your nails a lot right?' So my guess was a nail polish set, like the Hello Kitty Sephora set. He did want to get me this top where you can put cell phone on the side but I told him how it can cause cancer. Then yesterday he texted me a sneak peek of my Valentine's Day present. I think it is the Hello Kitty nail art book. Aw, he knows I like to paint my nails.

I also got a check yesterday for $187. I kind of want to cash it and buy a tablet because I saw them on sale at Costco. I also still need to put a picture in his apple frame. Now that Valentine's Day is over, maybe I can find a cute heart box on sale.

Bad Day

Yesterday I had a bad day at work. Then I thought I lost my credit card but I found it thankfully. I told Ben about my day and he wanted to go out with me up but unfortunately we couldn't in the end. It was sweet though but we ended up talking on the phone last night. He told me how he was worried about us. He was worried because he said last week he wanted to go out with me but he was busy. I told him it was okay because I was busy with school. He told me he was worried because last week 4 of his friends ended their relationships so he was trying to help them. One was really bad he said. And one I met from the wedding we went to, one was getting a divorce, and another an engagement. So that made him worried about us because we hadn't had date night in a while and also because he thought I was mad at him on his birthday because we didn't have plans. I told him I wasn't but I just like to keep it basic on birthdays because I'm not big on birthdays and how I assumed how he was busy celebrating his birthday so I didn't know when he would see my message. He then told me to keep Saturday night opened. I have an idea  what I want to wear and hopefully I am not tired from school. Also, I am worried that I might be getting sick bc the weather has been dry lately. My throat has been hurting and I'm afraid I'll get a sinus infection and lose my voice.

I picked up my stuff from Kmart. I now have nail polish for Valentine's Day. I also bought a tiara, it was free with the surprise points. I could of gotten jewelry for work but the tiara was on sale and it was a heart tiara. I feel a little childish but I always wanted one and never had the opportunity to have one. I think one reason was because I saw Ben celebrate a birthday with a girl and she had a tiara on. Also, because I think like most females, they want to feel like a princess, even just for a second. So, it kind of made me feel like a princess and it also reminds me how I don't need to a man to feel like a princess. In the past, I've had guys want to treat me like a princess but they never did. Just lies.   

 I am having Ben look at my CSET bc I'm afraid to look. I am getting nervous waiting for my CSET result. Hopefully, this doesn't ruin my week and  Valentine's Day.  

Monday Night

Ben invited me to dinner tonight. He remembered. I remembered last week he wanted to hang out on Monday but I thought he had forgotten. I also thought he might be mad because I didn't really talk to him on his birthday or invite him out. I told him I wasn't sure if I was going to or not. I am pretty tired and I have work tomorrow. I don't want to ruin the dinner being tired and having to leave earlier. I also want to wrap all his presents and I still need to put a picture in his apple picture frame.

Ben also said to keep Saturday night free too. I don't know what he is planning, I am curious but I don't want to get my hopes up. I also have school in the morning and I don't know what I am going to say to my parents when they see me getting ready to go out. I also don't know what I am going to wear!!! I'll probably end up going to the gym since something always goes wrong on Valentine's Day between Ben and me. And if I do go to the gym it will be nice and empty too, I should know, I've been to the gym on Valentine's Day.

I wouldn't mind celebrating Valentine's Day next week. It would be less stressful and less crowded. I need to do my homework earlier so Ben and I can enjoy this week, if we do go out.      

My CSET results are in. I don't want to look!!! Maybe I'll look tomorrow.