Not Ready

I am not ready for my test this Saturday.  I have not study and there is so much to know.  I'm worried what is going to happen if I don't pass.  It is going to effect next term that's for sure.  I'll prob won't be able to take classes bc I need that test for those classes and I'll lose my fin aid for good since I am already on academic probation with them...sigh...October was not a good month for me that's for sure.  It was emotionally draining because I fell behind in school which was out of my control and then I come home dead tired from work and then when I wake up I either need to get ready for work and/or finish homework.  I thought Ben would help me study too but nope.  He just once again just told me what I wanted to hear on date night.  Oh well, I shouldn't rely on him to help me study or help with school, I need to stop relying on people and become independent. 

I'm also really not looking forward to my birthday either.  I'll be wondering how badly did I fail my test and how f***ed I'll be next term.  Then I will also loose all my insurances too and I have no benefits at work and I can' afford insurance on my own.  All the fake niceness and attention will also piss me off and drive me nuts.  A person shouldn't have to wait for their birthday or Valentine's Day for this type of attention.  People should do it out of the kindness of their heart throughout the year and not just holidays and birthdays.  I don't mind people posting me on my wall but don't expect me to take you out and treat you on your birthday.  Ben hasn't mention my birthday either.  Lol, I wonder if he still thinks my birthday is a different month.  Anyways, he'll most likely be working on my birthday since he got another long term assignment job.  Then he will come home and nap till 6 PM.  By the time he wakes up I'll be way over my birthday and in no mood to celebrate my birthday any longer by the time he gets ready which can be anywhere from7:30-8:30. 

I think I am going to keep my birthday to myself this year.  I'll be depressed with everything around school and the attention and niceness will just get me mad I'll latch out at whoever is by me.  I think I'm just going to turn my phone off  for the day&keep it off the whole day.  I don't want to see invites from people that I have not seen or spoken to in a while to hang with them and celebrate my birthday with them.  I think I am going to go to a museum exhibit and spend my birthday their away from everyone.  Ben will prob be working anyways to want to go with me, I wouldn't be surprise if he has seen the exhibit, and if he does want to see with me he'll never follow through and the exhibit will be gone by January 4th.  I pray that a miracle happens and I pass my test and have a decent birthday for once.  If it does, I will promise to pay it forward in the future when I am financially stable and teaching somehow and in someway. 

Let It Go

I texted Ben early Friday morning saying how I needed help studying for my exam.  He responded how he was willing to help and as we ended up having a date night for Friday.  He remembered how I wanted to The Book of Life.  So we saw it.  Mind you the pictures that I saw on his profile were lingering in the back of mind.  He probably knew since he brought it up.  He asked if I was mad at him and I told him I was not.  He then asked if I was mad at him earlier this week and I told him no even though I told a little white lie.  At this point, I just happy to be with him since I had not seen him in months.  It was just nice to be with him and forget about all the problems I have been having.  He told me how he saw my post and thought it was about him since he had been at a party and there was pictures posted.  He did admit going to the party and how he went because they were high school friends and many he hadn't seen in awhile.  He said he thought that was post was about him and did not want to text me because he thought I was mad at him.  Yeah I was mad about the whole picture thing but it turns out the mermaid was one of his friends I had met at the wedding.  I feel a little better but it still suxs that we barely have date night and the only way to get his attention is to rant on fb.  But I'm just going to let things on and focus on things that really matter like school because when I am applying for jobs they are not going to care if I was having romantic issues when looking at my transcripts. 

Damage Control

Ben texted me last night and only because I was just on FB.  Seriously, I'm tired of this being the only way to get his attention.  He only ask if my new school called me back yet.  I ignored it.  There were a lot of messages I could of sent back, such as "F U," "No," "Why do you care," but it best be that I keep my month shut.  I need time to cool off, even though I don't see that happening anytime soon.  That was the only message he sent me too last night, so maybe it is over between us.  Maybe he no longer has feelings for me, which would explain a lot, such as our lack of going out.  Or maybe something did happen and he is feeling guilty and trying to avoid me.  I did notice that he did try to do some damage control and he did delete the pictures of him and the mermaid really close together.  But I already save the images of them so he can't deny it if I confront him about it.  The pictures are also still on the mermaids profile page and her account wasn't private either so he can't pretend the pictures don't exist.  I don't deserve this.  It's one thing to be busy which I understand but to hang out with other people and post it to FB and never hang out with her supposedly gf since May is another thing.  Our last date night was in MARCH! MARCH!!! I don't deserve this and he never deserved me.  I need to move on and focus on school too. 

The Mermaid

So after my last post I decided to see if Ben updated his FB and OMG I did not like what I saw.  Before I start, I haven't heard from him since Saturday and now I know why, he was at a freaking party this weekend!!! A costume party too!!! He was tagged in a couple of pictures of him and some girl in a two piece mermaid costume!!!! He was all over her too!!!! OMG, OMG, OMG, OOOOOMMMMMGGG!!!!! Something must of happened since he has not text me at all since the weekend!!!! I'm so freaking pissed off!!!! He never has time for me but he has time to go to a costume party and hang out with a mermaid!!!! I haven't seen him since May! May!!!! And that was so he can help me with a project!!!!!! OMG!!!! I'm so pissed off, OMG!!!! I don't want to see him or hear from him bc I might say or do something I'll regret later!!! OMG!!!!! WTF BEN?! I tried to hang out with him last week and he was busy and this week he goes to a costume party! Ugh!!!! We never do anything like that together either!!!! We never even spent a holiday together either!!!! Never Halloween together and never Christmas, New Year's or Valentine's Day!!!!! I'm done, done, done, DONE!!!!! My birthday is coming up and if he thinks he can make everything up by spending my birthday with me then he does not know me all!!!! If he does not ask me on a date before my birthday then he can forget about me and hanging out with me on my birthday!!!!! I'm am so done with him right now!!!!!!! He better have a good explanation for the mermaid pictures but I doubt, oh I am so freaking pissed!!!!! Ben as of right now I am done with you!!!! Go fcuk yourself!!!! I even posted that on my fb "You're always too busy for me but never for others...GFY!!!"  Seriously I am so mad and hurt and pissed off, why do I always find out things like ths through fb?! 
well know he can know how I'm feeling through Fb since that is the only way to get his attention these days.  Ugh...I am so pissed off!!!!!!!!!! -_-

Te extraño

I haven't been to a gym class but I am at least going to the gym on the weekends more.  I might have to stop going to the gym that Omar once worked at to save gas and mileage on my car.  A part of me wants to find a new gym where I don't think about Omar or I don't see people I know.  There isn't one close to the new potential school.  There was one close to my former host school but oh well, it wasn't meant to be at the school. 

I feel guilty that I mostly go to Omar's former gym because a part of me misses him and hopes I'll run into him again.  It's like in the movie Tengo Ganas De Ti, where the main character Hache is trying to forget his first love Babi after returning back home.  There is one scene where he is at a club where he has a memory of Babi at the club but it just a memory he realizes.  It is like that for me at this gym, I have memories of Omar and then reality comes back and I realize Omar is not here and will never come back.  I also get excited when I think someone is him or I think it is his car I see.  I don't know why he lingers in the back of my mind.  I think a part of me wonders what would of happened if we actually went out.  Would I hate him like I did with my ex once it ended?  Would we still be together?

I don't think Omar actually ever liked me.  He had many chances to tell me or drop hints if he did.  Maybe he did drop hints but I missed them.  I may never know.  I'm sure he only liked me as a friend because when he left that gym he could of told me.  The last time I saw him in person, which was three years ago, he had a girlfriend.  Then last year, I found out through FB that he had moved to a different state and was engaged.  When he messaged me on FB over the summer I didn't click on his profile page.  I didn't want to know if he was still engaged or if he was married by now.  I need to let him go, like Heche did with Babi after they both realized they were meant to fall in love but stay together.  Heche and Babi both found other loves so I know I will too with Ben.  I need to stop with these fantasies of Omar coming back and we getting together bc it will never happen. 

 I just hope Ben isn't cheating on me since we haven't gone out in a while and he is being real nice.  He even wanted to Skype a couple of times but I was dead asleep and didn't see his messages in time.  He keeps sending me messages of how he loves me lately.  It is nice and what I want but also I wonder if he is doing it out if guilt.  He messaged me thus week of how The Book of Life was coming out and he remember that I wanted to see but he didn't ask me to go see it with him.  He was a his school's homecoming game the day it came out.  I wonder if he went to the homecoming dance to chaperon and if he brought a date?  I need to stop worrying about my love life and focus on school because future jobs are not going to care about my love life when they see my grades and ask about my work experience.  Well time to get back to focusing on school I have a big exam to study for!!!      

Was I Wrong?

The last couple of weeks have been a nightmare for me.  I finally have my classes paid off but I'll be wondering how I am going to pay for them again come next semester, if there is one.

I am falling behind in my classes and it's because I can't start my student observations.  I was dropped by my former host school.  They were upset that I had called the school district's human resource department and left what they thought was a "rude" voicemail.  So this is what happened, I've been trying to start my observations and get cleared since classes began.  I called and e-mail the school but nada.  I even went to the school in person last month and was told I would hear back from them by the end of the week.  Never did.  So I continued to call and e-mail and even reached out to a teacher myself but no contact whatsoever from the assigned host person.  Finally, I hear back from my host person by e-mail and the e-mail was upsetting.  Nowhere in the e-mail are my questions answered and then it said how he can't force teachers to work with grad students if they don't want to.  So basically, it was like telling me I'm f****ed.  So beaning upset, I called the human resource department and left a voice mail since it was after hours on that same Friday as the e-mail.  Sunday, the host person called me and I could barely hear him but he said I was good to go to start my assignments.  This made me question all the other types of clearance I was told I needed before I could start, like a background check, which are rare but school's can request them.  I don't mind doing anything like that and understand but no one at the school would tell me exactly what I needed before I could start and get cleared.  So Tuesday the school district calls me back and tells me how they are trying to figure things out and the next day, Wednesday, I get a call by my site coordinator and told I was dropped my host school.  I was told by my place coordinator that he was willing to work with me up until I called the school district.  He also felt like there was a lack of communication when he called me.  WTF?! I could barely him and he caught me off guard.  Who calls on a Sunday?!  I don't think he ever wanted to work with me from the start and was probably hoping I would either give up or do something like this so he could find a reason to get rid of me for good.  He only contacted me twice and one was that upsetting e-mail.  So then later in the week, I get a call from the head of the department from my school.  OMG, I was so scared because I didn't know what was going to happen.  For all I know I was going to kick get out of the program because of the voicemail I left.  The department head wanted to know my side of the story and I told him and I even told him how I could provide proof like my e-mails history and phone records.  He laugh and said it was not necessary bc I was not on trial but it sure felt like it.  He then told me how he thought I acted normally by calling but schools are political.  He said the school district thought I was rude and demanding by demanding answers, but hello, if you where falling behind in classes and spending thousands of dollars on classes wouldn't you want answers too?!  So yes, the voicemail could of been better I'll admit that but I was upset and also hormonal.  The head of the department said I acted normally but schools are political and to be careful in the future.  If this happens again, just to call him so he can be the middle man.  Either way I look at it, it was a lose-lose situation.  I waited and I fell behind in my classes.  Even if I never called, I know the school would not be so welcoming once I finally got cleared.  They would probably think I am some spoiled brat spending daddy's money since that's how my university is portrayed at times.  Even though I am paying for my education solely.  I wonder if the person from the other university is going through the same or if they had a pleasant experience.  Probably the next person who comes from my university will have a great experience to cover up my experience. 

I now have a potential new site school.  I filled out an observation form and a copy of my classes' syllabus.  I hope the school lets me observe their.  I am praying.  Even though it is not as close as the other school, as long as I am happy, I'll be okay.  I wonder if I would of been happy at the other school?  Was I wrong to call?  Yes and no.  The voicemail could of been a lot better but after a month of getting nowhere, I don't think I was necessarily wrong.  I think the school and the school district are just upset that I called them out and the head of the university department had to get involved.  It's like what the head of the department, schools are political.  I'm glad I stood up for myself and called instead of waiting for nothing to happen but in the future I am going to be careful of what I say and do so it doesn't effect my classes or potential job.