The Mind

Yesterday I went to wish someone a happy birthday on FB and then saw how Ben had been out at venue. I was a little mad because a part of me felt mad because I saw this summer being a repeat of last history. I know he is going through a tough time and I am giving him time to find himself, it still hurt me so when he texted me a heart I was little mad but I let it go and sent him one back and didn't think much of it because I thought that would be the end of that conversation and was surprised that he wanted to see me since it was kind of late for me and I had just gotten home and was trying to sort the items I sold on eBay. Then he asked if I wanted to take a break and do something. I asked him what he had in mind and he said suggested Starbucks, I honestly did not see him inviting me out and wished he had something earlier other wise I would of said yes and I had just finished an ice coffee. I also didn't have a car to meet him and he even offered to bring me Starbucks to my house. I told him how it was late but asked him what he was doing next week and he said how we could hang out on Sunday or Monday or Tuesday. He then told me how he talked to someone about how he is feeling and what he is going through, and it broke my heart with what he told me. He first told me why he offered me Starbucks and if it sounded weird (which it didn't, if anything, it just caught me off guard) because the person he talked to told him how if he wants to get over being depressed, he needs to start being active again even if it is spontaneous like bringing Starbucks. He then told me how he loves me a lot and how he knows little things get in the way but how he will never stopped loving me. <3 He said issues like his shyness, depression, body issues, and money problems make him scare to go out because he is afraid of being judged by people he should be close with, like me. This broke my heart, because I didn't know he felt this way and I felt guilty always being mad at him for not inviting me out. The next thing he told me really broke my heart. He told me how his mind tells him that he is not good enough for me and that he is scared that when we see each other I'll realize that and leave because he always pictured me out of his league. So now I understand why he doesn't invite me out as much because he is afraid I'll leave him when I see him. I feel bad because I had no clue he felt like that and if anything, I thought he would leave me for someone prettier or more interesting or smarter. He also added how he has self esteem issues and still thinks I am out of his league because he always pictured me out of his league. I never imaged I would be out of someone's league and like him, always picture every guy out of my league. He said how the person he talked to told him how he needs to get over this thinking because it can be detrimental to our relationship. He went on to say how he still thinks that and that I'd probably want a famous soccer player or something before me. This mad me feel bad also because as much as I would like to marry my one of my celebrity crushes, I would always wonder if they were faithful or not and I don't think I would be pretty enough for one of them. And I want to be my own person and not be known as so and so's wife. I told him I'm happy to have hi  and why we are a perfect match. He then said he felt bad for being a bad boyfriend because of his self esteem and self doubt issues but he wants to change it. He said also how we might have met at the wrong time in our lives but we are working through it and how if he had a job he knows we'd see each other more. I'm glad we had this talk and I learned I shouldn't be show judgmental and how we all have our issues that we are trying to get through. I have my issues like Ben has his. Now I won't be mad if we don't see each other all the time because I know why. If anything, I thought he would leave me and while I was thinking that he was thinking the same thing. I hope things get better for the both of us. <3