Weird Funk

Tuesday, June 16th, I Face Time with Ben. It was night and it helped me understand Ben better. Monday night, he sent me a link of a personality test and I took it and he said we were a perfect match. I looked at the characteristic traits of his results and I teased him how he doesn't like commitment and how he is probably cheating on me and how this would explain why we don't go out as much. I guess this hurt his feelings because he told me how he would never cheat on me. He even wanted to Face Time to clear things up but I had fallen asleep by then. So Tuesday night, we Face Time. I felt bad how I had hurt his feeling and he told me how he is going through a weird funk right now because he is sad about how he is having a hard time finding a job. I understand what he is going through and will give him time and space. I wont give him a timeline to change and I'm glad we talk because now I understand him better. He said he is sad and has no energy and wants to stay in bed all the time. He hasn't even really hung out with his friends either. I told him how I am going through something too. I told him how I am stressed about bills and my next test and school. I even got him to join Pinterest and I think he got scared when he saw my board about how guys suck and told me how he doesn't want me to think that he takes me for granted and how he was hoping for a job by now so we could move forward in our relationship. So now I feel better about Ben and I. Then on Monday, he sent me a text and told me how he didn't get his dream job. This made me sad because I thought he would be offer a position for sure since and even he doesn't know why he didn't get a job offer. I felt bad when I saw the message and wanted to give him a hug right then and there. It makes me worried that if he is struggling to get a job then I definitely will have struggle, especially with interviews. Hopefully he gets something by the time school starts up again. On Tuesday that OkCupid guy text me out of nowhere. I talked to him briefly. We basically just talked about school and he told me how he is almost done and asked about my tests. I told him I still need to pass them and how I can't take classes in the fall if I don't pass my exam next month. After that I didn't keep the conversation going. I didn't like how the last time we talked and I told him my goals for the future and he criticized them. Even though he was trying to be honest with me, I didn't like. I believe I can do it. Even now he will criticize the school I go and what I am pursuing right now. I am glad I have Ben because he supports my dreams and goals in life. I also feel things are great between Ben and I and I don't need ever need to meet this OkCupid guy in the future. Also, on Tuesday, I bought the charm bracelet that Ben had given me for my birthday/Christmas. I lost it a couple of months ago at work and it made me sad when I lost it. I finally found it on eBay on Tuesday and made an offer for $15 and it was accepted. The seller wanted $18.88 but had or best offer so I made a reasonable offer and I was happy when it was accepted within seconds after I submitted. I didn't think the seller would respond so soon. So now I am happy and can't wait for it to come. I missed wearing it because it reminded me of Ben. This time I am going to be extra careful because I doubt I will find that bracelet again for that price. I am also being more careful with my money because I am not working but I don't regret that bracelet because I bought it out of love. I am also trying to study for my exam, but like Ben, I am in a weird funk too. The second time I took, I almost passed an exam but missed it by 3 points. The third time I took, I wasn't close and it is discouraging. I try to study and I have no motivation or energy. I study for a little bit and then I either fall asleep or go on Pinterest. I also don't know how and what to study for. I study this and then I am ask something else and completely random. Hopefully I pass because I don't know what I am going to do in the fall and I want to be done with school by March but at this point I feel like I will never pass my exam. :/ Last night I went to the gym and took a yoga class. It was nice and it helped me forget about my problems. However in the parking lot I was reminded of Omar because I saw a car that had an alumni license plate frame of where Omar went and it reminded me of how Omar's car had the sticker of the college he went to and for a brief moment I thought it could be him but then I am reminded of reality and how he is another state happily married. A trainer from a distant also looked like him from a distant and then I had flashback of us in the gym. I totally felt like Heche from 3MSc and TGDT. I can also relate to how Bambi said something how people were meant to fall in love with each other but not stay or be together. Maybe I was meant to like Omar to help me realize I am somebody worth loving and there are people out their way WAY better then my infamous ex. If it wasn't for Omar, I would have never thought about pursuing my masters or move on from my ex and take chances. It is probably a good thing we never dated because if we broke up, I'd probably be really devastated for a long long time. Maybe, idk. I doubt he ever like me that, I think if he did, he would of asked me out and maybe he had a girlfriend that whole time. The last time I saw him, he did and I felt my heart sink to my stomach. I think if he ever did like me, it was probably like in a little sister type of way. I wish him and his wife the best. And I think Ben and I are meant to be and meant to find each other. He brings out the best in me and we are each other's perfect match.

July

Last Friday, I finished school and also last Monday my CSET scores came in but I haven't looked. I told myself I would on Monday night, after I watched Tengo Ganas De Ti but I was tired and didn't watch. I told myself Tuesday then, but I couldn't find the movie so now I am going to try and check tonight, I need to check since I need to sign up and see which tests I need to sign up for. Id be happy if I passed one but I didn't feel confident on any of my essay responses so looks like Ill be taking all 3 again. Monday night, I also had an interesting conversation with a classmate of mine, Javier. Javier kind of knows a little bit of what's up between Ben and I and asked how things are. I told him how I told Ben how I felt and how I am tired of going out with like every 3 months. He asked if Ben was shy or intimidated by me and I told him how I know Ben isn't shy and IDK if he is intimidated by me or not and how I don't see things changing between us. He said to give it time and how he would pray for me. It was nice and he even offered to help me study for my CSET which I might take him up on his offer and I can help him with the CBEST. I pray things work out with his girlfriend too since they were once engaged and now are on and off again. I also hope things between Ben and I change for the better. I also hope he gets the job he wants since he had an interview yesterday. I don't want to say anything to Ben and see if things change and that he really wants to got out with me but I also need to learn to speak my mind and tell people what I want because Ben isn't a mind reader and probably doesn't know what I want and how I feel unless I speak up. I'm giving him to July for him to ask me out before I say anything since he probably will have more job interviews this month and I have summer school also. Hopefully he at least tries.

Like

Last Wednesday, I changed my profile picture on FB. I finally had a picture that I liked and decided to change it while watching TV after work. It was before noon so I didn't expect many likes on my picture. I expected 15 at the most. Throughout the day I kept getting notifications of people liking my picture which was pleasing. It was nice to see friends who I haven't seen or heard from a while like my picture. While checking my notifications on the recent people who liked my picture, I saw that Omar was one. It totally caught me off guard since he would be one of the last people I would think of to like my picture. I don't think he has ever like my status or any of my pictures for that matter, so when I saw his name and picture it was a little bit of a shock. Especially since I am trying to get over him and move on. I went on his profile page to see if there was anything recent I could like on his profile but I didn't see anything. I also felt a little weird being on his profile page and quickly went back onto mine. I saw that he now does half marathons with his wife and I wonder who and what made him start doing those. I know he is happily married, but a part of me whish he lived near me so I could have someone to help motivate me again, even if it was working out with his wife, at least I would have a new friend possibly but I would never tell her how I felt about her husband, that would be awkward and unnecessary. Maybe Omar has a cousin or something but I wonder if family events would be weird for me. Oh well, there is nothing I could do now expect let him go and move on.

Trying

So ever since I kind of went off on Ben and told him I felt about, he has been trying to ask me out more. Last week he kept trying, but the days he asked me I had worked and he also asked me last Friday, but I had work and then he asked what time I was off but I told him I had school also. He asked me out on Sunday, but I had family over. He hasn't asked me out since Sunday but he probably knows that I am pretty much working all this week and how Friday is my last day of class for this term. I feel bad because I just told him how I feel and now that he's trying, I am busy. Right now, a part of me is also wondering if he is asking me out because he wants to or because I said something? Is Ben trying going to continue and grow into more dates or will it fade until I say something again? My CSET results came last night, but I haven't checked yet, I know in my heart I probably didn't pass once again. I didn't feel confident with any of my responses to the essay portions. :/ Hopefully I pass in July so I don't have any more delays with finishing. I also won't relay on anyone, especially Ben for help to study. I wonder what this summer will be like, especially between Ben and I? We will even go out this summer?