"Shut It"

On March 18th, after work, I get a text from Ben asking me who Orny Adams from Teen Wolf was. I thought this was  little random but I figure he must of ran into him or something. I told him how he was the lacrosse coach and how on the current season he was in rehab. He told me how he was going to be doing his comedy show that weekend near the mall we were planning to go to later that day. I wasn't planning on dressing up that day but just in case we went to the show I put on a nice silver top. I also wore the necklace Ben got me for Christmas. Even though it was gold, I didn't care that some people might think it didn't matched and decided to wear. I hadn't wore it yet and I wanted him to see that I liked what he gave me. When we got to the mall parking lot I had asked him about seeing Orny Adams. He told me how there was two shows for that day (Friday) and also Saturday. He asked me if I wanted to see him and I said yes but I also wanted to go the mall so I ask the Apple people what laptop was good for school. He got a little mad at me for being indecisive and so I said lets go to the show and how I could go to the mall the other day. While leaving the mall parking lot, he realized he forgot his license and went sure if he would be able to get in the building or not. I suggested seeing the show the Saturday or Sunday but he kept insisting Friday because he was probably going to be busy Saturday and then he wanted to sleep in on Sunday.  When we parked at the parking structure he decided we should eat first and then see the later show, which I was okay with. Though I was a little afraid to talk because I didn't want to upset him anymore. I think he knew that because at the restaurant he wanted to hold my hand and he saw I was hesitant at first.  I think after he ate, he was in a better mood. He decided that we could try for the second show on Saturday so he could have his license and then we could go to the mall after we ate. I was a little annoyed because thats what I suggested. -_-  So after we ate, we went to the Apple Store at the mall. I was glad we were able to go because I had a better idea what laptop I wanted to get.

Saturday afternoon, I get a message from Ben saying how he was sorry about how he was the night before and how if should get tickets to the first show. I told him it was okay and how I need to work on not being indecisive.  He was going to pick me up at 6 so I got ready. I wore the black jumpsuit that I didn't ware for our previous date night. I think this date was much better for it because I was in a good mood because I didn't have to worry about exam scores and the weather was warmer. I wore it with Ben's necklace of course.  After he picked me up and during the ride to the show, I asked Ben if it was possible to get his autograph or a picture with him. Ben told me that it was possible because usually comedians hang out after the show so that made me more excited for the show.  After we enter the building, I saw Orny Adams. I wanted to say hi but I was shy and starstruck and also the staff employee was showing us to our seats. The show was amazing! And after the show we waited to get our picture taken with him. Ben even bought me a shirt they were selling and we chatted with too! That made my night and my week. I made the picture we took my profile page and he even liked my picture. 

Miracle

I'm in need of a miracle.  My break from school is almost over.  I'm a little sad because I won't be able to sub and make money but on the other hand I am moving forward with my degree.  Since I took this term off, I need to write an appeal letter for my financial aid. I pray that I get my financial aid.  However, after this term, I don't know how I'll pay for my remaining classes.  I need a summer job but I also want to go to summer school and take a class towards a certificate program.  The class would be at night though but still I am worried about money. I don't want to take another loan out.  I'm going to try and appeal for scholarships in the summer.  I would be happy if I just get one, even if it was for $20, it would be better then nothing. Hopefully Ill be able to balance my classes starting soon with the one I am currently taking online at a city college. I don't want to drop it because it is towards my certification program. Hopefully things work out and I hope Ben finds a job too.

Happy Tears

So I will be busy when school starts again next week but I will get into that later.

Last I left off, I was planning my outfit for my date night with Ben at an aquarium. I was planning on wearing a jumpsuit but it was getting cold and I had just received my email containing my last CSET test. I decided to wear something casual since it was cold and I didn't want to look nice and then check my results and be sad that I didn't pass. While at the aquarium date night, I gave him his birthday gifts and Valentine's Day gifts. He liked the headphones and Pokémon cards for his birthday.  He laughed when he saw the headphones because he mentioned how he always needs headphones because he goes through them all the time.  The Pokémon ball didn't arrive on time, it actually came that Monday. I knew I should of waited to give him his Valentine's Day gift, but oh well.  I gave it to him the next time I saw him.  Anyways back to the date night, so next I gave him his Valentine's Day gifts. I first gave him the Pokémon wallet which he liked because he said he needed a new wallet and then I gave him the bracelet.  He was surprised when he saw the Pokémon "I Choose You" bracelet.  He asked me if it came with another one and I told him it did and then he told me how he saw them at Hot Topic and was thinking of buying it but he didn't have money.  He thought it was sweet we were thinking of the same thing. I'm glad I bought it when I did because they sold out online so I could only imagine they sold out in stores for Valentine's Day.  Then we ate at a food truck and he took a picture of us wearing the bracelet as we waited for our food.  While we walked around the aquarium I tried not to think about my test results.  Finally Ben and I found a spot where we could check the test results.  He looked at it first.  He covered the part that said if I passed or not and before he showed me, he said how he loved me no matter what.  He then showed me my results and I passed. I was shocked because I thought I didn't pass for sure.  I was so sure that I didn't pass that I even registered and paid for it again.  I actually found myself happy because I finally passed and now I could finally start student teaching after a year of struggling to pass my exams. I thought Ben was going to say that I passed in his heart and then show my results and then see that I didn't pass but nope that didn't happen thankfully.  After that my mood shifted and I even found myself shedding a few happy tears. I don't think I ever cried happy tears in my life up till that point.  After that we went home and it was the perfect ending to our date night.       

Almost HERE

It is almost time for our date. I went to the mall yesterday and found an outfit for Friday. I just need to figure what accessories to wear with it and shoes. But at least I have something I feel comfortable in and won't necessarily freeze in. I also saw the post office's car drive by delivering package and I thought maybe I would be lucky and get the Pokémon ball delivered today, but sadly no.  The car drove past my house. Hopefully it comes by Friday!!!!!!

Around The Corner

Ben's birthday and Valentine's Day are just around the corner. I have everything but one thing! I am still waiting for the Pokeball to be delivered. Its estimated delivery time is between Feb. 8-12th and I need it by the 12th. I hope it comes on time because part of his Valentine's Day present were these matching Pokémon bracelets from Hot Topic and I was going to put his bracelet inside the Pokeball. I hope he doesn't buy the same bracelet because he shops at Hot Topic too! If he does, that's okay because it shows we think alike lol. I have to remember to make sure I remove the price tags off the items that have them, like the Pokémon cards. I'm also still working on my outfit idea too!!! It's almost time!!!! 

Found It

So I found what I am going to give Ben for his birthday and Valentine's Day. So for his birthday, some red headphones, I think I mentioned them before and 2 packs of Pokémon cards.  Then I found on eBay, a pokeball with a heart, which I'm sure has a name. It opens and closes. So the last few days I have been searching for something to put in it for Valentine's Day and so over the weekend I saw online that Hop Topic had Pokémon couple bracelets that say, "I choose you" on them. It was perfect to put inside the pokeball. Hopefully the pokeball comes in time for Valentine's Day. I also got him a wallet with various types of Eeve evolved on it. They also had 20% online so that was nice but shipping cost $4.99. I could of opted to pick up in store but there really isn't a Hot Topic near me. There is one by my work but it is still out of the way and I don't know when Ill be able to stop by and pick it up and the cost of gas is the same anyways. I was also going to get him a Hello Kitty birthday Beanie Baby, like I say I am going to every year but I am happy with what I got him. I hope everything comes in on time. Now I don't have to worry about his birthday and Valentine's Day until next year.

So Ben's Valentine's Day plan is for us to have dinner after hours at an aquarium on February 12th. So that will be nice and romantic since I had my prom their and this time I have a date. Hopefully I can go and neither one of us gets sick. I just need to figure out what to wear. Casual nice? Formal? Semi-formal?     

That Time of Year Again

It's that time of year again where I start thinking about Valentine's Day and Ben's birthday. Every year it seems like we don't spend Valentine's Day together because one of us is either busy or sick. But that doesn't mean that I don't constantly think about what I would hear, what I should get for Ben, and how to fix my nails. I am already thinking and planning but I'm willing to bet we won't spend Valentine's Day or his birthday together. Last Valentine's Day I was sick and I didn't really make an effort with his birthday because I was mad at him and was at the gym while he was out and about celebrating with his friends. Anyways, so what I have for Ben so far are red headphones because he is like me and goes through headphones like crazy and he can use them when we talk on the phone or FaceTime. I just also ordered him Pokémon cards from Kohls, I got him two sets since it was buy one get one 50%. I just came across it last night and knew it was perfect for Ben because he likes Pokémon among other things. Those would probably be his birthday gifts, as for Valentine's Day, I'm still working on it, maybe a red Betta fish, lol, but then I might want to keep it and I don't know how well he would take care of it. I'll find something like I always do. I just don't want it to break my piggybank or distract me from work and school.

Change

Going through so many changes and some I am not ready for. So  during Thanksgiving break, I watched 3MSC and Tengo Ganas De Ti. After watching TGDT, I thought maybe their was still chance Babi and Hache would get together down the road but now I think maybe they shouldn't get back together and change is good. So what happened was I finished the fall term the week before Thanksgiving break and found out also I would be getting a new host school and teacher for guided practice. I was sad at first because I was just getting used to my former host school and getting to know some of the staff. I knew I was going to get a new host teacher since my current teacher only had two classes for my subject area and I need at least four hours of teaching for guided practice. I told my school placement advisor if he couldn't find something at my former host school if he could find something at a school distract I suggested and he did. I thought he wouldn't since I had the school district before and no luck. I was sad when I read the email informing of my new host school but as the weeks went on I reflected on it. Maybe change is good. Like when Hache returned to Spain from London and excepted things to be the way they were two years later. At first he couldn't accept change but then finally he let go of Babi and found new love with Gin. So I need to let go. Sometimes I feel like Hache when I go to the gym still, I think Omar will be there and life is still the way it was years ago when Omar was there. But I know it won't be ever like that. The last time I went to the gym Omar didn't cross my mind so I know I am ready for change. I also got my CSET results last Friday, I passed one exam and still need to pass one more before I can start guided practice. I knew I wasn't going to pass it after the exam. Hopefully I pass this time. Sine I didn't pass that one exam, I don't know what I am going to do next term. A part of me is happy I didn't pass because I really want to take a term off. I just want to work as many days as possible so I afford the classes I have left and not stress as much. Last term burnt me out trying to balance school and work and I was stressed about paying for the term since I did the five payment plan. So if I took a term off, I could hopefully make as much money as possible and not worry about finishing assignments or making it to class on time. As much as I'll miss my former host school, I think I am ready for a change...and I'll be studying for my last CSET, I hope I pass!!!!

Pumpkin Spice Time

It's fall and pumpkin spice time.  School has just begun and already I feel overwhelmed. I literally have something due every week but at least I have till Friday to get it done.  Anyways, I was not expecting to have observations this term and I do. I was hoping to substitute as many days as possible to afford my terms. I have 3 terms left after this term. Which is 6 classes left (2 per term) and each class is 3 units so I have 18 units left. 

I am literally broke and actually afraid to use my debit card because that's how broke I am.  I need to work at least 132 days to afford the rest of my terms.  Its going to be hard after the fall term because I'll only be able to work on Fridays so hopefully I get a job every Friday till the summer term ends and then I can work M-F till the school year ends.  Then when school picks up again in August I can hopefully work m-f till my classes start in September. I need around $14000 and hopefully tuition doesn't go up either then I'll really be screwed. I also don't want to take out another loan either. :(

So last Monday Ben wanted to FaceTime me at 10 PM and I fell asleep and slept through his calls. He wanted to invite me to Knott's Scary Farm for Friday night. He was volunteering to help chaperon and invited me because they were short on chaperons. He also wanted me to meet his coworkers, his former students, and hopefully his boss. He was hoping his boss would come so we could meet and that it might persuade him to hire him full time but he didn't come. I had fun with him and we even got some good selfies of us. I even edited one with a zombie app and made it my profile picture since its Halloween season. He was glad I came to and that I was able to meet his coworkers and some of his former students. I think in February he will be starting a long term subbing position but I am not sure for how long. I hope he gets hired full-time because he really deserves it and hopefully I am done with school by next November.

Tomorrow

I'm not looking forward to tomorrow. I am not sure what is going to happen but I am hoping for the best. For now, I'm not going to think about it and enjoy the rest of the day and what is left of it.

Anyways, Ben is trying with us and I couldn't be happier. He tried in the summer to take me to the fair but I had family over and couldn't go sadly. He also tried to take me to the aquarium two weeks ago but I had tonsillitis.  This time last year, he would make plans but then we never went out and months would go by.  He went to the fair yesterday with his family and he wanted to secretly win me a prize but was kind of embarrassed of what his dad would say, aw. Hopefully things get better for the both of us. I hope and pray he finds a full time job and my school thing gets figured out.  

Hopeful

I'm trying to remain hopeful because I am in deep sh*t right now it feels like.  Classes start next week and I'm not enrolled. I didn't pass all the test I needed for the fall term so I decided to add a program. I finally passed one of the three test I need and I passed the one I thought I would never pass so now I am hopefully I will pass the other two by the end of the year.  Anyways, I thought you just needed to sign the application to add the program and that was it. Nope, I was WAY WRONG. That is just part of it. While trying to register for classes last week I found out that you have to submit a written essay as well. I just submitted it today, which was two days later then what I was aiming for. I finished it yesterday but when I was trying to submit it, I saw that it could only be up to 250 words and my essay was over 600 words. so this morning I spent 40 minutes editing it to exactly 250 words.  After I submitted my essay, I  was checking the essay prompt to make sure I answered it all and I think I responded to the wrong one.  Hopefully I didn't or they don't notice or let it slide.  The only thing that was different from the other prompt was the second question but I feel like I kind of answered it in my essay but with my luck, they won't see it that way. 

 I saw once class was closed already so I am nervous about next week because I really don't know what is going to happen or if I am even going to be enrolled this fall in school.  I keep praying to St. Jude that all will be well for me in the end and I get a miracle where I am cleared to register for classes, I get the classes I need, and I don't have any issues with financial aid. Please St. Jude pray for a miracle for me. Give me something to believe in.  This is my fault though. I should of taken care of this last month instead of waiting till the last minute. Had I made sure I was cleared earlier, I would of known I needed to write an essay and maybe by now I would of been register for classes.  I am dreading next week...sigh... :(

Forever Young

I went to the mall today and when I entered the mall I heard Forever Young playing. It was a sign since lately I keep playing music scenes from Tres Metros Sobre El Cielo (3MSC), such as the intro, the club scene, and of course the dance scene where Forever Young was playing. As I was getting for the mall, I sprayed my version of Don Algodon's Sweet and Sexy (I sprayed a Philosophy perfume) since on eBay its around $40 for a small bottle from Spain and maybe for my birthday I will treat myself and buy one. Hopefully it smells nice. Anyways, I thought it was sign. Maybe it was going to be one of those days when you know something good is going to happen but nope it was an ordinary day but I'm not complaining because there's always tomorrow. I also plan on buying the DVD for my birthday too lol and the sequal!

So hopefully I see Ben tomorrow. He is definitely making more of an effort to see me. He helped me study for my test and he wanted to go to the fair last week but I had some homework to work on so we are going to try and go to the fair tomorrow and hopefully I feel 3MSC.

The Mind

Yesterday I went to wish someone a happy birthday on FB and then saw how Ben had been out at venue. I was a little mad because a part of me felt mad because I saw this summer being a repeat of last history. I know he is going through a tough time and I am giving him time to find himself, it still hurt me so when he texted me a heart I was little mad but I let it go and sent him one back and didn't think much of it because I thought that would be the end of that conversation and was surprised that he wanted to see me since it was kind of late for me and I had just gotten home and was trying to sort the items I sold on eBay. Then he asked if I wanted to take a break and do something. I asked him what he had in mind and he said suggested Starbucks, I honestly did not see him inviting me out and wished he had something earlier other wise I would of said yes and I had just finished an ice coffee. I also didn't have a car to meet him and he even offered to bring me Starbucks to my house. I told him how it was late but asked him what he was doing next week and he said how we could hang out on Sunday or Monday or Tuesday. He then told me how he talked to someone about how he is feeling and what he is going through, and it broke my heart with what he told me. He first told me why he offered me Starbucks and if it sounded weird (which it didn't, if anything, it just caught me off guard) because the person he talked to told him how if he wants to get over being depressed, he needs to start being active again even if it is spontaneous like bringing Starbucks. He then told me how he loves me a lot and how he knows little things get in the way but how he will never stopped loving me. <3 He said issues like his shyness, depression, body issues, and money problems make him scare to go out because he is afraid of being judged by people he should be close with, like me. This broke my heart, because I didn't know he felt this way and I felt guilty always being mad at him for not inviting me out. The next thing he told me really broke my heart. He told me how his mind tells him that he is not good enough for me and that he is scared that when we see each other I'll realize that and leave because he always pictured me out of his league. So now I understand why he doesn't invite me out as much because he is afraid I'll leave him when I see him. I feel bad because I had no clue he felt like that and if anything, I thought he would leave me for someone prettier or more interesting or smarter. He also added how he has self esteem issues and still thinks I am out of his league because he always pictured me out of his league. I never imaged I would be out of someone's league and like him, always picture every guy out of my league. He said how the person he talked to told him how he needs to get over this thinking because it can be detrimental to our relationship. He went on to say how he still thinks that and that I'd probably want a famous soccer player or something before me. This mad me feel bad also because as much as I would like to marry my one of my celebrity crushes, I would always wonder if they were faithful or not and I don't think I would be pretty enough for one of them. And I want to be my own person and not be known as so and so's wife. I told him I'm happy to have hi  and why we are a perfect match. He then said he felt bad for being a bad boyfriend because of his self esteem and self doubt issues but he wants to change it. He said also how we might have met at the wrong time in our lives but we are working through it and how if he had a job he knows we'd see each other more. I'm glad we had this talk and I learned I shouldn't be show judgmental and how we all have our issues that we are trying to get through. I have my issues like Ben has his. Now I won't be mad if we don't see each other all the time because I know why. If anything, I thought he would leave me and while I was thinking that he was thinking the same thing. I hope things get better for the both of us. <3

Weird Funk

Tuesday, June 16th, I Face Time with Ben. It was night and it helped me understand Ben better. Monday night, he sent me a link of a personality test and I took it and he said we were a perfect match. I looked at the characteristic traits of his results and I teased him how he doesn't like commitment and how he is probably cheating on me and how this would explain why we don't go out as much. I guess this hurt his feelings because he told me how he would never cheat on me. He even wanted to Face Time to clear things up but I had fallen asleep by then. So Tuesday night, we Face Time. I felt bad how I had hurt his feeling and he told me how he is going through a weird funk right now because he is sad about how he is having a hard time finding a job. I understand what he is going through and will give him time and space. I wont give him a timeline to change and I'm glad we talk because now I understand him better. He said he is sad and has no energy and wants to stay in bed all the time. He hasn't even really hung out with his friends either. I told him how I am going through something too. I told him how I am stressed about bills and my next test and school. I even got him to join Pinterest and I think he got scared when he saw my board about how guys suck and told me how he doesn't want me to think that he takes me for granted and how he was hoping for a job by now so we could move forward in our relationship. So now I feel better about Ben and I. Then on Monday, he sent me a text and told me how he didn't get his dream job. This made me sad because I thought he would be offer a position for sure since and even he doesn't know why he didn't get a job offer. I felt bad when I saw the message and wanted to give him a hug right then and there. It makes me worried that if he is struggling to get a job then I definitely will have struggle, especially with interviews. Hopefully he gets something by the time school starts up again. On Tuesday that OkCupid guy text me out of nowhere. I talked to him briefly. We basically just talked about school and he told me how he is almost done and asked about my tests. I told him I still need to pass them and how I can't take classes in the fall if I don't pass my exam next month. After that I didn't keep the conversation going. I didn't like how the last time we talked and I told him my goals for the future and he criticized them. Even though he was trying to be honest with me, I didn't like. I believe I can do it. Even now he will criticize the school I go and what I am pursuing right now. I am glad I have Ben because he supports my dreams and goals in life. I also feel things are great between Ben and I and I don't need ever need to meet this OkCupid guy in the future. Also, on Tuesday, I bought the charm bracelet that Ben had given me for my birthday/Christmas. I lost it a couple of months ago at work and it made me sad when I lost it. I finally found it on eBay on Tuesday and made an offer for $15 and it was accepted. The seller wanted $18.88 but had or best offer so I made a reasonable offer and I was happy when it was accepted within seconds after I submitted. I didn't think the seller would respond so soon. So now I am happy and can't wait for it to come. I missed wearing it because it reminded me of Ben. This time I am going to be extra careful because I doubt I will find that bracelet again for that price. I am also being more careful with my money because I am not working but I don't regret that bracelet because I bought it out of love. I am also trying to study for my exam, but like Ben, I am in a weird funk too. The second time I took, I almost passed an exam but missed it by 3 points. The third time I took, I wasn't close and it is discouraging. I try to study and I have no motivation or energy. I study for a little bit and then I either fall asleep or go on Pinterest. I also don't know how and what to study for. I study this and then I am ask something else and completely random. Hopefully I pass because I don't know what I am going to do in the fall and I want to be done with school by March but at this point I feel like I will never pass my exam. :/ Last night I went to the gym and took a yoga class. It was nice and it helped me forget about my problems. However in the parking lot I was reminded of Omar because I saw a car that had an alumni license plate frame of where Omar went and it reminded me of how Omar's car had the sticker of the college he went to and for a brief moment I thought it could be him but then I am reminded of reality and how he is another state happily married. A trainer from a distant also looked like him from a distant and then I had flashback of us in the gym. I totally felt like Heche from 3MSc and TGDT. I can also relate to how Bambi said something how people were meant to fall in love with each other but not stay or be together. Maybe I was meant to like Omar to help me realize I am somebody worth loving and there are people out their way WAY better then my infamous ex. If it wasn't for Omar, I would have never thought about pursuing my masters or move on from my ex and take chances. It is probably a good thing we never dated because if we broke up, I'd probably be really devastated for a long long time. Maybe, idk. I doubt he ever like me that, I think if he did, he would of asked me out and maybe he had a girlfriend that whole time. The last time I saw him, he did and I felt my heart sink to my stomach. I think if he ever did like me, it was probably like in a little sister type of way. I wish him and his wife the best. And I think Ben and I are meant to be and meant to find each other. He brings out the best in me and we are each other's perfect match.

July

Last Friday, I finished school and also last Monday my CSET scores came in but I haven't looked. I told myself I would on Monday night, after I watched Tengo Ganas De Ti but I was tired and didn't watch. I told myself Tuesday then, but I couldn't find the movie so now I am going to try and check tonight, I need to check since I need to sign up and see which tests I need to sign up for. Id be happy if I passed one but I didn't feel confident on any of my essay responses so looks like Ill be taking all 3 again. Monday night, I also had an interesting conversation with a classmate of mine, Javier. Javier kind of knows a little bit of what's up between Ben and I and asked how things are. I told him how I told Ben how I felt and how I am tired of going out with like every 3 months. He asked if Ben was shy or intimidated by me and I told him how I know Ben isn't shy and IDK if he is intimidated by me or not and how I don't see things changing between us. He said to give it time and how he would pray for me. It was nice and he even offered to help me study for my CSET which I might take him up on his offer and I can help him with the CBEST. I pray things work out with his girlfriend too since they were once engaged and now are on and off again. I also hope things between Ben and I change for the better. I also hope he gets the job he wants since he had an interview yesterday. I don't want to say anything to Ben and see if things change and that he really wants to got out with me but I also need to learn to speak my mind and tell people what I want because Ben isn't a mind reader and probably doesn't know what I want and how I feel unless I speak up. I'm giving him to July for him to ask me out before I say anything since he probably will have more job interviews this month and I have summer school also. Hopefully he at least tries.

Like

Last Wednesday, I changed my profile picture on FB. I finally had a picture that I liked and decided to change it while watching TV after work. It was before noon so I didn't expect many likes on my picture. I expected 15 at the most. Throughout the day I kept getting notifications of people liking my picture which was pleasing. It was nice to see friends who I haven't seen or heard from a while like my picture. While checking my notifications on the recent people who liked my picture, I saw that Omar was one. It totally caught me off guard since he would be one of the last people I would think of to like my picture. I don't think he has ever like my status or any of my pictures for that matter, so when I saw his name and picture it was a little bit of a shock. Especially since I am trying to get over him and move on. I went on his profile page to see if there was anything recent I could like on his profile but I didn't see anything. I also felt a little weird being on his profile page and quickly went back onto mine. I saw that he now does half marathons with his wife and I wonder who and what made him start doing those. I know he is happily married, but a part of me whish he lived near me so I could have someone to help motivate me again, even if it was working out with his wife, at least I would have a new friend possibly but I would never tell her how I felt about her husband, that would be awkward and unnecessary. Maybe Omar has a cousin or something but I wonder if family events would be weird for me. Oh well, there is nothing I could do now expect let him go and move on.

Trying

So ever since I kind of went off on Ben and told him I felt about, he has been trying to ask me out more. Last week he kept trying, but the days he asked me I had worked and he also asked me last Friday, but I had work and then he asked what time I was off but I told him I had school also. He asked me out on Sunday, but I had family over. He hasn't asked me out since Sunday but he probably knows that I am pretty much working all this week and how Friday is my last day of class for this term. I feel bad because I just told him how I feel and now that he's trying, I am busy. Right now, a part of me is also wondering if he is asking me out because he wants to or because I said something? Is Ben trying going to continue and grow into more dates or will it fade until I say something again? My CSET results came last night, but I haven't checked yet, I know in my heart I probably didn't pass once again. I didn't feel confident with any of my responses to the essay portions. :/ Hopefully I pass in July so I don't have any more delays with finishing. I also won't relay on anyone, especially Ben for help to study. I wonder what this summer will be like, especially between Ben and I? We will even go out this summer?

Off My Chest

So last Thursday night I got some things off of my chest to Ben. I felt kind of bad since he is sick in bed right now but on the other hand it felt kind of freeing to get it off of my chest. I think what triggered it was earlier in the week I was at a furniture store and the TVs were playing music videos and one of the videos playing was Youngblood Hawke's We Come Running songs and it reminded me how I wanted to see them perform and Ben asked me out the following week. So that triggered some emotions and then it began to build more when watching Arranged and Married At First Sight because like some of the individuals on the show, I too question Ben's feeling and more then anything I want to be swept off my feet and have someone romanticized me. If it weren't for school, I would probably see Ben less then I do now. So I had asked to meet Ben Friday morning before I had work and he was sick so I wasn't mad and then as we started messaging back and forth I kind of snapped and got some things off my chest. Ben had said how he missed me and wanted to see me soon and then I said how we only have date night like every three months to which he replied how he knows. This definitely triggered something because um hello?! if you know, then why don't you do something about it?! He then asked what days I was free for the following week and I told him I was either free Tuesday or Thursday but I wasn't sure and also I still have school and have another big project I need to do. He then asked about Friday and then I told him how I have work and school. He once again forgot I school on Friday and not that it matters because we don't go out really anymore. He then asked when I would what day I was free next week because he really wants to see me next me. Then I replied how I wasn't sure what day yet and how with him how he always says next week and then it turns into months. Then Ben said how he could see I was upsetting me and how we could talk about this another time. I told him I didn't mean to be a bitch but how I just want to spend more time with him because eventually I want him to meet my parents but they are very judgmental and would think its weird how we only got out once every couple of months. He agreed and then added how he thinks its weird meeting me at places like Costco or the movie theaters and then this pissed me off. I only meet him here because sometimes I come straight there from work or I miss him so badly that I try to see him whenever I can even if it means meeting somewhere "weird" to Ben and even if its just for a moment. That kind of hurt and pissed me off and then I brought up the summer and how I don't want to not see him for an entire summer like last summer and I mentioned how I didn't seem him until October. He said he was sorry about that and how he is trying to save money and get his life straightened out. Okay...but um it sure doesn't seem like that on FB. That is another thing I need to get off my chest one of these days. So before last summer, the last time I saw was in May and that was for a school project and then summer went by and I didn't see him and then September and then almost October. And the only reason why he even asked me out in October because of what I posted on FB, which said something like this, "You are always too busy for me but never for others, go fcuk yourself!!!" And this was in to response to the picture I had seen on his FB profile so basically he just asked me out that time out of guilt. Then he only asked me in December because once again I posted something on FB in response to what I saw on his FB profile. He was celebrating someone's birthday but yet he didn't even wished me a happy birthday on my actual or unhappy birthday. He allegedly wanted to do something on my birthday but he said he had a bad at work, IDK if it's true or not. And he never brought up my birthday again until I posted on FB how birthdays are not meant to be forgotten and so that's pretty much why he asked me in December. Then January passed and then February came. I didn't offer to do anything for Ben's birthday, not that it matter because he already had plans and then he asked me for Valentine's Day but I was sick but if Valentine's Day wasn't in February he probably wouldn't have asked. Then I saw him either towards the end of February or beginning of March but that was to run a presentation for me and like I said, if it weren't for school, I wouldn't see that munch. Then I saw him sometime in April to look at results and then I was emotional wreck so I ruined that date and that was the last time I saw him. So this school year, I've only seen Ben four times, wow. Anyways back to the story, so Ben then asked again about seeing me next week then I said how we could have our next date in August but if that was to soon, then December. He picked up on my sarcasm and told me how he will try to see more of me and how he tries to text me everyday so I know that he is thinking of me and how great and amazing I was. But for all I know, he could be saying this to three other girls right now. So now a part of me feels good that I got this off of my chest and then a part of me now thinks if he does ask me out, he is doing it out of guilt and not asking me out genuinely. I want to feel like his girlfriend but right now I feel like how I always do with guys, just some girl they ask when no one else is available or have finally reached the end of their contacts or remember I exist. Next school year I am not putting up with this bs. If he doesn't even try to see me in the summer I am going to be pissed and then when schools starts again and if doesn't even try I am done. I wouldn't be mad if we didn't see each other because we are busy with school and work but only if Ben at least tried to see me at least one a month but if he keeps saying he is busy and then posting pictures of him having a great time then in December I am done. I am not going to put up with this in 2016. I am getting old and I don't want to be wasting my time with someone who doesn't care. I'm tired of not feeling like his girlfriend and then seeing him always out on FB while I have to see it and be reminded of how we have only seen each 4 times, 4 times!!!! I bet if I asked to name our last three dates, he couldn't. I guess for now, only time will tell.

Meeting Mom

Last Thursday night Ben wanted to FaceTime but my phone was low on batteries and I was letting someone use my charger and my tablet had no batteries too. Usually I charge my phone at night and the one time I am low on batteries, Ben wants to Facetime me. He brought up the museum and how he will make sure we will go before the Hello Kitty exhibit before it ends but I doubt it. I hinted how I wanted to go to the exhibit this Saturday because for $25 you can decorate your own Hello Kitty and it includes an admission ticket but he hasn't mention anything yet. :/ He did invite me to Disneyland for yesterday but I had to do something for school. He was taking his mom to Disneyland for her birthday and for Mother's Day so I would feel like a third wheel and I would feel awkward when it comes to rides that are for two people. But at least he got to spend time with his mom which he mentioned he wants me to met eventually. I hope he didn't think I didn't want to got to Disneyland because he was taking his mom but I would rather have been there then working on a big school project due this Friday. It was sweet that he said he wanted me to go since his mom said he could bring whoever he wanted. Now I wonder if he brought someone since I couldn't go, ugh I don't want to check his FB because every time I look I get pissed off looking at his pictures because they just remind of how little time we spend together. I think I would be hurt if he brought a female companion and didn't tell me.

Opened All Day & Night

So I texted Ben Thursday night because I was having a bad day. He asked if I was mad at him and I told him how I was really stressed and avoiding people because I didn't want to snap and take my anger out on the wrong person. That was semi true even though I was mad at him. I did tell him how if he was busy those days he could of just said so. He said he remember but was waiting for me to say something about it. I don't know, I personally think he forgot as usual and only remember when I started to ignore him. I did ask him for help on a lesson plan. I just wanted him to look at it and point me in the right direction in which I was doing wrong. I just sent it to him via email and didn't text him since I figured he would be busy. He texted me at 9:46 PM Friday night how he just saw my email. It read, "Sweetheart! I just saw your email right now! You should've texted me to let me know that you sent me an email. I can look over it. When do you need it done?" I told him how it was okay and that I had already submitted it. I did think about texting him but when I have asked him for helped in the past, he is usually late to respond and I end up submitting it without his feedback. I've come to the conclusion not to ask for his help anymore. I need to start relying on myself and less on Ben. I think he did feel bad since he asked on Saturday if I needed help with anything and I told him how Saturday was my day off from thinking about school. I told him how I was teaching two lessons next week on WWII and he tried to offer me some ideas. I told him thanks and would worry about that later. I also haven't been texting him that much either. I'm still a little mad about not seeing him last week and now I am going to be busy the next upcoming weeks until school is out and then I might take a summer course so who knows what my summer will be like. Ben also texted me earlier today to tell me how today was his mom's birthday and how she doesn't like birthdays either. He sent me a picture of the Lego cake I gave him and he told me how he put it together for his mom. He also said he wanted to take his mom to Disneyland before she got older. He kind of hint at taking me but not really, he just asked how I don't like crowds, which is true but it depends. I wouldn't be oppose to Ben taking me but I doubt it he ever will. He cant even meet me for lunch so I don't see Disneyland in the near future. Also, if he took his mom, I would feel bad and like a third wheel. I feel bad because I would feel like I was imposing on their mother son outing and then a third wheel and going on rides where there is seats for two people would be awkward figuring out who gets to sit next to Ben. I'm going to be optimistic and hope that Ben and I will finally have a summer for us. I went to the gym tonight also. I almost went to the one Omar went to but I didn't. I didn't want flashbacks and get sad over Omar. Which reminds me, I still need to watch Tengo Ganas a Ti . I was going to watch it last night but I was tired and would probably fall asleep watching it. I always feel like Heche when I go the gym where Omar use to work at. I think I see him but it isn't him. I want to start going to the gym more, even before work or student teaching or after class on Friday. I just need that spark of motivation. Omar was my spark years ago. I would get up early and stay late up late working out. I even did my homework early so I could go to the gym and not worry about it. I think it also made my last year at community college more enjoyable and go by faster. He also helped me find me but he will never know what a difference he made in my life. I wished I had another motivation like Omar in my life. I'm not looking for something romantic like Ben but someone who can get me motivated in life again and help me find myself again.